I have been with my boyfriend for four years now. In 2005 we foundout we were pregnant. I was on bcp and we both felt we weren't ready for a baby at that moment. Now two and a half years later I'm pregnant again.
For both pregnanies I was on the pill and realized that I get pregnant when I switch pills. If only every pill would have no side effects I wouldn't have to switch.
Now my situation- My boyfriend is telling me to have an abortion for the second time because the time isn't right. At this time his sister is pregnant (and very self centered) he just started a new job and I'm almost done with my two year college to be heading into a four year college. He also sayd that his mom will feel very disappointment and his sister might never speak to me again because I will be (in her eyes) taking away from her moment. I really don't want to abort. What I felt after the first time is something I never want to feel again. I hated myself for a long time and although this baby was unplanned- I was so happy when I found out. I don't think my boyfriend understands what a girl goes through when it comes to having a baby inside her.
We don't live together and I don't want to force him into something he's not ready for or force him into being a father but I don't want to abort.
I'm currently 8weeks into my pregnancy. I just want to know what do you guys feel I should do? I'm so scared. ↓
I don't think that you should do anything that makes you uncomfortable. It is your decision because it is your body and your mind and you are the one who has to live that. If he's not ready there's nothing you can do to make him ready. But if you want to have this child then he does haev a responsibility to support you financially. He helped you make it after all.... ↑
this is a hard one. I think you need to ask yourself, will this tear apart your relationship and is it worth that? Your boyfriend seems to be thinking quite smartly about him just starting a new job and you not yet finished college. A baby is hard work. I would not jeopardise my relationship for a baby if my partner was giving good reasons why you shouldn't have one. It's not like hes just saying he doesn't want one, he has very good, valid reasons.
It's much easier having a supportive partner. Besides, isn't this something you want to decide and plan together? And be excited about, together? ↑
Jackie, first of all you have come to the right place for advice and support, however I feel like your boyfriend is being very selfish to tell you that his family might not ever speak to you again. I think that he is trying to use that as an excuse to escape the reality of the situation and the responsibility that is associated with raising a child. Have you told him how you feel about having the baby? I would discuss that with him and let him know how you feel, then if he still wants you to have the abortion then it might be time to reevaluate your relationship. After all, like babymama said he did play a role in the conception... ↑
Jackie, I hate to say it but this boyfriend sounds like he's pulling some major manipulation on you. To tell you HIS mom and HIS sister will be mad at YOU and disappointed is just plain WRONG. Why in the hell does he think it is a reason for you to abort??? I'm sorry to get so riled up about this, but for god's sake! He sounds pretty immature and I just feel that you should not make any decisions at all based on what he wants. This is your body and your baby. By keeping the baby you don't have to force him into anything...you can allow him to be as much or as little of a father as you want really. It sounds like he's not ready so that doesn't mean that he has to make your mind up for you. I've had an abortion myself and still to this day feel terrible about it although it was long ago. After that I went through several miscarriages and I am finally pregnant again and due in a couple of weeks. I am older than you so I don't know how I would have felt in my early 20s (ok I know I couldn't have handled it, but I also wasn't in a good place then either). Anyways, sorry to ramble, but if you are happy to be pregnant and feel at all that you want your baby then do what YOU want. ↑
Hi ladies! I just wanted to say thank you- I really haven't been able to talk to anyone about this so for the past few weeks I have held all of this inside me- so that you so much for listening and voicing your opinions. I spoke with his mother today and she wasn't upset- she said she will support me no matter what my decision is but I should just weigh the pro's and con's before I decide. That really made me feel better. As far as his siter is concerned- she is very selfish and instead of seeing the bigger picture )which is the baby) she will cimply see that she is pregnant and my child will take away some of her attention but I really don't care about that- she nor her family can determine my decision. I have told my boyfriend that if I keep this child I will never forgive him for what he is putting me through right now but he not leaving me or anything like that he is just making this very hard for me. I understand that we are both very young, Im 23 and he is 24, he finshed college and has his degree and he wants the same for me. He feels that a baby wil not allow me to do so but I say "so many people who don't have their heads on straight have done this, why can't a person like me who knows what she wants in life and has a very strong character, do the same?" I've always been a very smart girl and I think having an abortion again will be what sets me back in life, the pain that I felt from the first time is something that I know I wouldn't be able to do again and keep living as if nothing happened. Sorry if I'm rambling but I just have to get everything off my chest and the women in this site (although I don't know ya'll) have really helped me through the past three weeks- thats why I became a member. ↑
