Need Advice On Cheating Husband Quick

38 Replies
SAM - August 26

Hi Everyone, I need your advice ASAP. I'm three months pregnant and recently discovered that my husband has been cheating. I don't think that he has slept with her yet, but it's only a matter of time. I hate to admit it but I found out underhandedly....I snooped through his e-mail because I suspected as much. I know it was a horrible thing for me to do, but I'm glad I did because I probably never would have had proof. My question is: How do I bring this up that I know about this? Do I come right out and tell him I snooped (maybe print the sappy sickening e-mails or do I avoid telling him that and just tell him I know regardless of how I found out...or do I do something all together different?? I need to know ASAP I want to talk to him when I get home from work. I can't live with the stress anymore!

 

teigan - August 26

DO NOT STRESS, after all its him who has the problem, you are in a vunerable position right now, and what ever his excuses are, not one can justify what he is doing, come right out and tell him that you know, if you avoid this it will only bottle up inside you and make you very stressed indeed. i can not believe he is cheating on you hes your husband for gods sake, and with you been pregnant makes it even worse to me, have it out with him asap, after all you have done nothing wrong with snooping, you had suspicions and you dealt with them, he should come clean in the first place but he hasnt so bend his ear... and kick his a__s lol

 

Michelle - August 26

I would come right out and tell him. Who cares if he gets madd if you snooped!! He is keeping something from you and going against vows you took. Tell him and dont let him try to deny it.

 

S - August 26

I get so tired of people saying "you shoulnd't have snooped" or "that's what you get for snooping" Who cares!!!! If you get busted, it's his own fault. You need to confront him NOW......I wouldn't wait. That's just messed up!!!! See what else you can find on him! How pregnant are you?

 

michelle - August 26

sam- when our 3rd daughter was 3mos. old i suspected same. i snooped thru emails too, and got the proof same as you. i confronted him immediately and he made the decision to leave and i let him. he didn't want to be with me and he wasnt really sorry so i figured why would i want him around anyway. i know it is painful but i would confront him and then based on his reaction you decide what to do. no one can tell you what is best for you but i will give you a tip...that time was the second time and i knew that if he really loved me he wouldnt have done it first much less a second time. i knew in my heart he wouldnt change and it broke my heart. good luck, i am very sorry for you because i know it will get worse before it gets better...ps...i am now happily remarried to my high school sweetheart and expecting our first (but my 4th) child.

 

SAM - August 26

I know, when looking at the big picture...I'm the one who's in the right. I just know he's going to turn around and point blame at me for snooping. I'm just not good at the arguing thing...never was. 'S', I'm three months pregnant and he's really happy about the pregnancy...I don't get why he'd want to screw it all up?! I hate to admit it too, I don't want to say I read it in your e-mail because he'll go and change his pa__sword and I won't be able to check up anymore...terrible huh? I nkow what I have to do, I'm just terrified to do it. We just got married in October (been together almost 4 years) and just built a house and moved in a few months ago...now the baby. Sometimes I think it might be better to try to ignore it, but at the same time I know better.... anyway thanks for all of your advise!

 

Narcissus - August 26

Confront him with full honesty about how you found out and you will have the right to expect that he be fully honest with you about the affair. You have nothing to hide. He commited a crime far greater than the way you managed to find out. Getting caught often brings out the worst in people so he may try to blame you and turn it around. Also, be wary of the "I am sorry (b/c I was caught) vs the "I am sorry" (b/c cheating is wrong). Best wishes...

 

michelle - August 26

sam- after an infidelity issue, you have every right to demand completely open and honest lines of communication so you can check up on him, he should expect that. you should demand his pa__swords and let him know until he EARNS your trust back all info is open territory, phone calls emails etc. there are ways to work thru this. the first he cheated on me our first daughter was only 5wks old, he had his perfect dream job that he lost because of the affair. he ruined a lot too and i thought the same thing, how could he screw up all that he had. men are enigmas.lol. we did get thru that one with counseling, but like i said i never expected a second time, but knew it would never change. confrontation is the key, unless you want him to continue, because odds are it will until he knows he's caught.

 

Shan - August 26

First off, thats a down low dirty thing of him to do. You should tell him straight away of your findings! Not only is he cheating on you, but he's cheating on your child and you need to let him know that. Let him know how you feel and how its going to affect everything and what a huge mistake he's made. As for your stress, letting him know will take some stress away. In your condition, you shouldn't be stressing. Try to do something for yourself and relax. Its going to be hard with your husbands ignorance, but think of the babys health too.

