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i know it will get better in the long run. but as of now its painful every minute of the day. i work, i think of her, i sleep same thing, i wake up thinking. i attemtped ways to end my life a few times but nothing. i dont get why this one is soo hard to move on from but its eating me alive inside everyday. we werent together as long as my last relationships were idk if it was because we were engaged, or because of a child or because i was close to her family but this one feels like something different and its killing me. its like all i think is her dating or talking to someone else even though i doubt she is because the abortion and her mother dying soon ect. its just alot of crap on my mind killing me and idk what to do anymore. i lay down try to take my mind off of things and bam i think of her for some reason. or i drive past something and i think of us over there. its killing me.

well I should be able to collect unemployment, my friend worked in McDonalds for 3 years and just 3 weeks ago he got fired because he had a problem with attendance. I don't know how he did it but he is collecting unemployment from it or got qualified, he stated the reasons why he had the problem with attendance and they just accepted him so why not, maybe I should give it a try. I got terminated because of that on my previous job which I worked in 5 years but then I got another one, packing stuff...I had an employee harrassing me and just didn't wanted to work there anymore so I left and now the agency can't find me work, I should of just staid and dealt with the guy but he knew I had opened my mouth and it just felt akward having him around, I knew sooner or later he was going to do something stupid so I left to avoid problems.

Well john if it helps, my maria was the first woman I took the bed and got pregnant. so you may be filling attached to her because she was the first woman you got pregnant and so committed with.

The gut stomach feeling you get is the feeling of rejection, it makes you feel like something is wrong with you deep inside but you dont know what it is and your ex only makes it worse by not telling you...then its even worse when you see her dating other guys, you keep probing yourself to try to find out why she left and its that feeling of rejection to want to know why she left, what could you have done different to avoid what is happening now, if only you had another chance. Rejection is a terrible part of life that we must accept. Haven't you felt the same way, when you liked a girl, dated her for a couple of days and when you pop the question shes like, well i'm seeing another guy....its rejection man, it makes you feel that there is something personally wrong with you and you want to find out what the hell it is, cuz it just drives you crazy, sometimes you can't even eat.

My best advice to you john is to not search for an explanation as to why the rejection occured but to tell yourself that you are going to better your life and move on....sit down and ask yourself the following questions....am I financially stable? do I have a job? do I have a car? am I outgoing? do I have goals in life? Were am I going in life? if you can't answer all of them with a YES you need to do something....ama have to email you the ebook I bought cuz I think it might help you ... send me an email at mrfaosfx_comcast_net .... i'll send you the book I paid $30 for, read it and it will help you man, i definately will its what i read when im depressed .. it doesn't focus not only on your ex but in your life as well, dealing with stress and all kinds of things.

email --] mrfaosfx_comcast_net

1st _ is the at symbol and then the second _ is a ., damn i hope that works now! lol

Well I bet john is hooked on the ebooks right now...lol don't read too much in one sitting john. well i can't say anything, the day my ex broke up with me....when I bought those online, I read pull your ex back all night long....I read all 93 pages of, I was hooked man...

yeah i read some of them but its a shame that the pull your ex back book wont work with mine :(

Well I have not heard anything from my girl since July 13. I talked to some of my friends who have infact seen her with her monther, so I asked..."How was her belly?". They replied, "Belly? What belly? That girl is skinny as hell, just like she used to be."

I tell you I heard this from every body. I'm beginning to think she had some kind of abortion but, according to her mom, she has not....unless my ex hasn't told her mom what she has done.

Abortion at 6 months is the most cruel thing a mother can do, believe it or not, they do abortions at 6 months. They have the mother of the baby drink special fluids which contain chemicals that command the uterus walls to contract, killing the baby with every contraction. Then she goes to the abortion place, they pull the baby out, jam scissors into its skulls and crack it open and pull the brains out and dispose of the baby and file the necessary documents.

I remember that when I was with her, her belly was noticeable, the fact that my friends are telling me, she has no belly...means that something happened to the baby, she lost it or had an abortion done (I don't know why she would do that).

Abortion at 6 months for me is considered murder. I mean that baby has a brain, eyes, nose, ears, arms, legs, intestines, everything....its a living child. Who has the right to take someones life away? The death of an unborn child due to decision of the mother is the most horrible thing a woman can do, not giving that living being the opportunity to see the world, when it was so close to achieving that.