You need to do what YOU want! If you want to keep this baby, then he just needs to deal with it and be a man. It takes two to make a baby, so he knew what could happen if you guys had sex. It's good that you talked to his mom, too and that she is supportive. Do you have family to help out if you were to keep the baby? There are so many women that have babies and still finish school. So, if that's what you want, then go for it! You know what you went through before....do you really want to go through that again? I hope you can come to a conclusion soon. I know this must be very hard for you, but just follow your heart! And who the heck cares about his sister?! She sounds like a selfish person anyway! I wish you the best of luck! ↑
Good luck Jackie, you do sound like you have your head on straight about things and it is wonderful you are in school. I personally graduated from college and am so glad I did! I know many people who had babies around the same time and still finished school. It may take a bit longer, but if it means a lot to you then you will find a way to do it. I just wish I'd realized years ago what a blessing this is because had I known then what I know now things would be a lot different. Hang in there! Guys can just be so dense sometimes! :) ↑
Hi Jackie---it sounds to me like you have already made up your mind! and ther eis nothing worng with that. Every time two people have sex, there is always that chance that a baby could result, and wether or not he says so HE KNOWS THAT! so you keep your chin up and do what you think is right for you. It can all be done with a child, and you might even find that he turns around as the shock wears off and the idea of a baby becomes even more real to him. He can't just EXPECT you to go through another abortion, especially after the first one was so hard on you. If it makes you feel any better, I was 23 and my husband 24 when our son was born. He was not planned, and life is differnt than it would have been, but it is GREAT! and I was really worried that he would be really mad at me for getting pregnant, and he was really "standoffish" at first, but we both feel SOOO blessed now!!! We love being parents so much that our second one is due at the beginning of August!!! (i'll be 26 in October) I also have a sister who had a scumbag of a boyfriend. She has 3 kids with him and she is only 24! He always wanted her to abort, but she just couldn't do it. He is not in the picture any more, but she is doing awesome! she is going to school right now, and although it is hard on her, she is making it work (and her kids are great!) If you want to do it, know that you can! Maybe this is the blessing that you need! Perhaps you even needed it before, but didn't realize it so now you are given another chance? Good luck! ↑
In my late 20's I got pregnant by my boyfriend, He insisted that I was to have an abortion because he did not want another child. (he already had one). After much thought I decided to keep the child and gave him the choice to never be involved. We stayed together for 8 years and broke up To this day on some occasions he brings up my choice. But to this day I do not regret having my daughter. Her father is still the same jerk but she is worth everything and I don't know what I would do without her. It did not ruin my life only made it better. I still got a great job and really enjoyed having a child. So much I had my son 19 months later and now trying again with my new husband. ↑
It does sound like you've made up your mind and i agree with the other posts that his sister needs to pull her head in and you shouldn't worry about a person like that not talking to you again. Who cares? You'd be better off. but I still think that your boyfriend still has valid points about school etc. If you are on the pill and fell pregnant that way it is probably a big shock to him. fair enough it's your body like all the other posts are saying but it's his life too. my mum had me young and without the father involved because he didn't want it (me) and it was hard. From the childs point of view ,it's hard knowing your dad never wanted you. In saying that, when i was 19, I fell pregnant on the pill and my boyfriend of 3 years said he wasn't sure and I thought that I had so many plans and goals for my future so I had a termination. It was hard emotionally for a few months. but since then, I have travelled to 37 countries, lived in London for 3 years and now am back in Sydney with my English husband (met in London), happily married for 5 years and I own a house and a successful hair salon with 6 staff. I doubt that I would have achieved all that with a young child, or met the love of my life. Now we are actively trying for our first baby together. Actually, we are recovering from our first loss of our baby at 12 weeks pregnant, but we are doing it together. I'm not saying that if you go through with it that you will regret that child because you won't. It's your baby. But you will be shaping the future not just for yourself but also for your boyfriend and your baby. It's not a decision to be taken lightly and I hope you weigh up all the pros and cons including, financials, lifestyle, relationship, education, employment etc etc. Best of luck and I hope that you make a decision you'll be happy with and that suits you. ↑
