She S 15 Wks Pregnant And Doesn T Want Marriage Now

37 Replies
New Daddy - November 19

This is for all of you women out there who have experienced or are currently experiencing pregnancy. My "used to be" fiance" (she's 28 and I'm 35) doesn't know if she wants to marry me now. First, the facts: I am not abusive in any way...at all. I support her in every possible way that a man can think of. I cook and clean for this woman EVERY DAY although we both work full time (both in the Air Force). I've never been unfaithful nor does she even think that I have been. She's now 15 wks (her 1st pregnancy as well as mine) and things have DRASTICALLY changed in our relationship over the past few months. She used to be the absolute sweetest woman I know - now she is She-Devil. She treats me as if I'm the plague (i.e. no touching, no SEX, no intimacy whatsoever, not even an "I LOVE YOU"). She talks to me with the att_tude that I'm a complete dumb*ss. However, there are a few moments where she seems to "like" me. (WTF?) I know there is no other man involved on her part, so her cheating around has been ruled out. I just need to know if any of you women out there have felt like this towards your man before. If so, I could use some encouragement because I'm mentally exhausted from all this. I'm at the pojnt where I'm ready to tell her to go live somewhere else. BTW - she used to have some really mean PMS episodes, so that may help you help me a little better (I hope!!!).

 

kr - November 20

This is a good time to be listening to her! With that said you seem to be on to the fact that the first trimester is an emotional one. For my first few months I questioned my marriage. Looking back I can not even understand the feelings I was having. I was able to stay a little nice, but it was hard, and I had been with my DH for 7 years. So what can you do? Do not make any decisions based on things she says or does these next few months. You can always break up a little later, but it is hard to get back together if you leave a pregnant fiance. What you need to do now is be kind and realize she really WANTS to be a great fiance and mom, but the hormones are getting in the way.Treat her kindly. Take time to rea__sure her without being pushy. Tell her you want to talk about marriage, the baby, her career (is she worried because she will have to quit work?), future or moving whenever SHE is ready. Tell her often that she is important. When I was at my meanest and feeling like a witch my DH would tell me how much he appreciated my carrying the baby and what a 'good job' I was doing. That helped more than anything else. It is not ok for you to accept abuse, but if you can relate her moods to the pregnancy ( like you noted with PMS) this is likely something that can pa__s if she has the proper support. Keep it in your head that she can quickly change her mind. Allow her to spend the night with a girlfriend if she wants, but keepthe house neat and tidy and make sure she knows she is welcome home any time. Good luck.

 

New Daddy - November 20

KR - Thanks a million for your response. I needed to hear that so much. I've searched the web like a madman trying to find answers without coming to a conclusion that she really doesnt want me in her life. I've talked with several other women who were pregnant before and still couldnt get a clear answer - they all had sweet & wonderful pregnancies. Even in this forum, I've only found other posts where the wife WAS cheating around or the DH wasnt giving the full support he should have been giving. The hardest part of all this is the "not knowing" if she'll snap out of it during or after the baby is born. When did you start to see a change for the better? I know that not evey woman is the same, but I'd like to have an idea. This whole thing has been a test of my sanity like NEVER BEFORE.

 

Jbear - November 20

I was an absolute b___h during my first pregnancy. I wanted my husband to read my mind, and when he did manage to guess what I wanted, I got mad because he a__sumed he knew what I wanted. I kept throwing all his clothes down the stairs, and if he even looked at me I would b__w up. I knew the way I was acting wasn't fair to him, or normal, but it was as if I had no control over it at all. I have the same problem every month with PMS, but that's just for a couple of days and I can be quiet for that long. I couldn't be quiet for the first half of my pregnancy, which is how long it took me to calm down. I was excited about being pregnant, but at the same time I was terrified...I mean, great that the baby's in there, but that just means it has to come out sometime, and that's the scary part. It's also strange to have no control over what your body's doing, the cravings, mood swings, fatigue, morning sickness...it feels like your body, which has always been an old friend, has suddenly betrayed you. I started calming down about the time that I started feeling the baby move. I still couldn't think about labor without getting nauseated, but a lot of that is because women love to trade horror stories about birth. After I had my first baby, I apologized to my husband for being so awful while I was pregnant. I remember being pathetically greatful that he'd stuck around, because being a new mom is scary enough without having to be a single mom too.

 

B - November 20

Hey i know what that is, I was a total B**** with my husband. there was nothing that could make me happy. thank god it only lasted until my 4th month cause i used to think that i can actually become violent with him. i was crazy with my little brother and he also suffered, thank god my mom explained to him that it wasn't me that it was my hormones. i also felt like my body wasn't mine that it was me in a body who kept getting bigger and starting to get stretch marks and eating all the time. it is a really weird feeling, but you should talk to her and try to ignore all the mean things she says to you, she doesn't mean none of them. Its like having PMS for a very long time. think about it; we have to get used to the hormones that help us carry a baby to full term and help build a little human beign inside, it takes out alot of us. just have a lot of patience, tell her that you love her everytime you feel insulted or ask her if she knows what she is doing? maybe if you point it out she will try to be nicer. good luck!

