Stepchild Own Child

47 Replies
SadPrego - April 20

My boyfriend believes I should give the same priority to my stepdaughter as I would my own child. Although I've known the daughter for about 7 years (she's now 13) and we have a good relationship, I still feel like she's my young friend. I would protect her and will honestly not show favoritism between her and my child to be when both are around.However, she has her own mother ( whom I don't get along with but is civil towards). Sometimes when she is with us (every other weekend and 2 schooldays a week) and is asked to do something she doesn't want to do she says 'you're not my Mom' or 'Mom don't want me to do that'...makes it even clear who I am in her life. I'm clearheaded, fair, and confident that I'm a good person. But I disagree with boyfriend. Any comments? Am I right in thinking and feeling that there IS a difference with the responsibility and priority between the two (stepchild/own child) as far as I am concerned?

 

Becca - April 20

There is defiantly a difference. Although you have known her for several years, you are not her mother. Thats wht she says things like that to you. Has your boyfriend stood behind you and told her that she has to listen to what you say? He should support you when dealing with her. There will be totally different feelings between the too. You WILL be a mom to someone. I think you are totally right for feeling like that. I would too!

 

SadPrego - April 20

My boyfriend is supporting me but his idea of us being a perfect family is just over the line of what I think is a fact. That she is my stepdaughter and I will most likely not alter life changing decisions based on HER. I don't even feel the right to do so. But my own child? Heck, yeah.

 

Karen - April 20

I have a young step daughter of whom I have cared for emtionally , phycially and finanically at times. Now that I am preg with my own I have given it some taught and I know that things are going to change. Not saying that I wont be there on all those levels but it is definately different. Sorry my child comes first. She also has a mother who I deal with in a civil manner for the sake of the sitution. Her mother will have to realize that she has to take some responsiblity as well and my bf cant do it all cause he has another to care for.I can relate cause the mother seems to have a problem with me caring for the child, sorry to say but I think she feels that I can do a better job than she, which I can. That is another story to get into not preg site. Your definatly right in your thinking. We had a talk (bf and I) and I told him she has to realize that she cannot expect him to do everything cause now he has another to care for. Priority definatly lies with your own child.

 

MJ - April 20

OK, I am a stepchild - and I am not proud to say I pulled the "you're not my dad" bit with my mom's then boyfriend and now husband, though I had known him literally my entire life. What seemed to work with my brother and I was him sitting us down, first alone and then with my mom, and explaining to us that he is not our father and never wanted to try to interfere with any relationship we had between our father (who we lived with for a time). He did say that while we were with my mom and in their home we needed to respect him and his wishes and that he should be treated with the respect of any adult and with special attention to the fact that if we fought it made my mom upset. At that time I was 13 and my younger brother was 12. We then understood what he was trying to do - he was trying to help my mom raise us right in the little bit of time she had with us. And when we eventually moved in with them, we had more difficulties, but we got to a point where my step dad would remind us that he knew we had a father but he wanted us to see him as an adult friend who helped us though life. It's just a thought and it may not work, but is sure is stressful for you I bet. We are here for you....best of luck!!!!!

 

SadPrego - April 20

Thanks, y'guys. I'm sitting here crying a bit because I don't want to think that I'm being selfish to feel this way.

 

minx - April 20

you are very selfish. if I was the stepdaughter of course i am more important. I came first in my father's life so I am his first priority and not the new llittle monster. no f******* way!!!!

 

MJ - April 20

Minx - you are a freakin nutcase. SadPrego -you are not selfish, you just have to keep thinking of yourself as a mentor, someone to help your stepdaughter through stuff when she is with you. Set your bounderies, and love her regardless. But the love for your own child who you gave birth to will always be a different kind of love and you shouldn't feel bad about that.

 

minx - April 20

Blaaaaaaah it is a clear picture. I came first and i have needs. if me and the little troll both have needs mine should go first. but ill be sweet to you too that you wont know hehe

 

MJ - April 20

Minx....so there is the stuff called Prozac - try it - it might help the voices

 

minx - April 20

I have a stepmom who is sugary sweet my own Mom said shes going to puke!!! haha and she is such a bummer when I ask my dad something so when she leaves the room i just say "daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaadddddy" and flutter my eyelashes and he sometimes gives in but when shes around he is hard on me and always asks her. Mom and i are tired of it and we are planning to get something bigger for me so it doesnt matter if he gives me anything for a while.ill get as much as what my dad could give me so there will be little or none left for that accident of a baby

 

leslie - April 20

I think its ok to feel this way...I mean its a big difference no matter what...and if she can say "I don't have to do that,you are not my mom" then you can tell her in certain ocasions "well I cant beacause I am not your mom" I think its just fair.. Good luck!

 

disgusted - April 21

some of you people really need to burn alive. all of a sudden you no longer want to play mommy to your stepchild because you're about to have one of your own. talk about selfish...u better watch it because the man above see's all things.

 

Lynn - April 21

I am in the same situation with you & yes, there is a difference. My husband & I both equally "parent" his son on the weekends that he is with us. My mother in law has pushed the "happy little family" thing on me since before we got married, she's always pushed me to take care of him, help him with schoolwork, that sort of thing & now that I have one of my own on the way, I can honestly tell you that this one will be my first priority. I don't expect my husband to put one child before the other, I would hope that he loves each equally in their own unique ways, but honestly, my child will always come first in my life. That's just how it is & there is nothing wrong with that. Do you put your friend's kids in front of your because you have known them longer & maybe helped care for them when they were babies? No you don't.

 

Lynn - April 21

I just wanted to add that your stepchild will probably never think of you as his or her Mom...why should it be necessary for you to think of him or her as your own child?

 

Karen - April 21

People need to stop having one track minds to disgusted unless your in the sitution then do not pa__s judgement. I sure that you would not want your parents putting someone else above you. No matter what anyone thinks. MY CHILD COMES FIRST. I sure every mother thinks that way. How the father of the children react is up to him, although I would not want him to show any difference. We not saying we would show the child any difference in love but in certain aspects our child holds a much dearer place(come on it is only natural)

 

Heidi - April 21

I'm glad my fiance's kids live across the united states just for this reason. Sad to say but it's true. He gets his oldest daughter, 7, in the summer for a little bit and she just loves me. She never wants to go home and it hurt seeing her go cus she hated being with her mom and loved me to death. But of course as soon as she let her mother know this, she quit answering the phone when we'd call. Nice. She makes sure we have as little contact as possible so her daughter forgets. I used to look forward to her coming and hoped some day she'd stay with us permanantly but now being pregnant with my own, I feel the opposite. It was always too much stress and struggle dealing with his ex about their kids that I just don't even bring it up anymore. He thinks some day she'll get to live with us but I don't forsee it and I'm not going to bust my a__s fighting to get her when I have my own child to worry about. I feel terrible saying this because his daughter truely adores me when she's here but then not being able to even talk to her for a year after she's gone is totally unfair and I'm sick of playing those games with his ex. I know if they lived closer they'd probably be with us right now because their mother is a total pig and a lazy slob. No wonder his daughter wanted to stay with us. Our house is actually CLEAN! So don't feel bad. You're not alone.

 

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