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needless to say, i am in the same boat. I am 30 and I started wanting a baby when I was 27. He kept saying he needs more time. He started postponing one year, then in half year increments, then, as I grew impatient in monthly increments. I still love him and it hurts to think of leaving him. I am not sure I would even have the strenght. So I told him I'm going to a fertility clinic to be inseminated. Of course he got angry and told me I am pushing him. I told him I am not forcing him into anything, if he wants to stay and help me raise MY child, I'd be happy, but of course, I do not expect anything of him. I started taking prenatal vitamins, so he sees I am serious. I subscribed to at least 10 pregnancy magazines (all of them have one free issue, i am not paying...), I bought the "what to expect when you're expecting" book. I even got in touch with a fertility clinic, I hope they will call, not e-mail, so he can hear when he checks the answering machine. I have to wait now, see if he has any reaction to all this. I will even tell my friends that I decided I am ready to get pregnant (all true here). Hopefully, some of them will congratulate him too :). This is my plan for now, I don't know what I'll do if it doesn't work. I am ready to raise my child alone, so who knows, maybe I'll go to counseling to get some sense as if i am ready for the "daddy in the cup". it is really comforting to see other people that go through this too. I am not crazy after all :)

mariutza, i think you're going a bit overboard on this. what you're doing is scaring him out of the idea of it and you can't muscle him into giving up his sperm for you. i think you should try counseling before doing it all yourself and giving up on him. a lot of guys are just scared of the lifelong commitment to children. no, you're not crazy, but you are being a bit pushy.

Mariutza, you might also find that it's not nearly as easy (or as anonymous) as it used to be to use donor sperm in most countries.

I just have something to say, I was in a situation like this, but a bit different, my hubby did not want to try again only because we have had 3 m/c in the past before we got tested for any abnormalities in cromosonal way, but we finally tried again this yr and we almost got divorce last december 06, it was my worst yr, we even sleep in the same room we did not have sex nothing it was like we weren't even together... I got counseling and it helped he never went but I let him know what the therapist would tell me, so in feb 07 he decided to get tested, we did this because we did not have a answer why we m/c before the 3 months into a pregnancy... I would never want any one to go through what I did... I cant describe the feeling but it does leave a emptyness inside that it would never be full... his test and mine came back so perfect that we did not have anything and we were able to get prego and have a child... so after we got out test it became more harder on us because we though we were doing things wrong and we were blamming each other... we over past that but after couple months we talk and he said we are going to try again, I was so happy when I heard him say "lets try" :) this was in 05/07 ok so he put it off til august, then in august he said november... and it came around again that we just started with problems again, we were back to the same thing getting mad, talking back to each other, and it was awfull to be in this situation... but finally I told him are you willing to lose evrything over this... what do you have to lose, we can try again and see what happens or be with the guilt forever and not find out what would of happen if we did try and just this time we did had a baby... would you like to see me in another relationship and have a baby with some one else, that baby that could of been yours... I told him if he wanted me to be someone else... My husband said NO his reaction of realy loosing me got him to think straight, he said his fear of loosing another and for me to go through the same thing he could just not see me like that anymore.. I told him dont worry about me and just let it BE if it happens it happens if it doesn't it doesn't... I still dont have an answer to why this has happen in the past... but now I really dont even want to know, sometimes mother nature does not have answer for you and you have to accept it, and GOD puts things in your way to over come them as challengas in life, I believe GOD would never put something in your road if you CANT take it... we have stated to try again this month, we are starting fresh this yr... and im keeping my finger cross because I might be prego already... with this I tell you all ladies to dont give up, keep trying because another man like this might not come your way... and our men might have fear in them that if we push them, they will rather lose a person than to show his true feeling, remember a man was raise to be macho and to not cry and to be the head of the family and to be strong nomatter what... all this I know because my husband has told me, and now I understand why they act the way they do... use reverse physcology give in and when you least expected they wont notiece and you might be prego already... men are also like kids the more you tell them dont do this they do it more because they cant have some one else tell them they are wrong and your right... I hope this helps... Ill keep all of you ladies in a prayer... GOD BLESS