Well anyway, I will call her mother today and find out what the hell is going on, because I'm worried. If it turns out she had an abortion done. I will not ever talk to her again, in fact her presence around me will disgust me, I wouldn't want to be around a person who has done this, I'm sure they had their reasons but everyone deserves a chance to live, you aren't god to be taking someones life just because you think you can.

Clocks:

Baby Birth: 113 days
Her Birthday: 16 days
Hormones: 36 days

Take care everyone, see you guys next Sunday.

ok, raf, on this one, calm down.....i have a friend who is almost 7 months pregnant and the girls say the same thing "belly, what belly?" but she is still pregnant, just a bit on the small side right now, she'll catch up, if i remember right, u are right around my girls due date, and my baby mama lost 8 pounds this month since her last appt, so trust me dude, i dont think she aborted...
your feelings and thoughts are normal for what you're going thru, but just relax a bit man...it'll be alright

Yeah everything is ok. I talked to her mother and she said she was doing ok, just that she hadn't been eating lately due to stress. She told me that the doctor was going to do a stress test on her next time and if she doesn't do better, they will leave her in the hospital until the baby is born. I think that's what they need to do because she has been going through too much stress....hell I'm going through a lot of stress in my life but I'm not letting it get to me.

I have already received an eviction notice and I have to be out of my apart by the second week of August and thanks kaylees, I did the unemployment compensation thing and I'm going to be getting $404 every two weeks. Thats $800 a month which is only good for paying rent, light and car insurance but id have nothing left to go out and enjoy my life....I need a good job real bad...perhaps this ought to help me while I get my GED.

I found out it costs $85 to take it in PA BUT, I also found out I can take it for FREE in New York and my sister lives over there...so if I can some how pass myself up as living in NY, I can schedule and take the test...I might just have to end up moving back to NY for my own sake.

I don't think she would abort the baby anyway kaylees...I don't think she would be that cruel. Lately i've been feeling very emotional and over protective of her....well not her but the baby she is carrying...I ask how she is doing and ask about her but I realize its not Maria that i'm worried about, its the baby inside her....all this time, it wasn't my ex I was afraid to loose, it was my little boy inside her belly...I know she is equally as important but as a father, my little boy comes first. This is going to be my first little one and I don't want to die a man....I want to die a knowing I became a father.

Because, the worst sin in life...is living and dieing not having done anything, not having left part of you behind. I want my little boy so much, I don't care if I work for him and all my money goes towards him....I could care less if she puts me on child support as long as I see my little man.

well you saw what going out and enjoying your life did, you have a son on the way...now is the time for you to step up and make the sacrifices, like not going out, so you can start trying to get ready to take care of that kid....besides it would be good practice because your social life should be all but gone when the kid gets here, although once in a while is good
thats good for the unemployment and about the GED, just remember, if u leave for NY, u lose unemployment in PA, if u dont change that they can come after you for fraud...anyhow, keep in touch

Well i've been home all day long and a while ago I decided to drive by to see if I could get a glimpse of my ex at her house. Well to my surprise, the house she was living in is now deserted and has a for RENT sign up. Well, that obviously means that she moved out.

Her friend Esthefany lost her job and the only income she has is from her other ex husband which hates her and is only giving her $100 for child support and no more...this alone isn't enough to cover her house bills and rent, so the only choice was for her to move out and + the house had a zoning violation and everyone was told to move out, so either way, she was screwed.

As a last resort, I went to yahoo! people search and put her name in. Several addresses came up with phone numbers. About 7 of them, my guess these were places were she used to live, even our old address was in there when we used to live together.

So since I was bored, I decided to wip out my GPS and plug in all these addresses and added them to my favorites in number order.

First address, nothing....second, nothing, third, nothing, fourth, nothing...I gave up. Hours later I decide to do the rest, on address number 6 I located her friends car and saw her walking into the house with her 1 year and 6 month old kid, I moved quickly out of the area, hopefully I didn't get seen.

I decided to call the phone number listed on that address from a payphone and heard her voice. I did not answer and simply hung up.

