Do You Fight In Front Of Your Kids

22 Replies
LisaB - March 12

My dh and I are going to see a counselor next week but lately we have been fighting alot- never screaming ,name call knock down drag out fights but bickering. We will do it infront of our ds and I hate it. Is it harmful for kids> I have read that it is ok to fight infront of them so they learn that its ok for people to disagree and then make up but at time is that ok?? We know we have issues that need to be worked out so we are working on that I just dont want to harm our child.

 

Shea - March 12

Well I think a lot depends on the fight. I have a quick temper, and will open my mouth before I think, but dh is the calm one and usually our "fight" is short lived and minimal. We are lauging and joking soon after usually. On the other hand I hae friends that bicker constantly, very calm, no raised voices and just politely shred each other to bits in front of their kids. I think that if you are bickering about him not picking up his socks, no harm, but if you are putting each other down than it's going to affect them.

 

luviduvi - March 12

Good for you guys for going to counseling. My dh and I went to counseling b4 and loved it. We no longer go only b/c of schedule conflict. I think a disagreement is okay, but, name calling is never okay. It makes kids feel insecure. One thing children know about their familial surroundings is that mommy and daddy are connected and/or any siblings along with themselves. You never want to set up examples for your children to call others names as well. Parents are going to bicker infront of their children.....you can't go to the bedroom every time you have a problem otherwise, who will watch the children? And lets face it, when it comes to men, the point needs to be addressed then and there otherwise, they think everything is forgiven and forgotten while you are still reeling about what has just happened. That is not good for your relationship either, and how your relationship with your spouse is handled will most likely reflect your childrens relationships with you and others...I hope I said something insightful enough to help you and GL

 

luviduvi - March 12

Also, I think if the two of you let your children know how good the two of you are together by laughing, kissing, and joking will remind them that mommy and daddy love each other very much, even if they don't always see eye to eye

 

Kara H. - March 12

If it is constant, then I can see it being upsetting to the child. Hubby and I have discussed this at length, since we have been bumping heads quite often lately with his new schedule. Our feeling is that big ugly arguments (money, childrearing differences, stuff like that) should be done out of earshot of children. I remember my parents bickering in front of us and I don't remember ever once feeling upset about it. I did, however, have a little friend who had never seen her parents argue, walked into the garage during a heated argument and was convinced for weeks that her parents were going to get a divorce.

 

sahmof3 - March 12

We bicker in front of ours... because w/ 3 very mobile kids there's no way to get away lol. But big arguments that aren't appropriate for kids to hear (like fighting about discipline, money, in-laws, etc.) we wait until they are in bed and try to keep it down. My parents weren't frequent fighters, but their tempers could really flare in the moment. At the time it was always a little unsettling to me (because my mom would threaten to leave us and she would drive off for like an hour or so), but not terrible. Anyway, good for you for getting counseling... if you can get a good handle on things and change it... your son is so young he won't remember any of this.

 

mandee25 - March 12

No parents are perfect no matter how much they love their kids and bickering/fighting does happen. In my case, my parents had very violent terrible fights that scared the heck out of me and my sister. THAT is not okay in my books, but I believe kids do need to know that people will disagree from time to time and that is okay. Name calling is wrong to do in front of kids, especially if it's on a regular basis.

 

SonyaM - March 12

I think it depends on the fight like Shea said. I had a friend who said her parents NEVER fought in front of the kids and then boom they divorced when the kids were all out of the house. It was so hard for her because she thought her parents had the "perfect" marriage. I think it's good to show kids you can disagree and ARGUE and then make up and love eachother.

 

DB - March 12

All I can say is when I was little I HATED when my parents fought, but I'm talking about truly truly fighting, all out screaming etc...the small bickering isn't so bad because they would usually resolve it with in two minutes, so small bickering probably won't harm your ds but I'm sure he can sense the tension and maybe it makes up upset...it's great you guys recognize you have some issues to work out and are taking the neccesary steps to get that done.

