UNSUPPORTIVE PARTNER

17 Replies
d16mond - July 16

Hi everyone, I'm now 12 wks, unplanned pregnancy. My partner does not want this baby, he wants me to have an abortion. He thinks Im selfish to want to keep this pregnancy. I'm not aloud to talk about it cause it upsets him. He is 35 owns his own home, has a job. I'm 26, I already have two kids, but they live with my mum. I asked her to have them two years ago, as I was very unwell after I left my ex who use to abuse me. I had PTSD. I see my daughters as much as I can and Im much better now I am planning on getting them back in the next year or so, whatever is best for them. I want to keep this pregnancy but my partner told me if I do I have to move out. So Im looking at doing this alone, I know I can do it I have done it before. But it still feels unfair. I understand where my partner is coming from but I can't just do what he wants cause I have to do what is right for me as well. Im scared. Anyone else with similar partner problems?

 

Hayls - July 16

Hi there. I'm 24 and this is my second pregnancy, I'm only 6 weeks along. However, I already have a 12 month old boy and I didn't really plan to get pregnant again so soon after. My boyfriend and I wanted to leave it a few years so we could get back on our feet financially and perhaps buy a bigger house. Since I found out I was pregnant i've had mixed feelings. On one hand I'm really happy but I'm just scared I won't be able to cope, I'm already finding it a struggle with one baby. Also I don't think my boyfriend was over pleased about the news and even though I know he'll support me I think our relationship may suffer when we have two very young children. Anyway good luck and lets hope it all works out for both of us.

 

d16mond - July 16

Thanks Hayls, have a great week :-)

 

d16mond - July 21

Hiya, I think its going to be ok, we talked and he is ok with us keeping the baby. I think he was just scared, and unsure. :-)

 

mama4_3 - July 21

well its not really the same situation- but it is in some ways. Im 23 and 9 weeks and also have 2 kids, a seven year old boy and four year old girl. My son is from a previous relationship and my daughter is from my current partner. Now my situation differs because i dont know that i can stay with my partner because he is irresponsible and doesnt have a job and hasnt had one for over a year. were currently living in seperate houses because we had a bad split up ( he was using drugs and the relationship got abusive ) and STUPID me got pregnant at what you could call our "process of trying to make it work" I love him, weve been together for 5 years- but i just dont see how this can work with a lazy selfish mamas boy anymore. I do things on my own financially already- im just scared to be alone now especially with 3 kids- I dont know what to do.

 

Tammy276 - July 21

It sounds like your BF is the selfish one. It is selfish of him to tell you he wants you to get an abortion. If he didn't want kids, then he should have used protection! You need to do whats best for you and if you ask me, it sounds like you are better off without him anyways.

 

Cindy Johnson - July 22

I feel sorry for you. I understand that you don't want to have an abortion. I can't sympothize with you not raising your other children though. My sister abandoned her little girl and my parents adopted her and she is now 6. She has suffered so much from this situation. My sister lives a block away and comes and goes all of the time ,which I think makes her feel better, but not her little girl. She tells people that her mommy doesn't want her. I think it is a shame when people have children and then just dump then on others and then keep getting pregnant. My sister was in an abusive relationship too so don't give me that stuff. How can you give your kids to your mom and then end up living with someone else who obviosly doesn't love you or he would want a baby with you? I just don't get it. If you all can't take care of children, why don't you get your tubes tied?????? You really sound a lot like my sister. You always end up with losers too. It just makes me ache inside, because I know how the children hurt from these situations. What ever happened to birth control? If you are out of the abusive relationship and living on your own, why don't you already have your other children. I guess if he didn't want his baby then her really doesn't want your other children. Good luck girl!

 

d16mond - July 22

Well actually Cindy I don't think you read my thread right at all. I did the right thing by my children at the time, and there are a lot of people who have children who end up so messed up because there parents were to selfish to do right by them. I had post traumatic stress dissorder I was so unwell I could hardly look after myself and I asked my mum to help me and look after my children while I got treatment and counselling. I see my children all the time as much as possible go to school teacher interviews, and many more other activities. I would never put my children in an unsafe environment and if I chose to be with a man I thought was lovely but realised later that he was not prince charming then I am just human like anyone else. And I will always put my children before any man, a lot of woman can't say that.....You need to be more thoughtful when replying to people as alot of the time all the information is not there for you to say this is how it is and insult people.

 

knockedknock - July 22

Hi d16mond. Just my 2 cents here---after reading some of this---first off I am very sorry for your situation. I think Cindy is being pretty tough on you and that is not entirely what you need right now. I think she makes some good points, but really---who among us has not been in a tough situation and had to choose between 2 equally disturbing options? It is easy to sit in judgement of others, but until you have walked in those shoes you cannot sit in your safe, comfy place and say "this is right and this is wrong" we cannot possibly understand what you went through and continue to go through so we should not judge your actions. That being said, I would hope that with your decision to have and keep this new baby (congrats!) you will commit to honoring yourself enough to ask for, hell, DEMAND what you need and what is right for you. If your partner is unsupportive of the pregnancy that means so much to you--then he is unsupportive of YOU. That is NOT love. I made the decision that I would rather raise my baby alone than settle for a man that is not a match for me--even if he is the father. My situation is pretty good however and I don't a__sume everyone is in the same boat as I am--very fortunate to not have some of the worries of single moms. Still, I hope you will recognize that you are the giver of life--the winner of the golden ticket! You don't have to stay one more minute with someone who is not going to honor you and the decisions you make. Once you make up your mind about what is best for YOU and ultimately your baby, providence will move with you and for you.

