We have been together for 5 years, married for 2 months. We had never talked about children, even if we wanted to have them at all(we are in out mid 30’s). She took it upon herself to stop taking her birth control shots when we got engaged, about 10 months ago. She missed her period a few weeks ago, and then told me that she might be pregnant. I asked aren’t you on the “shot”, she replied that she stopped taking the “shot” when we got engaged, because she “forgot”. I don’t believe she forgot, she remembered for the previous five years, but right after the engagement she just happens to forgot, BS. We are in the middle getting degrees, and had plans to travel, so both will happen. I feel the she betrayed, lied and tricked me for the past 10 months. It’s not that I didn’t want to have a child after completing school, but I just don’t like the way she went about it, know I don’t know if I can trust her about other things. I was thinking about divorce, but the test came back positive, so now I don’t want to have the child grow up with divorced parents. Should I just let it go? What can I do with out hurting the child? Before she told me everything was going fine ↓
Wow. That's a pretty crappy situation. (The tricking part anyways) The two of you totally need to talk about this situation open and honeslty. You need to let her know that you feel deceived, tricked, and lied to. For your wife to do that, is not okay. But, since what is done is done, you need to focus on how the two of you are going to take care of the baby now if you choose to stay with her. Good Luck. ↑
I agree with SM. This would be a hard situation. Being deceived and lied to about something this important is not good on a marriage. Maybe you should seek counsling if you think it could help you. You seem like a very good man, just very hurt with all rights to be. I feel real bad for you I would never dream of being so careless and just "forgetting to take a shot" for 10 monts without talking to my hubby first. Good luck with your wife and child. Prayers help, and communication. Talk to her and try to work out your feelings. ↑
why do you say she can't finish school? you say you guys are in your 30's, I see no reason why she can't finish school and have this baby too. Quite a few years ago, when I was in highschool, my friend had a baby right after our Junior year ended, and she went on to finish highschool and even go to college. A baby doesn't have to make your life stop dead in it's tracks...and loads of people travel with their kids...it would be a great experience for your child to travel, see new places and learn loads of things, before it even starts school...my friend had parents that traveled all the time all throughout her childhood, and she was very smart and cultured...she loved Nepal, as they had traveled there for the first time when she was barely 2, and they would go back often. I would talk things over with your wife, divorce is definately not the answer, but I understand how you'd feel betrayed. Just please don't take this baby as being the end of your plans and dreams, it doesn't have to be that way. Take your baby along on your journey, it'll be a blast! ↑
My boyfriend went through the same thing with his ex. She went off the pill without telling him and got pregnant. They had talked about kids but he said that he was not ready (since he really didn't LOVE her anymore he was just comfortable with her). She went ahead and did it anyway thinking it would make him stay with her. Not the case. He and I got together before the child was born. She now has nothing to do with her son because she went and did the same thing to another guy. Now she's with this other guy and my BF (baby's dad) and I raise the child (he's almost 2 now) I can't beleive women can be so manipulative. Bringing a child into the world should be a joint desicion, one not to be taken lightly. I would have some serous trust issues with your wife. I'm sorry to hear about the deception but congrats on your new family if you decide to be one.... good luck to you. I hope it all works out for you. :) ↑
You two have been together for 5 years, got engaged, then married, and NEVER talked about whether or not children were in the picture? It sounds like you need to communicate more with each other and be more upfront. Yes, it was wrong of her to trick you. But these sort of things really should be discussed before you are married. That being said, the two of you are in this together now. Divorce will not solve anything. The child will still be yours, whether you deny it or not. If you and your wife can talk things out and stay married, at least you will be able enjoy your new family together. Your child will love you for bringing them along on your travels and will always remember those memories as he or she gets older. Also, maybe this baby will help your relationship by finally breaking down this wall between you and your wife. It sounds like you and your wife are both very smart and educated. You will work through this. I wish you the best of luck. And congratulations! ↑
