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I think you're right, you're risking your relationship by doing that. It's not fair to decide for the both of you!

Hey,

Im the same, although im in a lesbian realtionship. My partner is a few years older then i am, and she pretty much dosent want children. Although she keeps telling me shes "getting older", she makes no effort to be intrested in a baby. When ever i am watching home n health on foxtel she says "im leaving the room", she just wants nothing to do wth it. But whenever we see friends babys or someones pregnant, shes like i cant wait to have children. I keep telling her lets have one then, lets get into it and dedicate ourselves to making this happen, but she says we dont have enough money. but seriously who ever does.??? And then again, she makes no effort to save any money. She spends it all on smokes and stuff. Because that seems more "important". This makes me so upset, because i do not want to believe that we will never have kids. But its looking that way right ? her sister is 2 years older then her and has a child n another on the way. What do i do, can someone please help me. Do i give up, but then.. having a baby is important to me.

Lesbibaby0
I feel for you on this....it sounds as if your priorities are not aligned. What I worry about is that you will give up your dream to be a mother and remain resentful to your partner for not "giving in" and giving you what you need as a woman......and that is a BIG sacrifice to give up... I hope you find your answer. Perhaps seeing a counselor that can offer an alternative perspective to your relationship would be helpful.

Hi,

I hate to admit this, but I am relieved to see there is such a large community grappling with the same challenge I have happening in my life.

I met my husband back in 2002. We fell madly in love and were married in 2005. We agreed our professional careers and "seeing the world" would take place first, then a family. Well, I am almost 29 years old and he is 32 years old. He has changed his mind. He no longer wants children. I bring it up often; as my clock is ticking. I feel resentful to him for changing his mind yet at the same time, do NOT want him to be a father if that is not what he wants. He told me last weekend, " the final answer is NO".
I am an elementary school counselor- every day i work with children. Children are my life and inspire me everyday. It kills me to walk into work and see these faces and think I could never be a mother to one.
In addition, I work during the day and he has always worked 2nd shift at his job. I've even asked him if he'd be willing then, if we don't have children to switch to a different shift so that I can be with him at night. He declined.
I am baffled, hurt, feel like I am already grieving the loss of the one thing I was sure about ( my marriage) . I always vowed NEVER to divorce- my parents had a painful one. I feel like I would let everyone in my family down..and most of all,I feel like a failure. I am so scarred. Ugh, what an icky thing to be faced with.

Any thoughts? Any words of wisdom would be helpful.
Thank you.

Hey,

I know,

Same position, although. I have really been thinking about it latley. I have decided to agree with florricia, and think about this outside the aquare. I have to live my life first, and its just a hormonal thing, i mean yeah im going to have children, but not this year or next. I need to live and be a 18 yr old. I need to get a stable job, study and have a career. ANd get serious about my life. So does my partner. But thats one of the things that is going to be telling me, and my partner weather or not we SHOULD be even having children. If things like having money, and being responsible are not even possible then how could to reailty of bring a child into the world be??. Although it would be heartbreaking to me. I would not put that on myself or a baby EVER. I have been there with my family, and not having alot. And its not nice. But although this subject gets me down everyday, i keep on telling myself tht it will happen and if its ment to be then its ment to be. And if it happens it will happen, until i get to 25 or so, go with the flow, and then start worrying about it. its not going to happen if i keep worring about it right???.

My best friend in the whole was with girls for years and years with a guy here and there just because she felt like it and she always said she didn't want kids, Well she hitch hiked 25 states got prego and came home now she has twin girls who are amzing and she wouldn't take it back for anything. Point being we all want to be mothers no matter what sex we like. I wish luck to you but be careful I've seen her in some very bad places and I've seen how hard dating another women is and when there are little hearts to think of too its even harder so make sure you find the right women maybe one who already has a kid if your lasy isn't into having one yes your only 18 so was my bestest and everything has worked out great so more power to you!

