Best Friend Problem Kids Involved

9 Replies
Rabbits07 - July 1

My best friend and I have been best friends literally since birth. I am 5 days older than her and when I was about 2 weeks old my mother was hospitalized for blood clots and her mom took care of me. Anyway, a few years ago she became addicted to drugs. During that time she hardly ever had anything to do with me. She avoided social engagements that I was at and the only time she had contact with me was during the summer when she would come for an extended visit (I think the only reason she did then was because we have a pool.) I eventually helped her get into rehab which was successful for a short while. Her mother told me recently that my friend is no longer doing hard drugs (to her knowledge), but that she drinks all the time. She lives with her mom and her mother told me that she finds the empty liquor bottles and beer cans in her room all the time (She shares a room with her 11 year old daughter!) I have not seen her in over a year and a half (last summer I was unable to go get her as my vehicle was on the fritz....she lives about an hour away and her license have been revoked for some time). The past few social functions that we have been invited to she always tells me by e-mail that she will be there, but then doesn't show. She recently e-mailed me and told me that she and her daughter would like to come and spend a week or so before summer is over. I love her dearly, but I feel this is a one way friendship. Also, I am hesitant about having her in my home if she has a drinking problem....if she can't drink I worry she will try to sneak other things into my home. The last time she was here was when I took her to rehab...she was at my house for the weekend before she checked in on Mon. We were at church on Sunday and both our daughters kept falling asleep. Apparently she got scared because she confessed to me that she had snuck some pills into my house in her suitcase and she was worried that the girls had gotten into them. Thankfully they hadn't, but I was so angry. I know it would be hard for her to sneak alcohol into my house so I worry she will try to sneak something else, like pills. I have little ones running around so I worry. I don't want to kill a friendship that is so bumpy anyways by telling her that I don't trust her...any advice?

 

Heather F - July 1

hmm, is there any chance you can ignore the e-mail and pretend that you have been busy with the baby and didnt have time to e-mail her back when she asks you about it so that you can postpone a visit? Maybe if you dont respond she will forget her plans or at least not act on them? It seems she doesnt show up to other things she says she going to so maybe if you don't encourage the visit it won't happen. Its a tough sittuation to be in, the other thing you can do is e-mail her and ask when she was planning to visit and then tell her that you dont think the weekend she wants to come is good for you, make up another angagement or somthing. I wouldnt put your kids at risk, if you think she might bring things into your home and not properly store them so that the kids cant get into them then she doesnt belong in your home, you have one job to do and that is to protect your kids even if it means protecting them from a life long friend.

 

SonyaM - July 1

Perhaps you could suggest (even pay if that is an option for you) for her to stay at a nearby hotel. Just explain that with the new baby and the other children in the house there is just not enough room for guests. Let her know she can visit during the day and you can go on outings together but at least she wouldn't be there overnight.

 

jas - July 2

Be honest with her. If she is your friend, she will understand. Tell her you would love to have her, however....then state what you want to see happen. If she deviates from what you expect, then is that the kind of friend you want to have in your life?

 

austinsmom - July 3

well......My husband has a friend like this.....lifelong but after a while they kinda went different ways.....that happens when you grow up sometimes......at first when they ran into each other it was all great hey how are you? Good to see you...lets get together....so we all got together and found out that he had gotten into drugs......and yes you wanna help them so we talked to him told him we would support him and of course he said all the right things but........saying and doing are not the same thing!!! Enough about this other situation cause you can tell it did not work out.............people change alot over the years and ultimatly become differant people.....let me ask you ....does she ever call you just to talk to you? Does she only email or call when she wants something? When she does call is it always a pity party for her? I think that was lacking in respect for her to bring anything into your house that could compromise your children......I know you have a history with her.....ok first when you get a chance answer the earlier questions for me and we will talk more about this .......talk to ya later!!

