Pregnancy Upsetting My Sister

6 Replies
Jodie86 - June 22

Firstly, i just wanted to say that i really don't mean to upset anyone, and if i do then i appologise now! Ok, I'm 20 years old, and my sister is 18. About 4 months ago she told me she was pregnant. She wasn't going to keep it, and was booked in for a termination. I got really upset by this, as me and my dp have been trying for a while. We both have brilliant jobs, live together etc, a baby would be perfect for us! Anyway, she was at college, living with my parents still, no job etc. I put all my feelings aside though and promised my sister i'd be there for her no matter what. She's still my best friend at the end of the day! Anyway, she got booked in for her termination, and she seemed fine! Laughing, joking around etc. Me and dp went away for one weekend, and when we got home, i found out my sister was having a miscarrige. I was with her all day on Sunday, and sat with her through every contraction holding her hand. I'll never forget that day. The ambulance arrived and whisked her and my mum away. The next time i saw her was on the Tuesday, and she was back to normal! She was still bleeding, but she told me she felt fine! She acted it too. I know my sister, and i know she was lying, so i just made sure i phoned her a lot and went round to see her. After a couple of weeks she was fine and looing forward to her 18th in April, arranging her party etc, and everything seemed to be back to normal! But then, i missed my period. After everything that had been going on i'd totally forgotten everything about baby making! I mean you would wouldn't you! Anyway, i found out i was pregnant! I made sure though that my sister was the first to know, i thought the last thing i want is for her to find out from someone else and get all upset! She was over the moon when i told her! She was so happy! For the first couple of months she was fine with everything, taking me baby shopping etc. I felt i had to keep saying to her 'if this ever gets too much for you, all you have to do is say, and I'll shut up!' But, nope, she wouldn't hear anything of it! Anyway, i recently heard my babies heart beat for the first time! It was amazing! I phoned and told my Mum about it, and she said 'oh well, don't tell anyone just yet....let me break the news to your sister first, that was why she misscarried, the babies heart stopped' I dont mean to sound funny, but all the way through, i've been incredibly supportive of my sister, and she's been fine with everything! When something bad happens you 'break' the news to them, not when you hear your babies heart beat! I'm just so angry! Do you think i'm over reacting? When i showed them the scan picture too, they both looked at it and went 'oh thats nice' and walked off! The thing is though, is that when her bf isn't there shes lovely about everything, but when he is, she acts all upset! I mean 2 days after the m/c and she was running around, drinking, going out etc. And now me and my baby are having to tip toe round her. I don't want to come across as being harsh, i would do anything to avoid upsetting anyone, but i'm 4 months now, known for 3, if she has a problem why not just say it? Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with this at all??? I really need help! Sorry for the long post! And again sorry if i've offended anyone! xxxx

 

kristie h - June 22

Hi Jodie, I dont think you are over reacting. Im in the sam situation but im in your sisters shoes. I found out i was pregnant then a few days later my sister found out she was pregnant we were due a week apart. But then at 5 weeks i had a miscarriage. The way your sister is with you i am with mine. I think she doesnt mean to be like this but now that you have herd you babys heart beat its becoming reality to her and she may find it hard to bare with for a while. I dont know how long ago your sister had her miscarriage but the feeling of losing her baby could could still be very roare. From personal experiance i put a band over a very deep wound that still bleeds to this day and untill that heals into a scar she will be like this if you get what i mean. I dont know what your sister is like but she may put on a brave face and never tell you or anyone how she is realy feeling but i know most likley when she is by herself she will cry and may even cry herself as i know the pain is that bad. Im not telling you what to do but just be patiant with her, as time goes by she will deal with things better and she will come around. I know this will be upsetting for you for the way she is, if i was to give you advise i would say to talk about the pregnancy when she mentions it that way she wont feel as though you are rubbing it in if you get what i mean. I hope this helps i dont mean anything wrong if thats the way its sounds i thought i would post as i am standing in her shoes at this point in time. Congrats on you pregancy!

 

kristie h - June 22

PS: i have also herd alot of ladies on the pregnancy loss forum that deal with there loss quite good but when you hear that sumone close to them is pregnant it hits home prtty hard as they watch that persons pregnancy grow and all they think about is i would of been that big, i would of heard the babies heart beat by now ect ect. It just brings back all the emotions of the loss. You and your sister sound very close plz dont let this get in the way as i will stress to you give her time she will come around and most likley be the most proudest auntie you may have ever known of. Godd luck xxx

 

