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this whole entire pregnancy has really been the most stressful thing i have ever experienced in my life... and im not just stressing about my baby... i was with this guy for a year and a half... he broke up with me on new years day... said he wanted to be alone for a while to make himself happy blah blah blah... couple days later i find out from his best friend that he had been cheating on me with this girl he worked with and they were together now... and since me and him were still going to be friends, best friends, after this break up i decided to confront him about it.... thats when all of this shit started... i dont know why but knowing that the one man i have ever loved could jus throw it away and act like it didnt matter at all hurt me sooo badly.... i ended up starting to throw up... and everytime he got me upset i would throw up.... but ne ways... this started a very bad pattern of me trying to keep him in my life, accepting of what he had done and his faults and sitting there idly... i ended up with an eating disorder after all of this.... but yea... so me and him had gotten back together twice and bother times he cheated on me and got back witht his other chick... and it didnt matter what i did, he kept getting back with her... so i finally started to move on... found another guy... but as soon as that happened he wanted me back... begged for me back cried to have me back and stuff.... well we got back together (this is when i got preggo) and then i was like... im not doing this again... not til i know for sure that u dont have feelings for this chick ne more... so this time i decided to end things on my own terms... we were remaining friends and what not.... so ne way... a little backround on this girl when he met her she told him she was 18 (she was really 16) and he was her manager... this girl had a history ( like a slutty one) that would surprise ne one a 16 yr old could have... but he decided he could look past all of this... even tho when me and him had gotten together he couldnt even look past the fact that i had been with one other man.... ne ways... she cheated on him a bunch of times, and without fail has told him everysingle month that she is preggo.... but lets get to the stress part i found out i was preggo in april... told my ex that day.... we waited to tell my parents until may because i didnt know how they would take it... i mean the considered him a son and a part of the family even tho we werent together but i knew they wouldnt loook fondly on the fact that we are not together.... so we told them and my dad i think wanted to kill him... because im his little girl knocked up and he doesnt wanna take responsability for it.... but i didnt wanna "trap" him either cause he was with this other chick and there was nothing i could do... welll really there was... but i mean i wasnt willing to throw away me and his friendship or lack there of... but yea...things were hard with that for a while.... i still had my eating disorder and morning sickness... and i ended up loosing a lot of weight.. my family and him were stressing me out... my parents always bring up the fact that we r not together... that i am a dissapointment... that they wasted there time with me... ect ect... and i cant leave my family is all i have right now... and they realize what they r saying is stressing me out and killin me on the inside but they dont stop... ne way my home right now isnt very condusive to this pregnancy... and i would go stay with my ex in his apartment... seeing as i helped him get it and all... but his little gf is living with him now cause she told her rents she was preggo again and she said they kicked her out so she has to live with him now or move to AZ... although he told me yetsreday that she got her period and was lying again about being preggo.... but i wouldnt ever go to his house ne way with her there cause this girl haas threatened to kill me and my daughter and she says she will have people kick my ass... but now that im 6 months and she actually believes i am preggo shes like jus wait til that babys out u will be done... and so needless to say i dont like this girl... and my ex knows about her threatening me,.. he has talked to her bout it and stuff and told her to stop and that its childish... and he tells me not to worry cause she wouldnt do ne thing.. but still i feel like i shouldnt have to deal with that at all.. the girl harasses me everysingle day calling me a hoe and what not threatening me... and i jus dont need it... and like i dont know i keep thinkin i should have the father out of the life... cause he already has a 3 yr old son... who i take care of 5 days a week even tho we are not together... because he trusts me with him and because his girlfriend is not allowed ne where near her... and i mean i dont mind watching his son, because he's like a son to me and i love him... but its not really fair to me to have all the responsabilities of being his girlfriend without being his girlfriend... i mean i still do the grocery shoippiong and all of that shit for him ....but i dont know how to detatch myself from that ... and my mom is now flipping out on me everytime i help him out or hang out with him... and its jus soooo stressful for me... and my mom says when the babys here he is not allowed to come over... and im not bringing the baby to his house cause that girl will be there plus it will be like the middle of winter .... so i am not risking it... and me and him talked bout this.. and before he was living with her and before my mom hated himwe were going tio work it so that we could both still go to college and he would watch the baby while i was in class... but since he cant come to my house or i his....that wont really happen so i guess now my education has to be put on hold.... which really sucks... cause im a sophmore in college at st a's college... im taking a full course load right now... but i would hate to have to stop my education.. cause i will need that to be able to provide my daughter with a good life.. anyways i really dont know what to do... i want to move out beecause my mom is driving me insane... and i know its partially cause sh loves me... but she is like a dog with a bone and she is never going to let this go (like last night she flipped out at me and goes im not the one who got knocked up and doesnt have a father blA BLAH BLAH) ... but i know i need the support of my fammily (specially my dad and my brothers) but i just dont know if i can deal with all the stress... i dont wanna be crying myself to sleep every night... and thinking all i am to my family is a fuck up ... and i know if i really needed to i could get state aid and stuff and move out on my own.. i mean i am working 30 hours a week... and going to school full time.. but i dont know how ne of that will work when i have the baby and i cant work... and i dont wanna have to live off the state either i wanna be able to support myself and my daughter... and as for things with the ex i dont know what to do either.. i ahve asked him many times jus to go on a break with this girl til after the babys here and things settle down... but he wont do that and doesnt see why he shouldnt be allowed to be happy... well not everythings about him, and he should be taking responsability for his actions and helping me out right???? i dont know i think there is more of me venting then there are really questions... but yea i jus need advice or someone to talk to i guess.... i jus turned 19 couple days ago and im scared as hell bout this pregnancy .... but hopefully things will work out and ill have a beautiful baby girl right.... o and ontop of all of that they moved my due date back to when the originally thought it was which is nov 18.... which means she will be here in 10 weeks not 13 ... and i dont know why 13 seems better but it does... 10 is too soon.. id otn know what to do ,,,
some more i should add.... o yes ontop of all of this... the babys father has said some pretty messed up things.. like when i found out i was pregnant he was ;like your going to take care of this right i was like???? hes's like get an abortion.... he's like ill pay for it... and believe me i tossed and turned over this decision... because i had always thought i would be able to have one if the time came and the situation was not right... but knoing that there was a life alive inside of me i couldnt do it i just couldnt... and so he resented that and said things like go fall down a flight of stairs and shit like that ... which did not help my stress at all.. and one of the many times this chick has said she was pregnant he has had the audacity ot tell me he wanted the baby with her... not my child... and she sits there and makes his life with his baby mommas so that he's going to have to choose , cause she wants to be the center of his universe... she has made it so basically me and his other babby's momma are asking him to choose whether he see's her or his children... and it wouldnt be this way if this chick wasnt a total and complete nutcase to us and threatened us... so it is jus this huge mess.... and she makes it seem like its our fault and that she would never make him choose and she loves his kids and wants to be around them... but i dont trust her at all... plus she goes around telling people his son is hers... and that is jus not right.... i dont know ... it's all confusing... but i thought i would add that part too... and this chick has now convinced him that he needs to get a paternity test cause im a hoe and he cant trust me... i was like u know what u can have ur paternity test... i dont care i ddint sleep with ne one else im not like that and u should know me better than that... and if thats what its going to take for u to take responsability for the life u created then so be it... but i jus think its messed up... like he's almost trying to copp out of it or something.... ok im done now
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