Could I Feel Any Worse

9 Replies
Mel_C - July 13

Ok, so it has been the week from h__l. My four and a half month old DS has been unsettled on and off for a month. DH kept insisting he was just being naughty and wanted to CIO which I did not want to do. Finally I listened to my intuition and took him to our GP and it turns out he has a urinary tract infection. I can't believe I let it go on so long but he just didn't seem THAT distressed, in fact he was really fine during the day, it was only at night. Even then, it wasn't really that bad - just clusters of bad nights here and there (although his "normal" nights are not really that great anyway). I can't believe how good he's been considering how bad he must have felt. So I feel just awful I didn't get him help sooner. And then on Tuesday night DH had a breakdown and left and is now staying with his parents. Not like he ever actually DID anything, no housework, no nappies, no bathing, nothing. I have no idea what he has to be stressed or depressed about except that he hasn't been the sole focus of my attention for the last five months. It's not like I didn't notice he didn't ever seem to want to spend time with our LO but now he tells me that he hates holding him or being with him, even when it's only for a few seconds. He also said he loves me "less" since the baby came. It may not sound like it but DH is basically a good man and I want this marriage to work. But I can't have two babies to look after right now, it's just too hard. Poor DS had an echocardiogram & we found out yesterday that he has a small hole in his heart. He should be fine but it's just one more thing for me to panic about. And he has to have an ultrasound of his kidneys next week because of this UTI to rule out anything serious. On top of this we have broken sleep and a reflux issue and I am trying to work from home and am really struggling to get my hours in. I don't know if DH is coming back, he says he is but if he expects to be coddled on his return he is in for a surprise. I miss him, but it's actually easier with him gone as it's one less person to clean up after and it wasn't like he was any help when he was here. Anyway sorry this is so long, I just had to get it all out. I would say next week couldn't be any worse but I think that would just be tempting fate.

 

kristie h - July 13

or i was ment to type, it goes to show that females are not the only ones

 

SonyaM - July 14

I agaree with Kristie h. Men can have depression after the birth of a baby. Their lives have dramatically changed too. I know for one my husband always gets stressed due to the financial responsibility he feels. I can relate to your dh not wanting to hold the baby. After my first son was born I literally felt sick to my stomach when I had to be around him, smell him or hold him. Luckily it went away but I still think that time affected our bond. With my second I got on antidepressants in my thrid trimester and it helped so much upon delivery. I didn't have any feelings like I did before, it was mostly just joy and love. Ask your husband to go to counseling, if not with you at least by himself. Good luck andI hope your ds is doing good.

 

melissa g. - July 14

i am not trying to be a jerk here, and i do sympathize with men going through depression after the birth of a child (my DH had a little, he was a bit stressed about money) but ladies, I cringe when I hear what these men are saying / doing to some of you and yet the shmuck is "basically a good man." If some guy told me he loved me less after the birth of our child, he would be on the curb so fast. He hates holding your precious boy? Who is facing a few medical challenges to boot? Are you kidding me?? What a complete JACKASS. In my book, that type of behavior is verbal abuse and should not be tolerated. Do you mind me asking how old he is? I think it speaks volumes that he moved in with his parents, as opposed to an apartment or something -- this guy does not sound particularly mature or together. Girlfriend, I am so sorry, you sound like a caring wonderful mommy, and you deserve better. This guy needs to grow up and grow a pair and start acting like a father and a husband. Even if he is depressed, abusing you and your son is NOT ACCEPTABLE.

 

kristie h - July 14

Melissa, i dont mean to sound nasty but after i had my son i didnt want to bath him and i found it hard to bond with him. Like people say " you say thing in the heat of the moment and you always hurt the one you love. That is why i ask her what was he like befor the son came along. Yeh give him the boot if he says that he doesnt want to be with her after they have a long talk but till then be patiant. I would never kick my hubby out cause he is going though a little depression as i know depression can make you say nasty things, if he did that to me i would of been gone a long time ago. It is not like they are boyfriend and girlfriend and i know if i left my husband i wouldnt have the money sitting in the bank to go and rent a appertment, i would have to go home too.

