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Hi Charlotte - this forum does help, I think, at least a little bit. It's comforting to find someone to chat with who understands first hand what you are going through. From my experience on here thus far, this seems to be a wonderful, supportive and sympathetic group of people. I hope you'll feel comfortable in sharing your story.

Thanks for replying 'longing4achild'.....At least I know you guys are really out there - this is honestly the first time I have written to a forum/chat room , but this is a subject so close to my heart that I really needed to. I think that part of my fear of writing my story is that I feel like a fake writing my story as I already have two wonderful boys aged 8 and 5. However my need and want to have another baby I feel sure is as strong as it can be. My two children were 'accidents' in a way - unplanned - my first was two months into the relationship and the second was conceived on our wedding night - but we were living in Holland at the time and it was really difficult as we had no family and friends with us - we do have the most adorable, kind and generous children and my husband feels that I should be happy with that and I know that I should feel the same - I WANT to feel the same - but I can't stop wanting another baby....There is a constant ache in my tummy - a hollow feeling that is there all the time....another baby is the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing I think about at night. It's not - like a lot of people think - that I want a baby girl - because I would love to have another baby boy - to me it is the 'baby' aspect that I want - and believe me - I know how hard it is - not just labour but sleepless nights etc.. Even though I've been through that incredible pain - I would willingly go through it all again for the sake of another child. I've just typed this without stopping to think - so if it doesn't make sense then I apologise...it's just the way I feel...I wish you all good luck in starting you're family and I do realise how lucky I am to have my two children - thank you for reading this - I think I know how you all feel to a certain if not lesser extent - take care and much love...Charlotte xxx

hi everyone, wow thanks for all the replies. i just wanted to mention that i turn 35 in 2 wks and things have not improved. my husband still does not want kids, and won't even talk about it. he says "you'll just get mad" when i want to talk about it. i am really at a loss. i don't know what to do. i'm too old to leave him and start a new relationship. we have been together for almost 15 years. i just don't know what to do.
charlotte, yes you are lucky that you have 2 children. some of us don't have any and feel like we never will. men will NEVER understand, although thanks ron for adding your comments. i can't make my husband understand. i am afraid i only have 2 choices: leave him or accept his stance on this. either way i lose.

thanks for listening.

Dear Mars - I think you need to weigh up how much you love your husband against how much you want kids - I am tied to my husband because of my children - and rightly so as I wouldn't want kids with anyone else - but you are not and if he is denying you the fundemental right of all women to have children then is he worth staying with? I feel so wrong to be in this forum because I have kids - I can't tell you - all I know is the ache to have another and that is what I need to express and talk about - to other people who feel that hole inside - I don't expect sympathy in any way just an understanding of feelings which men don't seem to understand.
love Charlotte x

I am so glad I found this site. I am completely depressed everyday because my husband does not want more children. He was married before and has 2 daughters 19 and 22. This is my first marriage and I want to be a mom. I am 32 and he is 42. I am so jealous of his relationship with his girls because he won't have a child with me. I am embarassed to admit my shame. Now his 22 year old daughter is pregnant and I have to watch him look after her and be happy for a grandchild. I feel like I am dying inside. I am a Christian so divorce is out of the question because God would not want me to do this. My fear is that I will run out of time to have a child and end up resenting my husband for the rest of my life. I have even suggested that he could give me a list of 10 things I must do, or must not change into, etc when becoming a mother to ease his concerns. This has not changed his mind. He tells me he does not want to start over and he has been waiting for this time when they would be old enough to care for themselves. The answer does not make me feel any better and I feel like I have this emptiness that won't go away. I do not know what to do myself?

For some of you it seems like you should have found out before you got married wether your dh wanted kids or not. For others it seems you thought they did then they changed their minds without any concern for your feelings. I feel for you. I can't imagine how awfull you must feel or the awfull decision you probably feel you should make and are to afraid to. I think we all have hard issues we feel need to confront and can't bear the idea of doing so. But at some point you have to ask yourself "can I be happy living like thi?". If you haven't been happy in months, what do you think will change. What's the point of being with someone if you're not satisfied or happy, no matter how much you love this person. You only have one life, do you really want to miss out. I don't mean to offend anyone I hope that I don't. I apologize if I did. I just really think we should live life to the fullest and know we put our happiness first.

To Ellie Baby: No offense taken as we are all free to speak our minds openly here. It's helps to have different perspectives. That said though, I have to believe that you are not in the same boat as the rest of us as you obviously either already have a child/children or do not have the desire to have any. It's so easy for someone who's not had to experience this heartache to look from the outside in and suggest we live with it or leave our husbands. Why? Why should we have to make a sacrifice? We are unhappy and sadden by not having a baby, but we are very much in love and in happy, committed relationships with our husbands. We are not miserable from the marriage. That part is wonderful and exciting, day in and day out. But there is also that side of us that yearns for a baby and given that we love our partners so very very much, we want this with them. We wonder why we can't have both this man that we adore, who is "the one" AND have the child we've been longing for. We don't feel we should have to sacrifice one for the other. Leaving our husbands and going off to have a baby with someone else or on our own does not assure instant bliss. We are just trading which half of our hearts to satisfy. We want to feel wholey complete. People are so quick to jump and tell us to make the decision or like it or leave it. I ask those who are out there who already have a wonderful, amazing marriage to the love of your life and you have a child you adore - if you were forced today to walk away from one of them, cut the ties completely and move onto another life, which would you pick? Ahh.. so being mom's you will jump to say your child. It's pretty easy when it's just a hypithetical isn't it? Well, let's throw this in there... what if choosing your child was what you do but in doing so, you never find another partner and you are alone in that sense and miserable and facing heartache for your husband who you loved dearly but can no longer see, and you struggle day to day with that emptiness of not having the intimacy and love that only 2 can share? Do you want that life? Do you want that life for your child? So what do you do? Put the child up for adoption and choose your husband?? Hmm... now that you think about it.. not a choice you want to make either, is it?

