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Dear Seeking Understanding,

Well I wish I could say I feel better or that I feel a sense of relief. Instead all I am feeling is heartache. I had the talk with my husband and he pretty much said he understands how I feel and that I should have a baby, just not with him. We are now looking into stopping the housebuilding process and I am not sure what exactly I am feeling. It's as if my life has been turned upside down and I feel like this is all a horrible nightmare. I knew beforehand that there was a pretty good chance he would react that way I was just hoping beyond hope that he would support my decision to start a family together and our fairytale life could continue. I will update you again in a few days or weeks when I have a clearer picture. Thanks for your support.

Men are the stangest of creatures. I posted my reply on this web site months ago. I was so desperate to talk to someone and this web site has been fantastic. Well I finally decided after waiting and wanting so much that I might as well give up on the idea of having a baby as I was only hurting myself and feeling very depressed about the fact my husband did not want any children. In the meantime I have come off my pill for health reasons and bought condoms to use instead. When I told my husband that I had stopped taking the pill....he now agrees to us having children....aggghhhhhh Im so annoyed at him. Now Ive come to terms of me never having a baby and maybe not even being ready to have one now.....he decides differently. Now Im not even sure if I want to try. Bloody men!

This forum is a fascinating read. My decision to try for a baby with my wife weighs on my mind everyday. If I didn't love her as much as I do, she wouldn't get this chance. She wants a baby more than anything else on her life's wish list. As mentioned in my first post to this page, I had said that she was given until July of 2006, my 47th birthday ,to get pregnant. When I turned 47 I would get a vasectomy. What wasn't mentioned in that post,was the agreement that my wife would lose weight ( 30 lbs ) before we even began trying. She didn't and went off the pill anyway, at the end of August 2005. So we have been trying since that time. The last condition was that she gets her weight down to 150-160 pound range, by same July date in order to buy addition TTC time. In fact I told her last week that if she could do that , I would TTC for as long as she wanted . What does she weigh ? you are wondering ? She is 5'7'' and weighs 200 lbs. She has dropped 5 lbs since the beginning of our agreement. Maybe some of you readers are thinking, that I am being unrealistic or harsh , but I disagree. My love for her isn't conditional on her weight. Can you think of a better motivator, than a chance for a baby to get in shape ? This isn't something that I just want, it has been her goal too for some time, at least verbally. Beneficial too for a healthy pregnancy and being an energetic mom. Unfortunately we learned that some uterine surgery to remove a fibroid and polyp is needed in order to have a good chance to get pregnant. Now she has this additional obstacle to overcome, but hey at least I am trying ? I have a lot of thoughts on the reluctance of us men to have babies and some possible solutions, that I can post if anyone is interested. Until then good luck with your own personal quests.

Dear Oldman, your most recent post made my heart skip a beat. I am so glad to hear that you and your wife are trying to conceive. -- I am not a medical professional, but I would like to share with your wife that there is some research on eliminating fibroids without surgery. While Western medicine still isn't quite sure what causes fibroids (estrogen, maybe), within the wholistic community there is a belief that fibroids are the result of toxins in the colon. I have read articles of women who have done juice fasts which cleansed their systems, eliminated toxins, got rid of fibroids and... guess what...resulted in weight loss. Clearly it's up to you and your wife if she should have surgery or not, but I just wanted to share some information that might allow her to meet more than one goal simultaneously, -- I can't end this post without commending your level of love and commitment in recognizing just how important it is for your wife to realize her life's goal of becoming a mother. Bless you oldman. -- And yes, I would love to hear more from you on the man's perspective.

Dear Tracy -- I read your post and am wishing you the very best and hoping that once the dust settles from the discussion your husband will support you in your quest. It sounds as though he really loves you and, with the exception of not seeing eye to eye on having a baby, the two of you have a wonderful relationship. I am going to continue to hope for the best on your behalf.

Hi Seeking, The thoughts on the reluctance of us men, have been typed up. I don't want to post them here, as the document is too long to put here. What I will do is provide my e-mail address, and offer to mail it to anyone interested. Unfortunately it is lacking in solutions for those women struggling to have their wish fullfilled. If anything, it will maybe give some women insight into the male thinking, or at least mine. What I would like to see on this forum is why some of these women want a baby. I am trying to understand the female mind on this issue....Ron rdsutton@cogeco.ca

wow - what great posts. i registered just to respond. ron, i'm going to be emailing you to get what you typed up.

reading all this has been good. i know i'm not alone in all this, some of the posts have been exactly how i feel.

