Question: Does anyone else suffer from postpartum ocd?? I know that the intrusive, disturbing, unwanted thoughts are ocd, but I want them to go away. I would NEVER hurt my baby, but I'm tired of all those crazy thoughts that just POP into my head! Anyone else in the same boat?? Just needing some support. Thanks for listening. ?
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Answer: MY DAUGHTER IS FIVE NOW. THIS PAST YEAR IS THE FIRST YEAR I'M STARTING TO FEEL LIKE MYSELF. I HAD POSTPARTUM SO BAD. I HAD THIS FOGGY HEADED FEELING. I FELT LIKE MY HUSBAND WAS BETTER OFF WITHOUT ME. I WANTED TO RUN AWAY AND NOT TELL ANYONE. I WANTED TO DIE. I WAS SO NERVOUS, PARANOID, ANGRY. I WAS SO TIRED I FELT SICK. I WOULD HIT MY HEAD AGAINST THE WALL, SCRATCH MY ARMS. SOMETIMES I WISHED MY DAUGHTER WOULD NOT WAKE UP. AND I WOULD THINK "OH WELL". I WISHED I HAD NEVER HAD HER. I WAS MAD THAT I DID THIS TO MYSELF. I DIDN'T WANT ANYONE TO KNOW I WAS FEELING THIS WAY. CAUSE I KNEW THEY WOULD PUT ME AWAY IN A HOSPITAL. I WAS SCARED. I FELT LIKE I WAS GOING CRAZY. EVERY TIME I ASKED WHY BEING A MOM WAS SO HARD. EVERYONE WOULD SAY" YOU JUST DO IT" OR " THIS IS WHAT YOU ASKED FOR" I FELT EVEN WORSE ABOUT MYSELF. NOBODY SAW MY PAIN. IT WAS HELL. I TRIED SO HARD TO HANG ON. TO GET THROUGH THIS PERIOD OF MY LIFE. THERE WAS A CELEBRITY ON T.V. THAT SAID SHE HAD POSTPARTUM. THAT'S HOW I KNEW I HAD IT. THIS IS A SMALL PART OF MY STORY. HOPE IT HELPS. =
Answer: Hi, I had postpartum OCD so bad with my first baby 16 years ago, I am afraid it will happen again this time, however this time, I am under psychiatric care so I do have support and help. There is no shame in talking with someone.. I hope you can talk to your doctor and he or she can help you. No one is going to take your baby from you as so many women are worried about and therefore suffer in silence, they will treat your chemical imbalance and help you with talk therapy. It is a horrible thing to go through but there is definitely help for it. Lots of luck xoxo =
Answer: I totally know what you are going through. Thank God I found this site. Now I know I'm not crazy. I have always had OCD, but not very bad, and usually my obsessions were with numbers and counting, nothing major. About 4 months after having my baby( he is 1now) I started having the intrusive thoughts. Like you said, they just POP into your head. I will pick up a knife to cut carrots or something and all of a sudden I'll just think"what if I ___". I know I wouldn't hurt him, I don't hear voices or any of that, but like you, I'm tired of these thoughts. Lately, I've been obsessing about someone else hurting him. I've found it gets worse the more crime shows I watch or the news-it just gives me more things to obsess about. I didn't have any other classic symptoms of PPD, that's why I had no clue what was going on. =
Answer: I just recently found info on postpartum OCD. I am almost releaved to hear the story of others. All of these HORRIFING images keep popping into my head and I have such a hard time keeping them at bay. I only get a break from the images when I am obsessing over SIDS. I have a history of depression and my DR. wanted me to take Prozac which I was avoiding. I have secided to begin it again. I love my daughter so much and want to be there 100% for her. I just read an MD's blog regarding OCD and it state that mothers w/OCD do not act on thier compulsions. I know that gave me some piece of mind =
Answer: ocd isn't about horrifying images. its about repetition. =
Answer: PPOCD is in fact about having horrible images about harming your baby enter your thoughts unwanted. One may or may not have repetitive compulsions in an effort to control or stop the images. The best thing to do is let them enter one ear and flow out of the other in an attempt to give them as little power as possible. Remind yourself that you would never harm your baby and that the intrusive thoughts are irrational- a result of the many hormonal changes your body goes through. Seek therapy with someone who specializes in PPOCD. It will really help you. Remember that you are not crazy, no one will take your baby, you will not be put in a hospital, you are a good mother! =
Answer: It's important to note that as an OCD sufferer, you are no more likely to hurt your baby than a person who suffers from contamination OCD is likely to die because he didn't wash his hands 50 times before sitting down to eat dinner.
