I Am Really Concerned Please Give Me Advice OT

9 Replies
LollyM - March 3

Hey ladies, I know I have posted on here before about my husband's new job and how he works so much and doesn't make much money, but things just seem to be getting worse now. This is so hard for me because I feel really helpless. Incase you haven't read my other posts, dh works 6 days a week, 12+ hours a day and makes far less than minimum wage because the work is commission based. We are seriously just barely sc__ping by at this point and we are on gov. Aid. The reason dh puts up with this is because he can potentially own his own business in a year and make six figures. The way to do that is by selling, selling, selling. Well, dh is not selling like he should be, and his merchandise keeps going "missing" The missing merchandise really bothers me because dh has a medical condition that affects his memory, and I'm afraid he might be misplacing the goods somehow. This same medical condition is what has kept him from joining the military and getting on the police force which makes career options a very touchy subject with him. I am very worried about this job because, he has to do ALLOT of work to get promoted to a higher paying position, and I don't know how long we can afford to tough it out on this income. He seriously makes less than $200 a week right now! In California, that's bad news. Aside from the financial aspect of this, it is also affecting our marriage because he is gone so much. If I'm lucky, we spend 20 waking hours with each-other a week! he has seen his daughter for a total of 5 minutes in the last two days which is just heartbreaking. I just don't know what to do. I wish dh would just take a training course and get a better job that way, or at least get a job where he works normal hours and makes at least minimum wage! I thought things were tough when he was making 11 an hour! I sure had another thing coming! I love my husband very much, but I just feel like this job is deteriorating our family. I don't feel close to him the way I should. I hardly want to have s_x anymore or anything. It almost feels like he is more of a friend than a partner sometimes (I know, that sounds really bad). I wish he could be here to hear his daughter babble away in the evenings and play with her before bed. She really misses him, he is her favorite person in the world! I am just so upset by all of this! I don't want our family to fall apart because of this stupid "opportunity". I am scared to tell dh this though, because he really likes this job and since his top two choices are out, it has been very hard for him to actually find something he likes career wise. I know he will eventually be successful in this job, but quite frankly, I'm not so sure If I can stick around that long feeling like I hardly have a husband at all. He doesn't even have time to go to marriage counseling with me! I mean, I need my husband! and my daughter needs her father! I actually had to make an appointment to talk to dh! TO TALK TO HIM! he just came home and went to bed and we didn't get a chance to even chat or anything. It feels like he cares more about "the chance to make money" than spending time with his family! I don't even get to go to church anymore, because I want to spend time with dh on his ONLY DAY OFF and he is just too tired to go. Ugh, I'm just feeling so lost and desperate =/ Please, someone help!

 

LollyM - March 3

What's worse is that I seriously can't even remember the last time we kissed eachother... even a peck or anything! Ps. Thank you to anyone who actually takes the time to read this! You truly have a kind heart.

 

LollyM - March 3

Thanks, I'm glad you understand about this. The thing is that he does know people who are moving up in the business, but I have no clue how long they had to be there to do that. They sell door to door to businesses and they have to make $80 in profit three days in a row before they can be promoted which is really hard to do in the beginning because they give the new people the c___ppy stuff to sell and the people who have been there longer get better stuff. The reason he thinks he will be able to have his business in a year is because once you move up to the manager position, the company opens an office for you to run wherever you want and you can give it your own name and everything. They pay for startup. Sometimes I still think it's a scam, but sometimes I think he really could do it but it could take forever and I can't wait that long for my husband to start being here for us. I know it's sad that I had to make an appointment to talk to him! I tried just talking to him, but he was too tired so I said, fine when can I talk to you? Can I make an appointment or something? he said, maybe tomorrow =/ It sucks, because he had a decent job! It came with health benefits and stock options and everything. Well, they fired him the month before my due date because I was in the hospital with what my Dr thought was pre-term labor and apparently his manager made a mistake by letting him go see me since he was not supposed to miss work that day. We don't have a clue about how to file a lawsuit or we would, plus we don't have money and dh doesn't have time. So the past 8 months have been hell financially and I think part of him being stubborn about this job is that he doesn't want to feel like he failed again. he has been in and out of a bunch of jobs since then. We are stuck with stupid medicad now because this company doesn't offer benefits and he wasn't and neither did the others. medicad is just the worst in our county! I can't get a prescription I need to prevent stomach ulcers and needles to say, I am pretty sure I have one since I haven't had my meds in 8 months! =/ Gosh, we sound we sound so pathetic! At least now I know where all this stress has been coming from... sad that I didn't even see it before!

