No Baby No Boyfriend I WANT REAL MATURE ADVICE

15 Replies
Demi - November 23

im 17 my boyfriend is 18. weve been together for a year now. we love eachother so much. cutting a long story short, last night, i phoned him and we talked as usual, then brought up again a subject that i thought had passed, children. he asked me how much i wanted and i said about 7, cause i want a big family and so does he. anyway, he said that he wanted a baby next year, and i said no bcause i want to pursue my career and be financially secure and live some life first. then he sais "why wait? we both are inlove, and a baby will make sure were never apart". i said to him it sounds like a baby is just an excuse for us to stay togeher. i mean, i thought our love was stronger than baby based. anyway, he wont budge his decision and neither will i. i prefer us growing as 2 and then eventually getting marrid then have children. i mean whats the rush i said to him, and he sais that he just takes days as they come. he hasnt got a job, he has no ambition, he doesnt know what he wants to do, but still he sais i dont need to worry, he'll provide for us. i understand his view and told him that but he doesnt seem to understand what i want. anyway, i said no and he sais its my fault if we break up because i should have a baby. so i should drop everything so we can have a baby? he kept sayiing he'll find someone else to have a child with, but then said he as angry and stupid for saying that. it feels like he wants a baby more than us. i would love that too but he just doesnt care. any way, he broke up with me last night, im upset, so upset. i mean im questioning if he realy loved me, why could'nt he wait? he thought i didnt love him enough to have our chil. he blames me. u know what? i feel guilty an di know i shouldt. i love him and want him back, but if i do then i'll have to have a baby and i dont wnat that. it be for the wrong reasons. we always said we were meant to be, but this is the most stupidist reason for a teenage brekup ive known of. agree? im torn, help!!!

 

Melissa - November 23

Demi, you are doing the right thing. If he loves you then he would never threaten you with "if you don't, I will find someone else to have a baby with". Thats just ludicrous. Also, it sounds like he may have severe security issues if he says "having a baby will make sure we are never apart". Babies should not be used as toold for a relationship. I don't think he understands that babies will grow up to be people. They don't stay babies. Also, if he has no money or job prospects, then forget this guy. My other always says there is nothing worse than a lazy man. She's right, they never get rid of that laziness, and unless you guys win the lottery or come into a big inheritance, he'll always have you guys struggling to make ends meet. And lastly, you are simply too young. But you sound bright and BELIEVE ME, there are better things (and better men) waiting down the road.

 

Bonnie - November 23

Wow. Demi, you sound incredibly intelligent. I'm sure that he is hurting you. but...of course, you are 100% in the right.He doesn't seem to have to much of a grip on reality and you would be the one stuck picking up the pieces. Emotional blackmail never makes for a good relationship, he needs to grow up quite a bit. Just stick to your guns, you most certainly have it right. Good luck! :)

 

carol - November 23

Dear Demi.I understand you are hurting at the moment,most people go through life,and at some point in their life break up with someone,for whatever reason.Honestly,if you had a baby with your boyfriend you could resent the fact forever,feel like he used you to get what he wants,feel like you have missed out on opitunities because you are tied with a child too early.Also you have only been together a year,you don't really know each other deeply,I mean past the wanting to please each other,and focus more in depth.Have you seen another post where a 17 I think she was,had a baby,is on her own,and feels like she missed out on life?Her friends at uni etc etc?It is on the forum somewhere.If your boyfriend really loves you,then he would wait.If you were anything like me,I would deliberately see if they are worth it by waiting,I tested my man.Also if you give into him,he may expect it all the time on other matters.Don't be a waster like other teens,have a life,a baby will be something you will love,I'm not saying you won't but have one for the right reasons and at a time that is suitable.

 

Demi - November 23

thnx melissa, bonnie and carol. i need as much help as i can get. i just cant believe its happened. To carol, u say wait, u tested your partner, what happened?

 

Bonnie - November 23

"If your boyfriend really loves you,then he would wait." I have to agree with Carol's statement there as well. My hubby and I have been married 7 years. I've been desperate to have a child for the last 5 of them, but my DH wanted to wait longer. I am now pregnant after him finally being ready. It was hard for me to wait, but because I love him I would never have forced him into a situation like that. So I waited. And in all honesty I am glad I did as we have had plenty of time alone together which we won't have once the baby comes :D lol

 

Bonnie - November 23

P.S. It wouldn't surprise me if your b/f comes running back to you. To be honest, he seems a little immature...no, a LOT immature. It's kind of like a little kid throwing a temper tantrum to make you suffer since he is not getting his way. You will probably have to make the choice of whether YOU want him back at some point. I wish more people your age that come to this Web site had your maturity level. Good luck Demi, I hope you feel better soon! :)

 

Demi - November 23

thnx Bonnie. i needed an example. ive seen you around this site and ive always liked you because all the answers and advice you said, id seem to agree. but truly thankyou. exactly what i told him, hes acting like a spoilt child who cant get his way. if its anyones fault its his, he has no patience at all. im welcome for any more answers and advice you and others can give me. thanx to everyone.

