Pregnancy Info HOME

I am 43 years old, and I have been dating a man for the last few years, whom I have known for almost ten years. We had been talking about getting married, but we both have family responsibilities, and in an effort not to disrupt our children’s lives, we decided to put off marriage for three more years until my younger son graduated from high school. Last August, I discovered that, despite taking careful precautions, I was pregnant. Neither my boyfriend nor I had taken steps toward a permanent solution to birth control. I was sure that I was not ready to close the door on having another pregnancy, and he said that he would not “rule out” having another child. Since he is a very devoted father to the two sons he has, and since he had decided against a vasectomy, I had expected that he would support me in the pregnancy.

I was totally wrong. I had thought that we shared similar family values and common goals, so I was really shocked. He wanted me to have an abortion. He told me that if I had the baby, he did not know if he wanted to have a relationship with me or it. He was angry at me when I told him that by law he was responsible for some child support. He said that by having the baby I was putting the baby first rather than the relationship and not giving him a choice about being a father. It got really ugly.

I told him that we did not necessarily have to get married; that I could have the baby and we could live separately, but that I hoped he would be supportive. But, he insisted that if I had the baby we should be married and live together despite the disruption it would cause our older children. After going back and forth, and many efforts to convince him that we loved each other and that we could love the life we had created, he agreed to support me and make arrangements to live together and raise the baby. I was very happy, and really thought that everything would work out for us.

Then I miscarried. I was devastated. All I could think about was how to put everything back together. I thought that we should follow through with our plans and try to get pregnant again, but I feared that he would not want to do that. As I feared, all of our plans came to a halt. I had to have a D&C after the miscarriage, and because he had a meeting scheduled during that time, he did not come to the hospital with me. He was angry at me that I had not been able to schedule the procedure during a time he was free. The day of surgery, I was exhausted and taking pain medication, and could not see him. He was angry at me for that. The following day, when I was feeling better, I called him and he told me that the most likely scenario was that we would not continue to see each other anymore. After talking on the phone for eight hours, I drove myself to his house in my pajamas having not yet recovered from the D&C and again, tried to convince him to stay together.

At this point, he wants time to think everything through. He has asked me for ten weeks to decide what our plans should be. I understand that he needs time, but I don’t know whether I can give him what he needs, or that he can give me the peace of mind that I need. I told him that this last episode has taken a tremendous toll on me, on my confidence in our relationship and on my self esteem. He thinks that I am being unreasonable to try to decide anything so close to the time when we have been so upset. My feeling is that if he loves me and is ready to get married, we would go through with the plans we had made. But, I don’t think that he is able to commit to marriage or having a baby, and therefore we won’t be able to make each other happy. At 43, I do not want to continue to wait. My grandmother, mother and sister all had children in their 40s, but I know that it gets harder and harder. I would very much like to try again to have a child. Any opinions?