How Can He Disrespect Me Like That OT

11 Replies
LollyM - March 13

when I was in highschool, I had a boyfriend who was both verbally and physically abusive. He used to cuss at me, hang up on me when we were on the phone, and push me around. Dh knows all about this and wants to beat the living daylights out of this guy. The truth is that dh has quite a temper of his own. I was trying to find out where he was for dinner, and he started cussing at me and he kept hanging up on me. This is not the first time that this kind of thing has happened with him either. Naturally, it makes me nervous. What is the next step after that kind of disrespect? Well I remember what the next step is if I think about my history. I just don't understand how dh can be so inconsiderate especially since he knows my past. I NEVER cuss him out or hang up on him or anything like that. I mean, is it normal for a husband to cuss out their wife on a regular basis? Sadly, I do not know. I just feel crushed and so pathetic right now.

 

aurorabunny - March 13

I'm sorry Lolly. =( Coming from an abusive ex-husband and now being in a wonderful, stable marriage I will tell you that NO that is not normal for a husband to cuss his wife out all the time, but I used to think it was too. Maybe you need to have a little chat with him about how you treat him with respect and you deserve to have that returned to you, not to be hung up on and cussed at! Keep your chin up. =(

 

LollyM - March 13

*sigh* I have had that convo with dh many times ab. Unfortunately, it keeps happening. I want to go to counseling with him but he says no.

 

aurorabunny - March 13

Yikes. Maybe you need to give him an ultimatum, as bad as that sounds. If he's not willing to extend that effort to go to counseling to try and work it out, that's pretty c___ppy on his part. Have you guys just been arguing lately or is it something that happens a lot?

 

LollyM - March 13

ugh! I just don't get it! how can he be so sweet half the time and so mean the rest of the time! His dad was abusive and I know it has something to do with this. I just can't brush this off anymore! it tears me apart that I could end up in that situation again. Am I really that stupid?! I just want to curl up in a ball and cry! I feel like such an idiot

 

LollyM - March 13

It has been happening since I was pregnant, so.. for almost a year he has been cussing me out at least once a month. I just wish things could go back tho the way they used to be! We used to have fun

 

aurorabunny - March 13

Lolly you're not stupid. =( He can't just be there for the good times and be a jerk all the time now that there are stresses and responsibilities, that's not what a marriage is about. I would just tell him exactly what you just posted.....that you've been in this situation before and you're not going to be there again, especially now that you have a little one. Don't mean to sound harsh but I would tell him to shape up or ship out.....going to counseling would at least show that he cares enough to try and fix things. Sorry things are so c___ppy, I hope you get something worked out.

 

Mellissa - March 13

I think that him refusing to go to councelling says it all. My friend was in the same situation. Her husband treated her like garbage.. didn't respect her one bit, cussed her out all the time.. and of course refused to go to couselling. You have been in this situation before, so you know what comes next. I know not ALL men become abusive, some just have a sharp tongue.. but from watching my parents, and my two older sisters, I can tell you the majority of the time it escalates when he feels his words aren't hurting you enough. I would definitely sit him down and tell him you don't want to be disrespected, and if he really feels that little for you, then there is no point in being together. No, I don't think people get divorced just because they can't agree..but when the respect is lost, i don't see the point. You shouldn't feel pathetic, he obviously has things in his past that most likely contributed to this type of behavior, and it has nothing to do with you. Good luck with it all, and remember you didn't do anything wrong.

 

LisaB - March 13

Get couseling for yourself and then maybe dh will go. I think alot of guys are to afraid to go. I cuss and dh calls names its not healthy and we are seeing a couselor next week. If my dh wouldnt have agreed to go I would have gone on my own. You can only be resposible for yourself so take care of yourself!! I hope things improve. Who knew marriage was so hard??????????

 

CyndiG - March 13

Lolly, when you say you've had that conversation with him, was it when you two weren't mad? If you have talked about it in a non threatening and rational manner and he still refuses to change, then there's a real problem. You know what it leads to since you've been there. Not taking up for him, but maybe, since it's only been going on since you got pregnant, it has something to do with the "pressure" of the baby being on him. Maybe he feels like the weight of the world is on him, and you are his outlet? That's not an excuse, but it may be an explanation. And you might get through to him if he thinks you understand. I agree that you need to stand up for yourself, and for your baby. Tell him that behavior is not acceptable and that you WILL NOT tolerate it. It's not right or fair for him to make you feel worthless, or to make you think that his behavior is normal. I know it's hard, and when you leave a "conversation" like these posts, you feel all empowered and strong, until you're standing in front of him, then you revert back to worthless and pathetic. Don't let that happen. I wish you all the luck in the world. You deserve more than what he's giving you! Be strong!!

 

LollyM - March 13

hey ladies, we had a talk this morning and dh agreed to go to counseling with me if it happens again. He has told me in the past that it is hard for him not to snap like that because he saw his dad treat his mom that way for 17 years. He has been trying to really think before he talks and it is true that he has an "outburst" less frequently than when it first started happening. I know in my heart that he doesn't mean to hurt me, he can't help saying those things. I know that's not an excuse and so does he and he told me that he hates when he talks to me like that and that he should treat me with respect in our convo. this morning. Now that I think about it, I think we should go to counseling anyway instead of waiting for it to happen again. This is all deeply psychological for him, so if he doesn't get help it WILL happen again. Thanks for the support, it's hard to admit that we have a problem in our marriage. I truly believe that this is fixable so at the very least we will try to fix it. He has never been physically violent or anything like that, otherwise I would have been out the door and never looked back but since it is just words with his temper, I think we can work through it. CyndiG, I think you are right that it is the stress. After it happens each time, he says that he's sorry and he is just stressed out. I know, he shouldn't take it out on me, he knows that too,. I hope we can work this out because we do love eachother very much, but I know for a fact that I will not stay with him if this behavior continues because it is just not right for me or our daughter. Thanks again, I really appreciate the support.

 

ash2 - March 13

Sorry to say but if you dont put a stop to it, it will continue....you need to let him know that it is un-acceptable to you.....let him know that it will not be tolerated in your home. Bad behaviors like these can be pa__sed onto your children. Your children will mimic him. If he doesnt stop, let him know that their will be consequences, and that includes seperating for a while untill he can control his temper. I had this problem with DH a while back. He didnt realize it was that serious untill DS would cover his ears when he would yell.

 

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