Family At Delivery Dilemma

17 Replies
C - July 18

Hi everyone, I need some advice. I am due to give birth in October, and really wanted to have it be just me and my fiancee at the birth. However, he has extreme doubts about doctors, hospitals, etc., and fears the worst about what might happen at the birth. For this reason, he asked his cousin, a nurse with experience in obstetrics, to be there and she agreed. I did not realized this until after he asked her. He argues that she needs to be there as a second opinion, and would even rather her there than himself! I told him that if his cousin will be there, then I feel like I have to invite my mom too, since she would be hurt if I didn't. I have tried arguing that I want privacy, but he won't hear it and says I'm not being logical, and that I apparently don't value what is "best" during the delivery! I'm so sick of arguing with him, and he refuses to see my point because he's so convinced that his "qualified" cousin should be there in case the doctor tries to give me an "unnecessary" c-section or something similarly unforseen. What should I do??? Any advice is appreciated!

 

Beccah - July 18

I know what you mean about privacy. In all reality, C, I seriously doubt that your Dr. will allow anyone in there with you that will interfere with his expertise. I mean, your Dr. DOES have MUCH more experience than a nurse with "experience in obstetrics". Can you imagine, if something does go wrong, and it ends up being the cousin's fault? Do you really think your doctor will allow someone to tell him what to do? Maybe you can discuss this with your dr to see what he/she says about it (make sure your fiance is there to hear it!!). To compromise, is there any way your cousin in law (and mother if wanted) can sit in the waiting room where your fiance can fetch them if a problem arises? Maybe to get to know her as a nurse, she can accompany you to a few of your last Dr. visits? I hope this helps!! Good luck!

 

Christy - July 18

C- Sorry this just sounds a little odd. Has he always been this close to his cousin. I would have a fit and say no way. If nothing else make him stay in the waiting room and call your mom back. Good luck!

 

C - July 18

Thanks Beccah and Christy -- I agree with both of you. It IS weird that he wants his cousin there, and yes they are close. I would really like it if it was just me and him, but he's being completely stubborn about this and will not listen to me because he thinks my negative reaction is "emotional" and not "logical." Great idea to discuss this at the Dr.'s office with fiancee present. Maybe it will put him in his place a bit. He's getting on my last nerve over this. I really don't even want my mom there, either, but I feel that I would rather her than his stinkin' cousin! She is my mom after all.

 

Jessie V - July 18

My mother and mother-in-law are nurses. Both have been told that they can come visit but I only want my husband in the room during the birth. My husband never argued with my wishes. I'm sure your Dr. will not give you any proc. that they did not find ness. You trust your Dr. and so should your fiancee. Plus there are other Dr. at the hos. if your Dr. wants another opinion.

 

C - July 18

Good idea Jessie V. I will suggest that his cousin can wait outside and hopefully that won't instigate another argument! I am very pa__sionate about not wanting extra people there, and I really do trust my doc. I wish he did, too.

 

LabChick - July 19

Hi, this really angers me to here this. First of all, it's your decision who is in the room with you during this precious time. I can understand you respecting his opinion and his concern for you. It does show that he must deeply care, but the point is he needs to respect your feelings as well. My advise to you dear is to tell him no to the cousin that you trust your Dr. "if ya do" and have your mother with you. I went through an experience with my first child some what like yours. I was'nt married at the time. My boy friend insisted his sister and mom be in there and I agreed. At the time my mother was very ill and could'nt be there. I am now married and 35 weeks pregnant with my second child and plan to have only my mom and husband there and thats it! Privacy is the main issue. It is very important that YOU are int_tled to that. Giving birth is a special process to both parents but especially to the mother. So I wish you best of luck with this and keep in mind what YOU want. If he dose'nt come to your terms then he's being a true a__s about this.