I have suffered from OCD since the age of 10 (29 years now). I have three children, ages 20, 15 and 13. Two of my three children have OCD. All of us have been successfully treated with a combination of OCD medications and exposure and cognitive therapy. I dealt with some degree of pre and postpartum OCD with each child. The first bout was so severe, I would describe it as soul-destroying and identity-robbing. I mistakenly thought my fears defined me as a person. (What kind of monster can I be if I have these fears?) Now, I know the opposite is true. With this disorder, it's not unlikely to fear things that are least like you, simply because these things are most important to you. For instance, an OCDer who adores her cat might be consumed by fears of bringing harm to the cat, directly or indirectly. A deeply religious OCDer might be consumed by blasphemous thoughts because he fears they'll offend God. I'm sure you see the pattern here. There's a lot of good literature out there to help you. I recommend Jeffrey Schwartz's book Brain Lock for starters. Just remember you are not alone and that your fears aren't based on real threats. Good luck to you. =
Answer: I am so glad to have found you. I suffered so badly from depression before and after my first child that he was an only child for 10 years. Recently, I've made significant lifestyle changes trying to combat the root causes of the depression (child hood abuse, rotten first marriage, etc.) and am in such a better place than I've ever been. I'm off antidepressants after 10 years on them. I can get out of the bed for the first time since... ? I remarried a wonderful man, got pregnant -new life. For the first time in my life, no depression to be found. Then about 1 month after my son was born (he's almost 5 months now) WHAM! It was like being hit by a flying projectile. I emotionally fell to the ground. What was that awful thought???? The panic and fear that that thought brought with it. " I really am a monster- I'm going to hurt him, my baby is going to be gone (!) and I'll be sent away and my husband will hate me and my life will be over and.. and... and...." it was awful. But what made it even worse, if that's possible, was the feeling (there's fear again) that I can't tell anyone.( It took me two tries before I could give my email address to this forum (irrational fear-what if "they" trace me through my address and come and take my baby?) They would take him away..........if I really would hurt him then I WANT them to take him away but I WON'T......will I ? Oh, God. This is horrible. And I didn't recognize it as anything because I thought that I knew depression so well.... I don't have overt OCD symptoms-I didn't know that my huge FEAR and WORRY were symptoms. I stopped watching the News years ago 'cause it stressed me so much. I do find myself doing minor repetitive things to alleviate the fear, all the knives in the drawers face away from me etc.. And then I find you and other places and I realize that, although not healthy, this is "normal" and I'll be ok and most importantly, the baby will be ok.
And if it gets to be too much, I CAN go get help. They will NOT take my child. Relief. Tears of relief. =
Answer: I feel like someone gave me my life back. =
Answer: I am a first time mom at age 28 of a beautiful 7 mth old healthy baby girl.i had a very challenging pregnancy.even though it was rough i never thought i would be diagnosed with ppd anxiety/ocd never. i read about other women who had it and were going through it and said sucks to be them,never thought it would be me until after the birth of my DD. I started with painfull tension headache for 1 month. i then went to the doc and she diagnosed me and went to a pdoc and told him to do everthing and i would be up for what he told me to do as long as he took this away and made me feel like normal me again. i have been on meds since begining of jan. I had my ugly days in the begining than about 3 weeks ago i swear i thought i was cured but than i started to get those thoughts lingering in and well i'm not cured obviously. i have to say that i believe it has to do with my period when i feel off but i don't know. i just need to know that after 7 months i thought i would be close to being cure or coming off this. don't get me wrong i don't feel like in the begining but i hope to god that this feelings go aweay for ever. =
Answer: I just finished reading Brooke Shield's book about ppd and it made me realize that one of her symptoms was the only true common denominator between her and I. I've been disturbed by these thoughts for so long, but had no idea there was a name for it. My daughter is just now 13 months, but no one told me there are different forms of PPD! I don't know where or who to turn to for help yet, I live in Missouri, but at least I found out I'm not abnormal. =
