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Can Anyone Relate?

4 posts on this thread and the last post was on February 23rd, 2009 12:11 AM

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Saffireeyez - February 15th, 2009 3:33 AM

[Original Post]

Here is my story:
I had a M/C in Apr of 07 and then in Nov and Dec of 08. Mid Jan I found out I was pregnant again. Went to Dr and she did HCG and checked my progesterone levels. the first HCG came back as 72, repeat in 48 hours was 224. My Dr. put me on Prometrium, because my prog. is a little low.
On Wed Feb 11th I went to ER after having a small amount of blood and two tiny clots when I wiped. I freaked and rushed to ER where they did an ultrasound and checked my HCG levels. The ultrasound showed me at 5 weeks I had a gestational sac and my HCG was at 2147. I had a repeat HCG drawn on Fri Feb 13th and the level was at 2408. I know the numbers are supposed to double in 48 hours. My doctor told me not to worry and she kept my ultrasound apt for March 4th, "unless something should happen before then." She also told me that there are cases where women have plateau level HCG then all of a sudden it spikes. Originally my question was going to be if anyone has had a level like this and carried to full term.
However there has been a sudden turn of events tonight that has my heart broken. When I went to the bathroom before going to work tonight I wiped and there was more blood, and two dime size clots. I haven't had anything since leaving the hospital, and now I've had blood everytime I wipe. I already know what is going on with my body and it is literally breaking my heart. After work tonight I'm going to the hospital for another HCG level (I have a standing order) but I already know what the results are going to be.
The hardest part for me is that this time I am going to have to go through this all alone. My Fiance was recently deployed to Iraq and my family has never been supportive of me, and they can't stand my Fiance, so if anything they will be relieved yet again. They never really hid thier feelings of relief with my other M/C's.
I have always been a very srong woman I was abused almost my whole life by people I have trusted and loved and I have survived things that would probably have killed some people, by my own definition that has made me a strong woman. I feel myself breaking though.
I've never been a particularly religious person in fact I was raised without religion but I sought it out on my own and found a religion that worked for me and made me feel comfortable. Right now I have lost all of my belief in GOD and I told him as much. I truly feel I have nothing left to live for at this point. And that scares me.
With all I have been through: From being raped at 6 years old, sexually abused from infant to 10 years old, having a boyfriend basically pimp me out to his friends, burned with cigars, locked in closets for almost a week at a time several times, living in my car in the dead of winter, hospitalized for 2 weeks after being severly beaten, drowned by a boyfriend (had to be resuscitated), the list goes on and on and on, through all of that and more I never gave up hope that there was something better for me and that my life was worth living. I no longer feel that way.
Has anyone ever felt like just giving up?

paolan - February 18th, 2009 8:06 PM

Don't give up .
Life is just too precious altough sometimes it sucks too . Be strong . I had bleeding for 9 weeks iin my 2 pregnancy and carried a helthy baby .
I hope all is ok with you

Saffireeyez - February 21st, 2009 2:15 AM

Thank you. I didn't give up and I talked to my dr. about how I was feeling. She had me go back for another HCG which ended up at 3003, we stil weren't sure if that was beacuse I peaked and was headed back down or if it was still rising. On tues the 17th my HCG was at 4450! I am still pregnant! Yeah! I can only hope that I make it all the way this time. My 1st ultrasound is the 4th of march and I can barely contain myself, but at the same time I'm more scared than ever. I've never made it past 6 weeks. I have no idea what to expect next. I will just smile and take what comes though. Life is too precious to dwell on the bad, I have something to live for.

Sonrisa - February 22nd, 2009 10:08 PM

The minute I read your post I said a prayer for you. Faith is the only thing that keeps us going. I have had three miscarriages myself. One three years ago and two since November. Right now I am bleeding because I miscarried and my HCG level was down to 5. So your HCG level looks great to me. Actually with all of my pregnancies I have had very low HCG levels. I did manage to have one healthy boy even with a very low HCG level. He is miracle. You can have a miracle as well. I will keep you in my prayers. I will also say a prayer for your fiance in Iraq. Hang in there. Be positive.

comommy - February 23rd, 2009 12:11 AM

Don't give up!!! Keep your faith, GOD works in funny ways. It really sucks that you have been through so many horrible things in your life, and to top it off, having multiple miscarriages too. I had a m/c in 99, infertility boy in '01 (with a blighted ovum twin who didn't grow past 6 wks), "natural" girl in '03, 1 m/x in ;07, and again in '08 despite 4 years of ttc and infertiltiy treatments. I totally understand loosing your faith or being angry at God, I've been there and still go back to those dark memories. He has a big shoulder so I'm sure he can take it. BUT know that he does things on his time and for his reasons, we may never know why. I just had twin boys (IVF) 2/6/09, bleeding at 10 wks, 14 wks, (placenta was separating from baby A), was on bedrest from 14-21 wks, and from 24-36 1/2 wks with preeclampsia. Now that they are here, I am dealing whorrible post partum depression, gender dissapointment (desparately wanted another girl, got only boys-why)? being overwhelmed w/twins, lack of sleep, trying to get back on my feet despite severe high blood pressure that lingers on and on despite delviery, being a mother again after having to be bedridden for so many months, etc, I'm not complaining, they are true miracles, but wondering why I went through all I did-we can't afford the hospital bitts that are coming in now, etc, lost my job, can't get another right now because to expensive for daycare for twins, but there's a reason they are here too and deep down, I have to remember all that I went through and lost to bring me back to reality, eventhtough the twins' birth makes me long for the losses we had in the past. I am praying your pregnancy sticks this time and is your little miracle too (even though your losses will always be a part of you too;((

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