Hey,

Im so happy,

My partner and i have finally started looking at sperm donors. To me thats a big step. We have been talking, and i was recently posting on how my lesbian partner didnt want to even know about a baby. But now, We were talking last night, and we both decided on sometime next year. How good is that. I feel like something is happening thats good now. It makes me feel so much more closer to my partner, and there is this different kind of feeling there. I really love her with all of my heart, and i will be with her for the rest of my life. I am just so happy about it. Thought id share with you all.

Jess

My partner and i have finally decided to have a child. We are currently talking to sperm donors, and are taking this big step for us. Im so happy, i really love her so much, and i will be with her for the rest of my life. We discussed that we would be looking at concieving sometime next year, and it has made me so much happier. I feel like i have a different kind of connection with my patner. I am just so happy i thought i would share with all of you.

Jess

This is my first time typing my dilemma online to share with others. I suppose I never have for fear of mean criticisms I may be too sensitive to receive/accept. My husband(47) and I(34) have been together for 4 years and of those 4yrs married for 2. We have both had previous failed marriages and I have a son(14) and he has 2 sons (21 & 23). His 21 yr old is married and his wife is now pregnant. I married my husband knowing that he did not want any kids and that he had a vasectomy back when we were dating. I too have told him how much I wanted to have a child with him and I love him and will deal with it. But I have been struggling with dealing with it every month. 2 weeks out of each month I go through huge desires, praying, hoping for a miracle, having the greatest maternal instincts and needs. And then when my cycle comes along, I get so upset, disappointed, and then angry, and in denial and then depressed. It's a vicious cycle. Every so often I can't deal with it anymore (approx 5months, we talk about it and it never really gets resolved. He reminds me that he made it clear that he never wanted anymore kids and that I have failed on my end keeping up with my promise to get over with it. The last conversion we had he said that he cheated on his first wife after the birth of each of his 2 sons and that perhaps he needs to go for counseling to get that negative feeling out. He never did. Yesterday, my husband calls me to tell me his son and his new wife are pregnant. It just tore me up and broke my heart. I couldn't even stay on the phone anymore I had to go. I cried, I trmbled, I threwup.... I felt like God's joke; I've been praying for my husband to change his mind, to get pregnant and have a child together and not a grandchild 1st and yet I get exactly what I have prayed not to have 1st. I feel like a very selfish person because I should be celebrating the news with him and his son, but I am in so much pain that I can't seem to do it. My husband expects me to go through this and wear a smile and act like everything is ok. It's almost like torture. I want to be able to do what he wants but I'm hurting so much. I love my husband soooo much. Other than the baby issue we have no other problems. This marriage is still young but I think it is a good strong marriage. But I feel like I'm such a loser and a party pooper but of my extreme desire for a child. I am so lost and confused that I don't know what to do. He yelled at me over the phone and said he hates babies. How can anyone hate babies. They are beautiful and innoncent like angels. I know coz I have a son. I feel like a brat wanting another one when I already have one. But I am getting old and I don't want to let this pass me by. I so want to have a child with my husband and I love him so much and I have never felt this way before I met him. It is just killing me. I can't stop thinking about it or praying for it. I start in the morning when I wake up and continue on through work and even when I go to bed. So many nights I have cried myself to sleep. I don't want my husband to hate me, but I know he is very angry at me for ruining his good news from his son and his happiness of a grandson. But if he can be so happy to receive a grandson (whom he will probably have to help support since they are young(20 & 21) and financially unstable with no college/tech school/skills), why can't he be just as happy to have a child with me? I feel like the bad guy in the picture. He told me yesterday that if he gave me what I wanted that he would resent me and not want anything to do with the child. And that how could I be so selfish to ruin this marriage and want a child despite that fact that he doesn't and hence to ruin a child's life. And that how could I say that I love him and want a child with him and yet to be willing to raise a child by myself. I don't want to raise a child by myself. I 've already done so withmy son since he was 4yrs old. I just want a somewhat normal home and I want my husband to be part of my whole entire life. But at the same time I am willing to not bother him with any little details that I can handle myself. He doesn't want to be bothered with raising a child and I said I am willing to do it all. But by saying so, I'm now being selfish to him and the child. I'm soo upset and so lost. Please help me.

As a man who knows he doesn't want children and who has just lost his relationship to a wonderful woman because of this very issue I'd like to make a few points.

