Please Help-pg111295118618

30 Replies
laurie - April 8

I found out last week that I am pregnant. My boyfriends initial reaction was shock, as was mine, and we are unsure what to do. I had an abortion with the same guy aroung 4 years ago, as i was too young at the time, and i took the decision with regretably little thought..it seemed easier to not soul search, however immediatly after i was full of sadness, regret and guilt, which has affected me since. i still burst into tears when i think about it. We knew we had to thoroughly discuss all our options this time, and have done nothing but since, but i just cannot make the decision. the thought of a termination makes my cry, and fills me with dread, whereas the thought of a baby makes me happy, but also really scared, worried and unsure.On wednesday I was rushed to hospital with a suspected ectopic pregnancy, which thankfully was a scare, and the pregnancy was confirmed and i am 7 weeks 5 days along today. Both me and my boyfriend saw the ultrasound scan, and the nurses gave me a picture to take home. I thought that this would help us reach a decision, as during the scare all i had was a will that the baby would be okay. however my b/f says it has just made him feel more comfortable with the idea of termination, as he saw the scan as 'a bunch of cells' , he says he cannot feel guilt at thinking that is best. i know we are possibly too young to have a baby (both 220 but we have our own house, jobs etc. for me i have pretty much decided to keep the baby, but i can't help think the other option may be best. my b/f doesnt want to force me into anything, but when he says things like 'i'll give it a go, but i can't make any promises' i am so scared that i will be leftalone with a child. it sounds selfish but i could not handle being a single mum, and i want my baby to grow up in a loving family. my mum was 19 when she had me, and though she gave me her best and loves me very uch i know she will be disappointed as she doesnt want me to miss out on the things she did.i just dont know what to do. i know time is of the essence and i must make my decision, but it is so hard. does anyone have a similar experience?it would help me a lot to hear...

 

Misty - April 8

Hi Laurie, sorry for what you are going through. I did go through something similar but it was easier for me as both my then boyfriend and I both wanted the baby. I was 19 when I got pregnant, 20 when I had the baby, and I am now 22 and pregnant with our second. My boyfriend and I are now engaged and going through the process of buying our first home. You are the same age as me and I already have a 2 year old. Yes, I do think that it caused me to miss out on a few minor things, like being able to stay out all night partying with friends and enloying not having responsibility. But that is about it. Now I still go out with friends but it is an occasional thing, I have to plan for it. Being a good parent to your child just does mean giving up some freedom. For me though it was worth it. I can take my son to the park or to Disney or things like that, things for him, and I get such pleasure out of seeing how happy he is. Everyones life is different and you might not be ready now, but I mostly think you are and you are just afraid of your boyfriend leaving you. I wouldn't give up what I have with my son for anything. To me he is so much more precious than any time spent hanging out. Everything else you can do with your child, traveling and things like that. This is a very personal decision for you though. You need to think of when you want to have kids and how old you want to be when they are grown and factor in your boyfriend. No matter what anyone else says it will be difficult for you if your boyfriend decides to leave. But, how long have you two been together? He should be in for this no matter what. He did after all have a hand in creating what you are now talking about. And if you want to say anything to try to change his mind then let him know that a babies heart begins to beat at something like 6-8 weeks. So your little one probably already has a heartbeat.

 

The Truth - April 8

I think that you should go through with his pregnancy, you said that you already had an abortion before b/c you was to young well now your not s_x most of the time leads to pregnancy if you don’t want a child use protection or no s_x.

 

kat - April 8

i agree with the last post!

 

leslie - April 8

I think you should keep the baby..I was like you scared, worried and unsure..but then, everyone is when is their first child. My bf would be kind of the same..(I am 19 going to be 20) Mybf would say things like "I am not sure but is your desition" or " you are too young" or "we are not going to be able to travel anymore" i would cry almost everyday thinking that he did not wanted the baby and did not care what happened to it, now I am 3 mths preg. and he is on top of me all the time saying "how are my babies, thinking about names, saying he wants it to look like me, etc..I think that they just need to get familiar to the idea..thats what he said. One time he got home and said ..today I was thinking I am REALLY going to be a dad!! since, he hasn't stopped been so nice..I think your bf just needs time. Imagine if You still feel bad from your last aboriton..you will be tramautized if you have another one..Good Luck! Keep us poseted.

