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please help me out there...I have been married eighteen months and my husband discussed before we married that i would have a child to him..i pushed the subject after marriage and finally at christmas he took himself off and had a vesectomy without me not knowing...i left him and have start divorce proceedings....i feel absoltly devastated...i have lost my husband who i dearly loved and i have lost the fact that i will never have a child to him...He has two children and i miss them because i cannot be around them because he has denyed me a child...sound selfish but its painful watching him around two children of his own....please someone could you pls help me...am thirty nine and feel my life is at an end...

i would not force it one thing you don't want to do is force that responsibillity when he's not ready and undeer stress end up alone with a child

OMG do I know exactly how you feel! I have been with my husband for 10 years and married for 4.5. During this time we have raised his 2 children from his previous marriage. When we got together he was 32 and I was 18. I knew that he didn't want anymore children, and was ok with this because I had no desire to ever have children and was content with just us raising his. This has changed and I can't change it back. I want a baby in the worst way. It is ALL that I can think about. I avoid friends & family when they are pregnant and come up with excuses for missing baby showers and birthday parties. It hurts SO much. We have been going over and over the "baby" issue for several years now. At one point he agreed to have a child with me, but changed his mind before I ever got pregnant. His children are now 20 & 18, and his daughter is still at home, now pregnant. This is so much for me. I resent being around her (which I hate feeling) because of how much I still want a baby. I am now 28 and he is 42. I don't know what to do. I hate the thought of leaving him, but what other choice do I have. I cry all the time, and get so angry at him over it. I just want to be a mommy! I have tried to convince him, but nothing works. He says that if I want a kid, I should leave him, because he will never change his mind. He has never wanted me to make him choose between him & kids, but can't he see that is what he is making me do. It's either have a child of my own or be with him. I can't imagine my life without him. I love him so much, but this is really effecting who I am.

Reading all of these posts has made me realized that I'm not alone in this issue. My husband doesn't want to have children and before we got married, I thought I might be able to handle that. But after 3 years of marriage, being 31 and having the biological clock ringing so loudly, I'm certain that I do want a child. My married friends have all had one or are trying for a baby. Everywhere I look I see babies and I feel that I'm starting to go crazy knowing that he may not agree at all to ever have one. I have talked about it many times with him but I just get excuses after excuses about why we should, like how we're not ready financially, how we're not responsible enough or that I am not responsible enough, or how I am not physically fit enough. I'm also feeling more and more that he's pushing more and more reasons on to me and why I'm basically not good enough to have a baby!
I love my husband, feel that he is the love of my life but am resenting him more and more every time he tells me he doesn't want one or tells me why I'm not yet good enough to have one.
I feel so consumed by the baby issue! I'm also having more and more thoughts about my life alternatives now if he doesn't agree to have a baby within the next year but don't want to go down that path. I really wish my husband is like most other men out there who do want to have a family and see the positive aspects of having children. Anyways, thanks everyone for posting - its nice to know that I'm not the only one out there.

Hi All, it also been a long time since i wrote on this site, but time has made this topic relevant again. My 'old' story was i fell pregnant and my husband wanted me to have an abortion and in fact he put me under so much pressure i had a miscarraige. In any case we split up but have worked through some things in order to stay friends. A few months ago i started seeing someone else. I knew that he has come out of a serious r/ship as well and wasnt looking for a serious commitment but 2 weeks ago i found out i was pregnant (i think im extra fertile at the moment!!?). When i told him he was pretty supportive for someone who i couldnt even say i was in a serious r/ship with. He said he would support me either way. Then a few days later i dared to ask if he was hoping i was going to have an abortion and he said yes and gave me his reasons. I cant deny him his honesty, and understand that he doesnt want to be a father at this point, but of course it felt terrible at the time and again im in this horrible situation. I can also say that i wasnt planning on being a mother, and to someone who i dont even know so well but i also find it almost impossible to imagine aborting the child...but have to admit that it looks like if i go ahead i will have to be on my own. I realise that some people will say do it anyway because maybe this is my opportunity, but maybe it would not be a good idea, for the sake of the child. Its an impossible decision to make but i know i have to do it quickly. All the comments about step parents makes me think, this guy doesnt even want a serious r/ship right now and i cant/dont want to force that on him so does that mean his next girlfriend/future wife has to deal with this too. Thats not what im basing any decision on, but does make me think how complicated it all can get. By the way my ex is being soooo supportive right now...guess that could be guilt?