1) The decision not to have children or more children is rarely because the person making this very personal decision hasn't weighed it up over a long period of time and made the decision based on many rational considerations.

2) Sometimes (note 'sometimes' not always) actually wanting children can be because of purely selfish motivations - People cite "wanting to feel unconditional love from a child" and "wanting to bring my partner and I closer together" and "wanting someone to look after me when I'm old" or "wanting to be like my friends". These reasons, without exception, are placing a large amount of pressure on the unborn child to conform to a preconcieved ideal and carry an inherent risk of failure. Similarly, if a woman wants a child and her partner has openly stated that he doesn't, surely, there is a very real danger that he will resent the situation and thus, an unhealthy atmosphere will develop which will be a bad environment for the child to grow up in. I'd have thought that prospective mothers would want nothing but the best possible atmosphere for their child. To have a child knowing that there's a very real danger that it'll be unwanted by one of it's parents must rank as one of the most irresponsible and selfish actions any human can perform.

3) If your man has been honest with you about his feelings, why is it your right to try to change his mind or try to 'make him come round'? Reluctance to have children could very well be based on the fact that he doesn't want to create yet another unwanted human being. It could also be that he's done the calculations and realises that the whole family would have to cope on an inadequate amount of money, hence raising stress, reducing the standard of living and lowering the happiness of the family unit. Having said all that, it isn't a man's right to stop a woman having a baby and this lack of shared goals is often (as was in my case) enough to destroy an otherwise perfect relationship. You might be able to work through it, you might not but using emotional blackmail and nagging for YOUR way will more likely than not result in resentment, even if you don't have a child. Open, frank, adult discourse is the only way to establish a path that's right for you.

4)The UN has predicted that the Earth will enter an unstoppable cycle of environmental collapse by 2050 if the population continues to expand at it's current rate. This is within YOUR child's lifetime, is this what you want for your child? Does the world need your child?

There's a bigger picture here, trying to convince people to have children against their wishes isn't the answer, you'd be better finding someone with similar ambitions or otherwise accepting the needs and wants of your partner, enjoying the fact that you do have someone you obviously love, that you already have happy lives without children (and if you don't then why the hell do you want kids?) and furthermore that there are some very valid reasons to have no more than two children if you have any at all. I'm shocked and disappointed by these crass individuals on here who think that calling men who choose not to have children irresponsible and selfish is acceptable, quite frankly, people who're so stupid would do the world a favour by NOT having children of their own. Ditto for women who 'accidentally' get pregnant when they know their partners don't want kids.

You all have choices: Stay and don't have the child or leave and find someone compliant to have the child with, in either case, your ambitions can be catered for. Think of those of us who only wanted a loving adult relationship with our partners and were honest from the start only to have our partners change their minds and who now face a future without the women we fell in love with. Am I selfish for saying no to children and letting her go or was it the biggest act of love that I could perform? I personally believe the latter as I'm feeling no sense of satisfaction from what I feel I've had to do.

Men who don't want children don't need to "come round" or change and neither do they need to be pressured or insulted. If they're going to come round they'll do it themselves, it's their right to choose when and how many too. If only the only children that were born were born into loving families where both parents wanted them, we would have fewer people on the planet, thus eliminating the population crisis and those people we had would be better adjusted individuals.

I hope this helps you to understand the point of view of a man who doesn't want children and I hope that you find the happiness you seek one way or the other. Best of luck.

Hi all,

It's a rare thing for me to feel strongly enough to want to post anything on any kind of forum.

I have however, very recently been through some very heartbreaking conversations with my other half on the babies/no babies front.

I have been with him for the past 2 and a half years, known him for 3 and a half and we have been living with one another for 15 months. I love this man dearly and cannot imagine having to continue my life without him, although as I write this, that very man I love is moving out of our house we made a home together.

Now, here's some background for you... When we first met I made it very clear that children were in my future plan - not with just anyone, but that if I felt it got serious enough and I considered the relationship to be stable and happy enough, that I would like to consider having 2 children, but to have one at the very least. He never agreed, nor disagreed but spoke with me about it on a level that gave me the IDEA we were aiming for the same things...It seems though, that he feels he hasn't reached that stage in his life, he believes he never will and doesn't actually feel the want or need to be a father.

