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well, seeing him even as friends seems to be the problem. you're right. it does sound like he wants to live both lives, but you can't let him do that. you need to tell him that he's gotta be the father to your child or leave and don't come crawling back. i really think stopping seeing him would be the only way. it'll be hard, but once you have the baby, you'll have enough on your mind to keep him out of it.

Sorry Teddy I didn't understand your advice....He IS trying to be a father and friends with Colleen.... The problem is that Colleen still has feelings for him...which I guess only time will cure. Do you have anyone to help you the first few weeks after birth...?

Hello Colleen,
Your situation sounds horribly similar to mine. My due date is June 2nd so baby could come any time now. My partner and I had been together for over 7 years but when i fell pregnant he left me at 9 weeks. Within weeks he'd got back together with an ex and called me selfish and childish for not having an abortion. I'm 33 and know that I would have regretted doing that for the rest of my life. Anyway i was adamant that we should do our best to stay friends and with time we seem to have managed it. He's no longer with the other girl but he doesn't seem to want me back. I've moved away to be nearer my family and am now 3hrs drive away. We visit each other often at weekends and get on really well. I still love him and feel so lost and lonely without him, I guess it's better to be apart and not arguing but right now it doesn't feel like it. The closer I get to having this baby the more confused and scared I am. He let me down badly when I needed him most but I'd still take him back - that makes me feel foolish and week.

I'm hoping that with time I'll get stronger and learn to cope without him, I know I can do better and find someone who will treat me with the respect I deserve. I'm just finding it hard to let go. I still think it's better for our son that we stay friends I guess for me it's going to get harder before it gets better. It's daunting facing motherhood alone but we have to be strong for our own sakes.

I'm here if you need to have a moan, it's kinda comforting knowing that others are getting through a similar situation.
xx

I too am in a situation almost identical to yours. Only difference is, I'm due in 10 weeks and he told me himself that he was "talking" to someone. I keep telling myself it's the hormones that keep me emotionally attached to him. But then I wonder what will happen when I don't have the hormones making every decision for me and he's actually visiting our daughter. Seeing him more often is going to hurt, a lot. It's hard enough to see him now, knowing he doesn't want me but settles for less than what I could give him. I actually have no advice for you because I still don't understand it myself. When one of you ladies figure out how to cope, make sure you get in touch with me.

colleen i know it sounds kinda harsh but you can't force a guy to love you and want you to be his girlfriend over the sake of having a baby together. you seem to blame him a bit for not wanting to have a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship with you. it may well be that you get on really well but he obviously sees it as just a friendship thing and nothing more. it must be really hard to hear that he is seeing another woman/women but at the end of the day colleen its better that he is only with you for YOU and not with you for the sake of the baby. he would only end up resenting you further down the line if he felt pressured to have a relationship with you. my advice would be to not do any chasing after him. if you want to see him for a friendly outing then so be it, but remember that although it might seem ideal to you to be with the father, its not what he seems to really want. you would appreciate being with a man who loves you for you and isnt with you because you have a kiddie together and he felt forced into it. good luck!

Skyeblue is right, he IS trying to be a father and a friend but I DO still having feelings for him...unfortuantly. And Cat, while I appreciate all your rationality, getting over a breakup with someone you still care for is hard...but when you are raising their little baby it makes things even harder. But I do still understand what you are getting at. Anyways, I am so glad to hear from lornylorn and meowmeow paws since it sounds like you can both completely relate!

ladies... i am in the same boat as well.. just saw my kids father on friday riding around with his supposed ex... well after bitching over and over he finally told me the truth that he is with her (after lying to me for 3 years).. sometimes things happen for a reason.. and some things are just not meant to be.. be happy for your beautiful baby and it will probably be easier if you give yourself a lil time to get over him - which is prob best done without seeing him.. i am 11 weeks preg and my emotions are running wild.. feel like i cry more than i am able to take a breath.. But i do hope things get better for all of us :)

For the ladies that have read this and replied, I have a question. What happens if things don't get better? I keep hearing that things will be so much better after our babies are born but what if they don't? What if we still feel strongly about our baby's fathers especially when we see them being fathers (in some cases)? I've been told to hang in there for a couple more months and then I'll be the happiest person alive when my baby is born. Obviously, I think that part is true but will I still have him running through the back of my mind? I really hope not to care about him this way some day but it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel sometimes.

meowmeow paws: I know EXACTLY what you're saying. All this time I keep hearing "Just wait till your little angel comes and you'll feel much better." Well I know I'll be extatic to meet her but I'm a little skeptical that it will help me get over my ex! Especially since he IS going to be a big part in her life. I'm gonna be faced w/ seeing him holding, loving and caring for our little girl and I don't see how that can do ANYTHING but make me love him more! I mean, so many mothers describe how much more they fall in love with their hubby/partner/whatever when they see them with their baby....who's to say this wont happen to us? Who knows...but one thing I do that helps me is repeat the Serenity Prayer anytime I'm feeling low "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference." Basically, I tell myself the only thing I have control over is making myself the best person I can be and hope that also will equate to having someone loving in my life eventually. Hope this helps.

Colleen, you explained it perfectly. You seem like a really sweet person. Well, all of you seem so sweet and genuine that it's hard to believe your baby's fathers aren't willing to work on things with you.

Not only am I worried about how I'll feel once I see him with our daughter, but I also worry about our reactions towards each other as soon as I push her out. You see that in the movies, that's the time for hugs and kisses and "I love yous." What happens if I'm so caught up in the moment that I'll possibly try that and get turned down, ruining a good experience? It's possible that in my situation, none of that will even be an issue seeing as how he hasn't called to check up on things in a while. Of course I think it's because of the new girl. Which is out of character for him but apparently I don't know him as good as I thought.

As for consuming thoughts. They're shitty. Point blank. I know what it's like to obsess so much over what they're doing or who they're with that eventually you feel guilty for not thinking about your baby instead. Maybe we should all give up trying to get them out of our heads and just let it flow. I'm sure a lot of you can relate to daydreaming like I do. Mostly when I lay in bed is when I'll make up an entire conversation between him and I in my head and that conversation always works out in my favor. Or how you wish they would just pull in your driveway, get on their knees and admit how weak they are. Then there are the real dreams. Where everything is perfect again only to be woken up in need of a potty break:/

Something a friend said to me last night was, "at least you haven't killed yourself." That makes a lot of sense in knowing that I'm stronger than I think. That's probably the thing I pray for the most. Strength. I'd probably get on all fours and bark like a dog for hours if I knew it would make me stronger in this situation.