Answer: Hi ladies, I've been going through a really bad time since I miscarried in early March 2006. At the end of April 2006, I went on vacation with my family while my husband stayed home. While away, I experienced a sever panic attack, to the extent that I came hom from the trip early, to go to the emergency room. I had been dehydrated do to the severe diahrrea I was having (sorry TMI). Upon returning home I did not feel better, I continued to be severally anxious, thinking I'd need to be hospitalized in a mental hospital! I was so scared, I couldn't eat and lost 12 pounds, and would just lay around shaking all the time. I started seeing a psychiatrist, who has diagnosed me with a generalized anxiety disorder and depression, which could be similar to a PPD or PP/OCD? I never heard of this, has anyone else? I've been trying anti-depressents, the first of which had the adverse reaction for me, I'm on the second one now. I'm really upset though because its safe to concieve while taking these medications!!! And the Dr. says I will need to be on them for 6-9 months, I'm so devastated! Also since my miscarriage I've noticed the following, fairly bad acne all over my body which I did not have before, and alot stronger PMS symptoms, also not present before. Could I have a horomone imbalance after having a miscarriage? Thanks :) Stacie =
Answer: I was diagnosed with Postpartum OCD about 4 monhts after having my child. I had a panic attack once because I convinced myself that I'd be a horrible mother someday and that I would hurt her. Those were actually my worst fears. I also did a lot of checking, counting, among other things. I started having obsessive thoughts about my husband and other family members that were just outrageous! I had cognitive behavioral therapy for 3 months, and that helped a lot. The thing that "cured" me was Lexapro--an SSRI. I suggest getting help and not feeling any guilt. OCD people are great; they're just a little different! =
Answer: Hello A. I just read this whole thread. My daughter is 6 weeks old and I suffer from PPOCD. It sucks. I just wanted to know how are you doing lately? I am back on my antidepressants now and they help somewhat. I don't seem to have as many thoughts as I did after her birth. I hope it all goes away completely one day, because the anxiety and guilt you feel is very overwhelming. =
Answer: Hi Mel,
Sorry to hear that you are going through a rough time. I can now say that I'm doing better and my husband and I are thinking about concieving again. I understand how devastating this time can be. The thoughts the obsessions are all so horrible. I know I took comfort in knowing that I wasn't the only one out there going through something a terrible as this. I've been on a fairly steady dose of Lexapro and that along with therapy has been helping me. My husband and I are talking about trying to concieve again but I'm scared of more ppocd. Terrified of it actually. With me the ocd and anxiety seem to come and go in my life. I just have to keep in mind that it will go away, it just seems like it takes forever when your going through it. Hope your feeling better soon. =
Answer: I want to thank you for all your stories i have found that talking to other people and listening to thier stories is the most helpfull strategy for healing the pain and fear of this disorder.I never even heard of this ppdocd befroe and so when it happend to me i was devistated, terrified,confused. my daughter was around 8 months old before i had my first major attack, i was in the kitchen and i saw a knife i thought oh my god what if i could hurt my duaghter what if i would hurt her. instant fear came over me i picked her up put her in the car and drove to my friends house as if i was trying to save her from me iwas freaking out.i thought what would make me thinki could hurt my own baby i must be absolutly crazy like those women who hurt thier kids.i was disgusted and terrified, i literally dropped my baby off at a friends and went to a walk in mental health clinic. they could'nt help me i told the lady everything( even though i ws scared they would call protective services)bu ti wa smore scared of my crazt thought .they basically told me to go home and get some sleep and followup with someone else ,and i did and noone could help me ,in search of help/answers i went to the book store and read all books on mental disorders nothing completely fit untill i found a book called "agost in my house" it was one of the best feelings in my life when i found out what i had because then i knew i could try to stop it.I know this ppocd is a horrible thing but it helps me to know im not alone andi hope it helps you to.my daughter is now 2 and though i still have episodes they are not as often, howevr they are still traumatic for me, i am considering meds but for now thanks for listening , only you women can understand and we can help eachother please keep wrighting, it helps me also to know that these are just tought but not reality and let them come and let them go you will be alright
thank you =
Answer: Please know that EVERYONE has unwanted thoughts. People with OCD interpret their thoughts to a much higher extent - thus creating the cycle of "I must be a horrible person because I thought ......."