I asked for his honesty, and whether I like the answer or not I have to respect that he has been completely honest with me about this, resulting in both of us losing the people we love.

His reasons are very fair and understandable to some degree. He sees more bad in this world than good, his family have a history of depression, anxiety and schizophrenia and he would never want to burden anyone in life with those things, as he feels it would be a burden on him if he knew he had taken that risk. He admits some reasons for not wanting children are selfish too, as the compromise on his life would be too big for him. Personally, I can understand his way of thinking here even though I want children.

There is no use in forcing people to think your way - has he asked me to give up my dreams of children and stay? No. Does he have a right to? No. So what right do I have to try and change his way of thinking?

I do feel for anyone in this situation, my heart goes out to you, to both the men and the women. I never considered for one moment that I would lose the man I love because I want to start a family with him. I don't want one immediately, I wanted to start one in 4 or 5 years time, to give us more time to do the things we should as a couple - to travel more, to enjoy each others company, to experience life a little, for me to grow to an age I am ready for children (because as much as I dream of having them, I don't want them immediately) This would mean I would be in my late twenties and my partner in his mid thirties - still, this way of thinking doesn't change his thoughts on having a child with me so I have to let go of something which my heart is not ready to leave behind yet, for something I don't even have. It's very painful, and I have never lived alone so I am scared of a lot of change for me at just 23. My world is being turned upside down.

I think that what PT1978 has done, is more out of love than selfishness - I don't think there is anything harder in life than leaving someone you are still very much in love with.

I know for me I still have a lot of heart ache to face and tonight is the first night I go back to our home and spend the night there alone knowing full well he is not coming back. That hurts.

Anyway, I want to wish the best of luck to all of you and I hope that one way or another you achieve in life what you want - the problem is to stay or to go? No one evr knows what the future holds....

Hi all,

I am in a similar situation. Both my husband and I have children to from past relationships and we both knew how the other felt BEFORE we got married, but both of us hoped the other would change their minds. Neither of us have and this is now causing major problems in our relationship. I want to have a child with my husband. I love the children we already have but want to look into OUR childs face and see US not me and someone else or him and someone else. I want to share that special gift of a child with my husband, to share those moments together that only two parents can. Yes there will still be precious moments in the lives of the children we have, but I want to share those precious moments as parents with our OWN child also. Unfortunately my husband does not. He has openly admitted he enjoys the lifestyle we have, says he doesn't like babies and does NOT want to have a child with me. This feels like a HUGE rejection considering his youngest child is 5 but he is entitled to his own decisions and I would NEVER become pregnant without both of us agreeing and wanting a child together. So.... we recently went to a counsellor who advised us that there are 4 options.... 1. I give in and we don't have a child 2. He gives in and we have a child 3. Neither of us give in and we break up 4. WE continue to not resolve the issue and inevitably one of the above will happen. We both agreed (4) is not an option. So he asked us both what our reasons were for wanting or not wanting a child and how we could resolve the issue one way or another. He advised that there were ways to move forward and yet walking away, it is true as he said. We are at a stalemate, and inevitably one of us has to give us what we want if we are to continue with this relationship. We left the counselling last night and agreed to take a bit of time to think about what was said before we organise another counselling session. I guess the reason I am writing this is because it will be more real to me if it is written. I know that he does not understand my reasons for wanting a child with him, and I don't understand his reasons because he already has two with someone else... so I can really only see one outcome. I understand what the gentleman said earlier but it does seem like a huge rejection. He very obviously loves the two children he already has so it's hard for me to see that when they come over and know that he is not prepared to share that with me. Anyway, I just needed to get that out. I hope that you all get what you want out of life and whether you do or don't want a child, it is only right that you do what is right for YOU. I love my husband and would never force another child on him but also do not want him to force NO CHILD on me and that is what is happening in our relationship. Good luck all.

We have one daughter already, i always said i would like 2 kids, no more! he has now said he doesnt want anymore....EVER!! i really want another one! The last thing i want is a divorce... we are in such a loving relationship.I dont know what to do!

