Losing Friends Because You Re Pregnant

16 Replies
Jennifer28 - June 30

Hi girls. I know my hormones have gotten the best of me lately (I am 17w 5d pg) but I am having a really tough time with something and I could really use some good advice... Has anyone lost a close friend because they became pregnant? Since I found out I was pg my best friend of 10 + years has completely turned her back on me. She used to call me 2 or more times a day and we used to get together every weekend. Her and her dp (my dh's bf) used to come over for dinner a couple of times a week and now I'm lucky if she calls me once a week or even at all. She doesn't ever ask how I am feeling or what happened at my dr.'s appts. and when I talk about things I am experiencing she acts as if I am wasting her time and she is bored w/ what I am saying. The worst of it is, she has replaced me as her bf with a 23 yr old girl (I'm 28, my bf just turned 31) and now she spends all of her time with her. I am fully aware that my life is about to change completely - this is dh's and my first child - but I never expected to lose one of the dearest and closest friends I have ever had b/c I became pg. All of our other friends are thrilled (even those w/o kids) and we all still hang out w/ them and do things. Has anyone else experienced this? What did you do/are you doing to get over the hurt feelings?

 

kimholl28 - June 30

I have almost lost 2 of my friend over both of my pregnancies. Maybe for different reasons though. My friend I have known since high school is having trouble concieving. She married her husband at 17 and have been trying for 10 years. She has diabetes and scarring from cyst in her fallopian tubes, so it has been hard for her. I have had 2 boys in the time she has been trying so hard to concieve. My other best friend was married and her husband had a low count, she is now divoriced and with another guy. They had a miscarriage in Dec. and that was so hard for her. She has always wanted a baby. She is now finally pregnant again and is 17 weeks now. But, before she became pregnant this time it was hard for her to be friends with me. I guess because I have 2 kids and she couldn't. She didn't even she my son until he was 3 weeks old, and that hurt. It has been hard to not be able to share the most special part of my life with my friends. I am hoping that once she has her baby we will have more to talk about again. For now she is so nervous about being pregnant and something going wrong it is hard to be excited with her. My friend from high school and I hardly ever talk, I guess it is to painful for her to see me happy, don't know? I know how hurt you can feel when something so great happens and noone close to you seems happy. Best of luck with your pregnancy.

 

Deb - June 30

It sounds to me like your friend may be a little jealous about your pregnancy. She knows that things are going to change and that she is going to be put on the back burner once the baby is born, so maybe she is just distancing herself a bit now to prepare for the future. Plus, she is not pregnant and can't really relate to what you are going through. Have you thought about talking to her about it? She may not even truly realize that she is doing this, and she may want to talk about her feelings. I hope things work out.

 

boolie79 - June 30

i totally can relate to your story! When i found out i was pregnant with my first child i was 19... i lost ALL of my friends. My best friend who had been my best friend my whole life didnt know how to act or what to do. She came around a bit. She was the most help in the delivery room and stuck around for a few months after baby was born. But then she started partying and going to bars and i couldnt go so she didnt want nothing to do with me.. It took years before she and i got close again. I am now almost 27 and she had a baby last year. Since then she has come to realize what i went through and has since apologized for not being there,. I imagine your friend is in the same boat and doesnt know how to act. Remember tho,, yes having a child changes your life forever but it doesnt end it! Give her time she'll come around,, and if she doesnt then sorry to say she wasnt much of a friend!

 

frankschick2001 - June 30

Jennifer, you may not like what I am going to say, but are you maybe continually talking about your pregnancy to her whenever you guys talk? I had a friend who talked INCESSANTLY about her pregnancy until I finally told her to wuit it, and doesn't she have anything esle to talk about. We are close enough where we can say things that may cause hurt feelings and it's not usually a problem. Anyway, if you cannot have a conversation with her without mentioning the baby at least once, it can get annoying. I make sure that when I talk to my friends, I don;t constantly mention babies, or being pregnant. To those without kids, it can be a REALLY boring topic. Things may be changing for you, but they are staying pretty much the same for her. I honestly don't feel it is a jealousy thing. It could be a boredom thing, or it could be that she knows she won't be seeing you as much and is just preparing for the ineviatable. Also, don't expect her to be there for you only when you need her. It works both ways. Next time you speak, specifically ask what is going on in her life and don;t mention the pregnancy. Also, if you guys are as close as you say then it should not be difficult for you to ask her if maybe something is bothering her, and why hasn't she been around as much lately?