A really good book to read is called Imp of the Mind. It talks about obsessional bad thoughts. Just note that OCD likes to "go after" anything that you think is important, ie like your child. Check out Jon Kabat Zinn and his CD called Mindfulness. He explains how we need to treat thoughts, all thoughts...we just let them come and go, not to fight them. If we fight them they just come back stronger. You are not alone. I have been struggling with postpartum ocd for 15 months. You're not a bad person for having thoughts, no matter how "disturbing" they may be. Another thing Kabat Zinn said "if you don't take the thoughts so personally, maybe they won't take you so personally". It's truly not personal. Good luck. If you need help see an OCD behavioral therapist who works with Exposure and Response Prevention. =
Answer: It's such a relief to read that so many others understand what this is about. I feel so isolated. My daughter is now 4 years old. I was 'hit' by the OCD almost as soon as I came out of hospital with her - I could think of 101 ways that I might do her harm. A nurse was sent out to me who diagnosed OCD and I was put on strong anti-depressants. I've been on and off the meds for the past 4 years. Haven't been on them since September now as we thought we'd try for another baby and CBT started in December. However, I feel worse than ever. I doubt myself so much. Reading some of your accounts, you are so sure you will never hurt your child and I can't feel that certainty. I'm trying to be positive and remember things like if she's hurt it really breaks me up, I worry about her future, therefore I must love her, but the thoughts seem so 'strong' I feel they will take me over one day. Has anyone else felt like this? =
Answer: Yes, I've felt that way and its a hard feeling to shake. Its terrifying, like these thoughts define you. When in fact, they scare you. One way my therapist taught me to look at it is, the type of person who would act on those thoughts we find so taunting, are the people who wouldn't think anything wrong with having those thoughts. Basically, the fact that these thoughts bother us shows we have the capacity to feel pain and remorse, people who act on these thoughsts do not have that ability. I have used the John Kabat Zinn cd's as well and have found them very helpful. I'm currently on Prozac, my Dr says studies have been done that show its safe in pregnancy. However, I found out today that I've m/c again at 6.5 weeks. I'm more angry than anything. WHY does this keep happening to me??? =
Answer: I'm so sorry to hear you have miscarried again. It's a fear of mine if I go back on the meds and try for another baby. I have read of a number of other women, though, on the netmums.com website (UK site) who have managed to have perfectly healthy babies whilst being on anti-depressants, prozac included. Has your doctor investigated other reasons why you might be miscarrying? =
Answer: I just found out that I may have this disorder, after dealing with it for 5 years. I had post partum depression with my last 3 pregnancies, then after the last it turned into having horrible thoughts about my family being harmed. I have the thoughts every day, I wish they would go away too. I would like to know if we have the same symptoms. =
Answer: i have that running away feeling still to,dont know if its ppd. i don't think about hurting the baby a lot though. Sometimes i start thinking about what if i didn't have her or that i shouldn't have(even though i planned it) ,although i'm sure i love her still. =
Answer: momofive - I have terrible thoughts about things I would do to my little girl, which in turn brings me great anxiety. That's the key to it being ocd I think - the fact that you FEEL awful about it is probably the thing that means you're not going to do anything.
I recently asked a hypnotherapist to do me a personalised CD which is helping. I keep thinking about the lines: thoughts are like clouds, they come and they go and I can simply observe that they are there and then let them go. It has become my mantra! It is helping. It's important to try and calm yourself down I think. =
Answer: Im 19 years old and i have a daughter (she will be one on monday =) and i have been on medications for the last five or so months because after she was born i had SEVERE post partum depression. the medication has definitely helped me alot and i feel back to my old self again except for one thing...for the past two months or so im TERRIFIED of somebody causing harm to my baby or of her getting sick.. i have nightmares every night and i wake up crying. lately the dreams have been of her getting sick with cancer. this dream especially makes me sick to my stomach because cancer runs in my family history on both my parents sides.. when ever i try and talk to anyone about how i feel they just say "ohh your just over protective of your daughter.." " every mom gets like that!" but this is getting rediculous. it does not feel normal to me. could this possibly be OCD? =
Answer: I have now been going through PPOCD for about 9 months. I am on medication and it seemed to have helped until a few weeks ago. The thoughts started coming back and I started getting anxiety with them. They only pop into my brain at night when I am away from my son. When I am with him I feel horrible for having them and wonder how a mothers brain can miss function to that extent. I read everyones blogs and talk about these feelings with my spouse which helps, but its exhausting to fight off the feelings and thoughts. I wish I had a time clock that could show me how long I have to deal with this because its truly a horrible feeling. I feel for all of you and send my prayers and support to you. Those who do not understand it, feel it and experience it have no idea how much strengh it takes for us to get through the day. The emotional power it takes to be a mom with ppocd is draining. I love my little boy with every cell in my body so this glitch in my brain function is something I do not understand. As long as we do not suffer in silence I believe we will find peace in eachothers situations and support. I know that I have. Thank-you. =
Answer: Has anyone had PP-OCD come back after it being gone for a while?