 

Bonnie - March 12

Lisa I can only give you my point of view. I think if the fights are so bad that you are cursing at each other or if you are having a problem and you fight the majority of the time, then you should try to hold back. But otherwise I feel you should just be yourselves. When I grew up, my parents NEVER fought. Of course they did, but not in front of me and I just never knew they fought at all. I gre up believing big arguements are not normal. Before I got married, I never had a boyfriend longer than 4 months because we would have a fight and thus I would say it was over. When I got married, reality hit me about what a relationship is really like and I really had to learn that it is normal for peopel to argue. My husband, on the other hand, grew up where his parents didn't hide their fights. So for him, it is so much easier to just elt out some steam and then b__w it off. Where as I get all hurt and can hold grudges forever. Not to mention, 9 years later, we can argue about cheese and I will STILL be declaring it is divorce time, lol. You think by now I would learn, lol. My husband's view is that people fight and there is no reason to hide from your children about what is normal life. And I agree with that. He's also not afraid to apologise to them if he shouts at them when he should not have. he basically just doesn;t hide anything and I wish my household was like that growing up.

 

LisaB - March 12

LMAO Bonnie- Every time dh and I fight I think the same thng oh no we are getting a divorce where in my dhs family they said whatever is on their mind whenever it comes up so everyone is ok with the a bit of fighting. Just to clarify its more like bickering infront of our ds you said you would/ no I didnt. We agree on major things and dont name call infront of ds. I just hope it doesnt affect ds neg.

 

mcatherine - March 12

We argue in front our older son (11), but we don't "fight" in front of him. He sees us argue - he also sees us make up - which I think is important. One thing we never argue about in front of him is him - even if I have reached the point of blindness because I'm so mad- I hold it all in until I know there is no possible way for him to hear us.

 

Mellissa - March 12

I agree with everyone else.. that it really just depends on the type of fights. bickering is no big deal. but of course, name calling shouldn't be done in front of kids. Chad and I don't even call each other names, period.. if that ever happens, that's when we know we need a break and one of us (usually him) leaves. i saw my mom and dad fight and call each other every name in the book, and i vowed to never disrespect my husband like that, and i definitely wouldn't let him disrespect me like that. of course everyone says things they don't mean when they're angry.. but we both know if the name calling starts we've gone too far. same thing with certain words.. like the f-word.. once that word is uttered, i'm done. i just can't handle it. i really do get flashbacks. lol. i know chad is nothing like my dad, and i'm nothing like my mom.. .but i can't handle those kinds of fights.

 

flower.momma - March 12

My husband and I feel that it is important to argue, or discuss things that come up, rather than being hush-hush and waiting until later. That way our children understand that arguments happen, they're a part of a normal marriage, and they're healthy. We try to calmly explain our viewpoints and then come to a compromise. I NEVER saw my parents argue, so for a long time I thought it was bad, and I didn't know how to do it in a healthy way. I agree with you Bonnie. It is good for your kids to hear apologies. When I've been particularly harsh to my dd or hubby, I always apologize. I think it will let them see that while I'm not always right, I'm trying hard to be the mom I can be. My mom and dad were always right, even when they weren't, and it made me so mad.

 

flower.momma - March 12

Sorry... the best mom I can be.

 

luviduvi - March 12

I am with the girls who said that they knew someone or is someone who's parents never fought became somewhat of a curse. A LONG time ago, I was dating a guy whom I really cared about, and he claimed his parents have never had a fight. I happen to be a fighter. So even when we would get into arguments like normal couples, he'd freak! It eventually became the demise of our relationship.

 

sahmof3 - March 12

Hey luviduvi... same thing happened to me, except for him it was because he grew up with just a mom and so he never saw a fight in a relationship, but when we had a fight he reacted the same way!

 

ADD A COMMENT:


You must log in to reply.

Are you New to the forum? Sign Up Here! Already a member? Please login below.

Forgot your password?
Need Help?
New to the forum?

Sign Up Here!


Already a member?
Please login below.





Forgot your password?
Need Help?