I think your wife loves you enough to want to have your child. You should really be happy as a child is a god's gift. Look after your wife and the baby because when the baby comes alone, you would not want to spend a second away. Hope all the best and try to keep your family together. ↑
I wouldn't jump right to divorce, but there are some serious problems afoot here. Since you are already married I would start with some counseling to see if you two can at least get all your cards on the table. I agree that lying about it was a nasty thing to do, but you can absolutely finish school. It's a bit trickier with a little one, but not impossible. My parents had me and my older brother when they graduated and they did great in college. Likewise, my spouse and I have an almost 4 year old son and are trying for a second and we are both in college. Just bear in mind that a baby is not the end of the world. At this point, I'd be more concerned about the way it came to be in the first place. Just try to be as calm as possible so you can make a decision that is well thought out when you get there. Prayers for you and you family. ↑
A lot of men put too much trust in women. If there was a male birth control pill how many women would trust men who said "don't worry Im on the pill" ? Not many I bet. Yet men are excpected to take a womens word. on face value.Because you state "stop taking her birth control SHOTS"I am assuming she was on "Depo Provera" (DMPA)
Depo Provera is given intravenously (I.V.) about every 3 months . From what you write the time lines are all about right. Once DMPA is stopped the woman's regular menstrual cycles usually return 3-10 months after the last injection. Pregnancy can happen any time after the return of cycle. typically pregnancy will generally occur within 12-18 months after discontinuing DMPA injections.Given your lady the benifit of error, forgeting the date of her DMPA injection is possible but over shooting the mark by 7 mths well I find that hard to believe. And if she suddenly remembered what was the reason to stop all together? (DMPA is effective within 24hours given at the right of her menstrual cycles) And what about your rights?? what was wrong with "hi honey I forgot to get my shot" Unfortunatly it is now all about the child who is 'course blamless. For the childs sake it maybe best to grin and bear it.if you can see yourself to forget and forgive, if you love her despite of her lying ways. This is your call. Children are a blessing my 2nd was a result of "oh I forgot the pill" but I wouldn't change it for the world. You may find if you work on the relationship and fatherhood it maybe just the thing foryou both. But if it turns out to be a bad relationship it may do all 3 of you harm.
Cheers and all the best Keith ↑
How funny... you confirmed for me what I tell my 15 year old daughter - Boys will trick you to get in your pants, then blame you for it, and if you get pregnant you are stuck with the baby - the boy may have to pay child support (which doesn't come close to covering costs), but it's the girl who has to care for the child while the boy is free to move on to the next on his list, all the time believing it's all the girls fault. I had my daughter read your post so she could see for herself that the boy and (in your case) his family see themselves as blameless... apparently not recognizing IT TAKES TWO. ↑
You teach your son about girls, but young men do talk the girls into getting into their pants, if you are allowing your 16 year old child to have sex, that is a chance your taking, you talk your talk, but your son will have someone pregnent in no time, it is ignorant men like you that end up with the mud in your face!! ↑
I think the fact that you never discussed kids is odd. That's a pretty big decision and most people have definite feelings about not wanting them or really wanting them a lot
Anyway, that's water under the bridge. Now it looks like you're getting ready to be a parent, so buckle up. It's not an easy ride.
I would suggest marriage counseling so that the two of you can learn to communicate better. Obviously, the two of you assumed a lot about the other. Now trust has broken down. Don't let this fester.
You have every right to feel angry -- but you can still fix your marriage.
You need to both be honest with each other and be able to express your feelings about the current situation.
She should understand that lying is intolerable.
Maybe she grew up seeing adults lie to each other to get what they wanted? People justify a lot of behaviors if that's what they grew up with.
Talk to her seriously and have a discussion about what kind of relationship/marriage you both want to have.