What medications have any of you been on that work without making you "out of it"?
I took Zoloft for 4 days and was more depressed than when I was dealing with PP-OCD, so I stopped it. I take Xanax for anxious days, but it makes me sleepy within an hour after taking it, like a Benadryl.
Thanks,
Laura =
Answer: Hey everyone,
I joined this site because of this thread. I have a 2 month old son and I've just recently realized that what was happening to me was definitely postpartum SOMETHING. I've been having panic attacks almost every night and a couple times throughout the day. It seems worse at night. I think of the most horrible things happening to my son and my husband, and I feel like I am going crazy. I made an appointment with my OB for later on today. I hope we can figure out some kind of treatment, I can't live like this anymore. =
Answer: I had PPD and PPOCD with my son who was born in 2004 ..I suffered for 14 months not knowing what the heck was going on with me. After a panic attack and a visit to the ER, I finally saw a therapist and went on Zoloft. It worked wonders. The intrusive thoughts were gone and I was happy. In 2007 I got pregnant with my daughter who was born Xmas day 2007. The instrusive thoughts started happening in my last trimester and continued after she was born. After she was born I started taking the Zoloft again at 100mg and was increased to 200mg. I've been taking it for almost 4 months and I cant say its helping 100%, unlike last time. There are times I feel better, but they often come back. They really are the hardest thing I have ever dealt with in my life. They are just so painful it does become hard to function. Not that I would want anyone to feel like this, but it does help to know that others experience the same thing. On a similar note - has anyone had medication that worked better under brand name rather than generic. Last time I was on brand zoloft and this time I'm on generic zoloft. Wondering if that had anything to do with it.
Anyway, please remember to urge the passing of the "Mothers Act." =
Answer: I have had OCD (only thoughts not compulsions) episodes before. My daughter is now one month old and I have been pretty freaked out since she was born. My obsessions and panics switch around put right now I am obsessed with not being able to sleep ever again because I am worried about her which means I won't be able to take care of my daughter which means I am terrible person which means I should kill myself etc. etc. My family became very alarmed and has completely rallied around me. I am much better if I can sleep at least 7 hours at night so right now my mom is handling the night feedings and I am so ashamed of this. I take a sleeping pill and go to bed and my mom does the night feedings and I wake up at 5:00 Am and start my "shift" while my mom sleeps in until 12 PM. I can't nap during the day while baby is asleep and I can't sleep with her in the room as every breath she takes panics me and I never know when to go pick her up and feed her (I am also obsessed with her gaining weight). I am back on Prozac which I went off of when I was PG. It has controlled my OCD in the past but I am so afraid I can't accept this responsibility of feeding my daughter at night and when I take over again I will be back to where I started before my mom took over (total panic and suicidal thoughts). Today is my 35th b-day and I am sick to my stomach thinking about what I am "doing" to my mom and the fact that I may not be up to the challenge of taking care of a baby and I should have thought of that before I got PG. My daughter is healthy and actually pretty easy I think which just adds to my shame that I feel like I can't handle it. How do people deal with the sleep deprivation of caring for newborns? =
Answer: I'm so glad this forum is here. I have a 3 week old, and I'm experiencing so many issues of what you all are going through. I didn't know it was postpartum until my best friend noticed how I was - she also went through it with two of her children. My husband thought it was just baby blues, but it's much more than that. I tried Zoloft, but it upset my stomach. I'm now on Well Buetron (excuse the spelling), and it's not helping. I'm still having PPOCD spells throughout the day. I'm going to call my doc this morning to see if there is something else they can put me on. My friend is taking Paxil, and that is working for her. =
