picture of cousins stillborn baby really upsetting me
Name: margie
Question: In my fiances grandmas house she has a black and white 5x7 picture of his cousins stillborn baby on the top of the entertainment center next to our babys picture and in front of all the living children. i know that his cousin still celebrates the babys birthday as well, she has 3 other children and this happened several years ago, i believe it was her second child. i have been through miscarriage at 10 weeks but not stillbirth. i am having a very hard time getting over seeing the picture, the image keeps popping up in my head...i just saw it for the first time this weekend and still feel like crying everytime i think of it. the baby was so beautiful like a little angel and i could imagine her wings....is it pretty normal way to overcome the grief to keep a picture up like this for so long? im feeling like im the one with the problem for it upsetting me so terribly, but i just am having a hard time shaking it for some reason, im tearing up about it again even as i write this! i just can't imagine why these things happen to people, it is so unfair. ?
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Answer: I'm sorry it's upsetting to you. Our daughter was stillborn at 30 weeks on 3/27/08 due to a complete placental abruption. The hospital staff took alot of colored pictures for us and they called a photographer in to take some black and whites. I am very thankful for my pictures. I had to have an emergency c-section and developed DIC which is a blood clotting disorder and received 8 units of blood. My doctor said that medically I should be dead too. I was not in any shape to take pictures because of this and the medications I was given. I barely have memories of holding her. I have let anyone see the pictures that wants to but I wouldn't force them on anyone. We have pictures of her along with her urn in our living room. I have had several family members ask for copies but right now I'm not ready for others to display them in their homes. As hard as it is to see the pictures she was our baby and she did exist. I can't just put them away and pretend she didn't. I don't think I will ever "overcome" my grief but I'm sure I will always have her pictures out. We have always wanted a baby more than anything. My husband and I are both 39 and have been married for 12 1/2 years. We don't have any other children. We have had 4 first trimester losses and 1 stillborn. It's very hard to accept that we will never have a baby of our own. The doctor has advised against it. I aslo had preeclampsia and I'm still having blood pressure problems. =
Answer: Hi Margie,
Wow! I can only imagine. I think that yes it is a very normal way to grief. A friend of mine recently delivered a still born baby girl. She knew she had already died and so they induced her labor at 32 weeks. Her and her husband were able to hold her and they also named her. They gave her a funeral and buried her at a nice Cemetery. And now annually they go and visit her grave. I know that they did take pictures of her however, she does not keep them framed. I think that death can be such a daunting subject for us sometimes and everybody handles it different. Babies are so precious. Recently my 1 year old nephew was killed. And of coarse we had more time to get to know him then a still born but we also keep his pictures up. I think for me what makes it so sad is to see his pictures next to my son. They were the same age. All of my son's pictures are showing his growth-however my nephew stays the same age. It makes it hard to know what his life could have been like. The good news is we will one day see our loved ones again. Because to be absent from your body is to be present with the Lord! And that is the best thing I can do for my mind when thinking about these little angels. =
Answer: Oh my gosh...Im so sorry Melissa for your loss, see it is the pain that I know that stillbirth brings that makes me cry. It seems so unfair to come so close and be given this little angel to lay your eyes on them and hold them in your arms, and then have them taken away. I pray that you and your husband will always hold her memory dear to your heart and somehow find peace, I do believe that babies are heavens most loved little angels. Rmora- I am so sorry to hear about your friend and your sweet little nephew. Even before I ever got pregnant or had a child I have always had this empathy for women who lose their children whether it is prior to being born or afterwards. Thank you so much for sharing your stories, it puts a real perspective to my feelings of sadness. Your strength is amazing. =
Answer: Margie,