You will both be making great changes in your lifestyle when the child comes. The stress can be huge! Try to work on your communication and trust issues BEFORE the baby arrives. Good luck ↑
Wow, that sucks. What a rotten, terrible person she is. You guys need to get into counseling ASAP because after the baby comes life's going to get very, very difficult. She's got issues, what a shame you didn't see them before she tricked you. ↑
You should give her an ultimatum. Tell her that you will divorce her unless she gets an abortion. Having a baby you don't want will make you resent both the baby and your wife and it will ruin your life. Also it was silly to get married without discussing kids first, but it's too late to do anything about that. ↑
OMG! Did you not read the last sentence? He said WITHOUT hurting the baby! Anyway thanks, you guys should try to do counseling. Getting everything out in the open may help things. If not you may want to try getting the baby mind-set. Once it's here I am sure that even if you resent your wife you will have much love for your baby. Speaking of which what did you guys do? Now if you kept it she should be around 6 months or so. ↑
Hmm, well if he and wife do not want to have an abortion (which would really be the easiest option) they could always give the kid up for adoption. I know a lot of people assume that if you're married you just accept a baby but you don't have to do that. You can choose whether you want to keep the baby or not. I'm adopted and my birthmother found two wonderful parents for me because she knew she wasn't ready for a kid. OP you can make the samw choice, and give your kid parents that both really him. ↑
It does sound like she decided to have the child without your consent. She obviously did it on purpose, whether she admits it or not. You definitely need to undergo marriage counseling if you want to make this work. As for the kid having divorced parents, it is better for the kid to have parents who are happy and divorced than miserable and married. Either way your wife was wrong in doing what she did. You are partners, not a one way dictatorship. Good luck in deciding what to do. ↑
What a travesty. Anyone who understands the impact a child has on one's economic, social and life opportunities can see how this woman's act is akin to murder. Children who grow up with resentful parents tend to (fill in the blank). Of course childbirth is a wonderful thing, but the act perpetrated by this womn is flat out disgusting adn selfish, and now 2 people will suffer. Make lemonade? That is exactly what this manipulative woman was counting on. ↑
its going to be a new year. let go of your anger . she was wrong to do it. but she must love you enough to want to be apart of u you .........put a little love in your heart. and the world will be a better place.......................... let it go enjoy the baby.peace to all ↑
Grow up and act like a grown man. So, she tricked you. You are married and have been together for five years. All you need to do is modify your plans. At the age of "mid-30's" a woman's clock is ticking pretty loud. I guess she took it upon herself to make her decision about a baby. Just get over it and be a father and a husband. Even by your mid-30's your fertility goes down by a large percentage. Trust me, I just go pregnant with our 3rd and this time it took us 4 years to get pregnant. I am 32! ↑
Jennifer and Tiffany, thank you for validating my thoughts with your incredibly selfish responses. It takes TWO PEOPLE ON THE SAME PAGE to bring a human life into this world? Clock ticking? Lord help us all... ↑
i think that you are looking at this very one sided. yes she tricked you and that was wrong. so confront her and tell her how you feel. but as far as the child you loved her enough to marry her and having a child is great. yes it may change your plans for a few years but not for life. she can still finish school....(i did) and you two can still travel. you might have to modify where you go or activities you do there but you can still go. and once you see this child your priorities change and you may see how happy this child makes you and not want to travel just to enjoy every minute of this child life. ↑
Sadly, I too have recently been fooled in a similar fashion. My wife and I are 29, and had been together for several years before getting married last June. It has not yet been a year since our marriage, and although we had previously discussed in depth our plans to have children in the future, she too went and 'tricked' me into having a baby. She stopped taking 'the pill' without informing me, and made no effort to alert me of the scenario when we were having sex. Long story short, she got pregnant, I found out about her deception, and yet she doesn't seem to appreciate the gravity of the situation. It is bad enough she breached my trust, and an agreement we had set for the future, but furthermore, she doesn't realize that her selfish decision to deceive me will ultimately reflect on the well-being of the