Can't Stop Beating Myself Up...

0 Replies
ohheyits_m - October 19

First off, hello everyone. I’m new to all of this pregnancy stuff and seem to have gotten myself into a situation I’m not proud of.

In a nutshell, my baby mama is a little over 14 weeks now, but we recently separated a week and a half ago. It was her decision.

I can’t stop beating myself up because I feel like it was all my fault but I don’t know how much if the blame really is mine to carry. She left me because she felt like I was manipulative, unproductive, and not what she thought I was.

As a back story, I quit my job and moved states to live with her. It was a very huge change because I left financial stability without having a job lined up. It was also a huge change for her because her house is only 600 sq. ft. so it’s pretty tight for two people to live in.

As time went on I noticed we were arguing more and there was tension, but I couldn’t get her to open up until she bottled things up and finally let them all out. I feel as if there were barriers in communication because we would both take things the wrong way. She began to get frustrated with me because I wasn’t willing to look for minimum wage jobs while waiting for a better job to come around - she felt as if I did nothing but sit on the couch all day. Granted, I wasn’t aware that that’s how it looked and I can admit to waiting around for jobs to come up that paid what I used to make. So that was my fault.

She mentioned that I always play the victim and am manipulative. She said I don’t listen and take everything personally to where she didn’t feel like she could even joke with me anymore. She also hit me with the “I don’t want to (be intimate) with you anymore, and that’s terrible. I shouldn’t feel that way towards my partner”. She felt as if she couldn’t talk about anything and that I would hold her back and get mad when she decided to do things without me.

I’ve been beating myself up reading into narcissism and manipulation, and I can’t help but constantly tell myself I’m a toxic person. I can’t help but blame myself for not knowing how to interact with her properly in the first trimester. I blame myself for doing all of the things she said without realizing how much of a toxic person I’ve been. I wish she would have addressed things as they happened instead of bottling them up, but it’s still my fault for not opening that line of communication. I’m racked with regret and want nothing to return to the good times so that I can be there to help her through the pregnancy and see my child grow in her belly. But I know I need to get my mind right before any of that is even possible.

After drowning in my own thoughts this past week I have been more motivated than ever to get back on my feet and get financially stable…I’ve resolved to see a therapist once I find a job and I’ve purchased a few self-help and parenting books. I know that a lot of points she brought up were valid and the underlying issues with me need to be addressed, but I couldn’t help but feel that they were exaggerated because of hormones. 

She hasn’t kicked me out of the house - she said I can still sleep there at night but not as her boyfriend. She said that if there’s any way to make this work then I have to find my own place. Any time I try to talk to her now she’s ice cold. I wrote her a letter apologizing for my mistakes and letting her know that I am aware that I need to grow as a person. FWIW, she hasn’t deleted any pictures of us on social media, but she still posts things about moving on and letting go every day. I know that I deserve to be in the situation I’m in, I guess I’m just hoping I can redeem myself.

I’m not sure what kind of responses I expect from this, I guess this is just the proper forum I’ve found to vent to. 

 

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