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I understand how you feel. I was the wife left by a husband sent overseas and left with our children. Military life is hard enough without added drama. The military family center prepares you for many situations but never the big situation you least expected. After my husband returned from overseas and I discovered the affairs we separated. That was 4 years ago. I started dating a wonderful man who I worked with. He was an amazing friend. After 3 1/2 yrs I became pregnant unplanned and same thing happened as you stated only he is in state. It was hard going through preganancy alone without support. I know military wives go into labor everyday without their partner, but often times their partner is thrilled and would choose to be in the labor room over being gone overseas on duty. They have emotional support. The truth is everything you feel is so normal and you are not the first to feel it. I understand how one minute you think rational (BF vs. fatherhood) and the next it just doesn't make any sense. I do not know if you have heard the song by Nelly and Tim Mcgraw "over and over again". I must have listen to that song and played the events of our reationship a million times. I wondered how could he tell me we would still be waking up together and enjoying each other if only I did not get pregnant. I was told there was never a women like me..... I did go thru labor alone and he was so cold I sometimes wondered if he was the devil himself. He would say I only have one daughter and that is my only child, don't call me when your in labor I will not answer the phone, do not name this baby after me..... He was so mean. This was the deal for me: I had to stop thinking of the bad things and think of the person I knew. I had to truly become more involved in church. I grasped every inspirational word and prayed like never before. You see I could not hate a man who gave me such happiness and in my heart I knew what a good person he was. I had to forgive him for me. Not for him but for my own health and mind. I truly to this day forgive him. I have never called him names or thrown in his face the things he said and did. I always encouraged him to be the man I know and not to allow a situation to control him. I then took time to understand how he felt as a man. Not saying it is fair to us, but I needed to understand how he felt. Taking the time to understand how he as a man felt helped me to be rational. As much as I needed him to hear me, he needed me to hear him. It is easy for both the man and the woman to become selfish within our own thoughts, we want the other person to understand our thoughts. This is a major life responsibility. We see an innocent child, men see a child as eighteen years of childsupport, did she get preg. on purpose to keep me, they say if you did not want a baby why are you having it... You know him and your relationship. Keep the faith and believe in him to do the right thing. Always be positive when you speak with him and allow him time to do the right thing.The last thing he wants is to feel is forced. My baby is now 5 months old. In the beginning his father did not care, it was horrible to say the least. It was hard to stay focused and to keep the faith. I cried a river until there were no more tears. But in my heart I knew what type of person he was. My friends said I was setting myself up, he has told you he wants nothing to do with you or the baby. My friends said what do you not get. He has told you he will never acknowledge this baby. I always said I have faith in him, I know him I was with him 4 years (he left me right before 8 months preg). I became secure with my feelings of faith in him. I let him know I have faith in you and believe in you, I will not disrespect myself and go out with other men to allow you justification for your actions. My son needs a father to be his coach, to teach him how to be a man... In my case by taking the time to understand him and why he is the way he is allowed me room to forgive. His father left his mother and his father ran the streets, had children with other women and he wouldn't know who his sibilings are if they walked by him. This is what he knew as a way of life. Some days I am so exhusted other days I know in my heart what I believe in to be true. Over the past 3 months he has been coming around. It is not easy and some days I want to quit and it seems like it would be easier to stop believing in him. He and I go out without the baby and then we also spend time the three of us. Just when it seems like he is truly in here and we are on the right path, he backs up. But little by little he does more and more with me and the baby. For example in the beginning he came to my home to see him, later he took him to his apartment and introduced the baby to his cousin (his family still does not know), then eventually he went shopping with the baby and I to buy clothes we cooked out. Recently he and i went out, for the first time since Nov. he actually put his arm around me, took me dancing, he held my hand and catered to me. A few days later he offered to spend the night to get up with the baby - he has not done these things before. Then he and I spent some together last weekend. Yesterday he flipped again saying he just has a hard time because he feels I did him wrong by having the baby, how am a true friend by hurting him with a child a did not want and we should not be sexual. Even though he said he hasn't been this happy and had that good of a time (when we went dancing) in a long time. He still says he knows I am good to him and a good person, he just feels I did him wrong by bringing a child into it. It really hurt for him throw it all back up, when things were so nice. But his mindset says if she did not want the baby she would not have kept it, his heart knows what a good woman I am. His mindset says "I told her i would never be with her again if she had the baby and I am not backing up on what i said", his heart enjoys the friendship and pleasures we give each other. I want things now, but if I truly have faith in God I have to let things work in Gods time not mine. Look how far my sons father has come and even my friends said to give up. If I would have accepted the negative behavior from him him and walked away, he would not be involved. But i never gave up. I have had faith in him this far, why quit having faith now. I know in my heart of all hearts he is very stubborn, but if our friendship and relationship ever meant anything he will come around full circle. Today is bad day for me and that doubt factor is coming into play. I feel like telling him if you are true and not ashamed of your son then let your 8 yr old know she has a brother and let your mom know she is grandmother stop using time as an excuse -Grow up and be man. But for me to say that would have the opposite effect and he would all together back away. He would feel forced, with him how I say things and timing, knowing when to say the correct thing is what works best. People say you should tell his mother, but he would back away even more and be resentful. He already resents me me for having the baby. I can not force him into something he did not want, but I also can not force myself to not care about how he feels. I will know when and if time has done all the work it can and when i know I will be okay with the end results. I tell myself to look how much far he has come from where we started since i became preg. to now. He takes one step forward and themn two steps back then he takes two steps foward and one step back.... each time he comes around and does something more significant than last time. To answer your question: "has he dated other people but came back to you and now your happy?" He has come back just not full circle time heals and yes I am happy that my patience and faith have paid off in many respects. In the end it is you that knows in your heart what type of person he truly is. Ask God for strength either way it goes it is hard, but with faith Gods plan will be revealed. I tried to let you know my background of military and also my situation to hopefully inspire you to trust your heart. Trust what you know to be true. I tell my sons father "more of God and less of you". I can reassure you that you will be a wonderful mother and that you will be fine. You have a good head on your shoulders keep it and do not be hard on yourself when have self pity moments or moments that you feel you just can't make it through day, because you can and will. If you give me your email I have a little note i would like to send you and you can talk to me anytime you would like on email. Keep your head up high, have faith and strength. Please let me know how you are.