child, if it is born. Currently, we are both struggling even to feed our own selves, let alone a baby, we have bills piled knee-high, and we both have (had?) plans to further our education and secure more stable careers before starting a family. My wife maintains that we can "get through it", but that is hardly the issue. In my eyes, and even in the eyes of family and friends, just "getting through it" doesn't cut the mustard. Primarily, the issue at hand is trust. My wife brached our trust; just as your wife breached the trust you thought you had between you and her. This is likely only the first stepping stone of what is to come, and the chances are high that if she feels no regret for having deceived you even in light of such a serious situation, the smaller obstacles in life down the road will be easy for her to lie to you about without conscience. Explain to her how you feel, and if she is responsive to your concerns, then it may be worth working out. Chances are, however, she will try to defend herself and her actions, often attempting to turn the situation around on you to make you feel as though YOU are to blame. Don't let this affect you, you are fighting not only for your own rights, but also for a far more noble cause; that being the life of another innocent human being. It is WRONG for your wife to assume you are "ready" to have a child with her without first consulting you, regardless of whether or not you have "discussed it" in the past. It is even more wrong for her to act on her own selfish feelings of wanting a kid, all the meanwhile neglecting to consider the prospective welfare of the child in the future. I wonder just how well the child would react at age 18 once he/she learned that the reason he/she had to eat balogne sandwiches for school lunches and wear 2nd hand clothes all his/her life was because mommy didn't give a toot about daddy or the family situation and went ahead and had a child anyway simply because she wanted to. That would go over about as well as a man explaining to his kid that the reason life is so rough was due to the fact that he gambled the family savings away because he felt "lucky" .. Often women try to blame their "internal clock" for tricking their hubbies into having children. That is horsecrap. The so-called "internal clock" is no more than a woman's way of trying to keep up with the Jones': "Martha has a kid, then so should I", or "I will have a kid before Sally", yaddayaddayadda... No, folks, acts like this cannot be excused. A woman who lies, is deceptive, and fools their partner into getting them pregant is a very selfish individual. Whether divorce is the answer or not is not somthing I know, as both staying with or leaving your deceptive wife can have adverse effects on the development of the child, and ultimately, the well being of the child should be the primary concern here. The sad truth of the matter is, no child should be born to suffer as a result of a selfish parent. No child will benefit from having parents who are unhappy with one another and stay together simply "for the sake of the kids". Kids are people too, and they aren't dumb, don't expect to be able to fool them. Think this through HARD, having children when ill-prepared to so so could potentially become a nightmare that will prepetuate for generations to come. ↑
well i think what she did was sneaky but she may have really forgot speaking from a life experiance of my best friend who is now 61/2 months pregnant and did not plan her pregnancy she stopped taking the pill she told her boyfriend and he forgot my point is, is that now they are not together and he accuses her of trying to trap him which is completly not true and very hurtful to her and unfortunatly their baby has to grow up with seperated parents what im trying to say is it was a crappy thing to do but when you see that baby for the first time the feeling of love that you feel is overwhelming like nothing that you ever thought that you were capable of feeling and if you love your wife and youve been together that long try to get through it with her and just because you have a baby dosent mean you cant finish school or travel bringing a life into this world is one of the biggest accomplishments of your life and when the baby gets here you will never belive that you went all this time without him/her goodluck and i hope things workout for the best ↑
If you stop taking the pill and continue having sex you ARE planning a pregnancy. Jackie, your friend should just have an abortion, just like the original poster's wife should have done. Bringing babies into the world when you are not prepared to care for them financially OR emotionally is stupid and cruel. ↑
You are right, six and a half months is a little late to have an abortion. Later term abortions are riskier for the mother. It's too bad Jackie's friend was too stupid to get the morning after pill or to get an abortion 3 months ago when it would have been easy. I feel so sorry for her poor boyfriend who has to pay for her idiotic mistake. ↑