 

Cindy Johnson - July 22

Well obviously you didn't read my post right. I have experienced seeing my niece abandoned and then watched her mom come and go as she pleases and just leave that little gir. She is damaged from that. As for me being in a comfy place. I had a stillbirth a year ago at 7months and it has been rough going through that and then watching my niece go through that too. When my mom and dad finally officially adopted her last year she was so confused. She talks about how my sister is a liar and how she didn't want her. Don't tell me that I haven't seen it. My brother also leaves his little girl with my mon and dad all the time. Its like whenever they can get rid of their kids the do. I am ashamed of people that don't take care of their kids. When I held my baby girl in my arms I now can't understand how anyone can have a baby and not want to have that baby with them at all times. Of course you wouldn't understand unless you held a lifeless baby in your arms. When you think about what people go through, how can you still leave those babies with your mom. I just don't get it. I still say it is very irrisponsible. I think it is great that you are keeping the new baby, but that shouldn't replace your other children.

 

knockedknock - July 22

I am not the one leaving her babies! Read usernames! I am responding to you. And yes--you cannot judge her situation as you are not in it-!!!! Just like she cannot understand having a stillborn child unless she has. What is so hard about this concept for you? It is not YOUR job to judge other people and the decisons THEY make for THEIR lives. You can offer advice in a compa__sionate way--but this woman is suffering with this and all you can do is make her feel worse! How would it make you feel if you reached out to a forum of anonymous strangers and offered an honest protrayl of your life and heartwrenching situation and you got ridiculed for your choices? Isn't this forum designed to provide help and support to other pregnant women? I feel very sorry for you.

 

Cindy Johnson - July 22

I didn't say you were the one who left your kids. WOW!!! I am saying that I have seen her situation from the side of the children and it is very bad for them. I just don't think she should be having another baby and putting it before the other kids. Which is probably what she is going to do. I don't want people to feel sorry for me because I lost my baby. She is in a better place, but I want them to understand what people go through and then she has 2 kids and just gives them away and GETS PG AGAIN!! I just think it is unbelievable. God has blessed us with another pregnancy. I just think that some people squander their blessings. Please understand that I know what those kids are going through not only have they gone through a divorce, but they have practically lost both of their parents. I am not going to sugar coat things for this woman, just like you didn't with the other girl telling her to go on Maury Povich. So don't sit there and tell me how to respond. i am being very honest. Kids don't recover from this sort of thing.

 

iemc19 - July 22

Sorry Cindy - I have to agree with knockedknock, you are being extremely harsh on a woman who looked for advice.. You seem to be extremely mad at your sister and are taking it out on d16mond. You do NOT know the ins and outs of her life and personally I think she was very brave to accept that she wasn't well/fit enough to look after her kids and asked her parents for help. PTSD doesn't just go away over night and I would hope you never have to suffer with it. From what she has said she has kept good, contact with her kids and shown them that she DOES care about them,their lives, school etc. And has said she will be getting them back when it is best for them - not when it suits her...Her kids might never forget that they lived part of their life with their grandparents ..But surely a happy, loving home is better than one where there are problems and upset ..People don't come here to be judged and have spiteful comments thrown at them - they are asking for helpful advice - whether you agree with them or not..And if you don't like what they are saying walk away. How would you feel if someone b___hed at you for whatever reason you came to this forum???

 

Cindy Johnson - July 22

You know what, you guys can say what you want about me. I am sorry if I was too harsh. Watching my niece suffer has really affected me. I am not going to post anymore about this situation. I don't want to give anymore opinions. I wish you all the very best with you lives and situations. GOOD LUCK!!!!

 

d16mond - July 23

It takes longer then a few months with things like this, you obviously don't know a lot about much. I don't have to explain myself to you. Who are you..... anyway. Your certainly a begruntled person who needs to look at her own life and get on with it.

 

d16mond - July 23

Oh and that message was for Cindy.

 

d16mond - July 23

Thank you knockerknock & iemc19. I did have some support but I was far too unwell and it wasn't just my mind, but my physical body as well, but I wont go there. I know that my children will never forget having to move away from me, They wouldn't have understood why they couldn't be with there mummy, it is something that has certainly made me feel terrible, but I know that because I love them so much I made sure they were going to be ok and put there needs before my own. They have been with my mum for two years now and I am a lot better, but I don't want to just take them away from there home and disturb there routine, that they feel secure with, these things need to be done slowly but so that they both feel safe and secure and know exactly what is going on. I never want for them to ever go through, the same experience of feeling as though they are being ripped out of there home. With my current pregnancy, I wont be letting the same, situation affect both our lives and I am in the process of setting up a safe home for me and all three of my children (I'm including the pregnancy in that number). I am studying and I am looking forward to having a wonderful future with my children and doing the best I can for them so they are happy and healthy. My partner has accepted the pregnancy, I think he just freaked out and didn't think about what he was saying. Instead of talking to him the way I thought I should I had a really good think about the person he is and how to approach him and talk to him the way he would like. For example I might think what I was saying was completely unthreatening but he might be looking at it differently. Men can get absolutely terrified of having there own child, I have learnt so much lately. I hope everything is going great for everyone, take care and all the best for the future, thanks for reading my story. I am very optimistic about our future.

 

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