Am I Really Ready For A Baby

19 Replies
cindy - September 2

I am 30 years old and have been married for 5 years. When we got married we said we wanted to wait 3 years before we started trying to have a baby. Once those 3 years passed I was so comfortable with my life that I said I didn't think I wanted children. Actually I told everyone that would listen that I didn't want a child EVER!! Well all of this time thoughts have continually passed through my mind about having children, but the thought of all of the change scared me to death. And the older I get the more I think about it. I just dont know if I am really ready. Some people say " you will never feel ready", Do you think that is true? Do you think that if I would just go for it, that once I found out I was pregnant everything would change? Because I think if I wait until I feel ready I may never have kids. I am just so confused!!HELP!! PLEASE!!

 

Kaity - August 31

I understand. I am 33 and will be married for 12 years this Christmas and I still don't feel ready for a child which makes me unsure if I even want one. I always thought I would have this overwhelming desire to conceive and I don't. Sure, I look at magazines, books, friends having babies and think I want a baby but then when I think about the TRUE and FACTUAL changes my life would take on I am like, definitely NO!!.. The truth is, I love my life the way it is now and I don't know that a child is going to enhance that any. Actually, we take a cruise for a week twice a year and we also take weekend trips, I buy what I want when I want w/o worrying about money, I enjoy other peoples children w/o having the worry or guilt of raising them, and we can run around whenever. Do l really want all that to change?? Plus, none of my friends seem happy with children. Yes, they are financially secure but they pretty much seem to complain about the children and their fights seem to have something to do with the children.

 

Kaity - August 31

Continued.................... Everyone keeps telling me also that I will never feel ready. Lately, I have been getting "You are thinking about it too much. Most people don't even think about it half as much as you do. They just jump in". I can't do that because I have and am a very planned out person. I feel that has made my husband and I successful those far so why change what works. I don't know that being pregnant will lean me in one direction or another. I do know that I don't want to get pregnant and regret it that. This is a big decision and I am right there with you!

 

April - August 31

Well... if anyone is NOt ready that would be me!! I am 23 years old.. been with my boyfriend fr just a year.. JUST bought a house.. not even moved in yet. I travel 2x a year!! That is called NOT being ready...I sat down and thought about it and said... when will I really be ready??? Is there really a better time to have kids? NO cause there will always be different circ_mstances.. excuses why Im not ready.. The thing is... if you WANT children.. go for it. Everyones scared. I am terrified! Once you have something growing inside of you that you created.. with someone you love.. it becomes something different all on its own!

 

R - August 31

I always knew I wanted to have a baby but admittedly I also had alot of feels that you two expressed------Did I want my life and marriage to change after 7 years of marriage? Things were going great so why change things. Everyone I knew who had children would tell me what a joy children were & that I needed to have one but then in the same breath they would begin complaining about the children and how they no longer had a life of there own so they longed for them to be grown already. Boy, what confusion this caused for me. Anyway, point is once I did get pregnant it hit me--- What have I done and I still feel that way even though I always knew I wanted children. I don't think you will ever know.

 

. - August 31

Misery loves company. That's why people with children push those who don't to have children.

 

Laura2 - August 31

First pregnancy and it is a tubal pregnancy so I have to have surgery on Thursday. Right now after going through all the tests and what I am about to go through, I can say I don't feel I want to try to get pregnant again. I am afraid of having to go through this a second time and it has already proven to be too painful. I hope my feelings change with some time.

 

cindy - September 1

Kaity, Thanks for writing what you did. It is good to hear from someone who can understand what I am going through instead of always hearing how, when I get old I will be a lonely old lady because I didn't have children. I feel exactly the way you do. I love my life the way it is. I sometimes look at magazines and wonder what it would be like to have a child, but then I dont know if I want to deal with what comes along with a child. I mean, I love my husband and would love to have his child, but I am going to be the one at home all the time raising that child. My WHOLE life would be changed forever. Everyone says, when it's your own child you wont feel that way. How do they know that? I cant believe how much you and I are alike. I would love to talk to you more. Let me know if you want to exchange email addresses. Well thanks again!!

 

MANDA - September 1

I DON'T THINK ANYBODY'S REALLY READY FOR A BABY

 

Kaity - September 1

Cindy- Exactly!!.. I will be the one sitting at home taking care of the child while my husband gets to continue to enjoy his career. It was ironic, because yesterday one of my co-workers was complaining that it always feels like if she wants to do something she has to "make an appointment" for her husband to keep the baby (she has to check w/him first to make sure he will be home & available for the baby) but if her husband wants to do something it is just a__sumed that she will have the baby. She said he can actually just say I am playing golf on Saturday w/the guys and not give the baby a second thought. That really made me stop and think that my life would no longer be my own. Don't get me wrong I do love children. I just don't know that I am meant to raise children.