 

*X* - November 23

Wow. I say let him go find someone else to have a baby with, if that's what he really wants. If he loves you, he'll be more than willing to consider what you want out of life and respect it. Definitely *don't* have a baby just because he wants you to, especially if you know you want to do other things first. You've only been together for a year, and that's really next to nothing in the grand scheme of things. In addition, you two are at an age when you've still got a lot of growing to do (as silly and fuddy duddy as that sounds). As much as you are in love now, you could easily find out over the next couple years that you want totally different things out of life.

 

thnx X* - November 23

thnx *X*. I really appreiciate ur advice. its true what your saying, he should be willing and understanding. but hes not. its so hard, i feel like im being used.

 

*X* - November 23

Well, you obviously know what you want, and the best thing you can do is be true to yourself. I look back at when I was 17, and I'd have told you that my bf and I would have babies together and that we were in love. 10 years later, we both realized that we wanted completely different things out of life and had been fooling ourselves for the last 5 years or so of our relationship (we're still friends, btw, but we don't talk very much anymore). Fortunately, we never had any children together, which made it easier for us to split. I'm now with the man of my dreams who I have never, ever had a single doubt about. For me and for many other people I know, the time from 17-24 years old was the period of the most growth, which is why I always tell people to wait until they're at least 25 to have kids. You and your bf both will likely be very different people 5 years from now than you are today. Anyway, I didn't mean to preach. Good luck to you. I hope he comes to his senses.

 

marcie. - November 24

demi,everyone is in agreement,I think you are very wise to follow their advice.I too would say,be patient,don't rush in,if he loves you he'll stick around.How would you feel if you had a baby then found out all he wanted you for was to have a baby,you would feel hurt,and trapped with a baby you love,but a man you do not.at the moment you have no ties,and should be finding out about each other its only been a year,not long enough really to say you want to be committed for life,especially if he is already trying to be demanding.I too,did as Carol did,"test my husband" as she puts it.For me it meant,keeping him waiting,on many things,he wanted us to get married,many years earlier,but I was not ready.Honestly,if a boy/man really loves you,then it is the most magical feeling,they will do their best for you,help,support etc,if you have one that is interested in themselves,or you are not on commen ground with each other then you loose respect and love for each other and one moves on,give yourself time to work that out.My love for my husband grew deeper,because I realised that,without sounding...daft,but he would do anything for me,and me him,but that sort of emotion,is what the true meaning of love really is,a lot of people think they love someone,but they don't.For example,if my husband,went blind,came out in a load of blisters on his face,in otherwards became "different"to society,I would support him,and still love him.That is an example I can give,to show you the depth of care.When you think you are in love,it is when you enjoy seeing each other,but everything is young,there is no pressure of kids,which is a pressure because your attention goes elsewhere,you have no pressure over financial things.However,when the going gets tough,if you even think about splitting up,then you are/were not in love at all

 

carol - November 24

please follow the advice given wisely,marcie made good comments,as well as others.When I said "tested"I mean decided that I could'nt come out on a certain day,this and that,not be too keen.You asked what happened...we married.I think these teenage girls getting married,having babies are very foolish indeed,they have not allowed themselves time....time to grow up,time to know a person deeply.Marcie's reply was very,very true.There are many that say they love each other,but faced with examples like those,they would be gone.You answered your own question on whether your boyfriend really loves you.I am confident,that if my husband or me could not have children,we would still stay together.If you told your boyfriend you could not what would he do?....exactly.You are not deeply in love yet.

 

Demi - November 24

thnx *X*, Marcie and carol. its true, i do no what i want. im still cinfused and shocked. but im gonna wait and see what happens, if he calls mme or text, or apoligises, or changes his mind and realises what hes losing. he was saying i was losing him because i didnt want his child, but hes losing me. the last thing i said to him was thanx for breaking my heart. i dont want him to feel guilty, but thats what hes doing. hes my first love.

 

Bonnie - November 24

I think it's pretty rare to end up with your first loe as well (though I know sometimes it does happen). My first real love ended at age 18 and I was completely gutted and heartbroken. I feel terrible for you as to this day I can still remember how miserable I felt. It defnately was not a good time in my life and I didn't even have the urge to get out of bed back then. But I did move on and it did finally get better. Sometimes I think we have to go through that kind of pain in order to grow, though I know that wouldn't make you feel any better right now. I dated a lot of guys after that, but I will always remember my first love. I didn't meet my husband until I was 28(thought I'd never find the right one) and we've been together 7 years. Just try to remember that even if this doesn't work out for you, you have soooo much time. When you think about it, most people live until their 80's which means you don;t even reach a 1/4 of your life until 20. You sound like such a smart girl and I think you are totally making the right decision. It's a shame you have to feel so bad though, I hope things get better for you soon! :)

 

Demi - November 25

thnx bonnie and everyone. yes i know that 1st loves sometimes dont work out. i still and always will love him. he does love me, hes just confused and taking it to far. but ive told my self that if he doesnt contact me back soon thn i'll fone him and see if hes changed his mind and grown up, if he hasnt, then i have to except that were too different and want different things in life and ill just have to move on. but i am feeling much better thanx. i havent cried once since that night when he dumped me which was about 3days ago. i ont fel bad or nufin, actually, i havent been thinkin about him as much as i did when we were together. its weird. im thinkin this must be my way of coping. i would of thought that i'd be crying for days on end. i dont even feel heartbroken, maybe because i know its not my fault and that i still belebe he'll come back to me sooner or later.

 

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