Anyone Else Feel Like This

14 Replies
Gigi19 - July 11

My dd is 3 months. I am back at work and have been leaving the baby with her grandparents. My mom 2 days a week and DH mom& dad 3 days a week. DD is a good baby, but I feel like the grandparents think that she is their baby. When she cries uncontrollably or is tired, they take her out of my arms and try to soothe her (like they can do this better than I can. They sometimes don't even give me a chance to try to soothe her). She never acts up for them and she gets fussy with me. Sometimes I think that DD is going to view me as her sister and not her mother. I know they all mean well but it's like they have forgotten this is my child. When I drop the baby off at my inlaws house, they meet me out by the car and take the baby shooing me away.--"ok bye." is pretty much their additude. Like give us the baby and go away. It really annoys me. Especially since I get there early enough to still hangout with her a little while longer before I have to go to work. Sometimes I feel as though they treat me like I don't know what I am doing. Other times I feel like they think she is their baby. I am really annoyed and seriously considering not working anymore (as I am lucky enough to have an option even though it would mean some sacrafices). Any advice would be helpful. Yesterday I left the baby with them and they went out all day long with her. They took her all over town. When I finally went to pick her up she was so tired and fussy that she cried herself to sleep. I told DH about it and he mentioned it to his sister who then mentioned it to there dad. So I got the third degree from the father- inlaw today. My mother is no better as when ever DD cries she also doesn't give me a chance to take care of her. HELP.

 

austinsmom - July 11

I am in the same postion to an extent and dh family watches lo while I am work but I have no choice but to work....if there was an option I would stay at home in a heartbeat......if you have a choice maybe cut back your hours/days so you can spend more time and she can spend a little less time with family.......I ran into this some with dh family but I would not allow them to condesend me or poo poo me......when lo fusses you get up or come from where ever you are and in a sweet voice say mommy is coming little one or something to that extent to show YOU are going to sooth your own baby.....now knowing that it is not possible to hang out cause they are so eager to get your lo then do not get there till you positively have too.......that way your not offended by their att_tude...maybe they expect you gotta get to work or you'll be late....I am trying to give them the benefit of the doubt.....You gotta expect that when family is watching lo they cannot always stay home all day long and are bound to go places and show dd off as they are proud of her too but she is yours and if you got a problem cause she does'nt get to sleep share that with them cause they should only have your dd best interests in mind.....Oh and do not worry your dd will think you a sister she knows you are mommy have no doubt!!!! You just need to a__sert yourself a little more with family.....when I drop lo off I go over things and explain how I want certain things done before I will leave the house....there is no doubt that I am mommy and I am in control......but I also make sure to tell them how much I appreciate them and praise them on how good they are with your lo......they will respond positively (like anyone recieving a complement) and respect you more......in other words get on their good side and a__sert yourself right into everything.....kwim?

 

rl - July 11

well first off you should be lucky you don't have to leave your baby at daycare with a bunch of people that don't really care about her but I understand that maybe you feel bad about going off to work and leaving baby with the parents to take care of her and I understand that cause my mom takes care of my baby he is 6months old now she has had him since I went back to work he was 2months old but my mom does not act like that at all in fact she tells me that she is not doing me any favors by taking care of him I should be able to stay home but she knows i have to work and she really loves having him he is such a sweet baby anyways I have never had her grab him away acting like I could not sooth him or whatever, is this their first grand child? my inlaws are great they take the baby on the weekend not the whole weekend but they like to get him on Sunday morning and keep him overnight until monday after I get off work but this is their first grandchild but even with that being said they had never acted the way you have said it is kinda strange but just think about this when the baby is older do you plan to put her in daycare? I am when my son is around 2 or so I think he will need the socializing with other kiids so just look forward to that day and just try to understand that grandparents are going to be grandparents and try and look on the bright side atleast your baby is with the ones that LOVE her and will take good care of her when you are not there they may also not even realize this hurts you. Good luck!!

 

niya06 - July 11

I am in the same situation as you, I understand exactly what you mean by the in laws think that she's their baby. It gets so bad that when my dd stays with her dad (he still lives with his parents), they will not let her stay in the room with him, they will take her in their room and put her ba__sinet in their room. They act like my boyfriend doesn't know what he's doing. It makes me so mad, if he has her and she starts crying his mom will immediately take her away from him. But my boyfriend doesn't seem to mind, but it drives me insane. They always want to keep the baby and it gets so bad that his mom gets mad when my mom watches her while I'm at work. I try my best just to ignore it and just think that they are just being loving grandparents, but sometimes I just can't help but to think that they are trying to take over.

 

JEN - July 12

I had the same problem when my MIL was watching my ds. I only had to go back to work for 3 months, so she stayed w/us for that time...grrrr...anyway, even when I would get home from work she would continue on like I was not even there! Well, one night ds just did not want to go to sleep and cried for like 20 min straight. I was rocking him in our bedroom, and she busted through the door and tried to grab ds away from me! I ended up telling her to leave the room in a "not so friendly" tone and told her that while we appreciated her watching ds for us, she was intruding on the very little time dh and I had alone with him. It did help a little, so my point is that you should tell them how you feel and go from there. Good luck!