Jackie.....I would say to you...keep your baby. It sounds to me like you really do not want to give up on the little baby inside you. ALso...23 is old enough to love and support a child. I had my first dd at 22 and do not regret it for a minute !! Of course dh;s parents were not happy and said some really hurtful mean things....but in the end...my dd is the most important thing to me. When you decide to keep this baby...everyine will come around and support you...and if they dont, then they dont need to be involved in your chlids life. And youc an go to college having a chlid...I do !!! I can tell you if you abort again,you WILL regret it for the rest of your life. ANd it sounds to me like you already have plenty of regret. I think you have already made you decision, and you just want us to reassure you. Well...I will reassure you...you are perfectly capable of having and taking care of your baby. ANd dont ever let anyone tell you you can not do it !!!! Stay strong and believe that you can do what you put your mind to !!! ↑
I dont know if you will read this or not. But when i was pregnant 2 years ago. (had miscarriage due to the stress of what to do). I had the problem of my boyfriend at the time, now my husband telling me that i needed to abort and that we werent ready and my mom too and a couple of my friends, so when my dad found out he was thrilled (i was surprised, he was thrilled . lol. ) but i told him that everyone wanted me to abort and he said, well what do you want? and i said i really am not sure. well, he said that i need to be by myself for awhile and think about what i really want and if i could live with myself after killing my child. and i said that sounds reasonable. so that night me and my husband talked and he said that he still wanted me to abort, so to make him happy i said yes. and all night i thought, what am i doing? i want this baby more than anything. so the next morning i wrote him a long letter, telling him that im keeping it and that if he wanted to be apart of it that was his desicion and that i could do it by myself. and he said that he would do it with me. so your not forcing anyone to be a father. you need to choose if you want to be a mother. hope something i said helped. and just remember its really your desicion on whether you keep your baby or not. ↑
PEBBLESAPBT: lets get one thing straight. An abortion is not killing a child! It's completely inexcusable to push these views on someone that is using this forum for advice and help. Jackie09 needs support and suggestions on how to make the right decision FOR HER. Jackie09 does not need you making brash statments like that to her at this time. Open your mind and get educated! ↑
Startingover- how do you figure that an abortion is not killing a child? Cause it is. I think there are only 2 reasons for an abortion and that is if a woman falls pregnant from rape or if it is medical. Other wise it is stupid, selfish and cruel. There are so many women that would love to be pregnant and are having problems but then you have ones that do get pregnant and it's like oops I'm not ready for a child. Well they should have thought about that before they had sex. I do realize this board is for advice but you have to realize that abortion is a VERY touchy subject. And I think it is wrong unless like I said before it's rape or medical. Some women need to woman up and take responsibility for their actions. Jackie- I don't think you should care what anyone else wants, if you want to keep the baby then you should because a child is the greatest gift ever and it deserves to have a chance. Good luck. ↑
Do what you feel is right. No matter what i think that you will have the support from your family (and what a selfish mother to only think of one grandchild and not the other. I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree) and to remember that this is YOUR baby as well, not just his. ↑
Pod: Abortion is not killing a child. It isn't a child yet. It is a fetus. There is a difference. Abortion is a touchy subject, I understand that. The problem I have is that no one knows Jackie09's background and if she is seriously considering one for her, someone should not be using that terminology when she has asked for help or advice. She obviously doesn't disagree with abortions because she has had one before. I agree with you, you should not use abortions as birth control and in cases of rape or medical issues or any other reason a woman chooses to opt for an abortion, it is her choice. But if she is thinking about having one, someone getting on here using words like "killing your child" are not healthy. I had an abortion when I was 19. I had had a car accident and my relationship was not stable and it (as you say) was not the right time. People have their reasons and I do not judge them for it. That was not my time and to this day I do not regret it. Now I am happily married and actively trying for our 1st child and I have no anger towards people that have abortions because I so badly want a baby. Everyone has their own beliefs and values but harshly pushing an opinion on someone asking for help is not appropriate. ↑
Startingover- Yes it may be a fetus but it has a heartbeat therefore it is a living thing and therefore abortion is killing it. And like I said for her to be considering this after she has already had an abortion cause the time was not right then she shouldn't be having sex. Cause obviously her bc isn't working and needs to get on something else and use
