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I would like to hear an answer to joes question as well. I have been thinking about getting counseling, but then I feel angry because why should I get the counseling? But I know that being angry and resentful like that will just ruin my marriage. I just wnat to accept my life as it is and be happy, has anyone had any success with counseling???

Hello Joe, welcome to this forum. Nice to have another man's input here. Disappointing way to begin your marriage huh ? I doubt that counselling will work, and I am sure you don't want a drugged up wife. Either your wife underestimated her biological drive for a baby or she overestimated her chances that you would change your mind? Don't get the secret vasectomy, because that would be the equivalent of her secretly going of the birth control pill. Your marriage should be based on honesty and respect. Don't know if you like to gamble or not, but her chances of getting pregnant at her age are slim. She may be close to entering menopause ? You could come up with an agreement to try for a set period of time. This will show her how much you care and perhaps put and end to this issue for good. At least she won't be able to say you never tried, otherwise it is what you will have to hear from time to time for the rest of your relationship, as her resentment grows. Maybe you might not be as fertile as you think either ? Anyway you have a real challenging problem to solve I wish you luck. Here is a link to a page on this dilemma http://parenting.ivillage.co
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Oldman, great insight. I believe that most women in this predicament underestimated their biological drive for a baby. I also agree that counseling doesn't really help because this drive cannot be reasoned or counseled away. One male OB/GYN I met with told me that when the wife wants a baby and the husband doesn't, expecting the wife to compromise doesn't really work…because she is still going to want to have the baby -- Six years into this thing, I understand. This drive is LIFE wanting to recreate itself. What drive could be stronger than this? That's why, as women, we become absolutely obsessed, fixated, crazed, depressed, driven to the brink of our very sanity. The desire is encoded within us and it is fueled by the UNIVERSE. It's bigger than any one of us. As women we have this compelling (that's not even a strong enough word) call on our lives to have a baby and we want and need to answer the call. Yet somehow we find ourselves with partners who can't hear the call. So we are tortured by the decision to walk away from our partner, our marriage, our home, putting everything on the line, or the decision to stay hoping and praying that our partner will change. – I am looking forward to reading the thoughts you offered to email (sent you my email address a few minutes ago) but I must tell you that I just don’t understand how my husband doesn’t understand this extreme state of torture I am living in. If the roles were reversed, I’d have the baby just to help him get out of this state. -- The other thing I don’t get is what’s so awful about a baby? It’s a human being for heaven’s sake. (ok now I think I’m getting ticked off, so I’ll just sign off)

Wow, I'm truly amazed at how many other couples are going through the same thing. My fiance and I are about to be married on April 1st, and for the last year I've known that I would love to have a baby with him. We are both very healthy mentally, emotionally, physically and spirituality. We are financially stable, and we truly love each other. I know a lot of people would probably say that it's just "too soon", but things of this nature don't work according to the clock. My fiance says that he would love to have kids, but he knows he's not ready yet. At first, I was really irritated (to say the least) and I kept bugging him about it until I realized how much I was affecting our relationship. Basically what it came down to was this: is having a baby more important than our relationship? In other words, am I more in love with being a mother than I am with him? I knew as soon as I asked myself this question that I love him more than anything in the world, and I will do my best to wait for him to be ready. Of course, if several years pass and he's still not ready I might have to reevaluate this, but I doubt it will be that long. My heart goes out to all of you who want nothing more than to be a mother, but are unable to because of your husbands. Know this--if your love for having a baby is greater than your love for your husband then maybe you should consider being in a relationship with someone else.