 

laurie - April 9

...to misty, and leslie thanks...it helps to hear that it worked out great for you. as for partying and hanging out, im pretty much bored of all that, and mainly my friends just come here for movies and a gla__ss of wine..so that wouldnt have to change too much!i know that this would be the most precious and important thing in my life and so wouldnt mind giving up a few things, in exchange for what a child would bring!we did see the heartbeat, and the baby moving around on the scan, but as it wasnt clear i think he mistook it for 'a bunch of cells'. i have told him otherwise, and tried to show him uteroscopy pictures of babys at this stage, but he wont look..saying it would make it more difficult if we decide not to keep it. we have been friends since we were 13 and together for 6 years, living together for almost 5 and plan marriage at some point, so our relationship definitley has future potential.....................and to 'the truth' , i am not some irresponsible teen, i took birth control, never missing one and guess i just fell into the 2% of times it doesnt work. we have no need for condoms as this is a trusting monogomous relationship. i cant help but think he just neeeds time to get used to the idea..it is admittedly a terrifying prospect...but i wouldnt want to make the decision entirely on my own. both of us made this baby and it would be both of our responsibilty. too often people say ' it takes two to make a baby etc etc' when a guy tries to run away, but forget that such a decision as this has to be made by us both. i would not let hiime force me to do anything, but both of our felings and fears must be considered with this....i have actually booked a consultation at marie stopes, as i will be going through the nhs and the waiting list is absurd....the appointment isnt for another 6 weeks, with a 3- 4 week wait after that if i decide to go ahead...which would mean the baby would be at 17 - 18 weeks gestation. that alone makes me sure i will not go ahead, but i thought it best to book 'just in case' so i have time to really think. so anyway...thanks and i will keep those of you with kind words rather than misplaced and nasty accusations posted on what happens with us.

 

X - April 9

There really is never a RIGHT time to have a baby. You are luckier than some (that you got pregnant at all) and that you have the basic needs-- a house, jobs etc. You are still suffering from the decision you made 4 years ago-- that should make you not even doubt what to do this time. Besides, if you really did not want this, you should have used protection. Also, there are no guarantees in life, but only consciously made decisions in the past that make up who we are today. Can you live with 2 abortions / double the pain? Be strong for your baby's sake. Your Mom's life will never be exactly the same as yours. And the best you or anyone could give a child is a strong, loving Mom.

 

laurie - April 9

as i said before i was using protection...the pill...regularly..i never missed one...

 

laurie - April 11

things have now changed...my boyfriend has gone from saying that he would support whatever decision i made and give it his best, to saying i have to have an abortion, as having a child now would ruin the rest of our lives. he believes it is not up to me to make the final decision as he will be affected just as much..everything i say otherwise has been snubbed..like i do not think i can go through with an abortion and that it just 'feels right' to keep this baby. he says i am being hormonal and that these are not good enough reasons to have a baby at our age. i dont know what to do.

 

Foxy - April 11

I think you should have the baby (not that I'm anti-abortion!), because it caused emotional trauma for you last time and I can only think if you put yourself through this again, you will feel even worse, especially having seen a photo of your child. It may look like a blob now but in just 3 weeks it will be looking like a baby. Having a baby is scary for most people, even if they desperately want one. I'm scared, and I walked willingly into pregnancy. We all worry about the future, and how we will cope, or if we will make good parents. There's no guarantee that your boyfriend will stick around forever even if you have the abortion, so don't let him push you around. I'm so sorry he is putting you through this, I hate to hear of women that are being bullied into abortion! He's not the one who's had it growing inside him, he won't be an emotional and hormonal wreck if you go through with it. Is there anyone else who can support you at least emotinally if you have the baby and he turns his back on you? Family? Friends? I know it's hard to ask for help, but you should do it for your own sake. Best of luck.

 

laurie - April 11

thanks foxy..its good to hear rea__surance. i am reluctnt to tell my family as my mum has ben through a lot trying to concieve in the past...5 miscarriages and 2 ectopics resulting in a hysterectomy. i know she is strongly against abortion, so until i know for definite i am keeping this baby i would rather her not know. as for friends..well thats quite difficult too. all my old friends have left london or live back in my hometown, and as i havent been here so long i dont have many 'true' friends yet. i dont want to talk about this over the phone. maybe i will ask some friends to come stay with me for a while...or talk to my newer friends about it..its this kind of thing that helps forge friendships after all!