condoms. Even if the time is not right then carry the child and put it up for adoption cause there are alot of people that can't have a child. So there are other options. Abortion should not be used like bc. I'm not trying to offend anyone here but like I said this a touchy subject. And I guess more so cause me and hubby have been trying almost 2 years and suffered a miscarriage last year.. And it would be such a blessing to have a child and to abort one is just an easy way out. I couldn't live with myself if I did something like that. I don't know how old this girl is but I am sure there have been younger girls that have gotten pregnant and still in school and women who know there partners are not going to stick around and they are going to be single mom's and they still make it work. So don't tell me you don't have any other choice. There is but obviously when you have a abortion you are only thinking of how it's going to disrupt your life and being selfish. Too many women use abortion as the quick fix and I just don't think it is right. But this is my opinion and I am entilted to it. ↑
Thank you everyone for your opinions and understanding. As fas as the person who is saying that I would be killing a baby- yes the baby has a heart beat but it's only a fetus. I work at a doctor's office so Iam very informed of what an abortion is and what you are doing. If I choose to term. this pregnancy- trust me yur words have no effect on me. I'm a very smart girl and know that I have to make the decision that is best for me- all you the women have been so understanding and very supportive. Maybe POD isn't able to look at things in a bigger setting but if I bring this child into the world and can't provide for it- thats selfish- you should want the best for your child never sell your self short- maybe thats something that you should think about before you DARE to bash anyone for choosing to abort or not- some women are smart enough to know that the time isn't right. As far as not having sex- What are you my mother? I was responsible- it's not like I went to some club and slept with the first guy I meant- I have a boyfriend for the past four years and was using BCP to avoid pregnancy- I have no control over the failure of birth control. Anyway- my boyfriend has come around and so has his mother and they both said that no matter what my decision is they are both there for me but he just wants me to have my mind made up by july 4 becuz he doesn't want this be dragged on for to long without me taking meds or it becoming to late to abort. This is the reason I haven't posted for awhile becuz I had alot to think about. ↑
Jackie....good for you taking time to think about it. This is a tough decision. I pray you make the right decision for you...and the baby. Remember there is always adoption also. Let us know what you decide...and I am really glad your bf and his mom have come around to support you. That is what you need !!! Support...not pressure of their wants or beliefs. Anyways..good luck. ↑
Jackie09 It's so good to hear that you are an educated, open minded and intelligent young woman. I agree with you, it is selfish to bring a baby into a situation where you are unable to provide for it, an unsafe environment, an abusive household (not that you are any of these) or a million other reasons. Birth contol fails more often than you think. The point is that you have so many options and I am glad that nothing of what any ignorant people have said has sunk in and altered your decision, (although it sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders). I wish you all the best. PRO CHOICE FOR ALL WOMEN!!! ↑
Jackie- I'm sorry but obviously your that educated since this is your 2nd unwanted pregnancy. If your so smart and educated then tell me this, were you and are you using condoms or some other form of birth control. Cause you know the pill is not 100% so therefore in order to REALLY be protected you need to be using a backup method especially when you were in the middle of switching. Anyways, I am not the ignorant one here. I am not the one who has been knocked up twice and aborted them. I know women have a right to do whatever but it's always best when you don't make a selfish choice. And I know there have been times when birth control has failed. But probably 9 out 10 times it's cause the pill is not being taken properly. And like I said if you REALLY didn't want to get pregnant then you and your bf would be using some other form as a back up. ↑
i'm going to take a different approach to this. if you don't care what people say to you, why bother coming here saying 'oh i'm so scared. please help' if you won't listen. if you're truly "educated", then you won't keep getting pregnant and destroying babies. and keep this in mind. at some point, your body will have had enough of these useless pregnancies you care so little about and when you do finally grow up enough to take responsibility for your actions, you won't be able to have the child you actually want. if you bring a child into the world you can't support, adopt it out and let someone who actually wants a baby have it. if you consider yourself to be one of those women who's "smart enough" to know when the time is right, then you'd know enough to get on the pill or wrap it up or both considering the pill isn't always that trustworthy. but it's nice to see you're making decisions based on your little boyfriend's timeline. considering it's not his body he's ruining, why should he care right? and i hate to break it to you, but your mother isn't supporting you. she knows she has no choice in the matter so what else can she do but be there for you. if you are going to abort, then fine. it's your body, but be smart enough the third time around to prevent this. don't have sex when you're in between pills or use a condom. and if you don't want to do this, then don't let anyone tell you otherwise. i'd be curious to find out what you choose to do. ↑