 

Naomi - July 19

I have had some training as a nurse in the last few years and ewe were told that it is best to avoid nursing family as there is an emotional tie that can cause judgement problems. Your doctor will always do the best for you and may mnot like the idea of having the cousin interfer. The best thing you husband can do is read loads of books about labour and birth so he can be your advocate. Also before the day you will be able to work out a birthing plan so that the medical team know your wishes. This will hekp guide them. How you feel is more important yhan how your husband feels during labour. Good luck with it all.

 

BBK - July 19

Having the delivery of our daughter fresh in my mind, I can tell you that as far as people in there goes, less is more. You husband should definately be there as it will be the greatest experience of his life and your family together. You may also want to have some close girlfriend or a sister if you have one for emotional support. But I do mean someone close to YOU! During the delivery it became more of a confidence and faith matter than just plain pushing. BTW, your cousin in law, even if there should not interefere with the doctor. You'll have to trust your doctor. She is qualified to be a nurse NOT make these kinds of decisions.

 

Katharine - July 19

You could possibly compromise and get a doula who is not related. That would give you both an "advocate" without the extra baggage. If you want her just for labor, you can tell her that and ask her to leave for the delivery (alhtough you will probably want her there for that as well). My first delivery was nice with hubby there for labor and my parents came during the delivery. I was comfortable with it at hte time and allowed them to be there. THis time, they are planning ot be there, but I have warned my mother that if, for some reason I don't feel comfortable this time, they are out of there!

 

Maleficent - July 19

your the one pushing the baby out, it's your choice. i'd hear him out and all, but when it comes down to the final decision it is yours and yours alone to make. if the delivery freaks him out then take a prenatal cla__s. i would not want extra people in the delivery room, espcially some one ELSE trying to tell me what to do.

 

Julie - July 19

I would say no way! Why on earth is does he think that the doctors and nurses are not capable? Perhaps you need a better hospital? You are the one pushing the baby out and if he wants her there toooooo bad! You are going to be under stress, in pain, etc. the last thing you should have to worry about is having someone in there you don't want to be. If his cousin is a nurse that is all fine and dandy but remember doctors go to school alot longer than nurses and if the doctor does feel you may need extra care shouldn't you trust him? Women have been having babies since the beginning of time. If he doesn't listen to you I would talk to the cousin and tell her you don't think it is necessary. This is just crazy! Your fiance needs to listen to your wishes you are giving birth to his child!

 

C - July 19

Thanks for your support everyone. I have become very upset about this, since I have reiterated numerous times that I don't want her there. And she won't be. The hospital I am going to is the best in Seattle, and my doctor is a woman who gave birth four months ago, so I feel very trusting of her. It's my fiancee's problem now, because what I say will be the law. You guys have all given me a lot of valuable perspective -- thank you.

 

KellyB - July 19

check on your hospital. Mine only allows one person in with a laboring patient, so everyone else can wait in the waiting room. So that made it easy for us! Just my husband and I!

 

Kel - July 19

Screw that! If you feel like you need privacy then thats how it should be. I dont want anyone in the room besides mu boyfriend and mom. You're the one going through all the pain so you should choose who you want in your room. Tell him you already have a d__n dr! Gosh how annoying

 

Beth - July 19

I guess I will give my two cents, also. :) Like you said, when it comes down to it, it should be your decision. It's your body that's out for everyone to see!! Also, I agree with the schooling statement. Nurses (unless they have gone on to get their masters degree or whatever) have only a one or a two year degree. (LPN or RN). Yes, they can have experience to go with that, but not enough to step in and give their opinion to the doctor. I have my two year degree as a physical therapist a__sistant, and only rarely would I ever argue with the PT. Even though I do spend more time with the patients, it isn't my place. I hope your husband with understand you dilemma!

 

christy - July 19

I agree w/ Julie. Tell him it's a big fat NO and then go straight to her, tell her this was not your idea and he asked her b/4 asking you. If this woman has half a brain she'll understand. If not, oh well!!!

 

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