thank you for all the advice you gave me. I do not want to push him, but I can't wait either. We were both very angry this past week, we both screamed, threatened, cried. Then last night things started to calm down a bit. I asked him the same thing, are you ready to lose me over this? he said he can't imagine life without me, but can't imagine having kids at this point either. He kept saying that at some point he might, but this is not good enough for me now. Not after waiting 3 years. I don't think he understands how much I waited all this time, he keeps telling me I am being unreasonable, so what if we postpone half a year ( it became a half a year from a month or two...). Anyway, he promised he'll move out of the house in a week or two. I can't really believe him, so I am looking for a place for myself also. And you are right, duchess of new town...it's not that easy to have a kid by yourself. They're questioning everything about you, and these places are sooooo busy. I got my first appointment on March, but I am not sure I will even be in the same city at that time (i'm applying for a new job). Anyway, I am sad, not only I will not have the baby I thought I will have soon, I realized my husband does not share the same dreams as I do.

Question: I feel somewhat guilty posting here, as I already have two wonderful kids (4.5 and 2.5). I know many here are desperate to have their first, and I feel for you. That said, I long for another baby. I can't explain it -- I just feel in my heart that I'm meant to have one more. My husband gives me a list of reasons why he's against it -- it's expensive, we have two healthy kids, we're getting older (I'm 39), I have some health issues that could complicate things, etc. Also, his parents both died a few years ago, in their 60's, and he has a lot of cancer in his family, so he's afraid that he'll die when the kids are little. Also, he confesses that, although he feels selfish, he's really looking forward to having some down time when my youngest starts school in the fall. He's a stay at home dad, so I feel like I should give him veto power, but I just ache for one more baby! Last year I had a brain tumor and almost died from the surgery. But it was a strangely life affirming experience, and I feel like I am destined to have one more child. I can't stop thinking about it. What do I do??? Thanks everyone, and I wish you all the blessings of a child, if that is what you want.

i am glad i found this site i wish i had found it a year ago started reading the messages at 3am just finished i have two sons aged 14 and 18 i am 35 and my husband is 40 i've wanted a baby for 6 years but decided last year in febuary i couldn't wait no longer so had my coil took out stopped smoking and came off medication for an illness i have got my husband turned round and said he didn't want anymore children after arguing so many times he said later. this last year as been hell he keeps putting it off trying for another one making excuse after excuse every month i think am i pregnant but i am not relatives have had there babies now my sister is trying for a baby she knows i want a baby but she keeps on about her plans so i have started avioding her my husband knows how much this means to me and how much it is hurting me but just watches me get upset i cry every day this last year there seems to be one problem after the other not sure what to do

I AM SO GLAD I FOUND THIS WEBSITE. I am going through the same problem as all of you but I don't have any kids. I just turned 30 and my clock has started ticking. My husband is 38 and has a 19 year old daughter. Before we got married he said that he may want to have kids someday but not any time soon and I understood and never brought the topic back up. When we got married I said to him...maybe in two more years we can start trying for a baby and he said "Yeah, sure" and that was the end of that conversation. Well, we have been together for 6 years, married 4 years and now he finds any excuse imaginable. First, I had to quit smoking and I did 3 years ago. Mind you, I got really sick but a year later I was back to normal but I gained 102 pounds because of all the steroid medication I was taking. I cut the meds down and have already lost 40 of those 102 and now he says I need to get back to the weight I was when we got married 4 years ago. Then, it was that he didn't have a stable job, I understood and I waited, he is still working on that, by the way. I HAVE A STABLE JOB THOUGH. I've tried to get him to go to counseling but he refuses to go saying it's a waste of money and time. Three months ago, I brought up baby again and he said: "Well, I have a kid already"......such a selfish answer. I haven't brought up baby again and now I'm just starting to resent him. I'm not getting any younger and neither is he. I just don't know how else to try to fix this and I'm not going to force him into getting me pregnant or be sneaky about it because it would not be fair to that baby.

