Help With Relationship

11 Replies
Topaz - March 8

I have been so upset all day. My boyfriend and I have been bickering the past few days and I feel that he has been just so disrespectful to me lately. He works odd hours, then when he gets home he lays down and watches tv in bed and closes the door. He plays with dd for maybe 5 min. per day. That is all his involvement. The other night he yelled at me in front of our friends because I asked him to bbq the steaks (he worked all day and it was too much for me to ask him to do). Then he wasn't able to order a pay per view movie and yelled at me and punched a hole in the wall. He tells me he's under a lot of stress and I need to leave him alone. Then, for the weekend he went and visited a friend of his. He called me twice, but all he asked me was if I remembered to feed the dog. I tried to talk to him about things, but he left the room to go watch his tv show in the middle of our conversation. Am I being unreasonable? I just feel so hurt and sad. We are supposed to be getting married in 3 months and I feel that our relationship needs so much work, I don't even know where to begin. Please help!!!

 

hello - March 8

The thoughts i had as i was read this was... wow nice guy.... I would be rethinking those wedding invites if i were you.....Punching a wall is quite a red flag in my book, shows a temper and could be a sign of things to come....... Yelling at u in front of friends, wronggggggg...yelling at all is total disrespect....no interaction with your child, leaves u all weekend etc etc..... I am glad u see it needs some work, that is a huge start...... If he is taking you for granted now then why will it change unless something is done about it.... You need to talk to him again, suggest a counsellor.....everyone has stresses but not everyone punches walls.... Watching tv in bed and shutting the door......christ....please do something now and no u are not overreacting... He is being a pig to be honest.....nothing changes if nothing changes so please make some changes so you can live better than that........ He has to realise there is a problem and want to change.... I know we can lose some things when we live with our mate but this guy has gone beyond that, its like he has lost respect for you and i dont mean that to hurt you, its just what i saw when i read it...... it may be a simple of thing of him being stressed these past few days so he is lashing out but its his behaviour and the way he treats you....thats what i dont like and is my concern.....dont accept that treatment.......

 

Felisha - March 8

i agree and disagree with hello, if he refuses to talk to you and figure things out it may be a bigger problem than stress. a counselor is a good idea. topaz i really hope things work out for you.

 

luviduvi - March 8

Hi, just curious as to how old the two of you are? That would help me give the two of you advice. So far, the things I can tell you are this: The temper, most young men have them. My dh is just growing out of his and he is 32. Punching a hole is the wall is however a permanent thing and is childish. But, I myself have had moments where I have thrown a shoe in my bedroom, I know BAD GIRL, Ha, or that my dh has lost his temper and thrown his shoe, (not around our children) and we are not violent people in the least. Hot tempered yes, but that is as far as it goes. Do you really KNOW in your heart and you head that that is all it is or do you think he is self destructive, meaning, he could hit you or your children? Yelling at you infront of you friends is too childish but I don't believe it is a means to end a relationship, however, never being respected is. It will only drag you down and it WILL affect your parenting skills. Taking a break to me, sounded like a good thing. DH and I have a sound relationship but even the two of us can act like babies once in awhile and we have to say, okay, I or we need a breather. It helps us talk, not yell once things settle down. If you do decide to get married, which I am not here to tell you to do either, remember, it is a long rocky road with many ups and downs. It takes hard work and he needs to know that if your marriage is going to work than he needs to step to the plate. You can't just leave or punch kick or swear everytime things aren't going your way. Take care.

 

Felisha - March 8

i have to applaude luviduvi great advice, and very honest.

 

luviduvi - March 8

Thanks Felisha! I have put a lot of work into my marriage. It is my number 1 priority along with my kids. A marriage can have such an impact of children and I want to make mine the best I can so I work hard at it.

 

Heather F - March 8

if your so stressed about your relationship before the wedding thigs are not going to get better after the wedding, I would leave him and raise dd yourself.

 

3babies - March 8

It is normal to bicker, but not to disrespect you ...and have bad days, but do the bad ones outnumber the good ones ... I think the other girls have given you good advice ... dont just "settle" for somebody. Picture how you want to be treated and dont settle for less. Yes, marriage is not always a bed of roses, but I ALWAYS know that my husband respects and values me ... even when we are arguing. Good luck ... and please dont feel pressured to go ahead with a wedding because it is what everyone expects ...

 

KLT - March 8

i'm not condoning the boyfriends behavior whatsoever...but its apparent this guy is under a lot of stress and doesn't know how to deal with it. Alot of guys don't and start acting like BOYS. I wouldn't go as far as saying leave the guy, forget the wedding and that he'll be like this forever though. At least not yet. A new baby changes everything in the household. We have our way of dealing with stress...they have theirs. Its easy to say Talk to the guy. But guys don't "talk" like we do. You said he's been disrespectful "lately".... so this sounds like he hasn't always been this way. He's not going to listen to anything you say right now.. words out of your mouth to him sound like nagging (even tho you aren't), so how to deal with this?? Its hard! Someone here suggested counseling...do you honestly think a guy like this would go into counseling? Alot of guys with this behavior think counseling is for wimps. In my personal experience, i've gone thru alot of this...and have had to be the bigger person. I vent to my friends, I remind myself that as a male dh handles things way different than me and remember that he wasn't always like this..at some point in the r'ship I did fall for him because of his great personality and qualities. His behavior changed when we had a new baby, new home and the responsibilities in life really meant something...it meant he had to grow up and be a man and do right for his family. Its taking time and he's wrestling with it all and still acting stupid at times...but i'm confident he'll get there.. not perfect as us ladies are...but give him a chance. For us, the simple solution would be for him to grow up.. but easier said than done I suppose. And very tiring. I do agree with 3babies though, don't get married just because its expected or because you have a baby.

 

Topaz - March 8

Thank you so much for your advice ladies. KLT I think you summed up my situation the best. He has been very stressed lately trying to work as much as possible to provide for us. I guess the problem is he doesn't know how to handle his stress. We are both 32 and have been together for 10 years and know each other very well. I don't think this is anything to leave him over, but he does need to know it is not acceptable. THere is also no way I could get him to go to counseling. This all happened at night when dd was in bed. We have a rule that we never argue around dd. Today he informed me that he is going to start working out at the gym a few days per week. I take this as a positive sign. I think sometimes he works such long hours thinking he is providing for us but forgets that it is important to spend quality time together too. He does need to do some growing up too. Sometimes I feel he still acts like a bachelor and not like someone who has a family. I don't think we're rushing into the wedding, He asked me to marry him when I first found out I was pregnant with dd. That was almost 2 years ago. I think we are just going through a rough patch right now. I tell myself I just need to stay strong and hold my ground and not let him disrepect me.

 

Lchan - March 8

Just my .02 but he isn't acting like a stressed-out man but a man that has checked out or wants to check out of a relationship. If I were in your position I'd sit him down for a 1:1 and see if this is a relationship he wants to save. You've been together for 10 yrs and he asked you only 2 yrs ago to marry him, and this was only after you became pg. Big warning flag! I'm sorry you're in this position. I truly am. I backed out of a marriage because our relationship wasn't quite right, less than 30 days before our wedding. It was a hard thing to do, but I've never once regretted it. I'm in a much better relationship now.

 

Wellis10 - March 8

I kinda agree with Lchan, if he really wants to save the relationship he should be willing to do anything. I think his trying to find a way out and is lashing out. He may feel traped.....just a thought thou. but you know the relationship better than anyone. If you think that it will get better than wait and see. I just hope that you don;t continue to let him treat you that way. Taking care of a child 24/7 can be just as stressful as working everyday. What gives him the right to treat you that way?

 

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