Help Friends DD Is Awful

8 Replies
Suzanne - January 15

I have an old high school friend that has a 3y/o DD that is so bad I don't even know where to begin. We both only have one child (I have an 8 month old son). Her DD has been rotten since about six months and I have been hoping she would grow out of it but she keeps getting worse. For example, I called on xmas and said, "Did you have a nice xmas?" She screams, "NO!"; her mother and I are in the car driving and she starts screaming telling me to get out; we are in the mall shopping and she looks up at some poor random lady in line checking out and says, "What do you think your looking at you fat lady?" Her mother gets really mad and tries to tell her no calmly but sternly but this kid could care less. She screams bloody murder in restaurants, disrespects any person who talks to her and refuses to potty train. My friend is at a complete loss, she has tried spanking, time out, therapy - everything but this kid is just the worst and she would love another child but doesnt want to because she is afraid the next one will be as bad. The doctors just tell her she is very strong willed and intelligent and to stand firm. Anyone have any advice for me to tell her? She is so fed up and does not know what to do. She feels awful because no one likes her DD and no one wants to spend any time with her because they can't stand to be around her DD. I do not like her DD either but I love my old friend and just ignore the kid but I have to admit, I also have refused shopping invites due to her DD. What should she do? She keeps asking me but my DS is so easy going, I dont have any experience with this! Help

 

SonyaM - January 15

Are there any REAL consequences when she acts up? It doesn't sound like it. I have a very strong willed child as well and we had to have a behavior therapist come to our house and work with us. We soon realized that while my son was at fault for his behavior we were more at fault as the parents for allowing it. If she acts up in public her mother should immediately leave the store/restaurant etc. I've done it. It's not fun and at times embarra__sing but that's part of being a parent. We take away PRIZE possessions. For instance, my 4y/o son was playing a game on his computer tonight and refused to come to the table for dinner. He was warned that he would loose his computer for the rest of the night if he didn't come to dinner and he still refused. So he lost his computer. He got the message real fast. I would suggest she look for a behavior therapist in her area.

 

Aussie Beck - January 15

OMG! Sounds like your friend has an incredibly strong willed child. It must be terribly embara__sing and worrying for her. Does the little girl go to daycare or pre-school? I ask because I'm wondering if she is exposed to a structured environment with rules and the opportunity to see how other children behave and interact. How does she get along with other children? Is there something in her life that has happened to cause such extreme acting out? It seems strange that she has been like this since six months of age. She could have some sort of chemical imbalance in her brain which inhibits her from understanding what is acceptable behaviour and what is not acceptable. Sorry I'm not much help. Good luck, hope it works out for your friend.

 

melissa g. - January 15

i dont have any answers but I feel your pain -- I have a good friend whose 5 yr old son is completely out of control -- he is like a wild feral child -- his problem is that he is truly hyperactive and cannot control himself for even one second -- but unlike your friend, mine just lets him run wild, I think she has given up -- its sad but I have stopped interacting with them b/c he jumps all over my baby , so I have to see my friend alone. And I am not inviting my friend to my dd's 1st b-day next month, which breaks my heart, but the party is at my stepdad's house and he would faint to have this screaming banshee jumping on his furniture, so my dh and I decided not include them. Its a bummer. Its hard, love the friend, cant really be around the child.

 

Brittany - January 15

Aww how terrible, I really feel for your friend. You said your friend has tried different techniques like spanking etc. but is she being consistent with it? Is she sticking to one option (time out) for at least a month? With kids, you really need to be consistent with discipline or they get confused. Every single time your friend disciplines her daughter, she needs to stick to a routine, the same thing over and over in repition so her daughter can catch on and learn that there is a consequence to EVERY action (not just one 1 day and nothing the next). Your friend needs to be STERN with her daughter, the MOM is the boss, not the daughter. I really wish I had better advice, I hope her daughter grows out of it, I'm sure your friend has tried her best, and when she feels like shes tried everything, sometimes you just feel like giving up. Just support her through it since shes your friend. Maybe she can find a good book on dicsipline or something.

 

punkin01 - January 15

hey i agree with Aussie Beck i have a friend that i spent alot of time at her house and several years back her hubby was good friends with this guy he and his wife came over alot also ( so i didnt know them too good just from the times they were over at the same time i was) but they had a little girl that makes the one your talking bout seem like an angel .......this child was so mean to her little brother her mom dad my friends kids and even me.......biting hitting throwing things and her mom and dad tore her a__s up she wouldn't even cry and she had red whelps on her backside not a tear they would finish and she would walk over and hit,bite or whatever the person that she got a spanking for biting or hitting or whatever in the first place .......like she was saying i got spanked for hitting you so let me hit you some more they took possessions time out and all that and nothing worked they took her to therapists and doctors and finally after little brother got his arm broke due to her they finally sent her to someone that tested this 3 y/o old and determined that she was bipolar or something like that i know it was like Aussie Beck said some type of chemical imbalance and she is on meds and she is 5 now and she is the sweetest kid you ever want to meet........now at first till the doseage was corrected she was zombie like for a week or so but its corrected now and she wouldn't hurt a flea so that child may have deeper issues sorry so long and confusing but i dont know the family personally and in alot of detail just what i seen the few times i was around them before the meds and a few after......

 

Nerdy Girl - January 16

There is a special parenting program for kids like this called Tuesdays Child. Not sure if it's nationwide, but it's definitely in Chicago. Here is the Chicago link - tuesdayschildchicago.org. How do I know about this place? Because my daughter was a holy nightmare at age 3. She didn't do the things you described, but she did plenty of other things. I looked into doing the Tuesdays Child program, but it was just too expensive. The founder of the program also released some audio tapes with her explaining the basic premises of the program. The library should be able to track down the tapes thru interlibrary loan. Search for Dr. Victoria Lavigne. I listened to the tapes and found some tips to be useful, but some stuff seemed too impractical for my personal situation with my daughter.

 

Nerdy Girl - January 16

One mroe thought --- My daughter was/is not blatantly rude to others like you are describing, but she is just very strong willed. In her mind, it's her way or the highway, and her reaction to not getting her way is ridiculous. We also went thru quite a bit of strife with her when her baby brother came along. The best resource that we found with our situation was a book called "Setting Limits with Your Strong Willed Child." We just started doing it a few months ago. It takes a few weeks to see results but it's amazing. You feel like a broken record because you have to keep doing the same thing over and over again, but eventually the kid gets the idea that you are the boss.

 

Kara H. - January 16

I don't know if any of you saw the southpark episode where the Dog Whisperer was called in because Cartman was so out of control, but we were in st_tches. There were pretty much the EXACT techinques my MIL used on my hubby who was an extremely strong willed kid who trouble always seemed to find. For them it was about consistancy, establishing an alpha in the house, and lots of physical activity to literally run him out of energy so he was more receptive to leadership. It truly sounds like your friend needs outside help from a behaviorist to help get a plan of action in place

 

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