I just found this site and am amazed at how many women are exeriencing the same thing. I have been married for 5 mnths after having been with him for nearly 6 years. He has a child from his previous marriage but does not want to have another. I have always been up front and honest about wanting a child. He has always been up front and honest about not wanting another. We discussed this in full before marriage but what choice did I have? I love this man with all my heart. I'm 35 and let's face it, there are not a ton of men on the market who are just falling over to have kids. I just don't understand why we are forced to make such a sacrifice. It's either have a husband or have a child. He's a wonderful, loving father and does not at all regret having his son. He just doesn't want any more because now he has his cake and can eat it too. He has the fulfillment of a child and yet the marriage of a childless couple. The best of both worlds in his eyes, I'm sure! I adore his son completely but being a stepmother, especially when there is an ex in the picture who does everything in her power to make it known that I am in no way THE mother, is not enough. I have all the normal fears of growing old and being alone. I don't have neices or nepehews either. I don't want to live a life of regret. I have so much to share, so much love to give. I want so badly to pass on my family history to MY/OUR child. My wedding dress is still hanging in the closet. I cannot bring myself to get it preserved because I'm not sure what I'd be preserving it for if I never have a child to pass it along with family pictures, etc down to. What does one do with all their life's momentos. Who do I will anything to if my husband goes before me. Who will weep at my grave? I have so many fears and bitter feelings and regrets already and I'm only 35. Does anyone have any thoughts on how to cope? I think counseling might help but I can't see how it could ever get me to "see the light" and think NOT having children is a wonderful option.

Longing4achild--I'm so sorry you're having to go through this :( I can tell how deep your love for your husband is, and also how deep the longing is to have a child of your own. It is incredibly unfair that so many women seem to have to make a decision between their husband and a baby...I wish there was a right answer. It basically all comes down to regret, it seems like. Imagine looking back on your life when you're an old woman. If you decide to stick by your husband's side and never have kids how does the picture look and feel? If you decide to go separate ways and have kids with someone else how does the picture look and feel? I believe that deep down inside every woman she knows what the answer is for her...sometimes we just don't want to see it. I hope everything works out for you :)

To: Lauralove1997 - Thank you for your kind words and insight. I do love my husband so very much. I cannot imagine life without him. He is a part of my very soul. I also cannot imagine living my life without a child. Prior to my husband, I had been with a man, though not married, for 9 years. He did not want children either and so I left him in pursuit of finding someone who did. I seem to have lucked out in meeting my husband but had no luck in finding a man who wanted a child. I dated tons of men, literally, prior to meeting my husband. I found it interesting in that of those men, there was only about 2% who wanted children. Unfortuantely, they were not men I had anything else in common with. It seems so unfair to have to sacrifice the love of your life or the love of a child. I don’t think I’m selfish in wanting it all!!! : ) I just can’t see leaving my husband at my age to again pursue a relationship with a man who wants a child also. I didn’t work before and I’m getting too old to start over. Oiy… I don’t think that deep down I know the answer. Believe me, I’ve dug pretty darned far. Either way I go is a gamble. I could lose everything if I left and still never had a child and never meet another love or I could stay and deal with regret and heartache of not having a child. Here’s one solution I have considered.. would love all your thoughts on this one….

I’m considering talking with a lawyer about the possibility of having a baby via a sperm bank, on my own, at my expense. I would have a legal contract drawn up that negates my husband from any financial responsibility at all. I will raise the child on my own, just in our house. I see this as no difference from us raising his son. Were we to split up or if my husband were to die, I have no legal or financial responsibilities or rights to his child. His mother could up and move with him and I’d never see him again. I have to have him in my home though now (which I don’t regret at all as I love him dearly!) but it is not my child however, he is a part of our lives. This would be the same as if I were to have a child on my own now. The only difference being that he had his before we were together and I’d be having mine now.

Ok everyone… tell me if I’m completely off my rocker or what!!! lol… : )

Hi all,

I am glad to have found this forum. I have been hving the same problem and did'nt know who to talk with and what to do. I have known my husband for 12 years and we've been married for 5 years now. For a year now I have wanted to have a child, but my husband does not. It began as desire to have children, but now its an all-consuming need. I dont know or understand why its so strong, and everytime my husband says "let's wait" I get more bitter and angry. I have started to feel depressed, lose sleep, become less focused at work, and am beginning to lose trust and faith in my marriage and my husband. I dont want to feel this way and I try my best to rationalize and to see things from his point of view, but its hard. I cry all the time, I have stopped communicating with my parents and siblings and am afraid I'm heading into a deep slump.
I know what my options are and they are all reflected in the various threads in this forum. But it helps to write this down and know there are others like myself. Thanks all for listening.

