Mother In Law Issue Is This Strange

14 Replies
SG - August 17

Hi. Now this may seem errogant or even selfish. I am a new mom of a 4 1/2 month old little girl. During my pregnancy and even now my mother in law has bought so much for my daughter. Now purchasing things are fine. She is the type of person to always feel like she needs to "one up" someone or compete. So every time she buys my daughter 3-4 new outfits or buys her something that maybe I'd like to try with her first I feel my skin roll and I cringe! I'm thinking this is because she's my first child and I've noticed that I have like this protection thing with her. Does anyone else understand where I'm coming from? I know she means well, am I completely alone in this? Thanks for your feedback!

 

tiffani~77 days to go!! - August 17

I know exactly how you feel. My mom always has the very best intentions but tends to step up when I least want her to. Not so much with buying my daughter clothes, but more like doing some of the "first" things with her. My daughter went to her first movie with my mom. Went to the beach for the first time with my mom. My mom painted her toenails for the first time. I could go on..... My mom is not compet_tive, she does it purely out of love and the desire to give my daughter a good life. She also does most of these things when she picks my daughter up and keeps her for the night. She does it to give me a break and to give me one on one time with my son, who is 20 months old. I guess we're both fortunate that we (and our children) have such thoughtful women in our lives. We could be so much worse off, but it doesn't change the fact that we've lost some of the control. :o)

 

SG - August 17

Thanks for your reply Tiffani. Although I broke out in a sweat reading it, imagining what I'd do if my MIL did all that. LOL Good luck w/ the new baby.

 

J - August 18

Keep in mind they are new to this grandmother thing. Dependng on how they were raised with their granparents and their personalities make the difference. My mother has low self esteem. My son is the first grandchild on both sides. My mother in law tries to compete, but my mother has got her beat. She is competing for the childs love and attention. Not that the baby is going to remember everything now - (that part makes no sense) but now that my son is 10 things have calmed down a little - he still gets all the toys in the world (my mother and lay-away should never be used in the same sentance). But it has calmed down a lot. I try to discourage her (actually both of them) but you get to a point they are going to do what they are going to do. You can control only so much (I moved to Japan - hahaha!) and things will calm down once they get older. However, I am now pregnant with the second grandchild on both sides and I know it's going to start all over again - especially if it comes out a girl. And we'll be moving back to the states soon. So, the best advice I can give is to just take it with a grain of salt and know that it is love inspired. There are many people out there that could be the total opposite and could give a c___p - be thankful for what you have...

 

N - August 18

my son is the first grandchild on both sides as well. My biggest peeve is when they buy him toys and stuff for his birthday/christmas for THEIR house. I just hate it because he gets all excited that he has something new, and then they won't let him take it home and he gets so upset. (why give him a toy he can't HAVE?) My in-laws also went out and got a highchair and carseat for THEIR house while i was pregnant, even though we were very young and didn't even have those things for ourselves yet! (and could barely afford them at the time) I tried to explain to them that there was no way he would be spending THAT much time there, and we would send him with everything he needed (and more because i overpack for everything) if we were to leave him there for any amount of time.. they didn't listen. None of this would bother me that much if i didn't feel so threatened by the additude i got right after he was born (mil was jealious i b___stfed, and made a point of telling me i was doing everything wrong). Since i've become pregnant again, things have calmed down for now, but like J said, if i have a girl this time, it could start all over again. AHHH! i could go on about this forever....

 

Leahp - August 18

Boy, do I know where you're coming from!!! It was really beginning to freak me out!!! My mil and sil are going crazy, we went to visit them, luckily they live 900 miles away, but they hauled out bags and bags of clothes, most of them being from the second hand store!! I was really starting to freak and told my husband that we're not going to be able to dress our own child or even pick anything out for her since they were out buying everything. He told them to quit buying soo much, but that didn't work. I also made the mistake of asking my mil for a baby pic of herself, since I was going to do neat old photos of all the grandparents, well she took off with that idea, and sent six photos of herself, even an 8x10 and none of my husband when he was a baby, so I told her I needed some of him. So she did send some of him, but she made sure to sneak another one of her in the package and now I'm done with the idea of doing photos of the grandparents since she freaked me out! I know how you feel, it's really overwhelming but everyone tells me to chill out and that I don't have to do anything I don't want, it's our baby, blah blah blah!!! So do just take it with a grain of salt!

