Bonding Question

6 Replies
dizoney - February 23

My dd is now 11 weeks old. When I was pregnant with her, I felt really disconnected from her. I had really wanted boy. I am happy she is here and I do love her, but I can't seem to find that "in love" feeling I had for my ds, 3. Anyone have this problem? I feel so guilty.

 

jenna32 - February 23

did the nurses put her on your tummy after she was born? that could be it to. Maybe you just don't realize it, i am sure you would be heartbroken if she got taken away from you. You could try attachment parenting if you aren't already. Is it possible you could have some postpartum depression ?

 

rj80 - February 23

I kind of see where you are coming from. When I was preggers I really wanted a girl for a very selfish and somewhat stupid reason... My SIL had a boy and I knew that if we had a boy it would be a nightmere with her - I don't really get on with her and she's been very judgemental about me over the years. On the other hand, I just really really wanted a girl for me! In the end we found out at the 20w scan it was a girl and I felt relieved and then very guilty that I had realised I would've been disappointed if it was a boy. What would I have done?! Then she decided to make a grand entrance almost 5 weeks early and it was so unexpected and not the way that I wanted it. She was in NICU for 8 days and I couldn't see her when I wanted to at the begining because I had to wait for a nurse to take me in the wheelchair to her ward, nor could I feed her as she was too weak and needed a tube. I felt so ill myself and then I just kept worrying I wasn't bonding like I should've done. However, she's 5m now and I look at her and I feel like I'm falling in love again and again and again - but the first 3m were simply draining, shocking and such hard work that I did find myself resenting her now and agian which upset me terribly. You will find your bond with her - just wait. And no, it's not terrible - lots of things effect us and it's natuaral to feel guilty. If you didn't that would be when to worry! Good luck.

 

lmk - February 24

dizoney, Sometimes we feel things we would like not to, because of stress, being tired, etc...The important thing is to do everything that's right for your baby regardless of how you feel currently. No matter what, you are Mom, and you are the most important person to your daughter. No matter how you feel right now, make sure you give her the care and affection that she deserves. I think your feelings will change ... the first months can be so frustrating and difficult.

 

ginger6363 - February 25

I agree with lmk, but don't beat yourself up about your feelings either. I had a very hard time bonding with my newborn b/c she was very difficult--she had colic and reflux issues and just wasn't not a very happy baby. It wasn't until recently at about 4.5 months that I have fond that I really enjoy my time with her. Her issues are under control and she's a happy a loving baby--the baby I dreamed of. I was just so stressed and tired in the first few months it was hard to enjoy her. I've also found that going back to work has really helped me. It gets me away from baby and when I do return to her, I really appreciate our time together. Stay positive and things will get better! If you are really concerned maybe consider talking to your dr about your feelings? all the best!

 

Crystal83 - February 25

My oldest was a very cranky colicky baby, I don't know if she really was that bad or if it was me being young and not knowing what I was doing. I felt resentment at times, but I knew I loved her but didn't feel that closeness I should've felt. Partly because I was a child myself and had no experience with babies at all.I loved being pregnant and did everything by the book throughout my pregnancy. I wasn't expecting to be soo tired afterwards though. I knew there would be nights when I would be up but the effects it had on me were strenuous. When I had my 2nd dd it was a different story. Because of my experience with my first child it made the whole experience with my second better because I knew what I was doing and all the tricks, which in turn made me feel closer to her then my 1st. My oldest is 7 years old now, and I still am very hard on her and don't let her get away with much. Our relationship is strained because I strive for her to be someone she is not and I long to have the bond with her that I have with my 2 youngest daughters. I love her with all my heart, but because I never took the time to stop and think about how much I loved her when she was a baby and how I should've worked VERY hard to try to bond with her. I'm paying for it now, and it makes me sad everyday. Try hard to think about why you had a baby and what you can do to build a trusting bond with this child before it's too late.

 

teska - February 25

I don't really think you have anything to feel guilty about. I know I had that with my oldest son, I didn't feel any overwhelming sense of "in love" that you describe either. It's not that I didn't love him because I did, I just thought it would be much different than what it was. He was born much earlier by emergency C section and the nurses brought him to me and had me kiss him and then he was whisked away to NICU and I didn't get to see him becasue I had the post epidural headache really bad etc. I also wanted a girl so so badly as well. I think that sometimes we have so much going on that too much emotion would just be an overload - that's what one nurse told me. And I don't know if she said that becasue she felt bad for me becasue I was so worried that I wouldn't love him as much as I should because I wasnt euphoric about his birt., but to me it just made sense. Now of course I love him more than life itself and wouldnt trade him for anything.!

 

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