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Feeling Trapped

3 posts on this thread and the last post was on September 16th, 2008 7:24 PM
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ConfusedMT - September 11th, 2008 5:40 AM
 [Original Post]

I recently (3 months/11 weeks) got back with an ex- girtlfriend
We are both in our early 30's (she is 30) and had split up a year ago because I wasn't sure if I wanted Children, we spoke and agreed she would be better off meeting someone that could give her that commitment.
We missed eachother and agreed to get back in touch
Having both been with other people in that year I suggested we used contraception on our first time together again. She was upset as she felt this made her feel like she had done something wrong and said she was on the pill.
She had always been on the pill when we were previously together.
She is now 10 weeks pregnant and explained that she had come off the pill in our year apart but had started to use it the week before we first slept together and the day after her last period.
I have to believe her when she says it is just a accident but I can't help feeling betrayed and I don’t know if I can trust her about other things. I tried to do the right thing and asked her to marry me as soon as I found out ( 5 weeks ago).
But after an early scan last week I have felt sick everyday, I know this isn't something I want and I am starting to resent her.
I won't force her into anything she doesn't want ( abortion) as she went through that 7 years ago with an ex and said it would destroy her - but I could do with some advice.

clindholm - September 11th, 2008 2:40 PM

Normally you have to take the pill for a full cycle in order for it to be effective and backup contraceptive would be advised. I would be surprised if she was not aware of that since she has taken it previously. I can certainly understand your feelings since you made your intentions clear and inquired about birth control before you had sex again. Alot of times after going to an ultrasound a dad will become more comfortable with the idea, evidently this is not the case for you. I really think you should completely level with her about how you're feeling. Did she agree to marry you? I really don't think it's a good idea to get married with all these bad feelings between you. An unhappy marriage will not benefit a child at all. You can be involved and supportive without being married until/unless your feelings change. Your resentment is justified so don't feel guilty -but you have to deal with it for your sake, hers and the baby's. Good luck.


MelissaP - September 13th, 2008 1:53 PM

"doing the right thing"..sometimes isnt the right thing at all! Do not marry this girl because you feel you have to. The marriage will not survive. My husband had married his ex-wife under these similar circumstances and things were hell from the get go.(and she still gives us headaches even though she's remarried and has a family of her own) You will have a responsibility to this child though so you need to prepare yourself for that,

lochness - September 16th, 2008 7:24 PM

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I think she is being completely honest about the situations. Flukes happen and it's no one's fault. Obviously, this baby is meant to be. Now I'm not saying you need to marry her, but you do need to be supportive and in the child's life. A lot of times the dad won't feel any bonding toward the baby until after it is born. So just stick it out until then. Wait patiently to see the miracle you helped create, and then talk with her about the amount of involvement you want to have in this. Come to an agreement. You don't have to marry her, but if you do, I suggest counseling and maybe a parenting class.