 

Jennifer28 - June 30

KIMHOLL- Thanks so much for responding. I'm sorry you too lost friends b/c you were pg. Especially for the reasons you did. I think it would make me feel a bit better if there was a particular reason we quit talking - but there isn't. I hate not having her be a part of my life. I am hoping to be able to sit her down and talk to her, but she is a really defensive person. Plus, she is so involved w/ her new buddy - who seems to be w/ her everytime I see her - it is hard to get any alone time w/ her. Thanks so much for sharing your story... DEB- I haven't talked her about it in a while. When I first found out I was pg she was really upset. She told other friends about it (even though I asked her not to b/c of a previous early pg loss) b/c she thought it was going to change our friendship. We did talk then - granted it was about 12 wks ago - and I rea__sured her I was going to need her more than ever now. She seemed okay, but everything has gone downhill from there. I hope we can work things out as well. Thanks so much for your advice. I will try talking to her again... BOOLIE- I'm so glad your friend came around - although it did take her QUITE some time to - and that you have her back in your life. I worry it will take her finally deciding to have a bby of her own for her to realize what she is doing to me right now. Especially since she is no where near thinking about starting a family. Last year when she turned 30 she decided she was going to go out and party more. Well, I have been doing that since I was 19. 10 years later, I'm ready to settle and start my family. Maybe we're just in different places right now, I don't know. I agree, my life isn't going to be over but my priorities are def. going to change. Unfortunately, I think you might be right. She might not be the friend I thought she was all along... FRANKSCHICK- It would make sense if all I talked about was being pg that she would be bored w/ it. But I don't. But, it is a major part of what is going on in my life right now and if your BEST FRIEND can't ask you about it or listen when it is brought up, I don't know what else to call it but jealousy or selfishness. Most of our conversation is all about her from start to finish. Sometimes she asks how I am feeling and sometimes I just volunteer at the end of the conversation b/c like I said - my pg is a huge part of my life right now. Some ppl aren't as approachable as others - that doesn't mean we're not close. I thought if I got some other pg ladies advice on how they delt w/ the situation I am in right now, it might help me to deal w/ what lies ahead. My mom was watching a daytime tv show today that was about friendships and why they end. According to the show, most friendships between women start having problems b/c of jealousy over pregnancy. I just thought this forum might be a good place to get advice on the subject.

 

rns91294 - June 30

Maybe she is just afraid that you will not include her anymore once the baby is born, so this is her way of letting go of you before that happens. Or maybe she is afraid to be around children? There could be a load of different reasons she is acting this way, but give her some time. Maybe she will come around again. And if she doesn't, I hate to say this, but if she doesn't, then she may not be the kind of person you want around. I really hope you two work it out though. Good luck!!!!

 

Jennifer28 - June 30

RNS- The strange thing is, the 1st time I was pg she was very excited. She was planning to be my child's God mother, wanted (if it was a girl) to be named after her, she wanted to be in the delivery room w/ me, etc. After I m/c she was there for me more than I could have ever asked her to be... Now she acts as if I have completely turned her entire world upside down by becomming pg again. She loves babies and kids - she has a nephew the same age as my little brother and a couple of other kids in her family - but she isn't ready for children herself so I shouldn't be either - she has actually said that to me once. I don't understand what is so different from my first pg that she has to be so upset and downright neglectful of me. Oh well. I guess I'll just have to wait and see where it goes from here. I have considered talking to her about it but I don't know when a good time would be. We're supposed to get together for the 4th of July this weekend - her new bf is out of town for the weekend - so maybe I'll try if I do end up seeing her. You're exactly right - I have said that same thing to my dh - I don't want to have anyone in my life that ever resented my child. Thanks so much for your responses - all of you ladies. Getting other peoples opinions/perspectives is helping a bit. :)

