Having Only One Child Need Your Thoughts Please

17 Replies
Aussie Beck - January 15

Hi Ladies. My dh and I have a 1 year old dd. I suffer with bad post-natal depression and am still on medication (still not 100% but working on it). I also have a back injury which could worsen over time. Dh and I were talking the other day and he said that he wouldn't mind if we only had one child because if we chose to have another lo and my pnd and injury got worse it would place such extra stress on me, our dd and himself. I have been thinking about what he said, and I know he is right. But I also know that he would love to have another child, so would I, but it's something we would have to consider very seriously given my health. It just makes me feel so sad that I am the reason that our daughter could 'miss out' on having a brother or sister. I'm so thankful that my dh is so loving and supportive through all this. So... back to my original question. Are any of you raising a single child? or were you a single child yourself? If so, do you feel it is/ was unfair on the child/yourself? Are single children more spoilt and bratty? Any advice or experiences would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

 

BreaunasMommy - January 15

I am debating the same thing. My dd is 18 mths and I want another child but then again Im not sure about having another. We were gonna plan getting pregnant at the end of this year but I think we may just wait and see. I think if we do have another it will be whn dd is about 4 or so. I dont think single children are prone to be more bratty. I gre up with friends who had no brothers or sisters and they were no different. I like having one child right now because I can spoil the hell out of her and get her everything I think she deserves with no problem I am afraid if I have another child that I wont be able to do that. (insurance on just her, dh and myself is 600 monhtly and we are not eligible for a__sistance) I dont think it is unfair at all to have just one child. I would just give it time and see how you feel. I know everytime I walk past newborn clother or see a newborn child I so desperately want another one lol. Im just gonna go with the flow and see what happens in time.

 

dee23 - January 15

i agree to just go with the flow and see what happens. i was an only child, and i was an angel til i turned 12, although i did have strictish folks who i thx for that, but at adolecence, i just expected that i would get money or what ever i wanted like theyve always done........and my parents regret spoiling me. saying that, as the parent of a single child, as long as you dont get stuck in the spoiling rut, and teach manners, your child will be fine. socially however, im not sure. i was fine because i have an enlarged family with many around my age, so i had the company almost all he time anyway. and ive heard that alot of singlets actually do better in school, i guess because they have the time to study uninterrupted....but that rule didnt apply to me....ive also heard though, that they arent as independant as 2s or 3s because they have everything done for them....which does apply to me. so i guess its just how you raise the darling. saying that.....you and i both know that we need more aussies, and personally i think children need at least one more to learn value and sharing....which effected me somewhat as a child. but, i can understand how hard it must be to make that kind of decision and im just spinning stuff in your direction to try and help. if you have another, or if you dont, your lo will understand in the end. as a child i wanted a sibling, but now, im kinda glad that i dont have one. i have my parents undivided attention......but that does stem back to being spoilt. but then again, it would be have good to sit down with a sibling and shaer our past and good times, someone who would know me better than any best friend.....gess im spiting junk......i would say this should be a question for your doc, you need to know the consequinces are of having another and weight the benifits with the negatives, but in the long run, if you cant physically, you still have one little angel who will love you just the same. wow i hope ive made some sence lol. :)

 

Aussie Beck - January 15

Thanks so much for your responses ladies. LOL dee23, we sure could use some more little aussies running around. I'm actually starting some cognitive behaviour therapy soon for the pnd, and I'm working with my doc regarding my back, so you just never know ; ) I have a sister and dh has two brothers so I just couldn't imagine dd not having a sibling, but I think were gonna do as you and breaunasmommy suggest - give it time & go with the flow!

 

ash2 - January 15

Well i do take into consideration the fact that you are going through deppression, but i also am a firm believer in siblings and the bonds that they have . Also for the obvious reasons...( big family gatherings when you get older, etc) But the most important reason probably for most is the fact when i get older and and unable to care for myself and other things, i think about my " only child" living hundreds of miles away and having to depend on neices and nephews and other to help with my needs. Their is also the realistic, but sad truth , of your one and only child pa__sing away before you do and having to deal with the loss of not only your child, but your only child...I also think about the loss of me and my husband...who will they confide in ? Turn to for support? Lean on ? I think siblings serve many purposes and everyone should have at least one. I hope i have not said anything out of the way.

 

taral - January 15

I have one sister, and don't believe that it is necessary to have a sibling. If you socialize with other kids, your dd will be just fine. You need to take care of yourself....if you get worse, that would awful for your dd. Good luck.

