Pregnancy Info HOME

Leave him. If he wanted children with you, you'd be pregnant. Are you sure he even wants to be married to you?

My husband and I both decided prior to marriage that we did not want kids. Well 2 years into the marriage I decided I did. It took him a full year after that to agree to it. I dropped hints once in a while in that time but let him decide on his own. He still gets freaked and says lets pay off the car before trying and I of course "seduce" him for a little lovin and he is happy again and wants a baby. Some men are scared like mine was and others truly do not want a child. It is very importnant to find out what type of husband you have.

Hi everyone, here is my situation. I am 46 and my wife is 39. I have a daughter 19 from a previous marriage. My wife and I have been together 16 years, and married for almost 4. I had made it clear for some time, since before marriage that I didn't want to have anymore children. She wasn't happy with that decision ,but married me anyway. Last spring I announced that I was thinking of getting a vasectomy during my summer holidays. She went ballistic, which surprised me because she had been silent for so long , I figured she had accepted being childless. Well after much discussion, I agreed to try with her until my 47th Birthday , which is in July of this year. Like so many women on this forum, she is very anxious to have one. This isn't so much about us as it is about her. She wants one, knowing I don't. Even though I have my reasons, such as my age and the fact I am a shiftworker. I will concede that she deserves to have one, and that if I was her I would probably want one too. For all the women who are thinking of deception to achieve their goal, my answer is don't. It is better to leave the relationship and pursue your dreams with someone else. If anyone thinks love isn't conditional, they only need to read this forum to learn that it is.

To Oldman --
I was glad to read your post because my situation is almost identical to yours, except that I am the wife that wants the baby while my husband,the father of a 19 year old, does not.

It has been heartwrenching for me. I've always believed that if he had any sense of what I'm going through, he would WANT me to have a baby. With every cell of my being, with my heart and soul, I want to be a mother. I believe that if I were in my husband's shoes I would not be able to deny my wife the joy of parenthood, especially if I had already been blessed with a child from a previous relationship. So here is my question, and please know that I do not intend to be sarcastic or offensive but do you have any sense of the depth of dispair a woman feels when she wants to become a mother or do you really just not get it?

I am also a wife that feels the same way. I would love to here a mans perspective. Why do they get so scared to have children? Do they really not understand the desire that woman have to be mohers? Do they understand or care at all when their wife says that a baby is what she wants more then anything. Having a baby with man she loves is so special and so many man just say no. Why is that? How do we get them to understand our deep need of becoming a mommy?

It truely is an amazing phenomenon. I don't understand the total inability to empathize in this one area. Is it selfishness? Is it cruety? Is the devide between men and women that great? I know that my husband loves me but I feel a profound sense of abandonment when it comes to the baby issue. My insides are screaming, "HOW CAN YOU LOVE ME AND NOT GET THIS???" I have empathized with him on much lesser issues. I actually feel as though I have to choose between marriage or motherhood and I really don't want to make that choice.

To Seeking Understanding, Believe it or not, I do understand how you feel, maybe not 100%, but I do. I have been trying to to get my mind into doing the baby thing again, for awhile now, this is how I came to find this forum. My reasons for not wanting one, are more than the two I mentioned. Every man is different as are his reasons. You don't give your ages, but that could be one of them. The decision to have a baby is an emotional one , it isn't something you can decide on based on technical factors. Men are not wired to be like women. We see the expense and loss of freedom and time. From experience I can tell you raising a child is a lot of work. Men don't get to experience the joys ? of pregnancy or child birth, so we ask what's in it for us ? Many women go into relationships assuming that their man will produce a baby for them when the time is right ,and as many are learning that isn't a given. My wife is one of these women. I have talked to other couples with children and learned that one or the other more or less, delivered an ultimatum to the other in the cases where they were not equally commited to decision on having a baby. How many men would stay in a relationship if their woman decided she didn't want to have sex anymore ? Well the same applies to women. If you are not getting what you truely want in your relationship, ( baby )then it is your decision to decide whether you want to stay in it. Is a man being selfish for not wanting a baby ? absolutely, but no more than a woman for wanting one. It isn't like men get to stay detached from it. We would all give babies to our women , if we didn't have any additional commitment to it afterward. Women are designed to perform the function of having babies, they are reminded of this every single day, when the look at their breasts, have their period, have sex. Not to mention the peer pressure from other women who are already mothers. I may be a man, but if I was a woman, I would want the experience you seek. I wish you luck in your quest, you deserve to be happy.......Ron

