I Got Another Woman Pregnant I Need Advice

3 Replies
daydreamer83 - May 16

Hello Everyone, I am afraid to say that my repulsive actions have placed me in quite a terrible position and I am looking for true honest advice as I have told no friends or family of my current situation. I feel ashamed, I feel guilt, and I feel immense pain. Please read on if you have an open heart and are willing to provide helpful insight. I am a 28 year old male. I have been married to my wife for 3 years and we have been together for 7 years. Throughout the years we have had a good/happy relationship; however sometimes falling to simple woes that plague any standard relationship. We welcomed our first and only child back in December 2009, a beautiful baby girl. I have always been a compassionate and honest person. Growing up I never cheated on any of my girlfriends and was always seemingly turned off how some men and women could sleep around so easily with out any love. This is why I am confused at my actions that have taken placed. In June of 2008, a few months before I got married a new woman (the same age as me, lets call her Liz) started working with me. We hit it off really well and I could tell that we were both really attracted to one another. Liz and I spent our days together at work and built a fun friendship and it felt different than anything I had ever experienced, but nothing ever happened between us. To sum up this portion of the story, I went on to get married, Liz was transferred to another division at work, and that was that. We would run into each other occasionally. I should add shortly before my wife and I married we began to have issues. It was more like I had issues with her and I did not bring them up until after we were married. She was not providing me with what I needed emotionally or physically but I loved her so I continued forward. I voiced my concerns to her shortly after we married but even with my support and love she never attempted to make any changes. Around in December of 2008, it just so happened that for about 4 weekends in a row Liz and I ended up hanging out with one another at group/work/community functions. The little spark we had rekindled and we began keeping more and more in touch. We would exchange phone calls and texts. Soon after we ended up having an affair as the things I had told my wife I needed were fulfilled by Liz. I tried to break of the affair several times as I hated what I was doing and the person I was, but Liz and I were hooked and had become dependent on one another. What made things worse was that she was transferred back to work with me so I could not escape her. We saw each other every day for ten hours. Our affair lasted almost two years (with periods on and off between that time). I knew my actions were wrong but once you are in the situation it is easy to become emotionally attached and it is hard to break free. During our affair Liz wanted me to leave my family but I was unwilling to do so. Despite my actions, I loved my wife and my child and always took great care of them and wanted to continue to do so. Liz ended up quitting her job with my company in August 2010 and then it was much easier for us to part ways. I was happy the affair had ended as would be able to be a good man to my wife and a good father to my daughter. Liz was always calm about the whole situation. She never threatened my wife or my family during or after the affair. Shortly after it ended I ended up coming clean to my wife about the affair. My wife as well stepped up and acknowledged that she too had failed me in not putting an effort to meet my needs. We started working to rebuild our relationship and things were going well. I was loving life and my family and I felt complete. I had limited contact with Liz over the next months. At the end of February this year I was at a state convention for my field of work. On the final evening of the convention I went to meet up with some ex-classmates and their coworkers at a bar and guess who was with them. That evening, Liz and I both got intoxicated and fell back into temptation. I know that I had a choice and I made the wrong one. I used protection, but during the intercourse the condom kept slipping off inside her. We parted the next day, and I suggested that she get the Plan-b pill just to be safe (she agreed). We had limited contact until a month later when she contacted me to tell me that she had never taken the Plan-B pill and in turn had gotten pregnant by me. In that conversation she told me that she did not want to have the child because I was not going to be with her and there was no way she could share the child with my wife and me. We talked for a few days about our situation and she told me that she had set up and appointment for an abortion that weekend and wanted to go through with it. I felt horrible at how relived I felt. Suddenly I could breathe again. I ended up contacting Liz a week after her abortion to ask how she was. She told me that she had gotten the abortion and wanted to kill herself over it. This worried me as she had previous bouts with depression and a suicide attempt when she was much younger. I sent friendly text messages here and there to make sure she was fine but she never responded. I ended up showing up at her place to check on her about 3 weeks after the abortion. She was ok and told me how horrible she felt and cried her heart out. I recall her saying “It probably would have been a boy” based on the Chinese fertility chart. I limited the amount of questions I asked because I felt something was still wrong. We said bye and parted ways. Three weeks ago to date of this post (2 weeks after I visited her) she called me and told me that she didn’t have the heart to go through with the abortion and had cried in my face and lied about it only because she did not want to hurt me. At that time she was 8 weeks pregnant. I told her again that I was not going to be with her, but was willing to man up to my actions and be the father to the child. She said she told me because she did not want me to find out in any other way since we share some mutual friends. She told me that she did not want me in the child’s life nor did she expect anything from me. She said that for the sake of our child and my own daughter that I should walk away from this and she will never contact me. Liz went on to say that during the time since our drunken mishap she had reconciled with a life long friend/ex boyfriend/brother-in-law/member of her church and he wanted to be with her and he would take her into his home and help her raise the child. I know of the man and he is a nice, kind hearted guy. He was always after Liz after during our affair and I always knew that she would end up with him once we were done. Liz asked me that when the time came I could give up my parental rights so this new man could adopt it and they could be a family or that she would just put his name on the birth certificate. I was really taken back by all this. How can I deal with hurting my wife and child? How could I live knowing I had a child out there? After a few weeks of talking Liz and I came to the conclusion that it is the children that are most important and should be spared of our ignorance. We felt it was best for each child to have one solid home and not have to split time between families or know of anything. I especially wanted to make sure I was always around for my daughter. Also, in my opinion I felt it better for the unborn child to grow up with a father and not just a Dad it will see 1-2 times a month. I have decided that I will walk away. I know that if I tell my wife she will not leave me. I am most certain of that. I also know that Liz will never contact me because I will give up my rights and there would be no way she would let her child be taken care of by my wife. Also she has never attempted to contact or hurt my wife or my family. My question is: What is the right thing to do? Do I leave my wife happy unware of the stupid mistake that I made and I take the pain for all of us. Do I tell my wife and crush her? Do I comply with Liz’s wish? I can swallow this. It is a long time until the child is born so I will never know what happened to it, although I know it would be in good hands if it makes it through. I know I made a mistake. I just want to do what is best for everyone and am willing to do whatever it takes to save my family. Let me all know what you think. Thank you for your time and I appreciate you assistance.

 

daydreamer83 - May 16

please delete my post. I can not figure out how to so I reported it

 

nenaj1 - June 6

Whatever happened? I was in Liz position before. Now I have a 4 year old daughter and it had lasted 6 years.

 

E457 - August 23

old thread

 

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