 

Mel_C - July 14

Hi Kristie and Sonya, DH's father is good with him now but apparently was not so much when DH was little. This is not DH's first breakdown, he had one pre-pregnancy caused by bad working conditions - so I think there's probably an underlying problem that needs to be addressed. I really want him to get counselling, I would be totally happy to go with him if he wanted. Possibly he might need medication too, but I doubt he would accept that. My pregnancy was a surprise and and it was DH who first said that he wanted to have the baby. I found out later that this was because I had cried the night earlier, and he got it into his head that I might leave him if he said he wanted to terminate. During the pregnancy he showed no interest in what was happening to me and DS. So really I think the problem started way back then, but I was so self-absorbed I just couldn't see it. Melissa, thank you for your support, there are times when I do feel angry and frustrated. DH is 24, and I turn 26 in a couple of weeks. In many ways he is very immature and can be selfish. Other times he is so sweet you wouldn't believe. The thing is that I don't know if I want him to be around DS fulltime if he can't get over his resentment and learn to love him - or at least be willing to give it a try. I think it would be awful growing up with a parent who resents you. I'm torn because on the one hand, I really do love him and want him around, and have a certain amount of sympathy. But on the other I feel like if he's going to stay it has to be as an equal 50/50 parent - I can't be his mother as well as his wife. Definitely we need to sit down and work this out. But I'm so tired and worn down I don't trust myself to express the way I'm feeling in a way that he can deal with. :-(

 

kristie h - July 14

Mel-c, I dont know you but just make sure that the sympathy isnt makeing you stay with him. Dont feel sorry for him feel sorry for your son to have a dad like that. If he resents your son now he most likley always will and at the end of it all your son will suffer. If you want to save the heart ack leave things the way they are as you may have the easy way out now, but if he comes back and you havent realy sorted things out well its only going to get harder on you. Its's up to you but while he is gone realy think about what you want. The hardest parts done (hes walked out) if it stays that way just be strong and try to get back on your feet and try to get you sons health back up. Hugz.

 

Narcissus - July 14

Mel, if your dh said he "he hates holding him or being with him, even when it's only for a few seconds. He also said he loves me "less" since the baby came", that is very serious and should not be taken with a grain of salt. Not that you don't already know that but from an unbiased side view, I find that to be quite alarming and possibly dangerous for you & your son. Please don't let anything get in the way of keeping a clear mind about the possible danger your dh poses to your son. You have a lot on your plate right now and wish you the very best while you struggle to stay focused during all of this. I cannot imagine the stress you must be under....I am sending you hugs right now and make sure you keep all lines of communication open with friends and family, should you need some support. When you said you don't know what your dh has to feel depressed about, it may have nothing to do with his family but could be totally biological in origin and medication may be his only hope. I sincerely hope he gets the help he needs so he can be the husband & father that you and your son deserve. If you need anything, please don't hesitate to call on me, even if you need an internet shoulder to cry on. Also, my husband has a graduate degree in biological psychology (neuroscience) and if you need any professional advice regarding your dh and his illness, I would be happy to ask him on your behalf.

 

Gwenna-mom - July 14

I'm sending a great big Iowa hug to you and your whole family. I completely understand where you are comming from. Your DH may be acting in a selfish and childish way right now, but that doesn't mean that he's beyond hope. After all, you did marry a human being-none of us are perfect all of the time. It sounds like there are other problems beyond what you've stated and right now the baby is bringing out the latest symptoms of those problems. I would do what I could to get him into counciling and possibly medication. Your baby will only be tiny once and the time pa__ses so quickly. The other thing I would recommend would be sitting down and dividing household chores, so you don't get resentful about doing everything. Whatever you decide to do, just remember: You can only change your own actions and reactions, you will never be able to control his. I think I can speak for everyone here, we have big ears and broad shoulders so vent as much as you need to, we are here for you!!!!

 

charliepaulchloe - July 14

im currently 6mths pg with my #2 my first isnt my partners but he treats her like his own, she is his little girl (he has a 20yr old son) i have been with him since chloe was 2. when i found out i was pghe was made up then went into a depression cause hes not working at the mo and just kept saying about providing for us. hes a lot better now especially since our LO (girl) finally let him feel her kicking me, he was the proudest dad ever at that point. im sure ur dh will get over it once he realises what he has got and what he could possibly lose, give him the ultima tum he is either there 100% or not at all. im sure everything will work out for you good luck xxx

 

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