Erynn21 - June 22

Hi Jodie, I have a story also dealing with a m/c only it's not my sister it's my best friend. Last Nov. she told me she was pg. I was happy and I was a little jealous, because my hubby and I were having some problems and one of the main reasons was I really wanted a baby. My hubby didn't really believe me, granted we have been married for 10yrs. and it was something the 2 of us had talked about, but weren't really ready for. Well my best friend tells me she pregnant and I freaked out (not to her of course) it just made me sad that my husband didn't want to have kids with me, he just thought it was a whim. Well I got depressed for about 2 days until he finally asked what was wrong and we had a huge talk and he realized this was serious and we were ready. Well we decided we would "try" to have a baby. Needless to say I got pg instantly, and my friend had a m/c @ the same time. When I confirmed my test I was so freaked out I wouldn't talk to anyone, and I am a chatterbox. No going out on NewYears(I was a month along) nothing. I wouldn't really talk to anyone, I felt guilty to tell my friend that I was pg and here she'd lost her baby, it made me feel so bad. Now here I am @ 29 weeks and she still hasn't gotten pg. she's thinking something is wrong with her and on and on. I have started feeling guilty again because I was jealous of her in the beginning when she was pg, then she has a m/c and now sometimes I feel she may be jealous of me, it's hard. She is very supporttive, but I feel an air of sadness also. Miscarriage is really hard for women to deal with especially when someone they know is having a healthy pregnancy, it makes them wonder what the hell is wrong with me? I know my friend feels like that, she's told me. Your sis was fine when the decision was hers, but when the decision was out of her hands it changes things, she needs to heal, and that may take awhile. I hope this helps.

 

Jodie86 - June 22

Kristie and Erynn thank you for your comments! Me and my sister have always been close! I love her to bits! The thing is, all the way through this, i've always said to her, if this gets to much, then all she has to do is say! I spoke to her a few weeks ago, and she said she was annoyed at me for not being excited about it, but i only wasn't around her as i didn't want her to feel like i was rubbing it in her face! I just feel like i can't really win! But i also feel a bit like she's trying to continue her pregnancy through me....if that makes any sense?? I just love her so much, but i'm madly in love with my baby too! I want to scream it from the roof tops! I've had a m/c too! So i know how everything feels! At the start of my pregnancy, my sister always use to say things to me about how i could miscarry at any time, and i just use to ignore them, but i did use to get my self in knots with worry too! Kristie, thank you for sharing your story with me, i so hope your dreams come true! Erynn, thank you also, i was so worried people would get upset by my post! I'm pleased they haven't! Erynn congrats on your pregnancy! I hope you have a very happy, healthy 9 months!

 

mcatherine - June 22

Jodie86 - everyone deals with loss differently. Just because your sister made the decision to have her pregnancy terminated, it doesn't mean she didn't love or want her baby. Look at where you are in life compared to her - two very different places. And when she needed you - you stepped up, and you didn't judge, you just loved her. Erynn21 is right - the choice was taken from her and miscarriage is devastaing to any woman, no matter what their attachment to the pregnancy was. When you needed her - she stepped up, too, Jodie and I from what you say - it sounds like she tried very hard to push her pain aside for the matter of your feelings. Hearing the heartbeat for the first time is a milestone that is so wonderful for every pregnant mother, but try and put yourself in your little sister's shoes - her baby's heart failed to beat and until you have expereinced that yourself, you can never imagine how hard it is for someone. Right now, it's hard for both of you. Your sister has the right to greive, but you have the right to be happy. It's a tough situation and I have been there, not once, but three times. I lost two children to fetal demise and watched while my sister and sister -in-law carried two beautiful children to term - never once one of them mentioning to me my loss or asking if it was hard for me - just expecting happiness from me at all times. I just held it all inside and tried to deal with it. I lost a son at 22 weeks and watched as my sister-in-law (who was 6 weeks behind me) go on to have a healthy little boy, but she couldn't understand why I didn't want to come to the hospital when he was born to partake in their joy. Do you think they knew or even considered that my husband and I sat home that day and cried in each other's arms until there were no tears left to cry becasue we were still mourning the loss of our child? I don't think your overreacting - I think it's normal to want everyone around you to be happy for you and to want the attention new mothers-to-be get, but I also think your sister may be hurting more than you care to know at this time and your mother may be trying to protect her youngest daughter from a very deep pain - something you will understand much more once you have this baby and realized just how deeply a mother's love is. Give her time, Jodie - and try letting her know it's ok to be sad about her loss. She'll come around eventually. After all, she's going to be an aunt! Congratulations on your pregnancy and I hope it brings you all the happiness you are in search of!

 

HannahBaby - June 22

I dont think that you are overreacting either. Your sister had a miscarriage before she could have the abortion.....Why would this upset her? She never wanted the baby that she lost in the first place. I think your parents are overreacting as well. They cant prove that the babies heart stopped beating and that caused the miscarriage (it could have been a genetic defect, but obviosuly in all deaths the heart stops beating) Dont let anyone ruin this special time in your life, pregnancy is the most amazing thing in the world and its only 9 short months. I would talk to your sister again and leave your parents out of it. She seemed ok until your parents said something. Good luck and congrats on your pregnancy

 

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