I would like to thank all the women posting to this site for helping me to understand how powerful this drive for a baby is. It wasn't long ago that I wouldn't have given my wife's desire for a baby any more importance, than her desire for the latest kitchen appliance. This understanding, however, doesn't change my decision for not wanting one. I have several reasons for that. Is this topic a relationship breaker? I think maybe it should be. Let's put emotion and love aside and consider the facts. Most of the women on this forum are in their thirties or early forties, and as all of us know, advancing age diminishes a woman's fertility. As you agonize over this issue, time is ticking down, and don't think your husband isn't aware of it. He could be weathering this proverbial storm, in the hopes that time will solve this dilemma for him. You can decide to sacrifice having a baby for the sake of your marriage now, only to see the marriage possibly fail sometime in the future. So if you decide on this course of action, hopefully the sacrifice will be worth it? Many of you have written that you are in very good relationships with your husbands and like you I am in a great relationship with my wife, but that was before this "baby topic" took center stage. Now, depending on who has their way, someone isn't going to be happy. How many have husbands that would rather let their wives leave them, than have a baby with them? How many women here want a baby so much, that they'll put their marriages on the line for it? Sure you can gamble and leave your husband and find a man who wants children, only to possibly find out that the new union cannot produce any. Your husband I can assure you is agonizing over this dilemma almost as much as you are. If he loves you as much as you think he does, you can bet it bothers him to see you so unhappy, especially knowing he is the only one that can change that. I think for many women here, it is time to put their relationships to the test, and really push for the baby you want. Men are capable of changing their minds; you just need to really work at it. Remember, time is ticking, so go for that, which you were biologically designed to do. Ron......rdsutton@cogeco.ca

Wow, I'm so glad I found this! I'm in the same boat but it's really starting to affect my health. He just keeps pushing it back and saying things like, "well, I don't want to now but if you feel like we neeed to then, I guess". I want someone who's excited about it, I don't want him to be resentful. I work with children and he says things like, "you only want one because you see them at work" which is frustrating because 1. it's not true and 2. i feel like it undermines me. It's been a year and I can't sleep or I sleep for too long, I'm so sad all the time, I can't focus. Every aspect of my life has been invaded and then I get angry as he just sits there cheering on the television and I know none of this is even important to him.

I am getting so upset with this topic . What have we done to deserve this treatment from the men we love and give our all to. My husband also has a 12 year old son that I am helping to raise. Do not get me wrong I love my son and husband dearly. But, I want to experience the joy of motherhood from the other side also. My husband could one day take his son and leave and I would be w/o a child. My husband also believes that I want a child because my sister's and friend's are having babies. How dare he say this!!! I am not a 2 year old who sees a toy in a store window and wants it. I love childen and it makes me feel so wonderful inside to think of holding a life that we created together. Unfortunately he will never understand this. I am now 28. I am debating like everyone else should I stay or go. I know he will never change his mind he is a very stubborn man. He sticks to his beliefs. I am so scared I will be the woman who will never hold her own child. I like the idea of going to a sperm bank and having a child and drawing up papers to legally have my husband not be responsible. I say go for it longing for a child. It sounds like a great idea to me. Please forgive me for rambling. It just hurts so much.

hi everyone... to longing: no you're not nuts. you have to do what you have to do, however, if your hubby likes the best of both worlds thing, and you have a baby on your own, then you're not going to be a childless couple anymore and he's going to resent you. so you need to prepare yourself that you may end up being a single mom. decide if you're ok with that, then proceed.

i think what further fuels the biological drive is the dream that lots of women have is to have a baby with someone they love.. you know, we see it on tv.. the baby comes out, gets plopped on our chest, our man by our side, we look at our baby, look loving at our man who's looking lovingly at our baby and us, and it's one loving triangle. i'm not trivializing this, it's how i've always dreamed it would be.

the other thing is that because of the triange and the biology, when we're being faced with the prospect of being denied our dream by someone we love so much, it hurts to the core, for so many reason, some obvious, some not so obvious.

i agree with "oldman ron" - you have to make it happen. you can't push obnoxiously, but you have to be a strong woman and set a date in your head that a decision needs to be made by, and then act on that.

