Terrified And No One To Ask For Advice

15 Replies
wanderingstar - April 4

i am 22, my b/f is 23 and we have been together for 5 years, and living together for 3 and 1/2. i recently discovered i was pregnant (5 positive home tests!) and i am totally terrified about what to do next. i am unsure when my last period was, as they are so irregular but i had light spotting in early february. all of a sudden i have tons of symptoms..sore and growing br___ts, sickness, raging hunger and thirst, and my belly is definitly enlarged. i don't have a clue how far on i am! i am scared to go to the doctor as this will mean i have to make a decision about what to do. around three years ago i had an early stage abortion...something that has haunted me every day since, though it was the best decision at the time as we were both just starting college, broke, and in no way ready. this time it is different though..i feel really excited but also really really scared... we have both graduated, have jobs, a mortgage etc so we re financially in a position to have a child, but i can't help but feel we are still too young. we also live in london 300 miles away from either of our families, in a fifth floor flat with no lift...so we would definitly have to relocate if we decide to go ahead. i understand that no one can make this decision for me, but i really need some impartial advice..i do not want my family or friends to know at this stage. if anyone has been in a similar position, i would love to hear your story and how things worked out! and before you say any thing about contraception...i was using the pill, regular like clockwork, never missed one..and we used condoms too more often than not...i come from a family of very fertile women...

 

nhb - April 4

I had an early abtn in early 2002, then had a miscarriage in early 2003. I got pregnant w/ my son in 2003, had him in 2004, while neither I nor my husband had graduated college, both of us had jobs, and we were making $66k/year. Not a whole lot, especially b/c he has two kids from a previous relationship. Now we're probably pg again--it's really just a completely personal decision. Although keep in mind too, adoption is an option rather than abtn. It's something the two of you need to discuss if you can handle--but also remember you'll probably never be completely prepared, you never can be really. You can just do everything you can in the mean time to prepare for it. I hope that helps, I'm sorry if it doesn't. I couldn't be happier now though that I have my son--I love him so much, I couldn't give him up for anything. There are definite rewards to having one :o)

 

____________??___ - April 4

Why do you use condoms and the pill in a long term monogamous relationship?

 

wanderingstar - April 4

oh..and also.....my b/f and i have talked long and hard about this..we both feel the same, excited at the prospect of parenthood, but just as scared. as for adoption..that wouldn't be an option for me, i couldnt do it! i just can't help thinking it would be better if we were a few years older, living closer to family, more savings etc etc, but sometimes the best things that happen to you arent planned or expected.

 

nhb - April 4

I totally understand--I couldn't do adoption either. I forgot to mention, I got pregnant w/ my son on the pill too--and he's such a blessing. We're keeping two babies that we can't really afford--but we love them and we'll get through somehow. Best of luck to you!!

 

Hayley - April 4

Hi Wanderingstar - I think it's fate that you got pregnant! And why not have a baby now, especially since you and your boyfriend have been together for 5 years and both have good jobs. I am 23 and am almost 6 months pregnant. My pregnancy wasn't planned and I've only been with my boyfriend for 7 months. We were both shocked at first and considered an abortion. But since I've had time to think about it I'm now really excited! I've had a lot of gynae problems in the past and always thought I'd struggle to get pregnant. My midwife said it's a mini miracle that I'm pregnant, and I truly believe that it's happened for a reason. So my advice to you would be to go ahead with your pregnancy and be really pleased about it. You and your boyfriend obviously really love each other, which is the perfect environment to bring a baby up in! Good luck x

 

Lovely - April 4

Words I live by.... "Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer, but wish we didn't" I think you want this baby, and for the record, it's sooooo normal to be scared out of your wits! Good luck, either way!

 

tara - April 4

As you said, only you can make this decision and it's not easy when you have a lot to think about as well - where you live, family, money etc... But I can tell you this, eventhough my husband and I planned to get pregnant we are still scared 5 months in to the pregnancy. As a parent to be I don't think I will ever stop worring from here on. With that said, I think 22 & 23 is too young to be parents just because there is so much left for you guys to discover about your selves and the world - but you will know in your heart what is right for you to do at this point in your life. All the best & good luck.