 

Rachael mommy2lucas - November 21

It sounds like you are a great guy, doing all the right things. Honestly, she probably does not even realize completely what she is doing to you. When you are pregnant, planned or not, with first baby, you really are unprepared for the feelings and changes. I know, that as a woman, I completely became self absorbed and did not include my hubby in my feelings. Not intentionally either. He is also a great guy and bends over backward to help me and be a part of our child's life. The hormones and the feelings of being terrified are normal, you guys unfortunately bear the brunt of it. My advice as a new mommy would be just be patient, keep doing what you are doing. Things will change for the better more than likely. I wouldn't bring up the marriage thing for awhile. If her hormone levels have anything to do with it, she will probably start to think you no longer want to get married and get upset LOL!! Us women are walking contradicitons at any time, but pregnancy makes it worse. Hang in there and take it one day at a time.

 

kr - November 21

Yah New Daddy, she is also having that test of sanity like never before. It may go by faster if you respond consistently with love and compa__sion. The first time I blew up at my DH I expected a fight. He just acknowledged how much stress I might be under ( but didn't say a word about my crazy behavior swings) and asked what he could do to help. I was caught off guard. I didn't say anything, but cried. It was a good idea of his to de-escalate the situation and not only provide an excuse for me, but also say he was willing to help. I didn't have to defend myself, he defended me! Having my DH keep me from feeling guilty in this way made it much easier for me to talk and get my hormones in check. By the 5th month I was still upset often, but by this time it was rarely directed towards him. I was worried about bills, baby and the future. That's a better positon to be in because my DH can help me even more with bills,baby and the fututre. So New Daddy, my guess is that by the middle of the second semester things should be getting better. This should be especially true if she does not have too much guilt about how she acted in the first. I have a question for you: Did her own father stick around and help her mother?

 

New Daddy - November 21

KR - As far as I know, yes he did. She doesnt speak much of him now though (he past away a few years ago). Why do you ask? On another note, I'd like to thank all you ladies for chiming in on my post. You've all given me some hope (Yes!!! There is a light at the end of the tunnel!!).

 

ok - November 22

I think it is strange that in you list of positive attributes you list that you are "not abusive in any way... at all" Have you been accused of this before? I'm not making an accusation, just wondering why you start with that. We would not have a__sumed you were abusive.

 

New Daddy - November 22

OK - that IS the reason why I mentioned it the "abuse" part. I'm ruling out all of the possibles in order to get to the underlying problem. You see, I've never been thru this before and I've never seen her get like this. Oh sure, all the books say the women get moody and emotional during this time, but DAMN...all the pregnancy literature in the world hasnt even come close to what I've been experiencing. That's why I'm here - to get answers from the real experts rather than from some author of a book who probably had the most wonderful 9 mths of her life. I mentioned the point about not being abusive because her actions towards me are so distant and uncaring, as if I am being resented for something so horrible (i.e. physical or mental abuse, unfaithfulness, etc.) Hey, i am from the MALE species, therefore I can only come up with my own conclusions from a male standpoint. What I needed from this forum is a pregant female standpoint so that I can better understand this woman that i truly love without, as I said, coming to my own conclusions. So far, I've gotten all wonderful and helpful responses and had I NOT posted my question here, I would heavily be entertaining the thought right now of splitting up with her....all because I didn't know about the real, harsh realities of pregnancy and its effect on some women. Nonetheless, her actions (and reactions) sometimes still gets me down regardless of what I truly know. This is gonna 9 mths of PMS multiplied by 100!! HELP!!! Somebody give me a spoon so I can cut my wrists!! (Just kidding).

 

Kr - November 22

Hi, I am not saying in any way that all women who aren't reared with a father have problems with relationships, I am saying that being in that situation could be a contributing factor. Maybe in your fiance's case just that she has not had the need to talk about him shows something to do with her having trouble comprehending what kind of attributes a father has to offer to a mom and baby relationship. I just wanted to add that I think you can look at it as ,perhaps, just one more thing that may be weighing in on her emotions and decision making. I was reared w/o a father. Before being pregnant it didn't bother me. I liked living in a girl's house as a child. It was strange to me all the feelings that came up when my DH started taking on responsibilities. Some how in my head I could only imagine me and the baby. It took a lot of re-a__surance, but I starting thinking of him as a person who could help with the baby also. So New Daddy, she could be having these feelings a little, lot, or not at all, I just didn't want to leave the possibility out. I hope things get better soon. Hang in there!