Hi, Canadian07. I read your post and understand how you feel. My wife was in a similar situation with me some years ago. We are now trying for one and she is 40. Yes you will resent your husband for the remainder of your relationship if you do not get to have a child of your own. The only suggestion I can offer, is to deliver an ultimatum. Tell him you want to start trying for a baby by a set period of time, but no later than 2 years from now. If he doesn't comply, then leave him for someone who will love you enough, to fulfill your desire for a baby. While waiting for this deadline to arrive, work on the issues that he has against it. There is also one other important thing you should do, and that is get a fertility check up. You should first find out if you are even capable of getting pregnant. No point destroying your marriage for nothing. To Ella2B, you are in a difficult situation to say the least. Here you are in position to fulfill your strongest desire, but under unfavorable circumstances. The decision you have to make will need to be done with a logical mind. Don't let your emotions guide you into making a possible long term mistake. Ultimately you have to ask yourself, can I provide the kind of life I want for my child? Early last year I put together a document explaining some of the many reasons that we men are reluctant to have children. If interested in reading it, email me and I will send it to you. rdsutton at cogeco.ca

Dear Oldman,
thanks for your response, and no offense, but at this point i really don't want to hear another reason why men dont want a baby! In fact, i trully understand his reasoning, and the whole scariness about commitment but the fact is, he (we) got me pregnant and assuming an abortion fixes this 'problem' is not fair on me. Especially since it means i live with the decision...when he just lives with his relief. Yes it might be a good idea to have an abortion in this situation, and get on with life...but it is very difficult to decide when his strong opinion seems to be all i can hear. By the way, asking a pregnant woman to think logically, not emotionally?? hmm LOL!

Thanks, oldman, for the suggestions. As for the reasons that men don't want to have children, no offense, but I feel that all reasons lead to 1 thing: men who don't want to have children just don't want to give up the responsibility-free lifestyle. Having and raising a child requires sacrificing many things that one wants for the baby (time, money, energy, etc.). While many men are willing to do that, some, like mine don't want to give up the (what I call "selfish") life. Anyways, I think I'm willing to wait 1 more year and to go through 1 more year of all this waiting, being upset, etc but I really don't know if I can handle much more after that. I feel have a limited time left as I'm 31 and there's only 4 years left before the big 35.
Thank you all for the posts. It has definitely been a source of comfort!

Ella2B...HAVE THIS BABY! This baby was hand picked for you. Even though it was not planned by you or your "kinda" boyfriend don't be too hasty in getting rid of the pregnancy. I looked back at an old entry you made. You were talking about your pregnancy last year that your husband wanted you to abort...you said..."I cried,raged,begged for days for him to understand that i didnt want to have an abortion, even if we weren't working out as a couple." Take your own advice...this baby is going to bring you a lot of joy...relationship or not. This is a gift...TAKE IT! :)

I have had this problem in my relationship too. We have been together for over 10 years and we used to talk about having a baby together but when, one day, I said, 'let's try and have a baby this year,' my partner freaked out. He said he was too afraid. He suffers from depression and is worried about his own ability to be a father and about passing on his genes. I told him that I love him and I chose him so of course, if it turned out our child had depression I would love and cherish them too. Actually, he had a horrible home and family life as a child so I do feel that if I give our child a loving upbringing, the chances of it happening are not particularly greater than anyone else (it's a possibility for anyone in this world, I think). So, he reluctantly agreed and for a while we tried and it was beautiful. He told me that if he agreed he would put his doubts aside and be part of the process whole-heartedly. For a while this was true but then we started having problems and after a few years it was clear that we wouldnt conceive without help. I feel so much for the wife of 'oldman' - it is so hard to be in this situation and really, just compounds the pain and isolation of infertility to know that you are not really sharing the epxerience with your partner. He had a sperm test and has some problems there. Now we are doing IVF and his fears have come back full force. I had the egg collection done and I feel so emotional. We had a fight and he said he never wanted the baby, how he is full of despair and how he can't imagine bringing a life into this world. I'm starting to think I have made a big mistake. I feel so alone and scared. I always thought his loving nature would come to the fore when he had a baby but, to my mind, as we now have two embyos, we have created life. I worry he wont be able to put his fears aside (and self-centeredness too because when his depression kicks in he can't see beyond himself). I have lived with him for 11 years but I think I am getting too tired and empty to continue with it. I just hope so much that, if the embryos take, I was right in thinking he will discover the love and beauty in himself. I am so worried I have put too much strain on his mental health and what have I created for the baby if I have one? Meanwhile I am crying all the time (the hormone injections for the IVF are not helping here!). If the cycle doesnt work, I suppose I wont try again and perhaps will end the relationship. We have been through so much together but I dont think I can sacrifice my life dream of being a mother. I feel so selfish. I'm 36 now and I feel that my time is running out.

