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What a relief to know that I am not alone in this experience. So many of the stories, conversations, emotions and struggles that you have all shared resonate with what I'm also going through. I'm 35 and have been married for 4 years. My husband said that he would be willing to have one child with me when we discussed children before we got married, and each time we talked about it since being married he says lets wait. We waited a year, and talked again, still he said he wasnt' ready. We waited another year and the same story. I no longer trust when he gives me a date of when we can start trying, because when the time comes around he changes his mind. He said he is concerned about so many factors of parenting, which are all valid and very practical. And I'd be happy to talk about the logistics of how to work out the details, but we haven't even passed first base of agreeing to start trying to have a baby. Other than this issue, we are very happy together, like best friends, can talk about anything and always work out our conflicts even when they are very difficult. This one hasn't resolved yet and I'm sad, worried that it may end up resolving in his favor of being childless. Of course I would not want to bring a child into the world if both of us are not fully ready and willing to give the attention and work of parenting (as I believe it's the hardest job anyone ever has). Though it's also the greatest opportunity to give, create a life out of the love between 2 people and nurture another human being with the wisdom and experience we have gained so far. My heart aches, and I go through cyclical periods of feeling the sadness (crying, feeling alone because none of my friends are going through this or have ever gone through this).
Also, my husband is 43, about to be 44 and I've recently learned that men over 40 have a highter chance of parenting a child with autism. Yet we are both very healthy and youthful and would most likely have a healthy, intelligent and sensitive child.
I can't imagine my life with out him, yet I wonder if I want to experience parenthood if I will end up needing to or wishing I had moved on to find a man who Does want to have a baby with me. The question is, would I find someone else that I love and admire and would want to have a baby with....not just any guy would do.
And from a spiritual stand point, there are many factors to consider also from being spiritually compatible with our partner, to being able to still have solitude and time to meditate if we have a child. We are both very deeply commited to our spiritual development through meditation, and raising a child requires enormous time, energy, and often means having little or no time for oneself for a period of time. How long do you think this phase of parenting lasts? 5 years? 10 years?
I would want to teach my child the peaceful, balancing wonderful quality of growing up meditating and understanding the beauty of developing our inner life as well as our outer relationships. I think it's possible to contribute towards a new paradigm of raising spiritually awake, emotionally intelligent children by teaching them acceptance of all religions, love for all humanity, inner focus and meditation, service and the ability to have a quiet mind. Maybe humanity would begin to treat one another more respectfully and kindly if we could grow up with more of a spiritual openmindedness and commitment to love for all humanity.
This is what I would love to share with a child. But it may or may not be in the cards for me. And suffering is a part of life,, we just all experience it in different ways....it's part of what opens our hearts and allows us to develop empathy for our fellows.
I found a book called "A Womans Book of Life" which is so wonderful. Anyone also struggling with this part of being a woman, deciding to have a child or not being able to for various reasons, would probably appreciate this book.

Wishing you each love, kindness and support as you walk through this experience.

Peace

There are so many posts here that I wonder if the friends I have who are having babies went through a similar crisis as well. Maybe their husbands were ready, or they were better at communicating or tactics than I seem to be in this life!

I was in a relationship for over 9 years, where my bf and I made an agreement not to marry because we didn't want children. It's a little medieval, but seemed sensible. Well...my now ex-bf and I split up when I was 31, and I (who had been strongly opposed to have a child with him), with great anguish and shock suddenly realized that I badly wanted a child. I remember looking at the adoption process, surfing sperm banks, wondering if I should just find a hapless donor. I remember promising myself that by 35 I would have a baby, even if it meant being a single mom.

I'm now 35, married as of last year to a man that I'm fantastically in love with. Before he proposed I was already tormented by the desire to have a baby with him- which I told him (and he still married me). It's only gotten worse over the past year. My husband is 33, doesn't want to adopt, and has said that in a couple years he might want a child. Does anyone ever REALLY feel ready though, honestly?? I want a baby with every fibre of my being, but don't feel ready for all the ways it will change my life (I just accept that it will be more shock, more surprise). It's very hard for me to indicate the depth of this desire to my husband, but I make an effort to let him know what I'm struggling with. It's as intense as a love affair...the longing for a child. Not just the fantasy aspects, but the unrealized dull bits (I daydream about morning sickness, sore nipples, a crying baby).

If we were considering adoption, at least the biological timeline wouldn't be a stressor. I would like to have more than one child, but even talking about having 1 is a challenge since for us (so I don't push it).