as far as my situation goes, after the big finale at the counsellor happened, life was hell. i was crazy, in turmoil as described above by another post - depresssed, crying, no interest in anything - just wanting to go to sleep for 100 years. my cousellor then suggested i allow myself a mental vacation from it and it helped so much - i needed permission to just let it go for a week or so. so i did, and just acted as if i had all the time in the world. after all, a week or two wasn't going to make a difference, and i could clear my head. i gained some clarity and i ended up confronting my boyfriend, and telling him that he and his boys had a lot to lose by losing me, and he had to decide if it was worth it. i told him that maybe in a couple of years when the boys are older and we're settled in a bigger home that i won't want to go through having a baby - but maybe i will.. and by then, things will be calm and bottom line, i want to be the one to make the decision, not him. part of his reluctance is just because he felt "done", and part is his history and not having faith. so i told him he needs to trust me on this because i haven't let him down thus far, and his boys have only benefitted from me in their lives. i have talent in areas that neither he or his x have. i needed to have the confidence to tell him that and believe in my self. so to that, he told me that if it meant that much to me and the situation was right, he would reverse his vasectomy for me so i could fulfill my dream. we both were in shock from that and i know he's scared, but now that's he's agreed, the urgency has diminshed, and i feel like this huge black cloud has been lifted, and we can progress into our future happily....

To BUGS: Hang in there. I know this is tough to go through. I often times find myself with the same feelings of utter hopelessness. I cry, get angry, become bitter and get resentful. This forum has helped. I find it does help to lean on others who are going through the same thing. Unfortunately, I have no friends or family members in the same position to lean on. If I hear one more time "you KNEW before you got married that he didn't want more children", I'm gonna scream!!! He KNEW before we got married that I DID want children. Why doesn't anyone ever defend me on this? I have yet to run into any woman (or man for that matter) who can honestly say that they regret having their children. My husband even says he loves his son tremendously and does not regret having him. I think it's so very frustrating to see men enjoy their previous children so much and yet have no regards in the fact that they deny us that same privilege.

To HURT: oh my goodness! I thought my husband was the only one (aka - big jerk) who thinks I just want a baby because other women have them. I can't completely appreciate your anger on this one!! He tells me that I want one because "society tells women that having children is what we should do". It's not because I really want one on my own accord, oh no, apparently I'm not capable of coming up with such an inclination on my own. Oiy....if I didn't love him so much..... ughhhhhhhh

Well, obviously, this is one of those "bad" days for me so I going to quit ranting or I will end up consuming the whole page. If any of you would like to contact me directly, I'd love to chat more via email and maybe via phone. I think it really would help to have a "buddy or two" to lean on and I'd love to offer my ear in return. Any of you can contact me at longing4achild@yahoo.com

Hang in there everyone... you/we are not alone! :)

It is so refreshing to hear that I am not alone in how I feel. My husband and I have been together for 10 years, married for 3 (we waited till I finished college to get married). We both have wanted kids from day one, in fact he wants 4 kids. We recently moved from Las Vegas to California in efforts to be closer to his family and start our own. He told me before we moved that after we were in CA for 6 months, we would start trying. Well, we have been here for a year now, and he keeps finding some excuse not to start now. He told me that I needed to build my savings account to a rediculous number that will take me a minimum of 5 years to get there with they way that he spends money and my parents said that they would gladly give us the money. then he said we needed health insurance, and now that we have it, he is now saying that the money in the bank does not count becuase we did not make it ourselves and that he needs to finish his college first. He has not taken a college class for over two years now and it will probably take him 3 years if he starts now to finish it (but I am sure that even if he did that, he would find some other excuse) He has not been affectionate (emotionally or physically) and had not even spoken to me for about two weeks now. Over the past few months I have tried not talking about it, but it seems like every one we are with brings up the subject. I have tried to act like I don't really care anymore but that just makes him upset. It makes me feel better that I am not the only one to go through this. I LOVE Him so much and would do anything to make him happy, but this is slowly deteriorating me.

I have just found this website and need someone to talk to regarding this subject - you guys seem like nice people - I am from England and I'm having the same problem as everyone else - I've never done this kind of thing before so I'll wait and see if this message works before pouring my heart out - take care

Hi Charlotte - this forum does help, I think, at least a little bit. It's comforting to find someone to chat with who understands first hand what you are going through. From my experience on here thus far, this seems to be a wonderful, supportive and sympathetic group of people. I hope you'll feel comfortable in sharing your story.