 

Mindy - April 11

that is very true laurie...just a suggestion...if you think you are ready for a child or you can't bare going through another abortion...screw your boyfriend...between help with the state and your family i'm sure you won't have a thing to worry about...it may be a struggle but i promise it is soooo worth it...you will never experience the love you will have with a child...you link you love your boyfriend...just wait til you see that helpless face just a crying until you pick it up in your loveing ares then everything is ok...or when it recognizes your voice and just a smile at the sound of it...or when they get older and you leave them with a sitter and you come back and they come running up too you...mommy, give you a hug and a kiss with a huge smile on their face and say i love you mommy!!!! it makes your heart melt....also if your mom was having such a difficult time with birth...maybe she might consider adopting it the you'd still beable to see it when ever!!...good luck with all....but don't let your boyfriend rule your life...i know ya'll have been together for a while...but your family will always be there reguarless he most likely won't!!! not if talking to you this way...honey i'll keep you in my prayers and don't get pushed around....you've got a heart and feeling too! :)

 

M - April 11

Hi...termination is never an easy topic to discuss. I'm 19 and 6 months pregnant. I got pregnant while in the military with a man going through a divorce. For the first two months I let him try to convince me to have an abortion but deep down inside I knew it wasn't what I wanted. So I finally decided I was going to keep it not matter what he said and if I had to be a single mother so be it. When I told him he said some very hurtful things even that he wouldn't love the baby. We tried to work things out together but it just didn't work. Well here I am 6 months pregnant and happy as ever. As long as you have a strong support system at home either with friends or with family you should always trust your instinct if something is telling you not to have the abortion than you shouldn't go through with it. I will trade in all the things I miss to raise my child. What harm can a child do? Well I hope everything works out for you whichever route you take. Take care yourself.

 

Steph - April 11

Laurie -- I am so sorry for what you are going through. First let me just say that this truly is your decision and of course you want to make the right decision for both yourself and your BF, but you do also have to remember that this is happening to your body and more so to your emotions. Having said that, Have you talked over with him what you went through the last time you had the abortion and how it has affected you since? You sound like you are pretty settled in your lives, you live together, have a house and both have careers. You are 22 and sound like you probably are both in this relationship for the long haul, already being together at least 4 years. I would tell you that my advice would be to not have the abortion -- agian, this is your decision. I am not totally anti abortion, but I do think there are circ_mstance where it is justifyable and I just don't think in my mind this is one. You are in what seems to be a stable and loving relationship and pretty stable in your own life and even though you took all the proper precautions, happened to get pregnant which in my eyes is an absolute blessing. There are many people who are not so fortunate ever in their lives to be able to experience even one pregnancy and birth. You have been given that opportunity to be a Mom and hopefully a family with your BF, what a blessing. I am so sorry for what you are going through and I know that it must be a hard decision to have to make, I would just encourage you to make sure that if you are not going to have this baby, that you are 100% sure of that decision and have absolutely no doubt in your mind that it is what is best and what YOU TRULY want. My prayers are with you -- Keep up posted

 

laurie - April 12

thanks again guys...i know in my heart what to do...as for my mum adopting the baby..hell no! i dont want our family to turn into some kind of easenders storyline!....but i do know my friends and family will give me all the love and support they can. my boyfriend is well aware of the affects of the abortion...but as it didnt hurt him as much i dont think he will ever truly understand. to be honest, after last time i was terrified i had made myself infertile, as for about a year afterwards my periods were very strange...not at all regular and quite dark and thick at times...i used to panic that it was my uterus rotting away as punishment for what i did (harsh i know..but goes to show how upset i am by what i did)...my real concern is my job. i work as a runner and a__sistant on film and television sets at the moment which means very long unsociable hours, lots of travelling and dismal pay. i dont have the experience for a promotion yet, nor would i get one if i disclosed my pregnancy...so i would have to leave this job. i am worried that no one else would employ an expectant woman....so really i need the support of my boyfriend..which he says hes willing to try and give...but thats not good enough.. i just don't know what to do. i wish this had come at a time when that little blue line would have made me so happy, and been the most exciting thing i could have wished for.

 

Foxy - April 12

I was a runner for a very short time for an animation studio, so I know how c___p the pay is and I know it's not an easy job to do when pregnant either. Is your boyfriend willing to help you financially? Would your mother be able to help look after the baby if you got another job or went back to college? It's a really tough situation to have to be in, I don't envy you. Have you found out if you're ent_tled to any kind of maternity allowance? It's not much but it will help. Glad to hear you have good friends and family who will support you.

 

laurie - April 12

well i trust my boyfriend not to run out of the door1 he is sure to be around and support me for now, as we have always pooled and shared whatever money we have...its just the future i am concerned about as he wont make any promises of commitment. i am just looking into benefits..seems i can get a maternity allowance if neccesary and possibly a 'sure start' maternity grant of £500 which would be a huge help for buying all the neccesary stuff

 

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