To Oldman,

Thanks so much for taking the time to respond in such an honest manner. While your words are not my rescue (nor should they be), reading them was like being thrown a life vest of understanding. On most days I feel as though I’m flailing about in deep waters while others look on. Age is definitely a factor for my husband. I am 45 and he is in his early 50s. You can probably guess from our ages that I have had fertility challenges. I now know first hand that babies are not a given. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would end up here. Thank you for supporting my happiness and, in essence, the happiness of all women who find themselves in my shoes. I wish you and your wife full joy.

tell you never mined and you dont want to have a baby and then maybe you guys will start back up

What about not making love to your wife...for months. Not giving her pleasure and making her feel good about herself? Is that fair? I don't think so. I am not going back on birth control so I bought condoms and he still doesnt want to have sex because he is scared of having a baby. He is pushing me away. He always says he is not ready. What in the world am I to think? How long do I put up with this? I always here guys talking about how there wife is to tired or has a headach, but they nver talk about themselves. How can love hurt so much? Yes I do want babies and we talked about this before marriage, but I also just want my husband to make love to me. Do other women out there have this problem? I always thought guys wanted sex by nature, like women want babies. I always gave it to him, so why wont he give it to me? Sex and a baby!

Wow, I thought I was all alone in feeling the way I feel. Many of you are just like me. I am 29, my husband is 43. We have been married for 3 years but have been together since I was 21. We had the "baby talk" way before we were married. We both agreed that kids were not in our future. He already has a 14 year old from his previous marriage. Well here we are 8 years later and I find myself wanting a baby more than ever. My biological clock is definitely ticking and I have had a change of heart. I was young when we first got together and hve grown up so much since then. We have no other relationship flaws. He is my best friend and my other half. We have so much in common and just love our life together. We are even building a new house together right now. I love him more than anything but feel so empty inside without a child. What if he were to die in a few years (accidentally or health problems - who knows) I would be left with no one. I am not close to my own family and unfortunately his 14 year old son and I don't get along. I would truly be alone except for my friends and pets. I want to raise and have my own child and know I made something beautiful that is a part of me. I want the family I never had. I love my husband so much but am seriously considering leaving him now while I am still young enough to have children. It is extremely gut wrenching but I do not see any other alternatives. I could never live with myself if I "accidentally / on purpose got pregnant". Even though I know he is a great father now and would be to our child it would not be the right thing to do since he has made it clear he does not want more children. I just want to finish by saying that all of us here that have posted about this are all in this together and best of luck to all of us who are in this sad situation.

To Tracy,
Having the opportunity to create another human being with your other half is, in my opinion, the most spectacular part of living. Experiencing pregnancy, birth, and the bond that comes in raising a child is one of the primary reasons we are here. I hope your husband will change his mind. Does he know you are contemplating leaving? If he really thought you were going to go what would you think his reaction/response would be? I have girlfriends whose husbands came around once they put it all on the line. I am not making any suggestions, as only you know what is best for you.