 

piratesmermaid - January 15

I was an only child until I was 13. And I wish I still was! Haha. I've been thinking about this same thing, not because of health reasons (though I react horribly to the epidural/spinal for the c/s and would have to go through that again) but mostly because I would feel like I'm taking some love away from the dd we have now. I know that's not really possible, that you suddenly find you do have enough love for more than one baby, but still, that's my worry.

 

piratesmermaid - January 15

Wow, ash2, sad, but unfortunately a good point....

 

BreaunasMommy - January 15

very good point ash2. my brother was killed in a bad car accident 5 yrs ago I was 19 and he was 21. My mom had a really tough time especially since he was her first. Now looking back I dont know if she would have gotten through it if that had been her only child. She always tells me that Im the reason she did get through it. I guess these are the kind of things that you have to leave in gods hands though and I dont think its healthy to say well lets just have another one in case one of them pa__ses. You do make a good point though.

 

mayaB - January 15

I was an only child and did not mind it at all. I was too busy w/ ballet piano and horses to feel lonely! I dont feel spoiled or bratty. :-) I have an 8 month old and I'm planning on just one.

 

sahmof3 - January 15

I go to church with a 24yo guy who is an only child and a 15 yo girl who is. They have each had their parents' full attention and have exceled in their areas of study (the 24 yo loves music and is very talented at the piano, the girl just aces all of her HS cla__ses). That is a benefit... the parents have had time to focus all of their energy onto that child and helping them along. They also have the financial benefit!! I look at them and sigh sometimes, because I know I will never be able to give any of my kids that kind of attention or resources... but also believe there are benefits either way. Kids w/ siblings have to learn independence b/c mom and dad can't always help them w/ something right then and there. Anyway, those two are the only only children I really know well... and I don't have any personal experience because I have three and dh comes from a fam with 5 kids, I come from a fam with 4... so take it for what it's worth lol.

 

bbelmore - January 15

We are debating having another child...neither of us are sure we ant to. If we do, we would start ttc in november, as we would both want them close in age ( james would be 2.5 when the 2nd was born). The thing is, I just started a new job...we want to buy a house...we have a lot of things we would like to acheive in the near future. All of that and when I sit and think about the future, I only see us and James...3 of us. I can't picture life iwth another child as I could prior to having James. I yearn to be pregnant again, but when I think of having another baby, I stop. I don't think it's what I want. Who knows though...anyway, I don't think there's anything wrong with one child. It may be our course as well.

 

lenae - January 15

If health is the reason, what about adopting a baby so you wouldn't have those physical problems to deal with during pregnancy. Don't know if that is an option for you but I just thought I'd mention it.

 

SonyaM - January 15

I am not exactly in your shoes as I do have two children but very similar health issues which raise the question of should we have a third. Anyhoo, I will say that one of my neices is an only child as well as my bf and they are both great people. Not bratty or spoiled and very well rounded. I think it's all in the parenting. My dad is an only child too and the only downside I have ever seen is that when his parents got older it was soley his responsibility to care for them. That became very hard on my parents but it's over and done with. For me i would feel sad not having any siblings but if I never knew not having one then maybe it wouldn't be a big deal. Gosh, I'm rambling...sorry.....

 

Erynn21 - January 15

I was raised an only child, and I don't feel like I am worse(or better)off because of it, I had great girlfriends and life was pretty well rounded, my dh is from a family of 7siblings. We talked about our dd being an only child before she was born, and right now that is our decision, but for me decisions can change. I didn't even think I wanted children, and here I am the proud mom of a 4-month old, I think families can come in all shapes and sizes some are big, some only have one child, that's okay. If you think that it would cause serious complications and put extreme stress on your child and husband than the decision would be made for me, if it is going to be more detrimental than good it shouldn't be done. Someone else suggested adoption, if that could be done that is another wonderful option. Don't be swayed into the belief you have to have more, the only thing you have to do is take care of the family you have now. Take care and good luck.

 

Aussie Beck - January 15

Thank you so much ladies. You all make very valid points. My doc has advised me not to fall pregnant at the moment (bit too soon for us anyway lol) until we can hopefully heal my back injury. As for the depression we are working on some more strategies to help me. I too yearn for another child, but I know that I would never place our little family in jeopardy just for the sake of wanting another or thinking it is unfair on our dd. Hopefully everything will be ok and I will heal mentally and physically and we can have another lo in a few years. I really appreciate all your thoughts and advice and at least from what some of you have said, if we do only have our dd she will have our undivided attention and love, and if we do things right, she will grow up a well-rounded person : )

 

Aussie Beck - January 15

Also, to lenae and erynn21, yes adoption has crossed my mind. I think it would be wonderful to welcome a child into your family and give them the love and affection that their parents were unable to give them. So many things to think about : )

 

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