 

dandy - July 12

I cant belive you are working if you don't have to. Make the sacrifices and stay home then she will never be mistaken who her mamma is.

 

hello - July 12

I agree u are lucky not having to pay for child care but in this case it sounds like your life would have been easier if u had have hey. The inlaws are out of control and its going to always be that way i imagine...I agree with austins mom cut back and make it a day or two where the inlaws have your daughter.. Think about job sharing.. Its hard with inlaws, my exes mom was the same and he would cop it cause she (his mom) had a strong personality and sometimes its just not worth all the conflict all around... I also did not want to say much cause the old lady did mean well if that makes sense, same way these guys do too but they just are out of control as some inlaws are...... If u can cut back or cease work for a while it may be the best thing to do or even lessen the inlaws days ... start by one and maybe they may take a hint, maybe not.......dandy i am sure thats not the advice she was looking for.....

 

HannahBaby - July 12

First off im going to say that you are SO lucky to have parents/inlaws that can help you take care of your baby. I was never going to go back to work but there are times that i need a babysitter and its pretty close to impossible. Im 26w pregnant and have to drag my terrible-two-18 month old to the doctors with me because hubby works. My mother is disabled, right now my father has cancer, but usually works 12 hours a day. And my inlaws live 12 hours away. I think that you feel guilty for leaving your baby and thats why you are feeling like this. My parents have never watched my daughter and still try to console her when shes crying. Its their granddaughter, its like a built in response that they have. I dont think that they think that you cant do it, they are just trying to be helpful. I can see why your father in law would be upset. They watch your child for free 3 days a week and your FIL prolly felt a little underappreciated. Your lucky your not forced to leave baby with strangers like some one the ladies on here. And above all, your daughter is building WONDERFUL relationships with her grandparents.....Your a lucky girl

 

Ginny - July 12

I was in a similar situation. My sil kept the baby, but she was sort of flaky about the whole thing. And even though I was grateful to have family watch her, she acted like she was doing us a favor, despite the fact that we paid her. The bad thing is that since it's family, you never get away from the situation. You see them more often than anyone else. So not only do you feel that you are losing your relationship with your daughter, you are losing your relationships with your family. If it is possible, I would suggest that you stay home. It sounds like the healthier situation, even if you have to cut back.

 

Gigi19 - July 12

Thanks for your advice ladies. I know I am fortunate to have my family care for my child. I just get annoyed when they become overbearing. I think most of you know what I am talking about. Also with the staying home part comes other issues. I just want to clarify that although I know financially everything would be ok if I did stay home, I think my husband would rather I work. He has these illusions of grand thing. He wants the bigger house, the nicer cars, the big vacations, and with that comes the bigger bills. I on the otherhand I grew up with less and could careless about material things. They have always been meaningless to me and now they are even more so. When I feel awful about going work he will say to me, "just think you are going so that we can do more for the baby." He has mentioned that I can quit my job, but I think if I do that he will end up resenting the fact that I stay at home. I also don't want him to feel like I am the one keeping him from having the things that he wants in life. It is so complicated. I appreciate you guys being my outlet. Sometimes it's so easy to just say, "screw it and do what you want." I know because I have given that advice. However when your the one in the middle of it, it isn't that easy. So from one isses rises another.

 

Kel - July 12

I know how you feel. We were at dinner with the in laws a couple of weeks back and a friend of their came up to us and asked, "can I see your baby" and MIL was quick to correct the lady saying "OUR baby".....she say's "our baby" all the time. Its to the point where when they ask how "our" baby is doing, I reply "my baby is fine". They are great and will do anything for her I just hate how they act like she is their child.

 

kr - July 12

I just read what you wrote about your husband. It sounds like he might not be clear on how much better off a baby can be if s/he has a healthy attachment to his/her mom, than if s/he grows up with more things. Just like some other ladies said; I don't think the free/family care is worth it if it is causing rifts. I know this may seem extreme, but have you thought of counseling with your husband? Counseling may help you both to reach a compromise. Maybe it could help you map out goals as a couple. Once you have these goals defined you can see how much work you could cut back on to reach these goals. Whatever the case...it's definately ok for you to have these feelings...you are her mom.

 

AprilMum - July 12

Could you maybe work part time for awhile? Then you could still bring in a paycheck, cut down on time with the grandparents, and spend more time with your daughter. Don't feel guilty about how you feel at all. It's perfectly human, and there are plenty of women in the same boat. You do what you feel you need to do.

 

bbm - July 12

Grandparents mean well. They probably think they're giving you a break when they tell you "ok, bye" and mean "See? It's no problem for us to do this". We sometimes forget that taking care of a baby is still a lot of work, regardless of how rewarding it is for all of us parents and grandparents. And they probably also want you to know how enthusiastic they are about their role, even though it doesn't appear that way to you. I would give anything for my grandma to still be here today since she was like a second mother to me and I spent a lot of time with her when I was a child. However, nobody will ever come before my mom.

 

bbm - July 12

Oh, I forgot to add that the minute my ds's grandparents see him, they do the same thing. They stretch out their arms, snatch him and tell me to enjoy a shopping trip or something. I'm just grateful that they are just another couple of people who are crazy about my son.

 

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