Hi Mandalay, Welcome to this forum. Sounds like he is definitely sending you mixed signals. The fact that he has co-operated to the point of doing expensive IVF, shows that he isn't totally against the idea. I also think he doesn't want to sacrifice losing you and all that you have built together and have been through together. Does he want to go through life to have never experienced fatherhood? If he is suffering from depression, there are medications for that. Maybe he is already on them, but not taking them as often as he should, which may account for his erratic behavior. Also don't worry about feeling selfish, because that is what he is doing by making a decision not to have a baby. At age 36, you are not old, but getting there, when it comes to fertility. There is time for you though, as many women are having babies at age 40+ and my wife may be one of them. You need to remain strong on this issue, for this may be your only chance. Remember he gave you his approval by his initial co-operation, just because he is wrestling with doubt now, doesn't mean you should too. He may be just testing your resolve for a child. Here is a bit of interesting information. I asked some of my male friends, who are fathers, what they would do if they found that the women they were in a relationship with didn't want children. Their unanimous response was to leave her and find one that did!! I know leaving a partner is easier said than done, but as many women have sadly learned, it is often the only way. I hope it all works out for you.

Thanks oldman for your response and thanks so much to everyone on the forum. To know I'm not alone makes such a difference and I really appreciate the honest kindness that is on the forum. I've never actually done an internet thing like this before but I really needed someone to talk to and this forum feels very supportive. It's a good point about selfishness. I suppose it is a matter of realising, yes, I am being selfish but that is what following your own heart and desires can mean. And, for sure, he is being selfish too. He does have medication but he doesnt always take it. I know from experience that his depression can make him erratic and fill him with indecision about things. I suppose up 'til now I haven't had to deal with it when I feel so very vulnerable which is why it has knocked me around so much. It takes strength for me to deal with his issues and right now I feel in a place where I need strength from him but it's not there. I guess looking for strength from other people is never a good idea especially from someone who had to be talked into the whole thing! For now, we are doing the ivf and I will find out in a few weeks if it works. If it doesn't I'll have to decide what to do next. I wish all the best for everyone on the forum...

Ok i definitely have to get in on this. I'm 24, hubby is 28. I am a stepmother too. She (my 5 year old stepdaughter) leaves for the summer to be with her mom every year...and since before she left this summer i have had the fever! My husband doesn't want one right now either. Matter of fact we got into the discussion lastnight. The only thing i see really standing in the way is that our house isn't big enough for another one. This is where i feel some selfishness come along from my husband...he doesn't want to give up the office...but really...we have 2 computers (1 laptop + and i'm getting ready to try to sell my desktop for a laptop _freeing up space *wink*) and he is in the ministry and feels the only place for him to study is office (which also componsates for our 3rd bedroom). Ok my question is...we can't really afford a 4 bedroom so does this mean in the next house we can't have a baby be'cos he has to have his sweet office? Granted i use it for a studio too...but i am willing to do it in the front room if i have to. Anyways it's very frustrating...the conversation put me in a bad mood for the rest of the night lastnight...which only led to more fighting. Anyways for the first time it really hit me..."YOU ARE NOT GETTING YOUR WAY ON THIS ONE"...it was really disappointing...and i felt a twinge of tears come along...what do i do??

Wow I wish I found this website a few years ago..
.
I was with my husband of 5 yrs (together for 10) and we agreed early on to have children. We started trying when I was 35, I read all about taking charge of my fertility, etc,. but after 6 mos of him not trying very hard I confronted him about his generally unenthusiastic attitude, after which he freaked out and said he didn't want to have a kid, and he wasn't sure if he wanted to stay married, listed all these problems he had with the marriage I never knew about. Ironically we had been in therapy for a long time which seemed to be going well, but at this point he refused to go back. I became very depressed and confused, had no idea whether or not to leave him, but after a few months he solved the problem because he left me, I think he could not handle the guilt of making me sad. All that to say the guy was not in touch with his feelings. Obviously this was a horrible, horrible experience, but I am glad to not have had a baby with someone who would have been a resentful/immature dad.
A short time afterwards I met a great guy ten years my senior with whom I was extremely compatible. He had a 9 yr old from a previous marriage he sees mostly for long summers and vacations. I was clear about what I wanted in the beginning, and we were in love, and he was ambivalent about the kid thing although I interpreted that to mean he wanted to. After a year of counseling and self-reflection on his part, he told me he didn't want to have another child. (deja vu?) These guys are artists, I am too, these bohemians cause trouble....
The problem was I was very happy with him, 38, did not want to do another break-up, and did I mention I was very happy with him? I've never felt so comfortable with another person in my life, never laughed so much, felt so safe, etc..
So I got all geared up to leave, spent a night elsewhere, looked at apartments, but I just flat out didn't want to go. I felt like I was supposed to leave, this was the strong, feminist thing to do. As is apparent from this site, people have strong feelings on this subject and feel free to give blanket yes no advice. Here is what I learned through this very very difficult experience:

- You are the ONLY ONE who can make this decision. No-one can tell you what to do with your problem. You are the only one who will live your exact life with its particular joys and sorrows, and those joys and sorrows are different for different people. No one knows what your relationship with your partner means to you, why you are in love with this person or not, what it would mean to give them up or to give up having a baby.
- Pay attention to all the pressure around you to have a baby. This pressure is insane. Not only from friends or family, but from TV, politics, dolls you played with as a kid, etc. Our society really points us all in one direction - the happy nuclear family with kids. There is incredible pressure to be a normal woman, which means having a child. We are so conditioned this way our whole lives. In workinng out my own pain on this issue, I noticed that I felt saddest when watching television or looking at magazines with cute kids and happy families, not when I was actually with my friends and their kids, (and certainly not when I was in Target!). The media exploits the ideal of a family in order to SELL something. It was useful to notice that maybe the thing I was grieving most wasn't even real, or at least not the whole picture. (I don't mean to say the desire to have a child isn't 100% legitimate and coming from a person's authentic self- just that it helps to observe the pressure).
- There is no One Right or Wrong answer to your predicament. I think I was so pannicked I could hardly think clearly, but the best thing for me was to realize I was absolutely going to have a full and happy life no matter what happened, my happiness was not going to be dependent on an external circumstance- husband/no husband, baby/no baby. None of these things are guarenteed to even those who have them. And as lame as this may sound, research on happiness actually shows no significant difference between couples with children and couples without children.

So now I'm 39, and have mostly decided to stay with this fellow (we bought a house together in the mountains). I quit my job and can now throw myself into painting and writing and other deep longings I have had in my life that have often been more palpable than the longing to have a child. I am still playing it by ear, can't rule it out completely, don't want to marry him yet. Maybe at 45 I will decide I have to do it and adopt. I alternate between grief, shock, confusion, happiness, feelings of freedom, and sometimes tremendous gratefulness and excitement that I can do some of the other things I have wanted to with my life I thought I'd never do. And that there are certain problems I will never have if I don't have a child, such as "sorry, Nicole, we can't afford the designer jeans," or "Hubby, I can't believe you let him go swimming when his chores were not done."
So to conclude this speech I would say, consider doing the very hard work of looking inside/prayer/counseling/journa
ling/medition/reflection/readin
g
books on the subject, etc. in order to make the best decision you can. I was also helped by reading a few books on the topic of Decision Making in general. Best of luck to all of you through this incredibly difficult stuff.

I have read alot of women who want a mans opinion--okay here's one, and you probably won't like it.

I have just recently gotten married, and before doing so, my wife informed me she probably didn't want kids. Great! I don't either. Now just a few months into this and she all of a sudden has to have a baby. And it's not fair--to either of us. I am ready to either annul the marriage or get divorced. I think it's fine she wants kids--it's her perogative--just as it is mine not to be strong armed or guilted into it.

*Many of you are right--men don't understand. To many of us we can take it or leave it. I get no tingly feeling when I see kids; typically I avoid them. I don't like them. Not all of us want or have the need to have kids. It was no poor upbringing on my parents fault or some hidden psycholgical defect; i just don't like them.

*It's NOT about fear--I'm not scared, i just don't want the hassles and responsibilities of caring for yet another life (other than my own and hers) for the next 18+ years.

*Don't trick someone into it. What could be worse than ruining TWO lives (your husbands and your kid) just because it was something you had to have?

*Ask yourself WHY you want kids. Have you ever done that? Do you have a real answer answer other than"because"? Looking for someone to take care of you when you get old? Or to fill some void in your life? Look at how many people that DIDN'T work for. But yes, i'm sure you're saying that you are "different", right?

Some people want children, others don't. Respect that and act accordingly.

personally isnt this something you should have talked about before getting married. My husband and I both wanted children and now I'm almost 6 weeks! I couldnt imagine neither one of us not wanting to create something so awesome. But I will say Kids are not for everyone and those are the ones that need to stay single or marry someone else that does not want children. Because most people when they marry have some sort of plan of starting a family.