 

ssmith - March 3

Oh my goodness.....I could have written this post almost exactly the same myself! Scary, actually. My dh is 38 and has yet to find a job that could be considered a "career." Since we have been together, he has had about a hunderd jobs, ranging from auto parts manufacturing, to delivering pizza, to owning his own painting business, to waitering....etc etc. All low paying jobs (except for the painting ~~ which was inconsistent). He is constantly on the internet, or whatever looking for work. If you look at the number of resumes he has emailed out....it's probably over 100+. This is what consumes him ~~ job hunting. Like you, I realize the importance of finding a decent job, I do. However, like your dh.....he is missing out on watching his daughter grow, and he is missing out on his marriage. Right now, he is working for Tim Horton's. You probably don't have one in your area.....it's like Dunkin' Donuts. I was so mad when he got this job 2 weeks ago....because I feel that it is yet another low paying c___p job. My frustration is that he spends almost all his waking moments when he's not "at work", looking for new work. He's impatient and angry most of the time....and I'm sure dd senses that. He will bath her maybe 5 out of 7 days a week, and that is the extent of his involvement with her. It makes me sick, and angry that work & money issues have completely taken over his life ~~ and consequently, mine too. I am grateful that he is willing to do anything to bring home an income, but I am tired of the low paying jobs, and don't understand why he isn't getting any responses from the hundreds of resumes he is sending out. He wants to get into sales because his Dad & brother are....and he feels the need to be like them. I am not sure that that is the best choice for him though, but like your dh....the "potential" of making good money keeps drawing him to it. Our marriage is very rocky too. We are hardly ever intimate anymore, and our tempers flare all the time. We are like angry room-mates. I can't believe how much your post sounded like my life!! My dh also has ADHD (attention deficit, hyperactivity disorder) which makes it hard to focus and learn new things. It was also partly to blame for him being "asked to leave" his job at the car parts plant. I really think the adhd is to blame for a lot more of this work / money issues than we realize. He is so scattered. Things that would take a "normal" person a hour to do ~~ like write a resume, or whatever.....take him like 3 or 4, on a good day. I wish that he could just find a decent job that pays him enough so that we don't have to scrounge for pennies all the time....so that he can return to his LIFE. I want him to see what an amazing daughter he has, and really get to know her (she's 10 months). He has missed out on SO MUCH already, I could cry. I feel as though he doesn't really even know her, or how wonderful she is. To him.....all he can think about is finding work. However, in the meantime ~~ we are drifting so far apart. Like you, I don;t know if I can stick it out for much longer. This pattern of jobs and unemployment has been going on for many, many years ~~ and I wonder if things are ever going to change. Maybe, this is what things will always be like for him....in which case, our marraige will have to end. I do not want to be married to such an angry man, nor do I want my daughter living with that. I love him, we have been together for 9 years....but things need to change. Lolly, I'm sorry that I can't offer you anything....but I can totally relate to your ENTIRE post. I feel for you, I do...because I am living the exact same thing. Sorry if this post was a bit scattered, it's 4 am.....and I can't sleep.

 

LollyM - March 3

Oh my goodness, ssmith! Reading your post, At times I wasn't sure if you were talking about my life or yours! I am sorry that your family goes though this too. I am almost to tears just thinking about what our lives have become, and to think that there are more families out there who feel this way is so horrible! My husband is also a very angry and frustrated man, although he has been improving his anger-control. I told him that if he doesn't he is taking anger-management cla__ses or that is the end of us! I have been in an abusive relationship once, and I'll be d__ned if I let it happen again! Not that dh is abusive, but any sign of that kind of rage just really disturbs me. I can't imagine going through this for the next 9 years the way you have! We haven't even been married a year and I just keep hoping things will change... Dh also takes forever to do anything and it is frustrating to us both. He doesn't have add that I know of, just a short attention span. Ugh! The last job he had was at a temp agency and I prayed that God please let him find a better job so that we can focus on our lives and not just struggling with money all the time. Well a week later, he gets hired at this place, so I just can't figure out weather God gave him this job as a better job, or if he was trying to show us that we were a whole lot better off than we thought we were! Not that a temp agency was that great, but he was working full time through the agency for 11 an hour and sometimes he got to leave early and still get paid for the rest of the day! At the time, I thought it was bad because it wasn't always steady and there weren't health benefits, but I took the time we had together for granted, I suppose that at the very least I have learned a valuable lesson! If you can afford starbucks, you aren't as poor as you think you are! ha!