I am going to be 30 and my husband will be 36. We have 2 girls, a 4 year old and a 2 year old. For the past 2 years I have deeply expressed and told my husband I want a 3rd kid. I am not done, I just know I am not done having kids. Well, he is done. He keeps telling me he is not interested. However, when I ask him to get a snip job, he says he doesn't want to bc what if he changes his mind. And when I talk about another kid, he jokes and says he'll have another if they are 6 years old. (like most men, he isn't crazy about the first 2 years) I am a great wife and mom and make sure his life doesn't change bc we have kids. He can work as long as he wants, travel as much and as often as he wants, do what he wants and so on and so on. I work out of the house, I take care of our house and kids and everything elese under the sun. I have done my best to assure the man that his life wouldn't change and that I wouldn't expect more out of him, which is what I feel like he is afraid of. Here is where I need some help girls....I don't know how to get him on board with me. I think about wanting another baby every single day, all the time. I knew in the hospital after my 2nd baby that I wanted another. Even on our first date I told him I was born to be a mother. And he knew he wanted to kids. I am an only child and he is of 4, so I would think he would go for having more than 2. But he is really holding his ground. I don't want to push it to the point where I upset him horribly, but at the same time, I really want him to truly know I want another one. I even asked if he would do it for me. He said he doesn't think so. I'm so torn up about this. I am not done as a mom, what should I do? I am not going to threaten him with the whole "if you don't give me another baby, I'll leave you" Its not like that. I am very happy with him and my 2 kids. I want to resolve this smoothly. But I am standing my ground too, I want another kid. Help please. I only bring it up about once a month bc I don't want to seem like I am relentless about it. But I'm getting to the point where I am going to bring it up more often. Or maybe I should, which I've done this before too with no resulst, maybe I should do the real deal sit down talk and just poor out my emotions about how I truly want one more. Maybe if I have enough of those real deal sit down talks he will bend and give in. He loves being a dad and I always compliment him as a husband, father, provider, indivual and more. I don't know what else he needs in order to give me what I want...

Leave him today. I married a man who knew I wanted children; it was all I talked about before we got married, and he still decided after we were married that he didn't. That's why people get married, to have a family. What a deceptive liar! Cheating on me would not have been this devastating.

We've been married for almost 30 years and staying married to him is the biggest mistake of my life. DO NOT do this to yourself. Do not wait for him to grow up and become a man and take a man's responsibility. Get out today.

Google about women's fertility issues and read about all the depression from infertility and secondary infertility and decide if that is how you want to live the rest of your life; because you're not infertile doesn't mean that you won't experience the same lifelong issues and consequences. The sadness, jealousy, anger, fears, and depression doesn't get better with age; it gets worse and there is nothing you can do about it except play the what if game. And understand, after 30 your fertility decreases fast. For some of you, it’s already too late; that’s what Mr. Wonderful has done for you.

If he thought anything of you at all, he would do it, because YOU ARE SPECIAL; YOU DESERVE IT, AND HE LOVES YOU. I would recommend artificial insemination and single parenthood, before I would recommend living your life without your baby. Once this issue enters the marriage arena, the dream of having a family with Mr. Wonderful is gone; the hard part is that you were deceived into marrying Mr. Despicable – good men don’t do this to their wives. Divorce him and move on - talking and counseling do nothing but waste time and your clock continues to tick without your baby.

The grief you will endure when you reach 50+ without your baby is at times, unbearable. Don't do it to yourself. Get out today; he's not worth it. At 55, I still cry myself to sleep; he just tells people I’m nuts; that’s his latest reason for never having children with me.

God bless all you dear women who are trying to figure out what's wrong with you, and how to make it better for your man, etc. etc. It's not you, it's him. Kick his ass to the curb before it's too late. If you find someone worthy of you, God bless you. If not, have your baby anyway; you deserve it.