Answer: I suffered from pp-ocd/depression almost 10yrs ago. It was awful....worst experience of my life! I have always had mild ocd but with the depression it was unbearable. I had no idea that so many mothers suffer from this. It feels so unfair, doesn't it? To want with all your heart to be a good mother but be bombarded by all those awful fears. Learning that the fears don't mean anything, that everyone gets them, helps a little. People w/ ocd just take more notice and get more frightened by them. Even when you know that, it's still really frustrating though. Best wishes for recovery to you all. =
Answer: My mother has OCD, and at times of hight stress in my own life, I also adopt OCD tendencies...number counting, obsessive thoughts, etc. but they have always been very mild. My first pregnancy I miscarried at 6wks and blamed (and still do) myself. Then a year later, right before my second pregnancy, I went through a pretty stressful situation. Immediately, following I became pregnant. Throughout most of my pregnancy, I experienced some level of anxiety. My third trimester I started experiencing problems sleeping which I presumed were normal. My daughter was born without complications (although I did end up having to have a C-section and I was/still am living in Costa Rica with my husband while my family is back home in the US) and everything was great for the first 5wks after her birth. Then it all started. First, I could not sleep AT ALL. I went three nights without one minute of sleep. Then, the mind racing thoughts and my body always felt as though I had just drank a pot of coffee. Then the obsessive thoughts about hurting my daughter that brought on panic attacks. I didn’t want to be left alone with my daughter. I wouldn’t come near my kitchen in fear that I would grab a knife and stab my baby. I was terrified that I would drown her in her baby tub. For me, my biggest fear was and is losing control and taking on a different personality (like schizophrenia) because these obtrusive thoughts were SO UNLIKE ME. My daughter is 10 months now. I can say that it DOES GET BETTER. I was giving Clonzepam for sleep/panic attacks which worked very well BUT just know that the withdrawal is utter hell. What the docs don´t tell you is that if you use it for more than 2 wks you will develop psychological and physiological dependence. I was on it for more than 4 months. I tried Prozac, Effexor, Paxil and Zoloft. All of them made me sick as a dog. Then my doc put me on Lamictal (75mg which is a low dose) and it really helped to soften the anxiety. For me, any dose higher than 75mg gave me a horrible case of amnesia. I have been taking Lamictal for about 5 months now and although there are a few side effects at this dosage, they really haven’t been that bad. I also have had Mirena inserted about 5 months ago and I am not totally convinced that some of my lingering anxiety isn’t attributed to the hormonal IUD. I do occasionally still have obtrusive thoughts about hurting my daughter, which in turn makes me feel like an evil, horrible person and then I feel even more guilty when I read about how baby’s have radar for the emotions of their mothers. I am horrified, embarrassed, and disappointed in myself when these thoughts arise. It helps so much to read about all of your experiences and know that I am not alone. I hope that by all of us sharing our experiences we can help each other. This is the first time that I have talked about my obtrusive thoughts and it does feel better! =
Answer: Yes, it does help to hear other stories. I never did send an update. I stayed on Well Buetrin. It just took about 2 weeks for it to kick in. I have the side effect of ringing in my ears, but I'd rather have that than experience what I was. I did forget to take it one day and I was an emotional wreck the next day. I only have a 4 month prescription but the doc says I can ask for more if needed. I think I'll probably need it. =
Answer: I have the same problem and im soo frustrated cuz ive had it the whole time i was pregnant and now that im not pregnant and the hospital committed me to a physch facility and thought that i was crazy and put me on antiphycotics! what did your doc do for you? what med are you on? =
Answer: Hi yes I am going through the same thing and I am desperate to talk to someone myself. I feel like I am some crazy person. If you would like to email me maybe we can talk easier
m_sweetgurl at hotmail
I really need someone to relate to right now!
Thanks
Michelle =
Answer: I have been dealing with postpartum OCD for a while now . So I know how everyone feels and what there going through . I just dont like feeling alone about it . Like I'm the only one .Some people dont understand . I take medicine for it but if I stop it comes right back . Its depressing and sad . =