 

jena - April 4

as for age, i'm 23 and my husband is 24 and we have been trying since september... we may be preggo but not confirmed until u/s in a week.. i don't think i am too young - been married almost 2 years and have wanted to be a mom for as long as I can remember. if you and your bf agree that you can handle this, it will be a big blessing. good luck on your decision!

 

wanderingstar - April 5

to everone who offered kind words and encouragement....thank you so much...it helps to hear others stories at a time like this.....great to hear that i'm not alone in being completely scared at the prospect of parenthood......as for having so much left to see and do.....that may be true but i can't justify that as a reason for the other option....it would be purely selfish, and as i am well aware of the emotional repurcussions and guilt_t is not a decision i would take lightly....i think you are right, i have made up my mind pretty much, its just hard to admit it...once again, the nerves kick in....he he.......one encouraging thing though, my cousin and his wife have lived in paris, tokyo and london since the birth of their two year old daughter, and seem undaunted at the prospect of doing almost anything with a baby on board....i am not imagining i will be stuck in a suburban lifestyle once i become a mother...although of course i will have to prepar myself for the enormous life changes i am about to face............... once again thanks, it really helps to get all of this out!

 

Chyna - April 5

What's to say you conceived while using condoms and birth control pills( Everyday).That's nothing but the will of God. Girl You caring around a little solder fighting all types of battles just to get to this point please don't be another Bush and start fighting for something that didn't belong to you in the first places. in other words this battle is not yours your child has made it's way to this point through all of your preventions now you do the rest. god is showing in more then one way that this child is a keeper. (not to keep bring up God but what else can it be) be happy not every one is smart enough to finish school have a man that finished school and have a mortgage all before 25. you doing good home girl you have accomplished a lot. it's clear that your more then ready to take on the responsibilities of being a good mother.

 

Misty - April 5

It will be harder to go see the world now that you are going to have a child. But imagine the life that you will give this baby by keeping it if you do still travel around. It will be so blessed to be a part of that. I have never even left the country and I would love to but to me it seems like a fairy tale dream. Something that would never come true. I have a 2 year old now and have another one on the way. I haven't finished school yet but I am going to college even with the baby factor. They don't make living life impossible. All of this and I am only 22 years old. Yes, maybe I don't go to clubs anymore but I can go to state parks and Disney and have all other kinds of experiences with my kids. I am totally rambling on, basically I do think that kids change your life, but that isn't necessarily(sp?) bad. It is what you make of it.

 

wanderingstar - April 6

this is all very true...doesn'r stop the fear though1 as for clubs etc im pretty much over that now...i over did it when i was younger and it just doesnt interest me....i much prefer a quiet sundaqy lunch and drinks with friends, go clubbing perhaps twic e ayear at most..so that wouldnt be something id miss1 i just can't help but worry about doing it right..its such an enormous responsibilty, and i guess i wont know if im truly ready until i am faced with it....

 

c - April 6

My opinion on this is this…..if you used the pill and condoms then you what this child was meant for you. Things happen for a reason and after your last abortion you said yourself you felt horrible. You and your boyfriend are both in the position to were you can have a baby. I’ve know people that didn’t even have half as much as you have and still made it. So think about it .Keep us up to date

 

Misty - April 7

Wanderingstar, I'll tell you something I heard once before. If you wait to have kids until you are sure you are completely ready for it you will be 50 years old. We are never sure that we are ready for everything that comes with parenthood, but you are going to be wonderfull. You and your boyfriend have come so much farther in your lives in a young age then a lot of people. Look at me, I still haven't even finished college and I have my second one on the way. You'll be great, just have confidence in yourself.

 

kenya mama - April 7

The fact that you are putting so much thought into this shows that you are very responsible and as ready to be a parent as any of us were the first time it happened. As far as travelling, we have a 2 year old and live in the U.S. We have been to 9different states (via plane) 3 European countries, and 2 African countries. He has been on more flights in his short 2-year life than most Americans go on in a lifetime! My family all still live in Kenya and my husband's family lives 1000 miles away in another state. In some ways it is nice because it really reduces the "advice" offered by in-laws. The down side is a lack of free babysitters, but it sounds to me like you are as ready to be a mom as you'll ever be. Allow yourself to get excited about this baby and enjoy your pregnancy and child! Best of luck!

 

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