 

Rabbits07 - July 3

No, she never calls me just to talk. That's one of the things that really gets to me. I have given her my cell, my husband's cell and even the kid's cell numbers and told her she could call me anytime. I also told her if she ever wanted to talk to me that she could call and let it ring a couple of times on the regular phone and hang up then I would call her back. She never has called. She just got a computer and hooked up to the internet recently and she rarely ever e-mails me either. I have written her numerous times. I know she has a life of her own, but she doesn't work and she has 1 child....I've got 6 and I can find the time to write every now and then! The last time I wrote her was to ask her if she had shown her mom our family webpage. She got all defensive about it and said she didn't know why I would think she wouldn't show her and that I sounded mad and she didn't know why. We were both invited to a b-day party that weekend and she had told me she'd be there, but she was a no-show. She puts no effort into the friendship at all really. The only time she contacts me is to come over for a time during the summer. Even then she usually doesn't stay as long as she originally says she will...I think because I'm not a partier. I love her dearly and am probably the only non-drug using friend she has, so I hate to end the friendship. But, I don't want to endanger my kids either.

 

Debi - July 3

It sounds like no matter what you do, your friendship is in jeopardy. I really think that you should tell her the truth though and if she doesn't like it then too bad. You can't keep putting her off though, even if you made an excuse this time, what do you do next year or the year after. If she can't put that c___p down for a week so she can be with her friend and her daughter can have fun with your kids then she doesn't care. Maybe if you do tell her the real reason why you are hesitant for her to visit, it will open her eyes and she will realize that she has a problem. Either way, it sounds to me like you are the only true friend in this relationship anyway. I know that it's hard to severe a tie that goes back all those years, but you grew up and went in two different directions. What ever you decided, I wish you all the luck. (what does your husband say to do?)

 

Narcissus - July 4

What a dilemma! I would explain to her that bc you have children, and some that are at a vulnerable age, that you are uncomfortable having her stay at your house given what you know about her and her affinity for alcohol and pills. If she is not crystal clear about what you mean, remind her of the last incident where she "snuck" pills in and had you worried sick over the possibilty that your children got ahold of them.Isn't it crazy how an addict can cause havoc for many lives?? Tell her that you will always be there for the clean & sober friend that you know dwells within her but in her current state of mind, you are at a crossroad and you prefer the clean & sober road, as a loving and responsible mother.

 

Rabbits07 - July 5

DH would not be broken hearted at all if I never spoke to her again as he says she is a big whore. She is single and does have her fair share of beaus, but I wouldn't cla__sify her in that category. He knows about the problems she has and says she really needs some help, but has never commented on not wanting her here because of it. He does not know about the pill scare from the last time though as I knew he would really go off on her and probably say she had to leave.....the only reason I did not was because she was in such bad shape. She had called me crying in the middle night on Fri. and said she was going to kill herself if she didn't get some kind of help and asked if I would please come and get her and help her. So I drove an hour and 15 minutes to get her (she said she didn't want to go to a rehab center in her area because all her friends had went to those and were still on drugs) I was suppose to take her to the rehab center on Monday, so I didn't want to boot her out on Sunday. I put the remainder of the pills up at that time. I guess I keep hanging on to the friendship hoping that things will get better. We were inseperable growing up and were very close. I really miss her friendship, but my kids and their safety do come first.

 

austinsmom - July 5

I am afraid it kinda sounds like she is using you now and is really not a true friend anymore....that said I understand you still care alot about her and want to help her if you can and truth be told you MAY BE her only true friend...... but you also cannot beat your head over and over against a brick wall expecting it to give at some point (it never will). I guess what I am trying to say is if she is a real friend she will understand that you do not trust her from your earlier experiences and that your apprehensive about further problems.....I would begin this type of conversation with *** you know I love you and we have been friends for as long as I can remember but I am a mom now and my children HAVE to come first......as a mother yourself I know you understand the kind of love and protectiveness I have and that is why I must voice my fears and I hope this only makes our friendship stronger......then explain how you feel about the drugs and the fear you have of her bringing something into your home again.....if you then allow her to come into your house I would set the ground rules again and maybe even search her stuff to make sure there is not something that she has brought that you find unacceptable......yes I would really search her stuff cause it is your house and your responsiblilty to protect your children......now it does not sound like she is all bad cause at least she came clean as soon as she worried your children had gotten into her stash so there could be hope......she should understand your distrust..respect that ....and not have a problem...if she does...if she goes off.....if she gets offended cause you dare to have such a conversation then you will know what you really need to....that she is not a real friend anymore....good luck to you!!!

 

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