i'll be 37 in july, my boyfriend is a little more than 3 years younger than me, with an almost 9 year old and a 5 year old, along with a vasectomy. we've been together for 2 years now and this has been an item of contention for a while. i have to say, reading all the posts has put things in perspective as far as his point of view, and how much responsibility i have to own (like 99%) of my misery about this. he had expressed reluctance from the get-go to have the vas. undone, but kind of kept it open for discussion. twice i was on the verge of leaving him and both times he placated me because i know he loves me and doesn't want to lose me. but he has also said at another time that maybe he's not the man for me because i want a child and he can't see having any more.

the ironic things about this is that i've been pregnant several times before and chose to terminate each time because i didn't want to be a single mother and that's exactly what i would've ended up being - and without good support from the father. i knew i couldn't handle the responsibility all by myself. the most recent time, 3.5 yrs ago, i was in a committed relationship but i KNEW it wasn't going to last - and again, didn't want to be a single mom.

so now i'm with my bf who i love so much and we have a great relationship and wouldn't you know that he's EXACTLY the kind of man i'd want to be the father of my children. life is so ironic sometimes, huh??

so now we're at the crossroads. we live together and he has 50/50 custody of his two kids so they live with us too when they're over. my bf owns a rental property of his own and the tenants' leases are up for renewal and one of them are moving out, so he's got a place to go. i am so confused, as we all seem to be because i love him as much as i want a child. my doctor says i should just flip a coin because either way, i'm going to be losing something - either him or my chance to be a mom.

reading the posts has made me have to examine my motives though. i know it's going to be hard work. i sometimes wonder if i had a child, would i wake up and say to myself "what the %#$ was i thinking?? this is TOUGH" - i'm trying to be realistic. but i can't imagine not being a mom. i'm an only child (and used to getting what i want if i beg enough, so this is REALLY tough on me, lol), my parents are divorced and my mom lives out of the country, and my father has his own life, always has. i'm not close AT ALL to ANY of my extended family so having a biological child is important to me for those reasons. are they the right reasons? who knows? my bf is very understanding of my pain - but i guess that i have to look at it like someone else said - i want one as much as he doesn't. and i know that this issue is causing him a lot of pain too because i know he loves me. and if it weren't for the fact that he has his two, i know we'd be having babies in a heart beat. he's such a responsible dad that he's understandably petrified of the possible negative effects that having another child might have on his two. i know i'd have to give him space to spend his precious-little time with his kids, but i'm ok with that. i know the consessions i'd have to make - financially, time-wise, etc. can you tell i'm all over the place with this??

all i can say at this point is that i'm grateful to have found this post. i feel compassion and empathy for everyone who's posted.

Hi Oldman,

Any chance you would consider posting in phases? I have no idea how many pages you've written, but perhaps you could post a few thoughts (paragraphs) at a time. Your earlier posts have been so enlightening, I'd love to see you keep them online.

Dear Seeking, It is a bit long and I don't want to hijack this forum for my own satisfaction. If, however, there is enough interest, then I would consider posting it all. There is a cute cartoon at the end, which I cannot paste on this forum. I put a lot of time and thought into this document and I know you will find it interesting to read. E-mail me and I'll be happy to send you the M.S Word document....Ron

Thanks Ron for your time and consideration. I will email you.

reading oldman's paper on why a husband may not want children hit the nail right on the head. my boyfriend and i are going through what feels like a torturous crawl into splitting up. it's so hard, it feels like a divorce because we live together and we have his two boys 7 out of 14 days, so they're with us half the time. they have their own room, filled with toys, furniture, new beds, etc. i feel so angry because i feel like i'm losing more than he is, and his kids are going to suffer because he kept thinking his mind would change about this. not to mention that it's really hard for me to accept, understand, grasp the reasons WHY because i don't agree with him. i feel like his reluctance is because he's jaded because of his past, and i've tried so hard to show him it doesn't have to be that way. i've now wasted 2 years of my life in this state of limbo, and now, to fulfill my dream, i'm going out there again at 36, almost 37, and HOPE i find someone i love and trust as much as him, and who i actually want to be with, considering i love him so much and i know he loves me. it is the most screwed up feeling to break up when you both love each other! isn't that what its all about?? i swear, i will NEVER get involved with a man with kids again. i've been through this before and it sucks. i told myself after the last time that i would never, and had i listened to my gut, i wouldn't be in this predicament. i'm angry with him, but i take responsibility because bottom line, i'm responsible for my own happiness, and i put that responsibility in someone else's hands. nobody can ever have my best interest at heart except for me. sorry to rant, and thank you for everybody's opinions.