I'm starting to think that maybe its time for me to move on and try to find someone who wants to start a family...but then I think...what if the next guy does the same thing my husband is doing? I'm soo depressed because of this, everyone around me seems to BE PREGNANT which is driving me insane. I'm getting to the point that every time we make love I want him to use protection (I know he hates it). I mean, we barely talk now, I have found an online chat room for women and men with our same or similar situation and now I don't even bring up baby AT ALL and it doesn't bother him at all that I'm suffering so much. ANY ADVICE will be eternally appreciated. Thank you for taking the time to read this!

To Slasher,
Your marriage is doomed. He is very against having a baby, and will continue to throw out one excuse after another, until you give up. He may love you, but not enough to give into your wish. It wasn't fair of him to lead you into marriage, with the suggestion that he may want children, and then change his mind. His daughter is now 19, which means he is no longer tied down by the responsibilities of raising her, and he is probably enjoying the freedom. If he reaches 40 years of age, and this matter is still unresolved, he will be even more against it, because he will use his age as an excuse, saying he is too old to start raising another child. Other people in his life may be influencing his decision, such as his daughter? They could be giving him discouraging feedback about having a baby. It was wise to quit smoking and lose weight. Doing those things will help, when it is time to try for a baby. Losing weight will also help get you prepared for dating again, if you take that route. You are only 30 years old, so you have lots of time to meet someone else and have a baby. Your story sounds so similar to ours, see earlier postings, but I eventually gave in to my wife's wishes and have been trying. Good Luck

Hi Slasher,
I am so sorry so many of us have to go through this. If you see my previous postings I am in a similar boat. It doesn't get any better or any easier with him by your side. I tried to push my husband into having kids, to threaten him with divorce. Then I was sweet, tried to compromise, to show him how much I love him and that I want the baby for us not for me. Nothing worked. All our friends know about our problem now, we created a whole circus around us. We live in the same apartment but sleep in different beds. He keeps promising he's moving out but he doesn't do it. For us there is no chance anymore, to have kids or to to get back together. I know it sounds wrong, but if I were to start over again I would probably trick him and get pregnant. I'd love to have a child in my life right now, with or without him and I know I 'd be a good mother for my baby. I lost him anyway and I don't have the baby either. If you think he'd be a bad father to your baby and you don't want to take responsibility by yourself, don't do it. If you think it's mostly stubbornness and fear, I'd say get pregnant. Not all of us have this option...

To OLDMAN and MARIUTZA. Thank you so much for your kind words. Oldman: I know what I have to do,I've just been afraid to do it because I love him so much but I truly want to be a mother so now I'm preparing myself to let him know I'm moving on, I just have to work up the courage to tell him. Mariutza: I'm so sorry you and many others out there are going through the same thing as me. It is frustrating and I'm just sick and tired of being depressed, sad and empty. If he doesn't understand at this point then what can i do, I'm sure not going to trick him into having a baby, I want him to want one and at this point, I'm just giving up. Hopefully I will find someone in the future who truly wants children. Again, thank you both for your input and good luck.