 

New Daddy - November 22

KR - You just may be on to something here. We've had disagreements in the past and she would sometimes mention him to me in a very negative way (as if comparing me to him). I learned a very long time ago to always treat your woman as equal - never put yourself above her (or him if your gay :o)) But as you know, when couples have arguments, then the fingerpointing starts, and accusations fly. That's the moment her father comes into the discussion. But, I wont say here or anywhere else that her father has anything to do with her how she's acting. She's admitted to having problems with depression in her past although I dont know what about. Her biggest problem is NOT talking to me - just one big, contiuous silent treatment. Before, I was constantly nagging her to tell me what wrong, but the more I persisted worse she became. I would get the "I need my space" comment. Soooo...I backed off, started furiosly doing my research, and came across this website. I'm glad I did - it's helped me more than words can describe.

 

Jbear - November 22

My husband has problems with depression sometimes, and his main symptom is silence that lasts for months (which I wickedly enjoy for the first week or two before I start to worry about him). Also, some women become depressed during pregnancy, especially if they've had problems with it in the past. Depression is a chemical thing, there wouldn't necessarily be anything she was depressed about.

 

Ginny - November 22

New Daddy, I am SO proud of you for doing research! I hope you don't get offended by my saying this, but I laughed a little at your post. The very second before I read it, I was thinking about how happily I could choke my husband!! He could probably share war stories with you. Just wanted to let you in on a few more pregnancy secrets. Our pregnancy was unplanned, and from the get-go, I had a really hard time maintaining emotional balance. The main reason for this was because I was COMPLETELY overwhelmed by the responsibility of it all. From that point until the rest of my life, I was going to be a parent. My body was doing things I didn't like and it seemed like a physical representation of how my entire life was beyond my control. Every time I looked in the mirror, I was reminded of how different my life was going to be. And then my husband would infuriate me by trying to convince me that I needed to be happy! Chances are that your girlfriend is dealing with a lot of that mind numbing life evaluation stuff. All it took me was time to face it and deal with it. I ended up opening up to my husband, who tried to be more understanding of what I was going through (It really helps that he tells me daily how pretty he thinks I am :) I thought I wanted space, too, but as soon as my husband started leaving me alone, I realized that he was probably the only one who was going to help in any way. I hope I don't come accross as a b___h, and I'm sure your girlfriend doesn't mean to either. Just stay open, and give her a chance to work through some issues. But don't let her get away with being abusive! You have rights, too!

 

Allie - November 22

It's also possible that regardless of what you are doing she is taking offense. I haved a very well meaning husband, but since I've been pregnant I always seem to be upset with him WAY out of proportion to what he is dong. I said something to him at church, he thought it was funny and shared it with someone, and I broke out crying b/c he repeated something that I HAD NOT told him was confidential. Then I lectured him on how I couldn't tell him ANYTHING b/c he should KNOW that if I am telling him something it is for him only...poor guy...I am constantly crying and accusing him of trying to make me cry (I am 9 1/2 weeks)...luckily we BOTH realize I am insane due to pregnancy, and in my sane moments I let him kow how much I appreciate his dealing with my not so great moments. I hope you can stick it out through the pregnancy and wait to see if it is just the hormones.

 

cynthia - December 6

As for myself, I am 13 weeks pregnant and I am getting the opposite treatment from my fiancee' . This is my first baby by him, I have two adult children and i am well educated with my graduate degree. He has been mentally abusive every since he found out I was having a baby, which he is happy about but does not want to show me any intimacy, love nor any s_x. I have made up my mind not to marry him after he propsed to me 2 months ago. Now, in your situation, I think you both should sit down and talk about what is going on with one another feelings emotionally and physically. see if she wants a future with you and a family and work this out. Do not give up so easily on her. And maybe, you might need to seek some sort of counseling with both of you going through this pregnancy together. That is a terrific job that you are doing supporting her every step of the way. Not too many men out there you will find to be supportive from day one , unless he is your father. (SMILE)

 

New Daddy - December 8

OK, it’s been a while since I last posted anything in here. Basically, nothing has changed yet. Her att_tude towards me is still constantly negative. It’s like she wants me there for her when she wants support or needs something, but she doesn’t want to “give” to this relationship at all. She consistently blames me for everything and I’m not talking about leaving the cap off the toothpaste. According to her, I’m wrong about everything – she will simply not accept her own faults even if God wrote them out in stone. She’ll say some pretty mean things like “we have nothing good in common except for the baby”, “you don’t want to understand me”, “I don’t need you, I can do this by myself”. Basically, I’m to blame for her bitterness towards me and for the sake of God, I absolutely cannot figure out how I can be as bad as she says I am. However, she only gets like this when I mention anything about our relationship. Other than that, she’s very cordial….kind of like how you treat a good friend or something. The last thing she said to me was she didn’t want to be with me and she didn’t want to be pregnant. Is this normal? Can it be that she’s in denial about all of this? Have any of you had problems with your 1st pregnancy where you got this way? I still have 5 more months to go and I’m going nuts.

 

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