For a couple that used to have phenomenal sex, I now collapse weeping because it fills me with loss... There's a sense of rejection, but also a fundamental disconnect that sex isn't going to bridge. At the point when we should be most connected I feel most apart and indescribably sad.

I can't bring myself to give him ultimatums or coerce him. He would freeze or be as depressed as I am. I can't tell him I have thoughts of visiting a sperm bank, or far worse, I suppose. I never want him to see himself as just a donor... or me as that desperate. And yet, I am 35, miserable, and so in love with him it hurts.

I keep asking myself how long I can do this, and when I will be forced to make a decision which may ultimately jeopardize our marriage.

It is a comfort to see all of these wonderful posts and know I am not alone. Thank you all for sharing something that is so painful and so close to you.

Hi,

First of all smurphy thanks for your advice ! Thanks for reading my post. My husband and I have been talking for a couple of months now and it is extremely clear that he will never allow me to have a baby with him, in the first instance he cant have babies anymore and at 65 just wants a quiet life, as I mentioned in my first post we have only been married 3 months and he feels tricked by me into marrying him because i wanted that too more than him, he said I should have been honest from the start about wanting babies but i just wasnt sure but now it has hit me like a hammer that i absolutely want to be a mum one day I would be devastated if the chance passed me by, I think i will have to leave me husband I feel totally to blame for this mess and after i leave him I will be single all over again... Yuk why is life so hard....

I am sorry to hear that all of you are going through this horrible experience. I am also struggling with the same thing. My husband and I both discussed many topics including having a baby before getting married and he said that he wanted to have more children too (he has 1 child from a previous relationship who lives with us). We started the fertility treatment last fall (I have unovulatory cycles). Everything from the tests to the appointments were going well until we were one step away from artificial insemination. All of a sudden my husband got cold feet. He said that he wasn't ready to have a baby. What was that all about? After all that we went through..... you just don't do that to the person you love. I feel that he not only lied to me but hurt me in the most deceitful way. I am going to get individual counseling for me and we are also going to see a marriage counselor. Like many of you, my dream is to have a baby. I think we deserve it and our husbands need to get over their fears.

My heart goes out to each of you, you are not alone. My husband, I thought, had started to warm up to the possibility a month ago after he witnessed my deep feelings of grief over possibly losing the opportunity to be a mother because of his unwillingness to ttc. He said he felt more open because he felt himself healing emotionally to the point where he felt he wouldn't pass on the pain he experienced growing up from his father. But after a month of me getting all excited, talking so much about babies, and thinking maybe I was pregnant because of taking an antibiotic with my bcp...turns out I'm not and he is soooo relieved. He now says that he does not feel ready, does not want to plan for a child because they are too much work, too much time, too much money etc etc.
He is my best friend, soul mate. Yet I'll be 36 this year and I can't wait any longer. He said he feels hurt and scared that I would put my desire for a child before my love for him, and that he doesn't understand how a desire can come before a relationship. And I say how can he expect me to give up one of the most important experiences of my whole life because he changed his mind after we got married? I am so scared that this could end up damaging or ending a wonderful marriage. And there is no guarantee that I would find someone else who I would love admire and want to have children with. I'm having to face the possibility of choosing my marriage over my deep longing to have a child (which is something I have fantasized about since I was a teenager). I don't know what to do. He say's I'm too romantic about the whole pregnancy/baby/child subject and not grounded in the raw realities of what it takes, all the sacrifice and suffering involved in being a parent. But why avoid something wonderful just because it is difficult? What do we do about our deep longing? Do we put it ahead of our relationship or choose to let go of the urgent desire and accept the loss?

So, what are you guys going to do? I read posts on here but don't know what outcomes actually happen. I'm in the same boat as you all. And feel so lost. Do I stay or do I go?
People that have posted on here--what happened? Did your dh come around? Did you leave your dh? What worked and what didn't??

I know exactly how you ladies feel... i am 28 yrs old and have been married for 3 yrs. About a month ago my husband and i have actually agreed to start trying for a baby. As you can imagine i was beside myself with excitement! But that excitement was shortlived. Whenever i start talking about having a baby and how happy i am about it and that i cant wait for us to become parents he brushes it off and doesnt appear to be very interested in what i have to say. We have also only had sex twice in the past month. I have even tried buying us sex books to make things more exciting but he just glanced at the book and now its collecting dust in the back of my wardrobe.It makes me
sad,frustrated,angry,lonely and depressed. I really want a baby.