I checked up with her moms and asked her how long ago did my ex move out....she said the moving has been going on and about for almost 1 week now.

So now I have her new address and her new number ... although I shouldn't have done this...I feel I need to know in case of an emergency. Like her moms calling me and telling me to go pick her up immediately due to some problem.

I knew my ex was moving out and she didn't do it to avoid me, she did it for financial reasons. The disturbing part is that her mother also told me social services was threatening to take the child away from her, her 1 year old son because she didn't have a job and altho she was getting child support, there is no proof of income from any source other than the father and it all amounts to nothing. She tried to improve the situation by attempting to go back to school for a Medical Assisting career but she is only interested in the $400 cash the school offers to help her with her expenses ... smart but desperate.

I don't know how she is going to go for that career when she didn't finish High School and I know her so well that I know for a fact that there is no way she could have passed the G.E.D , she sucks in Math and her English Grammar is terrible. I remember they went in to take a test....if you have your GED, there is no need for placement tests....this was clear evidence she does not possess a GED and most likely she will try to get it while shooting for that career.

Anyway, the point is...her life seems disturbing. She is sort of giving me a bad reputation. Shes making me look like a dead beat dad but her mother knows I NEVER walked out on her, it was her that walked out on me. I had given her a huge house, a car, I even gave her an extra $100 cash every week when I could, she didn't have to worry about bills or anything, we were happy...I still don't know why the f*ck she decided to move out and try life on her own. Why would you give all that up when you've got it made? Clearly this girl is nuts, everyone says that, even her mother....hell her own mother doesn't want to help her because she says shes lazy as f*ck.

I'm going to be honest with you guys, I don't think this girl deserves a chance from me again. Perhaps she was right, there is no hope for us, not because she doesn't love me but because when she broke up with me after the first month of pregnancy, she slept with her ex husband numerous times and when she broke up with me in July, she had sexual relations with some other guy .... you know your pregnant, you know having sexual contact with other men poses a risk to you and the baby, a risk of contacting an STD.....so why does she do it? Everyone says shes a hoe.

My sister even told me she used to communicate with some guy from myspace and when we were together, she met up with him and another guy when I used to go to work and obviously did some nasty things with them.

I think that deep in my heart my ex really did love me but maybe some how I wasn't sexually satisfying her. I don't see how that could be? We had sex atleast 4 times every day! And it was pretty much like this from January to end of April or three weeks into April...hell thats 436 instances of sex combined in those months! If that wasn't enough for her, she must have been a freak.....and if it turns out the baby is not mine in the end....then damn..with all that sex going on, she must have been sleeping with a lot of men!

If the DNA results say I'm not the father...I wont even bother talking to her. There ins't even an explanation for that kind of scenario.

I'll just have to wait for November and see what those results say. Many eyes will be watching her, her family, my family and soon the news flows out into the world and out to her friends and this will basically destroy her life for ever because everyone in town knows me, I've worked at a lot of places, know a lot of people, everyone knows we were together at some point and she got pregnant while we were together....if the baby is not mine...I feel sorry for her but everyone will think of her as the biggest slut in town. Nobody will have respect for her, not even her family.

well all i can say is keep getting ur life in order, this way, if the baby is yours (and i think deep down you are pretty sure) then you can take steps to take care of him (it is a boy right). all that should matter is doing right by your son, go get your GED, get any job and start scratching out a living. it may not be luxurious by any standards but you'll have your son. also, go to family court and find out about custody papers and start thinking about a lawyer, most decent ones will have a repayment plan...only do this if u care at all about the baby, if not, start making your way outta her life and stop stalking her because technically u are doing that now, you keep that up and noone will have your son....

You are right, I need to relax and just leave this woman alone. Its not like shes a pot of gold, shes a woman just like any other. I am a man, just like any other man.

I am speculating, stalking and being too rude about my ex. With my recent actions, I am risking not seeing the baby.

Thanks kaylees, just looking forward to getting a job and that GED and forwarding my education. It is not too late for anything.

Eight years from now, I want to be able to support my son and be the best father there is for him. But, if I slack off, eight years from now I could be saying, I wish I had taken that GED and that career I was planning for...I will NOT let this happen.