 

LollyM - March 3

Well, I tried talking to dh and just telling him that I am worried about the job and he got really defensive and just started flipping out! I tried telling him that I just wanted to talk about it and I am not implying anything, but he just kept saying "fine, I'll quit if that's what you want" I told him that I was worried that this job was taking too much time away from the family and he said that if it's hurting the family, it's my fault because I let it! gee! All I wanted was a civil conversation about what the right thing for our fam is, but no way, why did i even think it was possible?! Oh yeah, and this morning when we woke up, he was actually acting affectionate, but then he said he was h__y so it just made me more upset since it seems like the only time he acts affectionate is if he wants to get some!

 

AshleyB - March 3

Well I have 2 opinions. 1st, as far as the affection goes, it's really easy to drift away from one another, especially when there are stressors like finances and other things involved. You have to make a conscious effort to go that extra mile to make sure you give him a hug and a kiss when he goes to work and comes home, and send him off with a nice packed lunch with a little love letter or something inside. Someone has to start it, it will not fix itself. I guarantee if you start doing some of these little things he will reciprocate some affection, and when you are feeling closer to one another it's alot easier to talk to eachother about touchy subjects. I would say try 1st to mend your relationship bring some spice back and then when you feel closer to him the way you should then maybe try to talk to him again. My second opinion is.--- It's a shame he wasn't able to do the 2 major career choices that he wanted, but he has a family to provide for, and that comes before dreams, and everything else. You go after your own dreams only if your family is ok, and stable and can afford for you to do so. Thats just part of the package of having a family. He needs to get in a stable job. There are so many of those type of jobs where you work your way up and they promise you all sorts of unlimited income based on commissions and selling. Most of them are a scam, or only very few make it up to the level of a good income that they promise. I say he should stop wishful thinking and do something stable and secure. Good luck getting that romance back between you. I know my hubby and I sometimes drift apart a little when we let other things become more important that eachother and it seems like all we do is fight, but once we really start coming together again and we get the intimacy back, everything else follows, we are better at communicating and appreciating eachother.

 

LollyM - March 3

Hey Ashley, the thing about the intimacy is that I DO pack him lunch and I always try to give him a kiss before and after work, and For a while I was giving him back rubs, and all those kinds of things when he got home, but he would never reciprocate the affection (well, unless he was trying to get some, which just really p__ses me off) so gradually I stopped doing that kind of stuff for him. I still pack his lunch though! Otherwise he would starve! We did send a few texts back and forth a few minutes ago and he said he is just frustrated and feels like no one wants him to be happy, and I told him that we want him to be successful and that's what will make him happy. He understood what I was trying to say better after that. You are right about the dreams thing though. I have always wanted to do modeling, and I very well could, but I decided not to because it would take too much time away from my family. Dh agreed that it would take too much time away also and that it wasn't a good idea! He is being a bit of a hypocrite in that sense. I traded my dream in for a better dream, my family, he should just suck it up and do what he needs to do as a husband and a father! I love my husband very much, and I know he loves me just as much if not more. I just hope we can find a balance between finances and family life.

 

AshleyB - March 3

Hi Lolly, Well, I'm glad you guys were able to communicate a little. Hopefully things will go from here. I bet your hubby DID think that it was a bad idea to be a model, that type of thing can really make men nervous. If you were to find success in that industry, he'd probably feel very inadequate and feel like he could lose you. I'm addicted to America's Next Top Model, with Tyra!! You should try out for that, when you're ready... LOL!

 

LollyM - March 3

I lOVE america's next top model! I want to try out so bad! but I just couldn't be away from my baby, ya know? You are right about dh feeling insecure about me modeling. He already has a fit if anyone looks at me in public! lol Plus, he doesn't want me to become anorexic or anything. I used to have some issues with eating in the past =/

 

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