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this message is to "me too". Does the wife of your baby's father have involvment in your childs life? I'm in the middle of a battle with the father of my child.. we are going to court at the end of the month.. he refuses to see his daughter b/c his wife wants to be involved in visitation.

dear madison1118,
How old is your baby? Are you fighting for the wife to not be involved? If so why? I ask because I went thru a huge ugly drawn out battle regarding the wife and her actions and so forth towards me during visits. I know she has contempt for me and that is understandable, but we did court, mediation, and now court ordered therapy and I continued to insist that she stop the dirty looks, stop trying to push herself into a situation that is not hers to control. The father was trying to shove down my throat that they were going to be co-parenting therefore I had to deal with her. The reality is I do not have to deal with her, I don't have to address her, she is to respect and support the decisions the father and I make and that is the only role she is allowed. Sharing your child with another woman is tough, just as knowing she is going to have a role labeled "step mother" is extrememly difficult but if she is not going to harm your child in any way and does not pose a threat to your child then the courts will allow her to be present as long as the father is. If she displays inappropriate behavior such as disrespecting you, using the visitation to hurt you etc. then there will be limitations of course but you cannot prevent her from being around your child as she is married to the father. I went thru the father using visitation time to make a point to his wife that showed her he was doing what she asked. He was not allowed to speak to me without her around, he was not allowed to be around me without her present etc. What it all comes down to is that whatever is best for the child will prevail. I fought long and hard for this, and it is just a couple weeks short of a year that this has been going on. We actually go back to court next month as well as mediation next week, and the court ordered therapy the week after. So as you can see my battle continues, but at this point it is no longer about the wife and her disregard for what is best for the child, it is the father and I. I can and will share with you anything that can be of help, I was always told it would get easier and more often than not I felt that would never be true. But as time has gone by I have been able to focus on my daughter and continue to fight for her needs, but also accept she has a father who also has rights and I cannot control what he does just as he cannot control what I do. Have you gone to court regarding custody yet? I have physical custody and that is a big deal as that means the child is with me almost all the time and I am the one who knows what is best for her and what her needs are vs. her father who only sees her a few hours at a time and is very selfish regarding his family at home and what he will give to our daughter. I hope this helps, I hope to hear back from you and wish you luck as you struggle through this. It is a very tough time, and even though like I said it has been a year I remember all to well how it all felt and how far I have had to come to ensure my daughter is first and foremost not the issues her father and I have/had.

i'm kind of in the same situation as you apart from the older bloke i'm seeing isn't married but has 3 children and a gf! you was right to go to his parents, you don't deserve to go threw it all alone, just be careful and make the right decision, best wishes sweetie take care xxx remember your baby is the important one now not the married man, it's his choice if he wants to be part of the babies like or what you can't make decisions for him,and thats what im going to do if the babies father wants to be part of their life then great, if not there isnt really anything i can do and your the same, anyways take care xxxx

me too - if you don't mind email me from your personal email address. kristen44992003 at yahoo.com. I have a few detailed questions. thanks!

Ive been seing this guy for over a year. I thought he was my dream man and i guess not apparently!. He left for his home country for a month last year and said it was due to a close relative being ill and called me everyday. Everything was fine when he got back and he told me he loved me and all that ...bs.. My friend was surfing a site and found his wedding pics he married his gf of five years which i had NO idea about. I just found out im pregnant. He cant be around because his wife is moving here and well..hes married. He also lied about his age quite a bit and some other things. I have no family or friends here and live on my own. I feel so alone and lost right now i dont know what to do. I have been very for a long time and am having trouble with everything.I dont want to give this baby up or get rid of it but i dont know how ill get through the nights alone. I am just over the age limit to qualify for youth support...Please help :( I dont want to wreck anything for anyone.

he wants to keep our baby a secret and cant help me out what do i do?

Dear Me Too:
i am so glad you have taken the time to write in this forum. Without giving out alot of sordid details, I also am pregnant by a married man. I thought I was the exception....in some ways I still entertain the idea I am. I am in my late30's and this pregnancy was completely unplanned. I have three children, 15, 12, and 7. My baby is due in late July. The bottom line is I love this man. He loves me also. It is like a sad cliche', except his wife is the stepmother of his children and apparantly, they love her deeply. I don't know what to do...for the 4 or so years we have been together I have allowed myself to think we would eventually be married. He has allowed me to live under this assumption. I am broken. I want him yet I know that we will not be together. What will change after 4 years? And then there is the baby. I am so sorry that she is going to be born into this situation. If we are no longer together, how do I tell her? He is not planning on divulging this piece of news to his family. Should I just break this off completely and never tell her the circumstances? I don't know if he would even hear of it. Speaking of rambling...I have so many questions and no answers. I hurt for myself and my children, born and unborn. Please don't judge me, I am able on my own to perform this.

I don't know why you would blame yourself if he does anything to himself.He knew what he was doing when he was cheating on his wife with you for 2 years.And then he left you because you would not have an abortion you we're his play toy because he is bored at home,but had no intention to leave his wife.don't worry about this man think about yourself and your child he is a grown man he knew what he was doing.

does this informative forum still exist?

dear intoodeep, i don't know what happened with this site but i used to be notified via email everytime there was a post or reply and would then know when someone wrote me. until today i just figured the site had taken a dive or whatever, i see your post was dated march 15 and that your baby is now born. if you are still out there feel free to respond i don't mind at all. hope u r doing okay!!