 

Evy - August 26

Sam, I am sorry for what you are going through. The first thing I want to ask is, are you sure he is cheating? He might just be in contact with this woman innocently. I know that sounds weird but I recently snooped through my dh's e-mail (he knows I snoop and he hates it, but I have some past insecurity issues! lol) and found an e-mail exchange between him and his ex-girlfriend. I was p__sed at first but then I calmed myself down before talking to him. What really worked for us was that I didn't sound accusing. I was hurt, I told him, and I told him that I found this e-mail. He was really open about it and we went through it together and he showed me it was an innocent question about a car (he is a car guy). I have since talked to the ex and it really was totally innocent. He has also promised not to be in touch with her if it makes me uncomfortable. That being said, if you are SURE that he is cheating (like if the e-mail was graphic etc.) then I think you should confront him differently. I definitely think you should tell him you found it out through snooping because you were insecure and that you are now glad you did. I just want to make sure that before this escalates into him feeling like he is being seriously attacked that you are SURE he has feelings for this other woman. I mean, I think many of us women would be liars if we said we never exchanged words, e-mails, etc. with men who were interested in us. But that does not mean we were interested in them. Good luck!

 

SAM - August 26

Evy, unfortunately I know there's soething more than a 'friendship' there. in the e-mail they talk about how great it was to get together the other day (and he told me he'd never meet her without me), how just thinking about her makes him happy, how he had dreamt about her a few times and how much he wants to "be" with her (but because they're both married he'll take what he can get)....blah blah blah. Sure I can almost guarantee that they haven't slept together YET....but it's only a matter of time. Even if they never did sleep together just the way they talk to each other is cheating in my book....am I right?

 

Evy - August 26

Sam, you are definitely right. I am sorry that I had to question it but I know how much it sucks to fight when not necessary. That being said, I do agree with the other women. You need to confront him (even if with the e-mail in hand), but be prepared for major defensiveness on his part. So, it is important that you are also prepared for all the reactions you might get - including the one you are already imagining (him accusing you for snooping.) You could just leave how you found out out of it. I mean, you could just say, I know and I don't need to tell you how. But I know and what are we going to do about it? Where do we go from here? Why do you have these feelings? What is missing in this marriage? Counseling...etc. I really wish you the best of luck. Actually, now as I write this maybe you just want to leave the e-mail out of it. Just talk to him about it first. Please try to stay calm (I know it will be hard.) you don't want this to escalate so that he storms off in defensiveness.....Good luck sweetie. I will be thinking and hoping that everything goes well for you.

 

Narcissus - August 26

How you found out is not the issue at hand. The only reason a person might take issue with their spouse snooping through their email is if they felt they were not trusted. Clearly you did not trust him and clearly, he did not deserve to be trusted. The snooping makes perfect sense! That is "normal" behavior for a couple that lacks trust. He can try to blame this all on you but if he is interested in fixing the marriage, he will understand why you did that and it will not be the focal issue. It will make sense to him.

 

L - August 26

I've been in your husband's shoes. Several years ago I worked with a man whose friendship I really enjoyed. It started out as going to lunch in the cafeteria, to going out for lunch, to having a huge crush and missing him during the weekend. We were never intimate. My husband figured out what was happening and we had a really good talk about it one night that lasted all night. I say "talk" instead of "confronted" because he wasn't confrontational at all. I think if he had been confrontational I would have been defensive or angry and it would have gotten us nowhere. At first I denied everything, but he kept a__suring me that he was it was OK to be honest and he wouldn't be judgemental. Finally he calmly asked me if I wanted to try to work this out together or get a divorce. That question hit me hard because for the first time I realized where my actions were taking me. I love my husband and the way he handled this situation made me love him more than ever. This happened over 9 years ago and there is nothing I would do to ever jepordize my marriage or make him lose his trust in me. I never questioned how he found out this was going on, but I thank God everyday that he did. Best wishes to you!

 

Evy - August 26

L, nicely put. I totally agree with the way you deciphered talked with confronted. I think the reality is, that people naturally get defensive. It has little do with wanting to save a relationship or not wanting to. I think it is important that when you talk to him to both don't feel in positions where you have to be defensive (you for defending why you snooped and he for defending why he is doing this.) Yes, he should have to explain it and he was wrong - but you both need to stay rational. The reality is that when emotions fly this is not always the case.

 

L - August 26

Yes Evy, when you're married your are one half of a team and you need to approach every crisis as a member of that team and not a solo player. That's something I learned that night. As difficult and uncomfortable as I was that night, looking back it was one of the best evenings of my life. I learned more about myself, my husband, and marriage that evening. I now know that we can face any crisis together and we'll get through it just fine.

 

SAM - August 26

Evey no worries, I don't mind you asking if I was sure...it's a legitimate question. L, thank you for telling me your story. It kind of puts a different spin on they way I’m seeing things. Although I still don’t understand why he’s doing this, your story helped me to calm down a bit and realize that we need to talk about it before I freak out. Can I ask how he brought the subject up? I’m just not sure how to start without sounding confrontational. I really want to fix it not end it. Thank you everyone for your advice…I really needed to hear kind words from sane rational people :)

 

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