To d: I'm positive that a lot of woman here are either in your position right now or have been. A lot of different ladies here have different experiences, some worse than yours and I feel this is a great place to share your feelings and ask questions. Let me ask you, is this your first child? I'm guessing so, and is it your bf's first child? If so, it could be that he's scared, nervous, and had NO idea how to react. It sucks that men can just say "I need some space" and up and leave, when us women can't do that. It's so easy for the guys to be able to distance themselves from reality, but for us, it's virtually impossible. Maybe what you should do is just TRY your best to stay positive and give him the space that he's asking for. I know it totally sucks, but what else can you do? I mean, if you pressure him by constantly crying and begging for him to just come back, you might end up pushing him farther away. Let him decide what he needs to do on his own, this way he might come to his senses and realize what he's giving up (you and the baby). I do understand how you feel, and I can relate to your depressed feelings, constantly crying and feeling a sense of uncertanty for your future because my bf and I broke up for some time 4 months after we found out I was pregnant. It turned out he was cheating on me BIG TIME!!! It was awful, I cried, I begged and pleaded with him to not hurt me this way, but it wasn't working. THe more I became upset the further away he seemed. I know I had every damn right to be upset, but I also knew that if I wanted to make things work, I had to go slowly....anyways, I remember crying so much at night, one night my mother called and she noticed something was wrong, she asked if I was okay and I just started to bawl on the phone with her. I told her what was going on and that I was so scared and that I loved him and that I wanted everything to just be OKAY! She was upset at what he did and how he was acting but she said "If it's meant to be, it'll be but remember, don't try to MAKE IT be" she also said that a lot of guys tend to not realize what they really do have when their partner is pregnant until the baby is born. She reminded me that maybe once the baby arrives he'll have a change of heart and realize what he'll be giving up. Maybe this is the same for your bf. Maybe once the baby is born he'll realize this gift that he's blessed with and come to his senses. All I can say is just try to hang in there. I know it's hard, I still go through some rough nights of crying but you have to remember that you really NEED to start bringing in some positive energy in your life before your baby comes. The last thing you want is to welcome your baby into your sad and depressed state. You need to be strong for your baby and you also need to realize that your bf's behaviour should be the LAST thing you should be worrying about once that baby arrives. You don't have time for that kind of stuff. If he wants to be in the baby's life and come back to you guys then GREAT! If not, then that's his loss. He needs to know that it's time to get real NOW. If he can't get real now, then he can't get real later. That's exactly what I said to my bf and I think he really took that to heart. Well, I hope so anyways. Good luck and remember, just pray, be strong, hold your head up and SMILE! You're having a baby!

First thank you so much for replying!!! i'm so confused and torn up inside that i dont even know where to begin to bring myself out of this hole. i dont know how to deal with all this. i CONSTANTLY think about him, miss him, want him back and i'm tired of that. i want my thoughts back and to say to hell with him. i know i need to have faith in him and trust in him but he left me and is probably going to walk out on our child too. how can men love you, you were the best at everyhting and then leave you when they find out your pregnant? it' s so hard. oh the story gets better....i come back from overseas and i'm getting stationed on the West Coast and he's on the east so it will be hard for him to see the baby. i wonder if he would ever bond with him. I know i have to seperate these issues but do you think that he would ever want to be with me again? he told me that he sees himself with me in the future just right now he cant do it....what does that mean? wait on me while i go get with other people and i'll come back? that's stupid and nieve of me. i just really need to know either way if there's hope or not. i do love him and want to be with him but at what cost? How do i possibly get out of this hole that i'm in? what helped you girls? oh and i feel horrible about this but i'm not all that excited about having the baby. my doc and friends say it's completely normal especially when it's unplanned(i was on birth control for 4 years and still got pregnant). i'm not giving up my baby for anything and i dont wish bad things on him but how do i get happy about it? there's so much stress going on that i really just have no starting point or know how to begin to cope with everything. sorry for all the rambling but there's a million things going through my head. i hope everyones day is going well. oh and mil life my email contains my full name could you send me yours and i get ahold of you that way? thanks

email myangel95@hotmail.com , please email me, what branch of the sevice are you in?

