Is It Him Or Just Me

14 Replies
lonely.. - August 29

I'm just rounding into my third trimester and i have felt great emotionally until now. My last pregnancy i was very insecure and upset, and it was very hard on my husband. This time everything has been great, i have been so happy, a little tired but generally upbeat. Lately my husband has been 'working late'. I am 99% sure he really is at work, but i suspect that he's been working late on purpose. It seems like he doesn't want to be alone with me. When he does come home, he brings friends or coworkers with him and they are up until 2am. He leaves around 9am for work and usually isn't home until after 10pm or later. He gets off earlier, but he takes his sweet ass time to get home. He's barely seen our son this last week.. five min in the morning before work and a few hours yesterday on his 'day off' (he slept until noon and left at 3:30 to help my friend move, but didn't come home until almost 11pm.. our son went for a nap before he even left). Not only do i miss him dearly, my job keeps me at home all day, so i have little adult conversation during the day and without it i get a little stir-crazy. Our son misses him so badly, he hears a male voice and assumes it's daddy.. I don't understand what happened! Since being pregnant our s_x life is next to none.. i was too sick the first trimester, and my doc said no s_x for two months during the end of 1st beginning of second trimester.. now by the time he gets home i'm so exausted i don't have the energy to even think about it. I am afraid he will start looking elsewhere, and because he's been working so much lately, i would never notice if he strayed.. i don't know if this is just hormone's and paranoia talking, or if i really should be worried.

 

Steph - August 29

Have you tried to talk to him about it? I would let him know you feelings and concerns, without being accusing towards him or negative. I think all that needs to talk place is a talk where the two of you need to get your thoughts out. I bet there are things that he has on his mind and is using work and his friends to cover them up. Good luck to you!!!

 

lonely.. - August 29

sort of.. i have told him how his working late is cutting into his family time. That we miss him so much and we need him in our lives.. but he gets defensive and gives me this speech about how he is doing this for us, and that i should be happy he is willing to work so much for us.. i try to tell him money is not as important as him, but the fact is, he's on salary and it doesn't matter how many hours he works! He is sweet, and he would never want to say anything to hurt my feelings, but then i never know what to believe. We had alot of problems during the last pregnancy, and i lost alot of trust for him.. i just don't want to get back into that state of mind and be so paranoid of every move he makes.. i want dearly to trust him, and know that he loves and trusts us.. but i'm so unsure of myself right now..

 

Sheila - August 29

You might have to spill the rest of the beans if you want the best answer. Sounds like there were some issues in the past, and you are getting some tell-tale signs again. What is that tiny little voice in the back of head saying?

 

lonely.. - August 29

I know it's not like last time, i'm almost positive of that. I just feel like we are becoming disconnected from eachother.. I am stressed out, so i'm sure he is too, but we don't communicate like we used to and i'm afriad of that escalating into bigger problems. Any time i try to tell him about how i am feeling, or how i am stressed out, he just tells me "oh that's because you're pregnant" almost like i have a disease that makes me unhappy and discontent all the time..

 

lonely.. - August 29

oh yes, i may be able to get someone to babysit for us tonight.. i want to do something (pregnant friendly, of course) to show him i still love him and that i really miss the emotional intimacy... but what?

 

*** - August 29

Hey, Lonely!!! Answer the question: WHAT WERE THE PAST ISSUES???You seem to be skirting around it. Are you afraid you might be getting a confirmation here that it's the same thing but is showing in another way?

 

lonely.. - August 29

for one.. no one has come out and said "what are the past issues" except you, ***.. I am skirting around it, but that is because not only is it a personal issue i do not want to share with strangers.. it is in the past and i don't want to bring it up again because i am trying to move forward. He had regained my trust, and i do not hold any grudges.. i would like to keep it that way, which is the reason i mentioned it. I merely wanted an outside point of view to my situation to know if i am holding on to past resentments, or if i am justified in my worries..

 

*** - August 30

Well, you're wrong. Sheila brought it up but in another way. Besides, it may be detrimental for you to say it for us to understand the severity of your situation. History DOES repeat itself in many cases. In this case, you're mum about it so we can only guess. Ergo, you only get the answer for the tip of your problem. The sugarcoated concern you have may be worse than you think.

 

Sara - August 30

I understand you wanting to keep the past in the past but sometimes the past doesnt WANT to stay in the past. I'm guessing there was some cheating going on when you were pregnant last time. I'm really sorry about this because I know how it must have hurt but you said you are only 99% sure he is at work at night so what does the other 1% tell you? That 1% can make all the difference.

 

Matt - August 30

It is a hell of a thing to not to be able to completely trust a person. The hurt and pain that is causes cannot be measured. It might be that he is just scared of having a new member to your family. Us guys have a really nasty habit of running from a problem, especially when it's at home. I have been told that I have a very strange ability to see things from a womans point of view, and I think that I understand your concerns. I don't know what happened in your past, nor is it any of my business, but I have a pretty good idea as to what happened. Those who do not learn from their past mistakes are condemned to repeat them. I truly hope that this is not the case for you and your husband. It sounds like you really love him a lot, but just don't understand or know what is going on with him. Being a man, I have no idea what it's like to be pregnant, in fact I would probably wuss out on the whole thing before my first trimester was over. It sounds like to me that he needs a good kick in the b___t to remind him that he has a family that needs him, and wants to have him around. A person once told me that any man can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a daddy. I just don't understand how any man could not want to be around his wife and kids any chance he had. But then again, I have been told that I'm a little different. I do hope that everything works out for your family, and especially your little one.

 

~E~ - August 30

lonely... you need to have a long and serious talk with your husband and tell him your concerns. It seems to me that you have some serious concerns that you are trying to close your eyes to. I know it's hard and I know it hurts. Sometimes we try to not look at what we don't want to see but we know something is wrong. IMO, for you to have posted the way you have...you have concerns/doubts but you are trying to justify why it isn't so. <<hugs>>. It is better to confront than to pretend it's not there....atleast for the long run. In the short run, it will hurt. To answer your question, I think you have reason to be worried...I don't think it is the hormones talking. I feel for you!

 

lonely.. - August 30

No, he didn't cheat... i am so embarra__sed to say it.. he was addicted to p___n. Actually to the point where he lied about where he was and when he got off work. I know this is not happening again because it's not in our house, and if he spent any money on it anywhere, i would know. what i went through last time left me feeling stupid and blind. I never want to feel that way again. I do trust him, but at the same time i am scared of being the fool.. It's a difficult thought pattern to overcome. I know he loves me, and i love him too and up until now i have not questioned anything, but considering i have developed insecurities about my pregnant body, i can't help but demand the extra rea__surance. I did speak to him about it, and told him how i feel and why, but he is hurt that i do not trust him. I don't want to push the matter with him too much, or we may become more disconnected then i already feel we are, for possibly no reason but my own paranoia. I have to admit though last night was wonderful. He did everything i wanted and without being told.. i let him know how i was feeling, and even though he was upset, he still came home and spent alot of time with our son, bathed him and everything.. he even cleaned our room (which i've been on him for weeks to do) and then just cuddled with me while we watched a movie. It meant the world to me. I am in a place where i don't know what to think, and second guessing myself is not doing any good. Thanks to those with words of support.. it really means alot.

 

Sheila - August 30

Yes, I did bring it up, but it's up to her to spill it. I would never be so pushy, some things ARE private and I respect that.

 

Sheila - August 30

I am happy everything turned out well. I hope this is just the beginning of a much closer relationship for the two of you. It does sound like some of this might be just the usual pregnancy stuff that we all deal with in some way or another. All the best!

 

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