 

rns91294 - July 2

I think you definitely need to talk to her and let her know how you feel. I bet anything she is worried yuo won't be there for her when the baby is born. You may need to rea__sure her that you still care about her dearly and that will never change. I know she should be the one comforting you, but some people just need to hear these things. Seems like she may be one of them. After you talk to her, things will either get better, or you will know that she should not be a part of your babies life. Good luck, and have a nice 4th regardless of how this works out.

 

venus_in_scorpio - July 2

i know how you feel... all of my friends are going through the "I'm 21 and all I want to do is drink and party" phase and I told them I don't want to be around drinking and partying because I want to do whats best for my baby and its not fun to be sober around a buunch of drunks. they all dropped me like a hotcake. apparently, i know what is important to them in life and it isn't me but I say f*ck em because guess who theyre going to be calling when they get pregnant (and it will happen someday) and need somebody to talk to? I just dont see why its so hard for them to not drink and get high for an HOUR out oof their lives to spend time with someone theyve known since grade school . that p__ses me off.

 

NURSEJ - July 4

she may be jealous b/c she may want children and can't or is onot ready. i lost my best friend not due to my preg but other things like my dh and her bf.. it was hard at first but u get over it eventually. we were friends since i was 8 y/o and it ended shortly after i became 20 y/o so about 12 years of friendship gone over bs. sometimes u just have to move on.

 

shalyn - July 4

Jennifer28 the exact same thing is going on with me. I have known my best friend for 8 years but I was still scared to tell her last week when I found out I was pg. I knew what her reaction would be...she would think I was making a huge mistake...so I was hesitant to even let her know. I finally told her and she took it pretty well. Little did I know that she would start ignoring my calls immediately after, and she has actually been getting really chummy with another friend who she recently told me got on her nerves. I spoke to her boyfriend about it and he thinks she is totally wrong for dropping me when I really need her support. I have spoken to her in detail only once since I told her I was pg, and she made it very clear that since she had nothing nice to say to me she just won't say anything at all. She is making this out to be something happening to her and does not understand that this is my choice and decision. As bad as it sounds, the only way to make her happy would be for me to have an abortion and I'm definitely not doing that. As bad as it hurts I am slowly getting over it because it is her decision to not be supportive. I know that I was a great friend and would have never done this to her, but you don't always get back what you provide.

 

frankschick2001 - July 5

JENNIFER: I only said what I said because I have been on both sides and I have seen women on both sides of the argument. Being pregnant right now, it is a huge part of my life too, but that doesn't mean I have to inundate everyone around me with baby talk. I talk to my friends with kids and babies about it, I come here to talk about it, but to my friends without babies, I keep the pregnancy stuff to a minimum. Not that I say nothing about it. But it is not the main thing we talk about. Like I said, the topic can be very boring for other people not going through it. And just because she is defensive, if you guys were really close, you'd know how to go around her defensiveness or her defensiveness would not scare you into silence. You are wondering what her problem is when you can JUST ASK HER.

 