Thank you Seeking Understanding.
As of right now my husband still does not know I am considering leaving him to find someone that wants children. Everyday I want to talk to him and tell him how I feel but just get caught up in our regular day to day life - not to mention I am scared to death to talk to him. I tried to talk to him about this a couple of years ago, and he basically said the same thing that old man said in an earlier post. He said he does not want the responsibility of a new baby after raising a child of his own. He likes to travel and do many other things and thinks a baby will prevent that. Not to mention he works second shift and probably will for a long time. Another reason he said in the past that he doesn't want a baby is because his family doesn't live here (he is very close to his family) and they missed out on all of that with his other kid. He also can see like old man the expense. From the time he was a baby all the way up until his youngest sibling was in high school his mom was a stay at home mom. He realizes in our situation because of the income I make that I would not be able to stay at home, therefore the baby would have to be in daycare. Lastly, another reason why I suspect he feels he doesn't want a baby is because when his son was 1 1/2 years old, his exwife left him for another man. He had almost all of the responsibility and his son seemed to be sick all of the time (ear infections, and all kinds of problems). I really want to plan out ahead of time what I want to say to him but still don't know what. He has a given me a lot of great reasons why not to have children, but I just know that if I don't I am sure to regret it later in life. Thanks for your feedback.

Maybe I'm not mad after all. I am 24 and my husband is nearly 26. We have been married for nearly a year and been together for 5 years. We have always talked about kids and he has always been keen and we agreed before marriage that we both wanted kids. However since we got married I have found myself wanting to start a family and the feeling is only getting stronger. I think about it everyday and feel I can't wait much longer. I feel like I'm not allowd to feel this way as I'm still quite young and it's not like we have been married for years or anything. My husband stands by the fact that he wants kids but not now. We have talked about his reasons and he says he's not ready, finacial reasons, it's a big decision. I did keep quiet about it for few months to give him time to think about it but I'm starting to get quite upset and feel I need to talk to him about it. I feel so guilty when I bring it up as I don't want to pressure him into it and he feels bad that I'm getting upset about it. So I find myself crying alone and feeling ever so guilty about my feelings. I think in my case I find it confussing as my husband is in two minds one minute he tells me that he is starting to feel excited about trying and I get over excited and the next minute he's saying things like it's a big decsion and it makes my heart sink. What a rollercoaster ride! I allways imagined it would be like in films when one person says lets start trying for a baby and the other says ok and off they go, if only. At least I can be greatful that he has never said he never wants kids. Good luck to you all

To Tracygold, Your story of all the reasons not to have a baby are, unfortunately, all too familiar. Someone once told me that it all comes down to two emotions: "love" and "fear." The actions we take on the big decisions in our lives are either motivated by love or fear. When a husband says he doesn't want to have a baby because of the responsibility, work schedules, family's too far away, raising first child with ex-wife was a nightmare, etc., all of those reasons are based in fear. -- And we as women, respond in kind. We are "afraid" to initiate the conversation (yes me too) becuase we don't want the argument or the rejection. -- Just imagine if we all allowed love to be the motivation. I don't mean this in an airy-fairy way but if our husbands allowed love, not fear, to be the driving force, they would come to the realization that the money works itself out,and the work schedule works itself out and family can come to visit, and the experience with the first wife doesn't dictate the experience with the second wife, and so on. And if we mother's-to-be allowed love to rule, maybe we would find the voice to have the difficult conversations with our husbands, to stand firm in our knowing that having a baby is a blessing and that everything will work out just fine. -- This is what I'm working toward in my life now. It's quite a journey but I refuse to let such an important decision be ruled by fear.

Dear Seeking Understanding,

Well I wish I could say I feel better or that I feel a sense of relief. Instead all I am feeling is heartache. I had the talk with my husband and he pretty much said he understands how I feel and that I should have a baby, just not with him. We are now looking into stopping the housebuilding process and I am not sure what exactly I am feeling. It's as if my life has been turned upside down and I feel like this is all a horrible nightmare. I knew beforehand that there was a pretty good chance he would react that way I was just hoping beyond hope that he would support my decision to start a family together and our fairytale life could continue. I will update you again in a few days or weeks when I have a clearer picture. Thanks for your support.