 

Gail - September 1

Cindy - I understand what you are going through. I am 5 weeks pregnant (luckily it happened on the 2nd try). My husband and I discussed at length about having kids. We were really anti-kids for awhile and I even read some stuff about people who chose not to have children. As we discussed it more and more, we realized that we were more scared than anything as opposed to not wanting to be parents. We also talked about our friends and family members who are parents and how we don't agree with how some of them discipline their kids and spoil them too. In talking with other people too, I believe that today's parents (people generally in their late 20s to mid-40s) have made parenting 10 times more stressful and hectic than it needs to be. For ex., my sister, a stay at home mom of 3, overcommits her kids to too many activities and she's stressed all the time. The other thing that bothered me was that neither or us are the type of go ga-ga over other people's kids. We adore our 7 nieces and nephews, but we have little tolerance for other people's kids when they're brats! Again, other people I have talked to felt the same way until they had their own. I've never been one of those women who since they were very young couldn't wait to be a mom.

 

Janie - September 1

I always wanted children. Don't get me wrong I love my children but if I had to do it all over again I would opt out. My children are not spoiled and I do not overcommit. My husband and I are also financially secure. The problem is I am no longer Janie. My ident_ty has been gone for years and I am now someone's mother. Frankly, I miss me!!.. I was married for 9 years before we had our first (we have 2) and let me tell you it completely changed my marriage. We don't talk as much anymore and in general we don't laugh. However, I would not say I am on the verge of divorce either. It has just changed the dynamics. We are not the playful married couple that we were for the first 9 years of our marriage nor the 3 years of a dating couple. Nobody can tell you what to do. Make sure you are ready though because I was and things still changed. ** Ready for the kids to be grown and out of the house **

 

J - September 1

If anyone was ever asked "hey, do you want to completely give up your ident_ty, your personal life, your freedom, the pa__sion in your marriage, all for the wonderful gift of bringing a life into the world?" Who would say yes to that? My husband is very loving and I'm sure would make a great dad, but lets face it--women are still EXPECTED to do most of the work, even if both parents have a career. Until that changes, I just say no to kids.

 

A - September 1

I think it is a completely personal decision and you do what is right for you. For some folks not having kids is the right choice and others need to have 5 kids or they are not complete. Everyone is different and it is no one's business what is right for you. I was never big on kids and am actually quite irritiated by them, would prefer to be around dogs. I thought it would change after having my own but the only child I love is mine. I love my daughter more than can ever be put into words and wouldn't think twice to give up anything at all for her and it wouldn't be a sacrifice to me. However I still feel the same way as I did before about other people's kids - can't stand them.

 

Stacey - September 1

I am going to give it to you straight. Everything you do, everything you are, everything you want, and everything that is, becomes about your children once you have them. I have two children and I am a career mom (I have today off- YEAH) and my husband is a stay at home dad. Even though I work and my husband stays at home I can say it is safe to say both are lives are about our children now and we both absolutely hate it. We had two children because we did not want one child to grow-up alone but that is the only reason for the second child. My marriage is pretty much not there although we do truly love and respect each other. We never have time alone much less romantic time. Sure, we get a babysitter and go out but it is not the same-- you can't be spontaneous. You also have to schedule time for s_x!! Example, when are the kids in bed, when are they gonna be gone, etc. If you are not 100% sure about kids, don't have them and save yourself 18 years of grief!!..

 

Carly - September 1

13 years of a wonderful, loving, romantic marriage and then I got pregnant. It was a planned pregnancy. We were both thrilled because we had discussed for years whether or not we wanted children. Well, we finally took the plunge after 13 years of wedded bliss. The baby was born and everything suddenly became difficult. Life was not what it once was and the responsibility of a child was overwhelming. We suddenly had no time for each other much less ourselves. We basically lived for our child. Our child is going to be two soon and we have since divorced. We love each other and our child but the child destroyed our marriage. If I could have a repeat, I would not have had a child. I know my ex-husband feels the same way. For now, I guess we move on, doing our best raising the child, let the child know we love them and get our own life back once the child has gone off to college.

 

S.N - September 1

I have read some of the other responses and I kind of agree with them particularly that of Kaity. However, I also disagree. You must recognise that as humans we do not like change. We enjoy the comfort in a secure, safe and predictable environment. It does not mean that change is bad or that we will not be able to deal with it even a huge change as a child. Talk it over with your husband and see what he also thinks. You may actually find that your fears about having a child are also his. If both of you are not ready then do not rush yourself into it. Continue to enjoy your marriage as it is. Even if you both decide in a few years or so about the having a child a stable marriage like the one you have will be an enormous help. Try not to focus so much on you becoming a lonely woman but remember that what may work for someone else may not work for you. I know of couples who have had children and it has enhanced their marriage, then they are those that it has damaged it and there are even others who wished they had gone through with having a child and actually separated because of it. You and only you can know what is best for your marriage and family. Do not get a child for the sake of it or because you are scared that you will be lonely or that it is the norm. Get one because you want to share the love between your husband and yourself in a different form. Having a child is a life-long commitment as well you know so as I said before just enjoy what you have know until you are ready. Don't think you will never be. You knew when you were ready to commit to your husband in marriage and you will know if the time is right to have a child.

 

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