Hi, Michelle. Sorry to read about your struggle with this issue. I don't know enough about your relationship to provide any solid solutions. It should be obvious to him by now, how much it means to you, by letting him know that you are considering leaving him. He now has to weigh how much he loves you against the sacrifice he will have to make to keep you. I know , because I had to make the same decision. I had told my dear wife years before we married to find another man if she wanted children, because I had one already and didn't want anymore. It's not easy to leave a bad relationship, but even tougher to leave a good one. As anyone who has been in more than one relationship will agree , is that you can fall in love again. Before you give up on your current relationship, try selling him on the idea, make him realize the power he holds to make you happy. Try bribing him, by offering something that he has been wanting ? or make some other kind of deal. My wife offered to lose weight and we came to an agreement on that, but she was willing to offer almost anything for her dream. I agree with your statement about men with children. Once you have one, or more, the desire to have another disappears. We are already experiencing parenthood. We don't feel like we are missing anything in our life in this regard, unlike those, who like yourself, do. I truly wish you success. Keep us updated on how it all turns out for you.

I can't believe how many people are going through the same thing. It is actually comforting, especially since I can't even talk about this with anyone. I guess it to upsetting. My husband and I have been married for 5 years and agreed we would have a child before we were married. Then after we were married he changed his mind. I have a son froma previous relationship who was 5 when we married. My son does not see his biological father, so my husband is the only dad he knows. He is the best dad and we are a happy family. But I want to have another baby, I will soon be 35 so the clock is ticking. It is so hard because I do not want to leave him I love him, and for my son's sake I wouldn't. I try to accept it everyday, tell myself that I have a good life and I should just be happy, but I just can't. I am filled with sadness and resentment constantly, it is tearing me up, and it only gets worse as time goes on. I am so lost I don't know what to do. It is helpful just to write about how I am feeling. Thank You

my boyfriend and i are in counselling, and have been for several months, to try to resolve this issue. we went saturday, and he has made it very clear that he doesn't want any more, for whatever reason. he felt "done" after his younger son was born. he always wanted two kids with the same mom, and made that happen despite the probability that their relationship wouldn't work out. as he says, once she was pregnant with their first, "the deal was sealed", he would have a second with her no matter what. so anyway, since he is so adamant, i have to figure out what i'm going to do. a point was brought up - if he reversed his vasectomy, and it didn't work, i think i'd be ok with that. so why ok then, but not now? obviously there is something else going on, and i realize that some of this is me interpreting his "giving in" as proof of his love. which i realize logically is not accurate. i know he loves me very much but has too many fears or whatever to have more children. so... could i be happy with no biological kids of my own? we both have good jobs, and since his kids are with their mom half the time, we have time to ourselves that we could travel, etc. or just spend time alone. we could be very financially comfortable without the added expense of another child, not to mention the cost of the vasectomy reversal, and the lost pay from time out of work if i wanted to take a leave more than the 12 paid weeks of maternity leave. i'd have to go back to work full time eventually which would mean my child would be in daycare all day from an early age. his kids now need all the guidance they can get. another child might send them the wrong message (we're not enough, daddy loves the new baby more). there are SOO many pros and cons, and i feel so overwhelmed. not to mention the fear (rational or not) that i may not find someone i love as much as him, and if i do, it will be too late. and also, in my fantasy of how great things would be if we had a child, it was relieving to know that i would only have to have one - my child would already have siblings, even though only half. i wish i had a crystal ball, lol. if only it were that easy. anyway, i'm going to my counselor on thurs alone to discuss this. maybe it will help me to make my decision easier, because at this point, i am squarely on the fence.

My wife and I are both in our early 40s, neither of us have any children. Prior to our wedding 4 months ago she agreed, reluctantly, to give up the hope to have a child. Now, the desire is overwhelming and she cries daily.

I'm at a loss...she talks about leaving to try to have one on her own, she talks about wanting meds to put her into a permanent stupor, she talks about dropping completely out of life.

This does, of course, have some serious repercussions on our relationship. I WILL stand by her but am firm on my decision to avoid having children at all reasonable costs.

I contemplate having a vasectomy without telling her, and thus give her the illusion that we're trying to have a child; but I think that will do more damage in the long run than good.

Has anyone had success dealing with the depression with counselling? Meds? Other solutions?

I would like to hear an answer to joes question as well. I have been thinking about getting counseling, but then I feel angry because why should I get the counseling? But I know that being angry and resentful like that will just ruin my marriage. I just wnat to accept my life as it is and be happy, has anyone had any success with counseling???