I'm on the other end of this conversation, being a man (37). My wife (35) and I just had "the conversation" - literally about 20 minutes ago. It appears that women feel that it's not only right, but their duty to force, coerce, or otherwise make their man produce a child. Regardless of how HE feels. Are our feelings invalid? Do we not have the right so say no. If he wanted to be intimate and you said no and he forced you to have sex - you'd have him locked up (and rightfully so). My wife wants to have a second child (getting to the details later rant first)and I absolutely do not. So much so that I am willing to forgo intimacy because she demands that I engage in what shall we say is risky behavior (No protection).

I feel sorry for you women with your biological clock, hormones, and all. Really I see the "baby mania" my wife has right now, and it hurts me to say NO. Truely.

However, it is not right to force a man into a the responsibility and commitment of a child he doesn't want.

Our background is as follows:

We were highschool sweethearts. We dated again 6 years later shortly, and finally 10 years after high school we rekindled our relationship. From the beginning, I was frank with her about the fact that I did not want children. She said she felt the same way. When I proposed to her after 3 years of dating I literally said "Do not accept this ring if having a baby is something you want in the future". All my friends, coworkers, family - anyone - knows this is always the way I have felt. Anyways, after we got married I promised her a house - with the understanding (clearly spoken) that we not have children. I delivered. We bought a house more than I think we should have spent. About 2-3 years ago she starting saying she wanted a baby. We starting having friction in the relationship - that let to blowouts. She wanted me to go have myself checked to see if I could conceive - she couldn't fathom why I wouldn't. I didn't want kids so why find out. She starting seeing a doctor who said that she should be off the pill after 15 years. Said it was too long. So we used alternate methods which she seemed unhappy about but never pushed the issue too much. She then said she went to the doctor anyways and had herself checked out. (And here is where we disagree). She told me she was infertile and could not get pregnant- not possible. (She says she said it would be unlikely - clearly there is a distinction). Regardless, I got a little more lax about protection and well, suprise. I previously promised her during one of our blowouts that if she did get pregnant I would leave her. Now I had a decision - but I did the right thing. I was supportive througout her pregnancy and she agrees have been a good father over the last 14 months. About 8 months ago we had a conversation about having a baby and she agreed due to our lack of nearby family, few friends, financial situation, etc we would only have one - our daughter. We would work to give her the best life we can. She just admitted to me today she has been wanting another for about 2-3 months (about since she quit breastdfeeding I am guessing). She has been trying to get me to be reckless again, but I will not.

Tonight I explained to her all the reasons why I do not - from the fact that I don't want one, to finances, the rather unsettling state of the american nation, etc. Interestingly enough we had a conversation about 30 minutes before about how we needed to do better with our finances as things were not looking as good as she would like. I explained to her how I didn't want a child in the first place. Our daughter is great, and I love her so much. But I have always been clear about my feelings about children and I stepped up because I am the kind of person. However I am absolutely sure after having one that I do not want another. Anyways she tells me she will suffer every day for the rest of her life because I won't have another. It hurts me. I don't want her to resent me or anything. We agreed we have a good relationship and we don't want a divorce. She also acknowledged every of the reasons I gave were completely valid. The only reason she can give to have one is she "wants one". Well I don't. How is it as a man MY feelings are any less? I have never pretended to be anything but what I am. She admitted this- and admitted she for years agreed that she felt the same then she changed. And when I did father a child I am damn well going to be the best dad I can. She called me selfish. How am I selfish? I have never asked for anything that required her to sacrifice - she has repeatedly asked for things that whether or not I want them require me to commit to a certain level of responsibility, time, resources. I want the best for my child and I know with two I myself will be resentful and angry about how she coerced me into another - I will not let this happen.

In some cases, where you women were deceived or intentions were misrepresented I understand why you are upset or angry or disappointed. I am guilt free - I know in my heart I never did her wrong. So I deserve her respect (and yours quite frankly so don't rip me apart and tell me how I am selfish or whatever). She suggested counseling which I am willing to go to, however I warned her there is no middle ground with a child. And if she thinks going to talk to someone will change my mind, she is wasting her money. If she feels she needs to work out her feelings and needs support in this I am 100% with her.

So in closing, all you baby mad women - there are two sides to this. If it's ok for a women to change her mind and want a child - isn't it ok for a man to change his mind (or in my case stick to my guns) and not?