 

A - August 18

Well, on one hand I'd be thankful my MIL wanted to be involved, but on the other I can see how you would feel trampled. Really, if I were you, I would take a step back and a___lyze the harm the situation could be causing. If buying a few new outfits isn't hurting you or your baby, maybe just be glad that's money you didn't have to spend. However, if she starts crossing a line (even if out of kindness) to where you feel like you're missing out on doing things with your daughter, you may want to speak to her about. No, not in a hostile way, but just kindly let her know that there are some things you want to share with your daughter. There's nothing wrong with your daughter sharing some special moments with her grandma, but don't step aside and let yourself feel like you're missing out on a lot of important experiences with her. That's my rule regardless of MIL or not.

 

EJR - August 18

I remember when I had my first daughter my MIL thought she had to tell me how to do everything and was always buying her so much stuff. While it is nice that she cares it is often hard to take. It was really bothering me, especially because she felt i should feed her cereal in her mil at a very young age, and would constantly tell me to do so. Finally, I just went to lunch with her and told her that I needed her to give me my space. I told her i know you love her and wants whats best but so do i. And i told her that I dont mind so much that she buys her stuff, but she did have to respect the fact that i am the mom, and trust me to ask her when I needed help or advice. She was more than welcome to tell me things she did or learned from but not harp about them, but only once :) I found after that they our already good relationship only got better, it was like she had a new respect for me for being straight up and honest.

 

Karen - August 18

Well you have to draw the line somewhere. You cant make some even you MIL step all over and take over your life. If you dont get a handle on the sitution it will only get worst. All the best.

 

amb - August 18

Well my MIL is and was the total opposite. When I got pg she told me i ruined her life cause she was too young to be a grandma.... my daughter is now 5 and never hears from them. i dont even know im pg with my second child. and we arent telling them, i told my FIL because him and his wife try to call and send stuff. but my hubbys mothers side could care less. my parents are wonderful and i thank God for that. but im in the position of maybe having to explain to my daughter why they dont call or see her. so either way if they are around or not its a burden on everyone.

 

to amb - August 18

How old is your MIL? That's crazy that she says you ruined her life. Is she the one taking care of the baby? How does this effect her if she's not even in the picture. I think she just wants to be the center of attention and is not now, because there is a new baby. That's what it sounds like to me anyway. At least your parents are there. My MIL lives in another country and my own mother only cares about what her boys are doing, not us girls. She never asked me once so far when I was planning on having kids. I've been married almost 3 years! She's never brought up the kid thing once. I haven't even told her that I'm pg and I'm 6 weeks. I may wait until I'm even farther along. So more than likely my child won't have any grandparents smothering it, unless we move to the country my MIL is at.

 

amb - August 18

hmm i thinks shes about 42 now she was 37 when i had her. I was 17 when i got pg and had my daughter. she has never been ther for my baby and never will be. no on on his moms side is welcome to visit us. they dont call or anything, they called 3 days after her fifth bday to say happy birthday and then didnt send her even a card till christmas. im so glad i live across the country from her. my hubby and i got married when we found out i was pg (been together about 9 years though) and she kicked me out in a blizzard cause shes a drunk. oh man i could go on and on about that crazy bat. oh she threaten CPS on me when my daughter was about 4 weeks old bc i told my hubby to get up with her on the weekend so i could get some sleep. shes only a grandma when she wants attention for herself and no one else. its pretty pathetic.

 

to amb - August 18

Yeah she sounds like she needs a kick in the b___t! It sounds like you are already doing this, but I would just pretend like she doesn't even exist. I mean obviously she doesn't care about your child, so don't have any communication with her whatsoever. It's sounds like she's just an old drunken hag! People like that only care about themselves and only ever will care about themselves. I do feel for you!

 

amb - August 18

Yeah I used to get upset about the way his family is but now please i could care less. i have NO contact with his moms side of the family and I like it just fine. My daughter is the first great-grandchild on that side and they could care less. Even my hubbys grandmother acts like this but yet shes so good to her other grandkids so yeah im accepted the fact that my child is an outsider and always will be and quite honestly im so very happy for that cause she wont have to deal with any drama from them.

 

kEEKEE - August 18

Be happy that your MIL is paying your child attention. My MIL never bought my son anything nor tried to get to know him. Just because he's a boy. She pay favors to girls. Sad but true. Just give her a hug and say thank you. I wish I was in your shoes. I have the MIL from Hell!!!

 

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