Hopeful- I totally hear ya! My situation is a little different. My dh and I were actually pregnant about 5 mos. ago. My pregnancy was ectopic and I lost the baby. So when we were finally able to try again my husband had a huge breakdown and decides he doesn't want to have a baby anymore!
We have been dealing with this for about 6 weeks now. He doesn't seem to be budging. And to add to that we are fighting about everything. We started counceling and its not helping. I feel like the councelor is just giving my dh more fuel for the fire.
I hate this whole situation. So, now I don't know what to do. Is it over? I really feel like that's what I am leaning towards. It feels so scary to say that!

Interesting read check it out. An aticle in the Globe and mail titled "Your wife pulled the goalie, and now she's pregnant? That's offside" by David Eddie
I can't post a link here, so you will have to search for it, but it can be found on David Eddie's website under articles.

juney- i'm not sure anyone ever feels ready for a baby. i mean, you want one, sure. but if everyone waited until they were really ready...financially, physically and emotionally...i think the world's population would have dwindled long ago.

i hate to post on this topic, because i'm lucky enough to have an understanding and pro-child husband. i actually feel guilty for having my boys after reading your stories. :( i just was reading through and my heart goes out to each and every one of you.

i hope your so's come around or that you make the hard choice of deciding between giving up your dream of motherhood or giving up who you thought was the love of your life.

the best i can say is, if they're open to it, try counseling. sometimes it works. find out what the real reason behind them not wanting children is. maybe they're afraid you won't love them as much. maybe they're afraid of change. maybe-understandably-they're simply afraid they won't be able to do it. it's a very hard and exhausting job. maybe they think they'll be a bad father. once you find out what the real problem is, maybe it can increase your chances of getting what you want.

i wish everyone all the luck in the world. babies are such a blessing. i hope it works out for all of you. :)

From the other side...
My fiance and I have been together for nearly 5 years. Throughout this time, she's been bringing up baby talk and how much she wants a baby and I've brushed it off to the back burner, since it wouldn't be until after marriage anyhow. I've also left more than subtle hints that I was not 100% on having kids right away, for many of the same fears expressed here in prior posts (fear of failure, finances, time, freedom). I always felt like I was being coerced into wanting kids right away. This pushed me away and a lot more of my sarcasm about kids was spoken. This took place for a few years and tonight she exploded on me and only now am I realizing the immense desire some women seem to feel about having children and how much I must have hurt my fiance. I do want a family someday, I truly do. Women are very emotional creatures. Men are logical creatures. We both could use lessons on being in each others shoes. Men are selfish in wanting their time and freedom more than the desires of their women. Women are selfish wanting their desires to have a baby over their men. The best solution is communication. Women: I know it's hard but you will get a lot more from us men if you try your best to speak calmly and logically. Explain your reasons why you want a baby at a time when you are both in an upbeat mood. Validate the guy's feelings too. Try to see things from his point of view as well. Unless an argument involves something immoral or unethical than chances are no one is "right". There may be more room for compromise than you think. Tone it down a bit too. If a guy is not on board with having a kid there might be good reasons. It hurts a guy when his SO doesn't at least try to understand his point of view in the same way it hurts a woman.
Disclaimer: Some guys are terrible jerks through and through. Suggesting an abortion, verbal, emotional or any other type of abuse, or witholding sex are all pretty clear signs you have one. Get counseling yesterday.

I don't claim to have the answers. I'm still very new at this. We're to be wed in June. She wants kids in the first year or two, I said I was thinking 3 or 4 years and it was alllll downhill from there.
I made a huge mistake by letting my fears dictate my words and actions about not wanting a kid right away seem like I didn't want kids at all. I have lots of cleanup work to do. Hopefully she'll be there to work with me.

Not sure if this thread is still going but I just wondered whether anyone had any updates since their last posts? I'm also in a similar situation and have been following this thread with interest - all 23 pages of it!
I thought that was a very heartfelt post btw theotherside and it really helps to have a man's perspective.

is this thread working...

...sorry technical hitch!

hii, im 22 and i have the same problem .my husband is not ready for a baby .actually we follow the safe period method for sex instead of condoms. i was so eager to have a baby that i lied to my husband about my period dates and we had sex during the most fertile stage , but now though i have a chance to become pregnant.. i feel really guilty for wat i have done .im afraid , if he finds out wat i did.. my married life would go to drains ... pls suggest me wat i should do now as i have got a very loving husband ....i dont want to spoil our relation

I think you're right, you're risking your relationship by doing that. It's not fair to decide for the both of you!