Partners Left Me

5 Replies
ally - October 25

Hi, many of u may be familiar with my name and i want some advice or to hear from women who have gone thru this. We had our daughter 5 months ago and none the less as i have said its like getting hit in the face bringing home a baby, its life changing. My partner and i get along brilliantly and there have been times in the past he has left, he has hurt me and my love for him is too strong that i forgive too much. This time he has left me with my baby saying there is no spark left, we dont have s_x anymore or intimacy, i guess we are both too tired caring for our baby and he is working and waking at 530 am. The little things dont happen anymore, buying flowers, him shaving as often, me being out and buying him a little something, compliments to one another, etc i didn't realise how different it had become. He was once married and said he doesn't want it to be the same so he has opted to leave. The sad thing is we don't often fight and he doesn't want to stay and fix things, it can all go back to how it was with some effort but he would rather go. I think he is bored with how our lives have become, can't do as much as we used too etc. Even the intimacy part we have done that but he can't understand it hurt when i pushed her out and i am still trying to get past it. He wants intimacy but theres nothing in return, you look nice today, anything, theres nothing. We have been together 4 yrs and i am very sad he has done this to me. Again we got along brilliantly its just been the last few months i would say things have changed. He said he has stayed while its been like that and he isnt taking the easy way out, he should have spoken up a long time ago. I think he may just not want the responsibilty and instead is leaving me with it all. I hurt because he doesn't even want to try because we r a family now and we have so much history. My question is has this happened to anyone? Where so that instead of the baby bringing u closer in some ways its drifted u apart with constant routine etc, i can't blame having her as the cause but the change that followed after bringing her home was huge. He has a pattern of when things are getting tough he gets going. We have shared some special moments with our child and i love her to death. We both deserve more than what we have been dealt with today by him. He is my best friend and what hurts more than ever is he has done some terrible things to me in the past and i have never opted for the easy option, in honesty he doesn't deserve us. Sorry to drag it on but im interested in hearing from anyone who has been left with the baby so to speak, regards ally.......

 

Lisa - October 25

Ally...I am so sorry. I have heard of marriages ending because of a baby; men or women or both think their lives won't change because of a baby on the way when if fact your world does a complete 180. But you have to work at a relationship; you can't just throw in the towel everytime you hit a bump and that sounds what he is like. It's easier for him to walk out on you and your child together then to be a man about it and work things out. If there is no love there anymore there is no point in staying in the relationship, but there are ways to go about these things. After all, it's not just you and him anymore. I would be devestated as well, and I wish I could give you a hug right now. If he does not want to stay and fix things there is really nothing you can do to make him stay. I wish I had another answer for you. Does have plan on having any thing to with your child in the future? Is he going to be there for your child in other ways or is he going to leave you alone to fend for yourself and your baby?

 

kris A. - October 25

Ally, please hear what I have to say, as my ex did the same to me many years ago. 14 years ago my then husband, whom I also loved very much, was forced to admit his affairs when he got caught. I stood by him because we had an eight month old baby. A year later, twins came. He again had an affair, walked out, then came back. And I took him back. And such became our marriage. A 12 year span consisting of some really great times intermixed with women on the side, drunken binges, and eventually him leaving for the last one. He left behind an emotionally scarred 11 year old girl, two nine year olds who didn't understand where daddy was, me with no self esteem left - but, thank god, a great job and a support system who didn't let my severe depression turn to suicide. After several years I pulled myself out of the black hole, and a man found me who not only healed my heart but the hearts of the children. SAVE YOURSELF AND YOUR CHILD THAT GRIEF. Let him go, and find your support system and heal. If you and he find your way back to each other, insist on counseling, but always be true to yourself and your child. I wish you the best.

 

Lisa - October 25

Ally, I come from a divorced family. My biological father never wanted me and he was horrible to my mother. She left him when I was three and later met my new father who I love more than life and who I consider to be my real dad. If she did not do that, I would have missed out on him and my brother who came along 5 years later. We are all so much happier and our family is very tight and bonded. I think you should have your cry; there is nothing wrong with it. You're right, people don't just get up one day and decide they don't love you anymore, he's been thinking this for a while. It's going to be really hard for you, but I know in the long run this will be better for you and your baby. She is better off growing up with the love of one parent, then seeing no love between two parents infront of her eyes everyday. That I can speak from experience.

 

HH - October 26

Ally, I have to agree with some of the other ladies. If he has a history of going when the going gets tough, there will never be any way to keep him. YOu are the one doing all of the bending over backwards. It shouldn't be so one-sided. Do not make excuses for him. Do not try to figure him out. I know it hurts, but you have no control over him. All you can do is protect yourself from him by not allowing him back in. You and Alycia don't need to have a topsy turvy life. A man who is only in it for the fun times is barely in it at all. Let him go. Cherish your baby. Live your life for the two of you! I hope your heart heals quickly. Good luck.

 

ally - October 26

nikki and hh u give good advice and i agree its not fair that he is doing his own thing and i am the full time mum, he got no end of breaks while i seemed to have very few from the parenting stuff, at the same time i wouldnt swap with him, i would rather be here taking care of my baby than on my own. In the meantime i have cried and i am trying not too. This is a pattern with him and hh really cant put it any better than my daughter and i dont deserve a topsy turvy life, i do agree theres no point trying to figure him out cause like i said in one breath he was asking us to go to qld, the next he would never leave his child and then the next there is no spark left and he wants to part ways. Thanx for ur input and i will keep u posted. He says we r a family and we are and i still cant believe he has abandoned us and won't try to work at it, and nikki who knows if he is coming back but i think this time its hurt far more as he has left 2 ppl. One day u just dont look back and u refuse to let ppl in that hurt you, this could be that time cause i am a good person and not deserving of any of this. This could be a decision he may regret someday.

 

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