Well ladies, as per my doctor I was suppose to use a backup method for two weeks when switching and thats what I did. Unless your a doctor, your words mean nothing. Secondly, I'm not making a decision for my boyfriend or for myself, I'm making it for what would be my baby and if I choose to have this baby- I will be ready to support it, I can't give one of my children away- I understand that some women can't have children but I'd rather term. than give my child away to some family that I don't know what they may do to my child. I came to this site for the opinions of many women that I have read their stories and have these to say without trying to bash someone else. I really feel bad for women who are so stupid as to have children they can't provide for- that is selfish. And if you ladies (they know who im talking about) happen to be some of ladies, that's just sad. I don't have the time to sit here and entertain people who feel like they could bash me if I choose not to have my baby- I know that if I choose not to have it- I will have kids again one day. God won't punish me for something I didn't ask for. My decision won't be whats best for me, it will be whats best for my baby- thats the unselfish approach. "startingover" and the rest of the ladies who respect peoples decisions, I will be back soon to inform you guys on my decision. ↑
Oh and just to inform you ladies, I work at a medical center and there have been many women who became pregnant on the pill- many and not just the pill but the IUD as well. So, if you want to blame women for not taking the pills correctly what is there to say about the IUD that woman can't take out themselves- it happens many, many times. Look it up- educate yourself- you obviously have a lot to learn. ↑
WOW- this thread has taken a turn for the worst! Why all of the fighting??? OH and I just wanted to remind all of you that this board is for people who have had MISCARRIAGES and may not appreciate all of the talk about abortion b/c they really WANT to get pg so bad...so since this has turned from a thread on advice to a thread on bickering, it may be wise to take it somewhere else...just a thought? ↑
Saramcg- I am one who has miscarried and has been trying for almost 2 years to get pregnant overall. My hubby and I have been through alot. So of course I see these women who want to abort I have to state my opinion. But I am done now because I realize it doesn't matter what anyone says, she is going to do whatever she wants anyone. And doesn't get the bigger picture here. But JACKIE, I think you are on the wrong board. This board is for women who have gone through losses that they couldn't control not women who are just careless and have abortions left and right. ↑
POD- I definitely understand your position and I am truly sorry for your loss. If this thread was kept on about advice about how to cope with a boyfriend who wanted her to abort and she did not (like it started), I would say that she was in a GREAT place for support...however, she seems to be defending abortion now for some reason (probably b/c she had one before and may have thoughts about it) but whatever the reason, defending abortion on a pregnancy loss forum is truly insensetive. I am very much against abortion and feel as you do, although I may not show my opinion as much...although after my miscarriage, there was a woman who was going to abort her baby b/c it MAY have downs syndrome and I was PISSED...I had all of the feelings of "have it and I will take care of it" and was VERY relieved when someone said something about moving the conversation to a different place.(this is a place I come to for support, not to see a pregnancy flaunted in front of me only to have it possibly ending with killing a baby that I would have LOVED to have---especially while I was trying so hard to get pg myself!!!)... so I thought I would do the same for woman who were in my shoes 9 months ago! ..happily I am now 35 weeks pg, so even though I HATE abortion, I am not as livid as before because there is no harder time to go through than after a m/c and before you get pg again, but I DEFINITELY think this pregnancy loss board is NOT the place to talk about abortion being OK, and understandably people like yourself take offense to it with VERY good cause! I wish you the best of luck in ttc! ↑
SARAMCG- I am glad I am not the only one who feels this way. And that this board is not for the purpose of abortion but real Losses. CONGRATS on your pregancy hun, I wish you the best of luck!! ↑
jackie: i think you're not telling the truth. you said you were on your b/c pills. you didn't say anything about a backup method. so i think i feel more sad for women who don't know enough to use proper protection, especially when changing pills. that's kind of a no brainer. and if you were really thinking of your baby first, then you wouldn't openly admit 'yeah my baby has a heartbeat, but i'd rather kill my child than let someone who actually wants a baby have it'. selfish. we're not talking about IUD's either. the pill can be messed up if you take it at different times each day. something so silly. and, hun, i can work as a receptionist at a hospital. that doesn't make me a doctor. no one cares where you claim to work. do us all a favor here and change boards. this is a miscarriage and pregnancy loss board. not didn't want it so i aborted it board. ↑
