Lost, Alone, Depressed, Can't Stop Crying

New to the forum? Sign Up Here!

Already a member? Please login below.

Learn and Discuss About...

3 posts on this thread and the last post was on October 7th, 2008 5:10 PM

There are currently 4837 members logged in.

LostandAlone - October 6th, 2008 1:03 PM

[Original Post]

I guess I'm one of the few in here who can't rail on Father-To-Be. He has a heart of gold, he would give you the shirt off his back. He's never raised his voice at me, always encouraged me to be my best.

And yet, his Achilles Heel is his addiction to Prescription Medication after four knee surgeries.

We've been together for 6 years, he's been through rehab twice. And he's bee in a Methadone Clinic, NA, and we've been seeing a counselor for the past 4 months (since his last relapse).

And now I'm 10 weeks pregnant. And he's relapsed again. And through all the begging and crying, through all the pleas for me not to leave him - that he wants to be a part of the baby's life, he wants to be at all the doctor's appointments, he want to watch his child being born...

I cry about the fact that in the long run, how can you be a father when your first priority is the drug and not your baby? He needs help, he really does. I've encouraged him to go to a year long rehabilitation, or move back in with his mother for a while. To get on his feet. To beat this disease on his own... But he wants to stay in the house and prove to me that this time is different than the endless stream of empty promises.

I'd like to think that if he were an asshole, it would be easier. I'd like to think that if I had any family around it would be easier. But, I think I'm just lying to myself. And I can't help but be jealous and wonder what I did in a past life to deserve this when I look at all the happy family pictures of my friends. All the proud fathers, all the happy mommies and daddies and babies. And I can't help but feel destroyed that I won't have those pictures.

And I'm pretrified about going through this alone. But, letting him stay is letting him relapse yet again, letting him again skip out on the consequences of his actions, and again letting him not do the right things to finally get help - if he ever can get help. They say prescription pain pills are almost impossible to kick. It's a life-long addiction, it's not all his fault (it's his fault for giving in again, but not for the knee surgeries that caused it), and I cry when I think about how he can't stop crying about losing his child.

And I can't stop crying when i think about not having him in my life. And I can't stop crying when I think about how I don't have faith that he'll ever be able to overcome this addiction. And I can't stop crying when I think about the fact that my baby will never know his or her Daddy. And I can't stop crying because I feel sooooooooooo alone.

stefkay - October 7th, 2008 3:25 PM

Hi, I'm not even sure why i was compelled to read your post...I usually check into the infant care forum now or the pregnancy loss board becuase I had a long history of miscarriage before the birth of my daughter in july. At several points I thought me and her father would split so I've read here before. Anyways, I feel your pain as I've been on both sides of your situation. I can say that when you love someone so much and also bring a child into the situation it is so very hard to just let them live their life and make their own mistakes because now it affects you and the baby. I am happy to share my experience now that I've come out on the other side, but I myself am a recovering alcoholic and addict. I got sober through AA (after trying everything else) from alcohol and never had a problem with drugs until I had surgery and was prescribed vicodin. I became almost instantly addicted to the stuff along with percocet and similar meds. I didn't heed the warnings that having had a previous problem with alcohol that I shouldn't take pain meds. There is something in the addictive persons brain that reacts differently to these medications than that of "normal" people. You are right in that it is not his fault, but he also has the choice to do something about it. Often it takes a lot to get a person to really do what they need to do to get sober. 12 step programs work beautifully if the person attending does EVERYTHING required to get sober. It's a lot of work and most people don't have the stomach for it. It's not just about attending meetings, there's so much more to it. Anyways, you probably have been told more than you want to hear about enabling, and yes, you are doing it. You keep him from hitting a bottom that might finally open his mind to recovery once and for all. Sadly, more often than not people with addiction ARE very good people at heart and that is why it is so heartbreaking for family and loved ones. For me it took almost dying of liver failure from an overdose to finally be completely clean and sober. Its been a few years now and my life continues to improve drastically. It does happen, so have faith and what might help you is to look into either Al Anon or Narcanon (I think that is what it is for NA, but I'm not sure)--it is really good support for family and friends of alcoholics and addicts. Good luck to you and take care of yourself and your precious little one :)

brandie922 - October 7th, 2008 4:18 PM

My brother is an addict. Not to prescription meds but to crack cocaine. Now, I'm coming at this from a family member side. stefkay is completely correct. The more you allow him to stay there and be part of your life the more you are enabling him to continue. There are no real consequences to his actions. My brother is a wonderful, kind hearted, intellegent man but he is controlled by his addiction. My mom was his enabler until I finally got it thru her head that she was not helping him. He got out of jail (stealing from Walmart to get drug money) and mom told him that he could not come to live with her and to not call her for money. She did this one time before and it broke her heart because he kept promising her everything she wanted. So this time she has stuck to her guns and so far there has been a slight change in him. I told her to not stop praying for him and to not let her guard down. He has broken her trust and he has to earn it back.

Now his children have suffered. Both of them have different mothers and stay with them. His son will soon be 18 and he hates his father. He cannot understand how he let his addiction come between them. Now his daugher is 15 and loves and adores him. She knows that he's addicted but has all the faith in the world in him. He has spent more time with her because him and her mother were together longer.

Basically what my advice to you is, make him hit rock bottom. Kick him out and tell him that until he is drug free and stays that way that he cannot be part of the baby's life. It will hurt like hell and be tough on all of you but he's got to realize that there are consequences to his actions. It may be the one thing that gets him on the right track.

Hope that things work out for you and him and the baby.

Skyeblue - October 7th, 2008 5:10 PM

How sad how sad. And how true the last 2 posts are. My brother is a heroin addict and has a 4 year old he has seen only a handful of times. He has lived with our mom the last 10 years when he is not in a rehab or jail. Every addict needs an enabler. My bro has our mom who will financially bail him out of EVERY situation. He has hasnt had a job in 10 years and does is not responsible for a single expense (doesnt even pay child support) I have tried so hard to open my moms eyes to her co dependent ways and how her taking all his responsibility as her own that he will never change. Well 10 years later, he hasnt changed and neither has she. The have become two peas in a pod who now need one another to function. With out my mom, my bro is nothing and without my bro, my mom has no purpose. As brandie said, the addict has to hit a rock bottom IF there is any hope in change. Stefkay almost died before she woke up. It is so so sad and really nothing you can do. I am so sorry.

Pregnancy Info HOME