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Jessica, I am going through the exact same thing. I had my first baby who weighed in a 6.9 (not very big, I know) and suffered a fourth degree tear. My whole labor process was a nightmare. I went in on a Sat. night at 10:30 because my water broke. I was only 35 wks. Twenty two hours later, after more Pitocin than I could ever imagine, epideral booster after booster, sometimes barely coherant, and not dialating nearly fast enough, the nurses (without the doctor therein the beginning) started me pushing I believe at 9.5 cm dialated, I had my beautiful baby girl with the help of an episiotomy and vaccuum. I don't remember the actual moment she was born because I was so exhausted and passed out. She had the cord wrapped around her neck with a knot in it. She is a miracle baby! The doctor said I would never have another baby vaginally. My husband, his mother,and my mother along with myself were all BEGGING for a c-section. I didn't realize then how bad a fourth degree tear is. The next morning the resident came in a said she felt so bad about what had happened. She didn't check my sutures. The doctor himself never came to check me. He didn't even send me home with pain meds or antibiotics. My husband threatened to call the hospital administrator if I didn't get meds to go home. Eventually, an appalled PA from the doctors office sent me home with meds. Actually increased me from what I was on in the hospital. She said that if I wasn't careful, I could develop a fistula which is a hole between the rectum and vagina. Sure enough, with my first bowel movement stool came through my vagina. I was devestated. Went to my ob and he referred me to a urogyno who told me that there was not only a fistula, but also the inner and outer sphincter mucsles were torn. They are what give you control to hold your bowel movements. He said surgery was needed but I would have to wait about 6 wks. He also referred me to a colon/rectal surgeon. I didn't have the infections you talk about, but I don't have complete control of my bowels and have had accidents. I am not able to go to far from home and if I do, I have to scope on restrooms.I understand about the wiping and wiping. It takes me about a good half hour to get cleaned up, usually with my baby girl crying in the background. I have had an ultrasound to test the muscles and this week have another (very unpleasant) test to check the nerve function. My surgery is scheduled for the week after next. The recovery is long...about a week in the hosp and one months bedrest. The surgery itself only has a 60% chance of working the first time, but I don't see any alternative. As you know, who wants to live like this? I don't mean to scare you at all, and your tear may not be as severe as mine but I wanted to pass on what I know. To me, there is no question about getting the surgery. The tough part about this as I am sure you know, is the toll it takes on you not only physically, but emotionally as well. Thank goodness for wonderful husbands. If you would like to talk more about it or just want to offer eachother support, feel free to email me @ sakfite@aol.com. It would be wonderful to have someone to talk to. Take care and hang in there

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