I have to agree with the statement about "why wasn't it discussed before marriage?" I would never settle with someone no matter how much I love him if he didnt want to have kids . I know many of you are going through a very very difficult time but I am puzzled about that question.

Actually your assumption of me is completely wrong. I do not have kids and do want kids very much. And my boyfriends who I have went thru hell and back just to be by his side, did at one time tell me that he doesn't want kids right now and after a few years he would not want kids. So that basically gave me a very small window. In fact it seemed like kids for us might not happen at all. I stood my ground and told him "I've done everythring possible to be with you and make our relationship work, but it's not fair for you to deny me the opportunity to have kids of my own because you already have kids" I love him so much that I just cannot imagine denying him of anything that would bring so much love, joy, fulfillment. So if he loves me like I love him why would he do that to me. I can't accept that. I am not asking for materialistic things, this is LIfe. It hurts just to imagine my life without him. I've tried before and could not do it. But if it came between him and having a child, it would break my heart if he put me in that position in the first place. Which he kind of did but I put my foot down fast. I want and need kids. I wanted 3 but if one is all we can have then I will be more than happy with that. I said we all have choices to make because like or not it's true, that's life. I am not trying to steer you in any direction. I've made some very difficult decision in my life. But if you do what is right for you, how can you regret that. No one is going to look out for you better than you. That is my point.

longing4achild, I was not trying to personally attack you, so I don't understand your anger. If your husband told you that if he didn't do, have or accomplish something that his life would feel fulfilled what would you do? Would you do to him what he is doing to you? Forget it, I do wish you the best.

EllieBaby: I didn't feel personally attacked nor angry. Very sorry if my reply came across that way. I intended only to post a viewpoint. Sorry to hear you are in the same position. I'm interested to hear how it's turning out now that you put your foot down. It wasn't clear - have you left him and are now seeking a partner to have a child with or are you together and he's agreed to have one now? I haven't been able to bring myself to leave my husband in pursuit of a baby instead. I'm very interested to know how that turns out for women who do. Keep me posted and best of luck!

I told him I loved him and that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, but I could not go thru life without being a mother. I told him that if he made me choose, then a would leave him. I was scared and I know it would have taken me years to get over him, if ever. But for me, there would be an even bigger void in my heart if I could not be a mother. I am pregnant now and he is very excited. I've gone thru so much in my life, that I know I can eventually get thru anything and know that I need to not be afraid to speak up for myself. Don't get me wrong I give in on a lot, I know how to compromise. But I know what I need.

I am in a similar situation. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years. We have been talking for a long time now about getting married, and he has known since we met that I have wanted to have at least one child. But there was one issue.......he already has children and has had a vesectomy. Of course that was an issue in the beggining, but he said he was willing to have a reversal because he loved me and knew it meant a lot to me. Anyway, he just got promoted and moved 2 hours from our origianal home. I told him I would not go with him unless we got engaged and he promised to let me have one child. Well, Im here.......I moved. I've been here for 1 month and last night he tells me that he will marry me but he doesnt want children. I left my job, my family, my friends to come here with him. This is the 3rd time that this has happened. We have the discussion, he says yes, I can have one, and then a few months later he says he doesnt want one now. I dont think I can marry him and except the fact that I will never have the opportunity to be a mother. I can not help raise his children and not ever get to experience the real thing for myself. Is it selfish of me to expect this from him? He is a lot older than me so his age does effect his decission....hes almost 40.

Hi Butter..it's never selfish to want a child nor expect to do so with the man you adore. I'm sorry you are in this situation too. It simply breaks my heart that there are so many of us dealing with this. In one way it's so comforting to know that others are going through the same thing and there is someone to lean on and share with. On the other, I find it a bit life affirming to the fact that so many men are this way that it's becoming more and more apparent that leaving them may likely only result in meeting another man with the same childless desires. Hang in there Butter... I'll keep you in my thoughts and wish you all the best in achieving both your dreams with your boyfriend.

I really thought I was alone until I started to read this forum. I have been married 1 year, and I am ready to have a baby. My husband on the other hand is not. He makes up so many excuses. We just bought a big enough house and he just got a good job with lots of chance of advancement (I also work, at an OB/Gyn office to boot!) We always said that we would have children. A matter of fact, when before we were married he use to tell me that he could not wait to get me pregnant!
He also has 2 children from a previous marriage. I have always had a problem dealing with this subject. She has a connection with him that I do not. I feel so rejected that I don't know what to do. I want to share the most beautiful thing in the world with my husband, all I get from him is excuses why we shouldn't. I want us both to be equally excited about having a baby together. Why should I have to look at 2 products of him and his ex every weekend when I have nothing of my own. I am 34 and I feel like I will never be a mom unless I trick him like she did.

Wendee- as for what you wrote in the post you started. Yes this is a support forum. But how can you expect people to support such awfull feelings you have towards your husbands kids. These are innocent children who are not at fault for anything that your husband and his ex did. This was before you. By the way, yes it is better to be married before you have kids. Just because people have kids without being married does not make them bad people. You should take advantage of one of your next sessions with your therapist and talk about this issue. That will make your husband have to open up about this and it will good for you to hear what she/he has to say about your feelings. That is the most qualified person to help you. But don't expect people to be supportive of your feelings when you seem to hate your husbands innocent kids, just because they are not yours. That's just wrong.