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I Know This Is Long, But Please Read. I Need Help.

2 posts on this thread and the last post was on April 20th, 2009 8:32 AM
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angelinakai - April 20th, 2009 7:48 AM
 [Original Post]

My life is really getting out of control and I am not sure what to do about it. My hubby and I moved back to our hometown to be closer to my parents when we decided to have children in 06. Ever since the day I came home from the hospital with my son, my mom has been REALLY smothering me. It was to the point where my son... who is now 19 months has no nap schedule, i had to hire a housekeeper to clean my house bc mom requires so much attention that I can't get anything done at all at home. She has no close friends and no hobbies and does nothing outside of the home. So my son and I were her only focus away from dad. she said that she didnt have time for friends bc she had to "take care" of her husband and "kids". i am almost 30 years old and me and my 3 brothers all moved out at 17. Then, dad got cancer in Oct 08 and passed away in March 09... 7 weeks ago. We were very close and his death has hurt my whole family deeply. so now, I am dealing with losing my dad, trying to take care of my mom, my husband and my 19 month old, and on top of that I am 5 months pregnant. I hang out with my mom every day and talk to her on the phone when I'm not with her. i haven't been cooking, cleaning or doing anything to take care of my husband and son, much less myself. Mom has a physical disability and has to be in a wheel chair 85% of the time.. so that makes all of this even more challenging. I do not know what to do. I don't know how to live my own life and take care of her. It has gotten so bad that my husband thinks that I need psychiatric help. I just want to live my life and I have not been able to since I had my son... and now, of course, it's even harder bc my mom is all alone. I have 3 brothers that live in town, but they know how to see mom once a week or so and still live their lives... I don't know how to just let her be alone... my conscience just won't let me. Please help me! I need advice very badly.

MNMOM - April 20th, 2009 8:26 AM

First, I am so sorry to hear about the loss your father. I really cannot imagine the pain of that. You sound like a wonderful mother and daughter! Give yourself some credit for that. I really do think you cuold benefit from talking to a counselor or trained professional, maybe your pastor/clergy member? You have a lot going on, trying to help your mom, grieve for your dad, raise your son, plus just being a wife that is pregnant takes a lot out of you! It sounds like you really need to regain some control and balance. Put yourself and your family first.Explain to your mom that you need to do this. Implore your brothers to help more with your mom, spend more time with her. Does your mom have a church or a circle of friends that she can rely on? She needs a bigger network socially than just you, that is too much pressure for you to have to be everything for/to her. Your mom could probably use a professional to talk to as well, I bet she doesn't even realize she is "smothering" you. None of this is going to be easy or happen overnight, but you can do this. Be strong. Put your family first, your son and husband need you, and you need to feel connected to them as well ,not stretched so thin.

Wellis10 - April 20th, 2009 8:32 AM

Speaker Phone, It is the greatest. I would put my mom on speaker phone and do dishes and laundry and so on. I would also let me son talk to Grandma. She loves talking to him and he loves talking to her. or you could hint around by saying things like, "Mom do you think you could handle ****(baby name) for a couple hours, I need to run to the store. " or "mom, ****(hubbys name) and I need some alone time, can we talk to you tomorrow or Wednesday?" or " mom, I know you have enjoyed your grandson, but I am still adjusting to having a new baby and being back home, I think I need a little space. I am pregnant again, and I am feeling overwhelmed" or "mom, do you think you can watch **** so I can get some house work done"