I'll just post my clock tickers every Sunday from now on. No more stuff about my ex, I have already crossed the line so I need back off and give this woman some space. I wouldn't like her stalking me so, I am not doing it anymore.

Well its Sunday, its time for clock updates and some news on my life =) Oh yes good news.

The good news! I GOT HIRED! Lol, damn...I didn't even get to pick up that unemployment money. I'm suppose to file a claim next Monday but I start work next Monday! So should I go through with it or not?

The new job pays $9.50 for the first 3 months and then $11.50 after. I work 6 days a week with possible 2 hours of overtime each day. Right now, overtime is my friend, I need all the money I can get! Well that is about 20 hours of overtime and at 9.50 overtime goes for 14.25 x 20 = $285.00 + the regular 40 hours a week at 9.50 = $380 so we add those up and I end up with $665 total earnings....of course, its safe bet to say that $120 off taxes will come out of that check so i'm left with about $540 clean for me which is fair enough to get me out of this financial crisis! If this was at $11.50 it would calculate to about $680 a week assuming all that overtime is clocked in....hell I could do a lot with $680 yeah thats were I go wrong, the best I can do is just save the money for baby stuff.

Anyways, I start next week and I should see what that first pay check looks like. I already know the regular is $300 a week but the company sales are sky rocketing and since im 2nd shift, we have a lot more work to finish off so that means lots of over time and I'm dieing to see how much it will be.

Well anyways, enough of that...moving on to the clock tickers now!

Baby Birth --- 107 days
Birthday of the Ex --- 10 days
Hormones --- 30 days

So wow, its been a month already since the break up and here I am still. My ex's birthday is coming up but, do I seem interested? Nope, I am not. I get my first paycheck on August 13th and her birthday falls on the 12th, so no can do and I don't plan on getting her anything. After everything thats happened its not even worth it. When she finds out I didn't get her ANYTHING for her birthday, shes gonna be hurt, I could care less, I wont even call her mom to say happy birthday....she wanted space, well now shes got space, i'm gone for good.

When the Hormones clock reaches 0 days 0 hours, I don't plan on making contact either....that clock is just there for experimentation. What will happen when it reaches 0? I don't know and I could care less as I am definitely not going to accept my ex again.

My feelings for her have been dieing off. In the entire month of July, I was suffering a little from her loss but not much and then I started making a slow transition slowly forgetting her. Now, I feel I can open up to another women should I choose to take that path and there is one possible candidate but shes long distance and I cannot deal with that right now!

Well, thats it for now, See you guys next Sunday. I hope John is doing ok and you too Kaylees, take care guys. fx out.

Hi fx,
Birth - 112 days
Ex-gf bday - 66 days
hormone clock - unsure

well as for mine, she finally talked to me. i put on facebook that i didnt want to be having the kid anymore and it caused her to call me and bitch me out. so i called her back, let her know i was having a rough time of it and just slipped, that i was still excited but it was tough not having the one i wanted to talk about my fears and feelings with. found out she left because i was controlling, or at least cuz i wanted to try to be a family and she didnt...but i figure she'll never want to give that a shot, and thats fine...ill just see my daughter on the weekends and cry uncontrollably when i have to take her back to her moms....anyhow, thats whats going on now....

Birth - 112 days [--- wow, you were right.
Ex-gf bday - 66 days [--- dont have nothiing to say.
hormone clock - unsure [--- lol!

Wow, the part about her not wanting to be a family, that is interesting. Why would she want to have a baby and not think about being a family, a family is the most beautiful thing. DAmn your woman is harsh. And you were controlling, hmmm, that is a bad one...well if you want her back, show her that your willing to change.....did you read those e-books? What did you think of them?

Jesus man, why would you even write that on your facebook? Now shes gonna have doubts.

Well its 12:02 AM, and I have to start work early tomorrow, gotta go be there at 7:30 AM so I must get rest and be ready for what is to come tomorrow.....oh wait, it already is tomorrow, man I better go to bed.

yea i gotta be at work at 830 myself....
the controlling idea was that i was trying to get into a doctoral program and i said to her about when her, me and kaylee would move to MD, she doesnt want to move even though i was trying to better our lives, and i sorta moved into her place and said that when the baby got here i wasnt ever going to be far away and she freaked out....she said by doing that i was trying to control her....