Help I Think I Changed My Mind

5 Replies
saddened - June 13

I've never wanted kids. All through my teen years, early twenties, and so on, I was happy being childfree. I'd hear screaming children in the mall or temper tantrums at the grocery store and be so thankful it was just me and my husband with our lives to ourselves. He came from an abusive family and doesn't want children AT ALL, and we've already decided that we'd prefer to be childfree. I can respect his wishes. But, well... suddenly I'm starting to want to have a baby. I'm changing, I'm getting older, and I want to be a mommy. The problem is, I have no idea how to bring this up to my hubby. I honestly have no idea how he'd react to something like this because the two of us have always been totally against the idea of having kids. It never even crossed our minds. I'm so lost... what should I do? By the way, not that it matters, but I'm 26, he's 28, and we've been married for three years.

 

Jbear - June 13

My husband and I are the same ages as you and your husband. We've got a 3 year old daughter and another baby due in Sept. We've been married 8 years, and we tried to get pregnant for a couple of years before our daughter was conceived. We always knew we wanted kids. My husband knew he wanted two, but I thought I only wanted one. Our second baby is a happy accident. Having kids changes your relationship, and it can add a lot of stress to your marriage, but it also gives you a deeper love for your partner, when you see how sweet they are to the kids. My husband was abused as a child, but he told me he had learned from his mom what NOT to do to his own kids. We've had a few issues with him yelling at our daughter, but that's the extent of his temper. Whatever you decide, talk about it calmly to your husband. Tell him you love him so much, you've been thinking there'd be enough love for a baby, too. Or start admiring people's babies in the grocery store (not the crying ones) while your husband's with you.

 

saddened - June 13

Thank you for the encouragement, JBear. It means a lot to me that people care and encourage. It's going to be so strange bringing this up; we never really discussed children much at all after agreeing not to have any. I'll probably take your first bit of advice and just tell him how I feel, though. I don't think he'll catch on if I just start admiring babies. I love him but subtlety isnt exactly his strong point! lol

 

Lissi - June 13

I was with my previous boyfriend for 8 years. I was desperatley in love with him, but this child thing always got in the way. He was adamant that he didn't want children, but I did. I kept hoping he would eventually change his mind. I even started to try to convince myself that I didn't want children, because I just didn't want to let this guy go. Eventually, I got to my early 30's and realised he was never going to change and that I felt totally unfullfilled because I still wasn't a mother. We parted, but remained friends. I met someone else pretty quickly and fell in love again. My new man wasn't one to beat around the bush and proposed after just 2 months and couldn't wait to start a family. We are now happily married with a little girl on the way, but I still often feel sad that things didn't work out with my old boyfriend. I hope you don't get to the point where you have to choose between your husband or a child, because It's an awful reason to break up. I'd tell him how you feel and give him lots of time to get used to the idea. You're still very young and have plenty of time to start trying for a baby. Sorry, I know this isn't very helpful. I hope you manage to change your husband's mind, though it will be hard for him because he has such deep seated reasons as to why he won't have kids. Has he ever had any counselling for the abuse? Maybe that would help. Best of luck to you. I know it's a horrible position to be in.

 

D - June 13

We weren't sure we wanted children either. It wasn't a dead set against, just a terror and inability to say "yes, we definately want children". Now I'm 22 weeks pregant with our first. I'm 31, my husband is 34. I'm still terrified on some levels, but I believe that this is the best for us! I think you need to talk to him, even though its difficult. He may still be adamant against children, but you never know, maybe he has rethought this too, and just doesn't think he can bring the subject up... Give him some time... you still have time if he needs it to rearrange his thoughts on the subject! Good luck!

 

KrisD - June 13

Well, in my opinion, I think you have plenty of time. So, I think that you should bring it up to him, and see how he reacts. Also, since you don't have to rush anything, it will give him time to get used to the idea. Once my husband and I brought it up, it was all we could think about. You never know how he will react... Good Luck!

 

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