I just came upon this forum. Here's my story: I am 38, hubby is 41. We have been married 17 years. We have two wonderful kids, aged 15 and 16. Our 15 year old is autistic. My 16 year old will be a senior next year. After my son's diagnosis at age 2 1/2, my husband got a vasectomy. I am a stay at home mom and he and I both like me being home for the kids when they get home from school. Everything went fine until two years ago when I started really wanting a baby. I broached the subject with him at the time I started feeling this way and he basically said No way. I kind of dropped it because I was still figuring out WHY I wanted another baby - was it because my sis in law was pregnant? was it because my kids were getting older and would leave? or worse yet - was I afraid after my kids left home would my hubby and I would not have anything in common? I searched my heart for these answers and prayed daily for guidance. A few months ago I asked him to please give me rational reasons why he did not want another baby. He did not respond that day, but the next morning told me he had "opened up a conversation with God" about the subject. I was elated. For him to give me a glimmer of hope was so unexpected. I immediately became scared, questioning my motives once again, asking for signs, for guidance, for discernment. I still wanted a baby...even though I know my life would be soo much easier without one...the desire to have a baby is still overwhelming. A few weeks ago, I asked him how the talks with God were going, he said that just that day he was thinking about adoption. But he would want to adopt a baby, not an older child. I did research - cursory I admit - and found the adoption process can be daunting to say the least, not to mention expensive. Something still also told me I wanted my own baby - his baby. Last night I emailed him and laid out the research I had done on adoption and the research about vasectomy reversal and told him I still wanted a baby and aske him to his heart. I emailed this because although he and I can talk about anything, this is such an emotionally charged topic for me, I know that I would not be able to lay out my ideas succinctly enough to make sense. Also, if he feels cornered in any way, his arguments become irrational and I start doubting my own ideas (doublethink anyone?) I left for a while yesterday and ran into a friend right before I came home who told me "Your husband emailed me about adoption". This friend had adopted an 8 year old a few months ago. Her adoption was far different than anything my husband had talked about in our short adoption conversation. When I got home I mentioned that I had run into her, and told him I wanted our own baby. He said that is not going to happen. I was crushed and said, then you are unilaterally making a decision for the both of us. I asked if we could talk about it, give the pros and cons (I still had plenty of cons), but he said "You're not getting a baby - deal with it" and "Maybe you need to get a job so you have something to think about." Needless to say, a nice loud fight ensued with neither hearing one word the other said, and our kids hearing everything. Today I cannot stop crying and I am wondering if I got the sign I was looking for - to not have another child. I still want one so bad, though. My mom had told me that the only thing she regrets in her life is not having another child. I do not want to wake up years from now and hate my husband for depriving me. Thanks for listening. Writing it out is cathartic.

I am in the same situation. I just turned 41 and my husband will be 44 in June. Neither of us have children and I have never been pregnant. We have been married for five years and do not regularly use birth control. Occasionally he will use a condom for "performance purposes" though. I have gone through some fertility tests and there doesn't seem to be anything "wrong" with me. However, his test results showed a low count so my doctor suggested that he should go see a urologist. Almost two years have gone by since the doctor told me that and my husband still hasn't gone to the doctor. He has mentioned that he would prefer that we have our own child rather than adopt but I feel that since he is procrastinating on this, he really doesn't want to have a child. Due to my age, I also feel that I am running out of time. He also feels that we are too financially strapped right now to even consider bringing a child into our family. I can understand that but it doesn't change the fact that I want a child. I even told him that if we foster a child and then adopt him or her later on, the state would actually pay some expenses for that child. I have also been told by a friend who is adopting two little girls that an adoption in the state has no cost. I know that my husband and I really need to talk about this because I don't want to be having this same discussion ten years from now. Any advice from anyone who can even vaguely relate to my situation? I know I am one in a million since I am over 40 and don't have kids but maybe there is someone out there who can relate.

Hi, I'm 23, and my husband is 51. I want to have a baby, but he doesn't. He said we can't afford it, and it's not in his priorities right now. I want the baby to have a father figure when he/she grows up. I don't want my husband to be too old to be a dad. I had a miscarriage last year, and it really scared him. What should I do? Should I give him more time or should I find somebody else who has the same priorities like I do? Please advise!

to mbarber-i would say that you should consider finding someone else if your husband makes an excuse again because he is that much older than you he could have difficulty in the bedroom in a few years time i am not saying that he is too old but i know that men can have erection/ejaculation problems when they get older.you on the other hand are at your most fertile age so you should be ok for a long time yet its just whether you want to wait and see if you husband will come round.can i ask did you discuss having children before you got maried?

I'm back on the forum and unfortunately, it will soon be a year since I last posted to. I decided last June that I will give it 1 year for him to come around since I am getting older and am approaching 32. There's only a few months left until the 1 year mark and I'm scared. I'm scared because I know I want to have a child and if he still doesn't, I will have to do what 'Why??' did. And to 'Why??', you are so brave. I hope that I will have as much courage as you (if he continues to not want to have a child by this summer) to leave a hopeless situation to begin a new but unknown future.