I understand how you feel about the picture. Our 3rd baby was stillborn at 38 weeks in May. He was perfect, like a sleeping angel, 6lbs 8oz. We have pictures and handprints and funeral pictures. My mother in law has a "plate" with each of her 5 grands on it at birth. She also ordered one of our little angel. I am a little worried about that, when it comes back, I wonder will she hide it, will she place it with the others, and what do I want her to do. If she hides it, I may feel like he's different than them, which he is I know. If she places it beside the others, will I hurt when I see it. My pictures aren't on display, cause I am in enough pain without it staring me in the face, but then I feel guilty, like I am not showing him the honor he deserves from me....So I really understand the way you feel. But if it helps them to honor that little angel and move on, then I am happy for them, and I hope it gets better for you. I also want to say that I am sorry for your loss. A baby is a baby, no matter the age or birth status. When we find out that there's a miracle inside us, the love blossoms every second, and even death cannot stop that! My prayers are with you, for God is the only Healer.---Lisa =
Answer: Lisa, I find that people who go through these losses end up so much stronger through the pain. That is just what that picture looked like to me, a beautiful sleeping angel. Seeing the baby didn't bother me but to look at such a beautiful little human and so perfect and then to find out that she didn't make it is what really upset me I guess. I just have overwhelming sympathy and sadness. I know how sad I was after miscarriage...I can only imagine! I think it was hard seeing my daugther next to their daughter that didn't make it, I just immediately felt it in my gut, how lucky I am to have such a blessing and for them to go through such pain. Just like Rmora said, its sad to see all the living babies around that little angels picture and after talking to you ladies I actually think that its a beautiful tribute that her grandmother put her picture in a prominent place, I'm so glad that you all feel comfortable sharing your stories. I have also since then found out that my fiance's grandmother also had a stillborn baby, she is 81 and had 11 children and yet I still think she probably grieves for that one that didnt make it. I think that the picture must remind her of her little angel. It's just like how I will always keep the ultrasound pictures I have of my little peanut that didnt make it. It's true that love begins at the creation of life and the pain is there no matter how quickly it is taken away from you. God bless, I pray frequently for those of you that have lost your babies. =
Answer: It is devastating. I have also never had a still born, but I know two people who did. The first was a friend of mine who lost her baby at seven months. She had epilepsy too. She could never talk about it without crying. When she first told me, I was very sorry for what she had been through. I had never been pregnant before though so it was all I could do to offer her my compassion. I did not truly understand the pain. After my loss I thought of her and began to cry for her. It wasn't the same, but now I find I can't read stories or hear about stillbirth without crying. Having a baby of my own makes it more powerful. Losing her would have been the hardest thing I could ever imagine. Just thank God I didn't see that picture, I'd likely be crying right beside you. My mother's friend in Wisconsin had a baby born alive but he was missing his esophagus and a kidney. I don't think he lived more than a few days. My mother went to the funeral. I think I was either a baby at the time or not conceived. She said it was the saddest funeral she'd ever attended next to my aunt. My aunt was nine months pregnant when an aneurysm in her head burst. My uncle found her dead on their kitchen floor. She was in the middle of cooking dinner. I know I have an angel cousin in heaven. They named her Sharon Anne (My mother's name is Anne), and it was a double funeral. Stillbirth is such a tragedy... but at least we know those babies are forever in bliss... =
Answer: Sorry I meant three people. I had to stop typing as I felt myself getting teary eyed. =
Answer: margie i completely understand where youre coming from. i cant get past it when i see a picture of a stillborn, as beautiful as my mother looked in her coffin i cant imagine having a picture of her on my mantle. i can understand the need or want for pictures, especially after all a mother goes through but the whole dead body thing still gets to me...baby or not. what i do find incredibly sad is when we do autopsies on stillborns. to see them in real life so perfect, especially when there is no obvious reason why, is terribly heartbreaking. my heart aches for every parent when i see those babies. i think of those poor mothers who had to actually go through thepain of labor to no avail..im getting a lump in my throat just typing about it. melissabp i am so sorry for your loss and i can understand why you wouldnt want to share them. i cant imagine a more private pain. you and anyone who has had a stillborn are always in my prayers. =