First you asked if we think he'll ever want to be with you again? Well, I don't think anyone can answer that. Maybe he does and he's serious about what he said, but only he knows the truth. The thing is, if you want to stick around and wait it out to see for yourself, then do so...but just remember that if you choose to do that, it's going to be a long and lonely wait. You say you want to know if there's hope and that's fair, but indications of hope will arise on it's own. If you keep hope of one day rekindling your relationship, then there ya go, there's some hope for you. But if you sit in your room and cry all day about what has happened, you're not going to see any hope at all. I suggest what you do is, carry on with your life WITHOUT him, for the time being. I know that's easier said than done, but seriously, you really need to start looking after yourself and finding those steps to get yourself out of this dark hole, no one can do it for you. What helped me?? Well, I'm not entirely sure that I've been helped 100%. But I guess I'm almost there...I think about how selfish I'm being, worrying about my wants and needs for this so-called messed up relationship when I should be starting to worry about the wants and needs for my baby, which will be here in less than 2 months. If I'm sitting at home crying all day and night, being depressed, not eating properly, my poor baby has to pay by lack of proper nutrition because it's said that when a mother is in a depressed state, the baby doesn't get the proper nutrients that he/she needs due to the change in hormones during a depressed time. The health of my baby is 100000000x more important that trying to mend a messed up relationship. I can only do my share to fix it and the rest is up to him. I also wanted to say that it's very normal to not feel excited about having this baby, especially when you're going through something like this...When I first found out I was pregnant, I was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO happy, I got excited about shopping, picking names, I was always rubbing my belly, smiling, hugging my bf....But when shit hit the fan, I became depressed. I didn't feel so happy about having this baby anymore, only because all these problems were now put infront of me. I was more focused on my sadness taht I couldn't find any bit of happiness anymore. I became scared, thinking to myself "I NEVER wanted to bring a child into this world as a single parent" I began to hate my bf for putting me in this position...so obviously, how could I have felt happy about this pregnancy....But, eventually I realized how unhealthy that was, and how I should really feel blessed that God has given me this wonderful gift and this AMAZING opportunity to create life. As soon as I realized how selfish I was being worrying about my own wants and needs, my outlook on everything began to change. It's still changing. Although I love my guy to death, even though he hurt me and I do want to have a relationship with him...I now know that if it doenst work out, so be it. I can do this on my own. =o)

d..I was married at the age of 19 and had three kids with a man that was always travelling and I mean ALWAYS. It was the most dysfunctional relationship in that he wasnt at any of the births. The first 2 times he was out of the country and the last time he dropped me off a the hospital before he took a flight to texas.I got used to being by myself with minimal help from him. You just get used to it.
Now this baby was unexpected. The father someone that i had known for 2years but wasnt in a relationship with him. I fell pregnant and for the past 6 months he refused to participate in the pregnancy. When we did talk it was always a lot of hard words and to be frank I closed him out. I said fuck him Im not going to have him make this pregnancy stressful and hard so when he emailed me or called id miss the call or delete the email. A few days ago I emailed him letting him know how the baby was and letting him know how i felt about his actions, he emailed me with the subject asking me to read so i did.
I was really surprised by what i read. He was basically saying that if he is the father then hell will be there for me and the baby no doubt but a lot of stuff happened to him in his life where he didnt trust anyone and he asked me to not hate him but try to see it his way. I do see what hes saying. I can understand why he wants to be sure this is his son..not easy to accept but im a big enough of a woman to understand and happy to know he will be there for us ...and he will be. One thing about him is he is a real stand up guy; he mentioned getting marrried..I dont want to get married to him for a baby but i wont restrict him when it comes to his son. Ok so Im dealing for 3 more months alone and it will hurt. But you know what I have three kids with a man i was married to who doesnt send money nor speak to the sons that were raised with him. Life sucks a lot but one thing i learned was you gotta have faith and there is nothing more sweet as seeing your baby smile at you. Its hard not but it wil get easier..Promise!

D - check with your family center or the appropriate dept. see if your orders can be changed to accomodate your situation. Military has a high divorce rate, focus on the family has been high regard recently. The military does not need to know the problems just the fact that you are with child by another military personal, lived together, and would like to be stationed near the father to allow him his parental rights. If presented in a manner that you are trying to keep a father and child together dispite the fact that you are not married, the military may try to accomodate and issue new orders. If you don't try you will not know. Set aside from the emotional roller coaster you are experiencing, you truly have more support than many women in your situation. You have the military that provides family services and they will make sure you get your support. The military does not look highly on men who do not provide for their families. I guess what I am saying is you not only have programs that exsist in the civilian life, but also programs provided by your miltary installation. You have additional resources that are not available to non-military. Stay strong and hold your head up high.