You knew you were messing with a married man so why did you have to take it to his wife when you got mad? I do not like women or men like you. If a woman was with my husband for two years knowing he was married and then came to my house to tell me because she was mad at him, I would beat her a-s! Go get in a hole!!!!!

I believe that when you know that the guy is married why would you cut someone elses grass no matter what type of marriage they had, there is a difference between comforting him and opening your legs for him. I would putmyself in the wifes shoes, and their childrens shoes because to you it's all about 'poor little me' unfortunatley there are children involved, and i especially feel sorry for a unfaithful married mans children, knowing tat daddy didnt love mummy enough because he had another baby with another woman. Its actally quite sad, i feel for all women who get in this situation because not only are you hurting but so are others. its a shame how selfish people can be sorry but thats just my opinion baby juice

That's a tough situation to deal with. But the only remedy is to file for child support, so that atleast you can be financially secure. Then go and get some couseling (which no one has recommended)!! I almost had a baby by a married man twice (and my story is completely different from most on here too). I think getting some "talk theraphy" doesn't hurt, because there is some what of a self-esteem issue that is lacking on women that choose these types of relationships. Sometimes your brain and emotions won't allow you to do the right thing. And you never know there could be something that has happened in your life that has allowed you to think it's okay to waste your time with someone that not only treats you less than the woman you are, but does it to the woman he had the nerve to make a "promise" to under God.

I came across this discussion doing a google search. It's comforting to know that I'm not the only one who fell for a married man's lies. My daughter is 5 1/2 months old...and her Sperm Donor is still married. I've been with him for SEVEN years. I bought into his lies for seven years. I broke up with him countless times, but he always pulled me back in. He'd make me feel sorry for him--or he'd threaten suicide; said he couldn't live without me.

In August 2006, I moved into a new house and we had a fight about when he was going to move in. He said "in the next couple of months"....oh, but I had heard that a time or two before. He said, "Lets have a baby." ARE YOU CRAZY? NO WAY! He got mad at me. A day later, I cooled off and he said, "Getting pregnant/having a baby with you will be my way of proving my senserity to you. It will prove to you that I'm going to leave my wife and move in with you." And I bought it. Due to medical reasons, I didn't think I could get pregnant. So, I figured, "what the hell--it's not gonna happen anyway." Less than a month later, I'm pregnant. When I got pregnant, that's when he realized our relationship was a sin. Apparently, it woke him up and pulled him out of the fantasy world he'd been living in (that's what he told me). Now, he's seeking counseling from his priest, with his wife and they're trying to work it out.

Long story short, he's still with his wife. And he wants to be a father to our child. I wish he'd leave me and my baby alone. He knew I didn't want my baby with his wife. I drove by his house one night when he had my daughter and caught both cars there. I knocked on the door and demanded to have my child if his wife was home. The wife was peeking through the window. I asked if I could talk to her, she shook her head no. (I just wonder what he's told her. Maybe he told her it was a "one time thing"...maybe she doesn't know it's been 7 years). I hate the thought of my daughter being around his wife!! I don't understand how he could present our Lovechild to his wife. I don't understand how the wife could accept that. Damn, she must be as stupid as I am.

So, the Sperm Donor and I have an agreement--he takes Lily but he is NOT to go near his wife with MY daughter. When he has her, I do drive-by's to check where the cars are. For seven years, he's told me what an awful mother she is to his son's. I'll be damned if she's gonna be around my daughter. And....she's jealous that she never had a baby girl; she's always wanted a baby girl. Damnit....Lily is MY baby girl and his wife can keep her paws off my daughter. Ugh.

He told me on Thanksgiving that I wouldn't have to worry about it much longer, that he would probably be living alone. "I guess that's what I deserve" he says. I looked at him with no sympathy and said, "That's what I got. I'm a working single mother because of you." The only reason Lily exsists was to prove to me that he was gonna leave his wife, and he's done the complete opposite. She has forgiveness in her heart for him and thinks MY daughter is a doll. She blames ME for everything. Blames me because I knew he was married. (I'm pretty sure he knew he was married too). Yeah, this situation is a complete cluster phuck. But, as long as he keeps MY daughter away from his wife...I won't have too many panick attacks.

Seriously, how the hell could he present our Lovechild to his wife? How could she accept that? She has no rights to MY daughter. If I catch him taking Lily around his wife, he will see the biggest b*tch this side of the Mississipi.

Yes, I know I did wrong. So the hell did he. But, his little world is exactly the same as it was....and he gets visitation of Lily. I on the other hand, get to be a single working mother--take care of the house, Lily's laundry, bottles, etc etc. It irritates me to NO end that he takes Lily around his family....people I've never met. She is MY daughter and I should have every right in the world to know who she is around. But, nothing is legal, we're just trying to do things in a civil manner.

Any woman in this situation? Having to hand your baby over to his wife? Not knowing any of his family, knowing your child is around them? OMG. I eat Xanex...and it still doesn't help. Ugh. I'm going to raise my daughter to hate anyone with a penis, I swear.

FYI guys! mama bear already had baby bear by now. They either worked it out or he stayed with Golilocks. Read the dates... This dates back to 2005. :)

Dear Lily's Mom, I have dealt with similar things you have described and can share my experiences with you. I can reply here in length or if you would like you can email me and ask me questions that way. Either way is fine, and I hope I will be of some help to you. I have been able to talk to others myself and found it very helpful.
Sincerely, Me too