Jennifer28 - July 5

RNS- I did end up having a nice 4th (I hope you did as well!) - and my b/f and I spent a lot of time together over the wkend. She has actually decided to quit drinking for a while, which I think was a major reason why we haven't been hanging out as much. I still plan to talk to her about what I have been feeling, but we were having such a great time this weekend, I didn't want to ruin it by bringing up hurt feelings. She is already talking about making plans together for this upcoming weekend. I would like to see if she would meet me for lunch sometime this week so we can talk it out and get everything out into the open. Thanks so much for listening and offering advice. You have been a great help!!... VENUS- I completely understand your frustration. It has to be annoying to know your friends can't stop partying for just a few minutes and hang out w/ you, or just respect that you are pg and cannot party w/ them. We went to a friends house and one of the girls asked me how it felt to be the only sober one there. I was kind of offended at first - don't really know why - but then I felt kind of sorry for her. She is always coming off w/ insensitive remarks - especially after my m/c - so I didn't let myself be too put off by it. Her and dh have a VERY strange relationship (they openly cheat on one another all the time) so I think she might be just a bit jealous of what my dh & I have. Just try to understand some of your friends won't be there when this is all said and done. But I know you'll meet new ppl w/ kids you can bond w/ and actually have a common interest w/. Good luck to you!... NURSEJ- You might be right in a way. She is older than me, still not married and her dp is no where near the point in his life that he is ready to settle down w/ her. She has made it clear she would marry him tomorrow if he would just ask her. Although she says she isn't ready and doesn't want children now - she might really want to have one. I do feel badly for her and I am trying not to take her actions so personally but it is easier said than done sometimes... SHALYN- I'm sorry your b/f isn't there for you! What a terrible thing to say - that she doesn't have anything nice to say to you. Sounds like she is being a real brat. I hope things start to look up for the better and that she comes around and starts to treat you and the miracle you are experiencing w/ more respect! Good luck, sweetie!... FRANKSCHICK- You say things like "inundate everyone around me with baby talk" and "to my friends without babies, I keep the pregnancy stuff to a minimum". Like I said, I don't talk to her - or any of my other friends for that matter - about it unless I am asked about it. I guess I interpret the fact that she doesn't ask or want to hear about it as jealously b/c I have a lot of friends w/ kids and I have never thought of as they were inundating me w/ baby talk. I often found myself asking a hundred questions of my pg friends - the first one always being "How are you feeling?". I don't think it is expecting too much for her to be as excited for me as all of our other friends are. I don't think her defensiveness has scared me into silence. I just don't like confrontation - esp. since I am pg. I know what is wrong with her and I have chosen just to talk to her about it in my own time. I guess I am just hoping her negative feelings will fade away as quickly as they came about and we can start to celebrate this pg together - just like we did my first pg.

 

1st_time_mommy - July 5

hey i have lost many friends over this pregnancy that could be 1 because i am very young and people think that it is going to ruin my life (which i dont like to look at it that way ) but many of the friends i used to hang out with and go to the bars and stuff with just have kind of left me never call me never do anything its kind of weird but it is completely normal for pregnant woman i do have many friends now that are actually there for my pregnancy and have been... but 1 friend i lost was my best friend of 8 years and that completely broke my heart but she now regrets it as she has just gotten pregnant as a mistake same as mine and now she has no one by her side so i dont know i guess it works both ways !! cheer up youll do fine.. and congratz

 

Lynne - July 11

Sometimes pregnancy isnt a topic people want to hear about nor can they relate to until they are pregnant or trying to become pregnant. She may be jealous or wants to go ahead and replace you in a sense as a friend because she feels that once you have your baby she will not have a place with you. There are many factors here as to why she may have acted this way. However, you do still have other friends and will continue to make friends because of the pregnancy. So try and take it in stride, if you hear from her then great but try not to stress about it. She may just be superficial and not truely a friend. I wish you the absolute best and congrats on your pregnancy!!

 

marylou - July 11

Jennifer - I went through this when I found out I was expecting my first baby. My best friend wasn't married although she did have a boyfriend and we did everything together. Until you experience pregnancy and childbirth, you truly don't "get it". It had been a very lonely 18 months and then out of the blue she called b/c she has recently gotten married and is expecting. Now I am expecting and we are having the best time being pregnant together. I've decided to let it go since she will soon experience it all for herself and she will realize (hopefully) that she was wrong. I know that it is hard because best girlfriends are hard to come by (especially long term - we met in 3rd grade) but my best advice is to try and make other "mommy" friends for now and hope that she will come around. As for talking about your pregnancy too much or not..... this is your special time. You shouldn't feel that you have to watch what you say around certain people. Enjoy this miraculous moment in your life!!!! Good luck.

 

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